Please help me respond to this SCATHING email

[Guest guest]

I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who weren't

my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most people

at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during our

last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her being

an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my therapist

thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is unhealthy. My

final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC with my nada

she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own experience

that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her that I was

abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she vehemently

told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting about this

to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with her? " When

I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided and that

Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only more

insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was re-evaluating my

friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I wished her the best

things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet up

in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

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Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a full

year):

So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that email

telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely spoken in

the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with you. It

was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was initally

peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which honestly

was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but I

have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to talk

with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things to

you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable or

their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

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I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family, about

the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was a

very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!