Seething BP mom in my locked bedroom. Yikes.

[Guest guest]

Hi there. I've spent a year or so reading posts. It was it so helpful to have

this group after feeling so alone and confused for 30 years!

I am in the middle of a visit by my BPmom and I just needed to reach out because

I'm not sure how else I'll cope with the next 15 hrs we have before her train

back home...

I live in NYC, 4 hours from my parents (miraculously and tenuously still

together) and mom and I are relatively close, though we've had periods of low

contact over the last 10 years. I am mom's only child (though I'm the second

marriage kid and my father is 18 yrs older and has four other children. I'm

close with my half siblings).

It seems as though we can go about 2 days without a meltdown, but this (of

course, I'm sure you know) requires me to walk on eggshells and be laser-focused

on providing anything my mom needs and to project agreement on everything. I

have been painted as both the most amazing daughter on the planet and, as of

this afternoon, an unfeeling, uncaring person who is not ready to have children

and is " a pig. " I can handle this sort of meltdown - usually.

How we got here (this time) and why I'm at a breaking point: Mom's in town for

my graduate school commencement ceremony. Arrived Sunday.

1) Sadly, my husband's first cousin " H " is in real trouble, and attempted

suicide Sunday evening. He is stable and it is terrifying.

2) We are moving from NYC to London for a new job I have there in a week.

3) One of our closest friends has a 10 month old in hospice care, she has a rare

form of brain cancer. My husband " STW " and I visit our friend, her mom and this

sweet baby as often as we can.

4) Another family friend's scans just came back and her ovarian cancer is back

with a vengance.

5) I am sleep deprived, having just finished my master's while I was working

full-time. And on, and on...stress to the max.

I attended my commencement alone this morning. Not the end of the world, really.

It was raining pretty hard and on and off and I'd told both Husband STW (hosting

Ral, brother of H in the hospital and trying to get in to see him there) and my

mother that I could attend with my classmates and would meet them back home.

Outdoor ceremony would have been really uncomfortable for them.

I learned as STW and Ral left for the hospital and I was back from my soggy

ceremony, that my mother was insulted that my STW had not offered to get her

breakfast (we had some in the fridge) and proceeded to carry on with an

emotional tirade. She was not pleased that Ral was staying in our livingroom

unexpectedly.

I was hurt and shocked to hear her tell me how unfit we were to have children;

how disappointed she is in me that our apartment is " like we are still living in

college " and how " clearly everyone else is more important than she is. " But I

swallowed my tongue and I kept my mouth shut. For a while. Then I asked if we

could move on, if we could just enjoy the few hours we had together...asked

about what she wanted to do the rest of the afternoon...not productive. I made

the mistake of saying a few things cool-ly, like " mom, you are creating this.

let's just stop. let's just relax. " I made the major mistake of saying today

that I don't believe she is " crazy " I believe that she has some trouble and

that, if I had to label it, her issues would be, from everything I've read, BPD.

(Mom is incredibly smart and also a nurse.)

I got another round of attacks and finally, after she said that she should go

home, I said: " I agree. I think you should. "

I just don't know how I'll manage without screaming bloody murder and shoving

her out the door.

Called my father from the bathroom, who of course, because he is not BPD,

immediately asked how H was doing and how STW was, and after giving him that

update, quickly asked for help on how to deal with my mom. He is 82 and the only

other person in the world I can talk with about her in a real way. He goes

through a lot of pain and has found ways to cope. We both love her and hate how

miserable she is and of course don't want to abandon her. There is no one, no

one else who'd truly be there for her. [i feel selfish and so so so worried

about what I'll do when my father passes away.] He was calm and offered to pick

my mother up from the train tonight if she ended up getting an early one. There

is no early train. My mom stormed back to our apartment, locked herself in my

bedroom and I heard her calling hotels. She didn't find anything under $400 a

night and announced so a little while ago. She is napping, I think.

Confrontation nearly over, right?

STW and I are slated to stay with my mom and dad for a few days in between

leaving our apartment in NYC and flying to London around Memorial Day. How the

hell is this going to happen?

Also, my mother loves my two cats and my parents were gracious enough to offer

to take care of them while we get settled in the UK. So hard to have to ask them

for this help when things are so fractured at the moment.

Any encouragement, tactical advice for the next few hours would be very welcome.

Many thanks!