My grandmother is dying

[Guest guest]

15 years ago she was really sick with cancer and sepsis and made an amazing

pull-through, but this time around the doctors are saying there's no hope.

Basically almost all of her intestine is dead and she is too frail to survive

any surgery, and even if she could they don't think she would have enough

functional bowel left to support life anyway.

The question of the week, of course, is Nada. Last time all this was going on,

a lot of it was, of course, all about her. I was in my mid-20's and all up for

spending the night in the hospital waiting room, which I did. My grandma would

talk about that for years afterward, and nada always acted jealous. The

Christmas after she was released from the hospital nada spent three weeks before

the holiday festivities convincing herself that people in the family were mad at

her and wouldn't talk to her. Christmas came and nada was absolutely devastated

by people who " ignored her " when they were just acting like their normal selves.

I kept getting tragic, tearful looks all day long, and she'd keep sidling over

to me to point out how so-and-so wasn't talking to her. Then at the end of the

day one of my grandparents' neighbors came over with a Christmas present for

them and made a hunting joke (nada is RABID anti-hunting) and she LOST IT.

Screamed and bawled and CRIED like you wouldn't believe for at least an hour and

then when we got home, did it again.

Fast forward to my brother's graduation from police academy. This time nada was

mad at me because I wouldn't agree with her in a dispute she was having with a

friend of hers. The same tragic looks and glances, sullen refusal to speak to

anyone, and the like really made me uncomfortable and IMO ruined my brother's

graduation night, which was all the worse because he had overcome years of

underachievement to get to that point, and was in school for a college degree at

the same time as going through police academy! I didn't think much at ALL of

the behavior I witnessed, which played a big decision in me not inviting her to

my wedding or going to my brother's wedding...something he was royally pissed

about, but I am getting to the point where I just can't be around that anymore.

At all.

Add in the contretemps regarding situations like: Nada going out of her way to

tell me someone had said I was fat in an email and then cutting all her hair off

when I sent her a sarcastic email back again letting her know I thought it was

insensitive of her to tell me that; nada flipping out when my brother and his

first wife lived with her and didn't clean up after themselves, and going all

over town sending my brother down the river to anyone who knew him who would

listen, and sending him totally inappropriate emails at his job in the sheriff's

dept., and you will see why I have been NC for almost the last four years.

Now, her mother will most surely die in the next couple of days. There will be

family gathering; there will be a funeral. I don't want to go, because I will

have to see nada. I am afraid that either she will be doing her cringe-tragic

face-and-point routine at me, thus making everyone there uncomfortable; or if

she doesn't, then I will have to speak to her there and then it will be expected

that I have to speak to her in the future. And I don't want to. I REALLY don't

want to.

OTOH, it will be my grandmother's funeral, other people might wonder why I don't

show up or be mad at me because I didn't show up/hurt my mother's

feelings/didn't show proper respect, or some other such thing.

I at least got to go and see my grandmother for what I'm pretty sure will be the

last time today. She was alert and talking, and on pain meds so she felt pretty

good. I told her several times that I really loved her and that she was a great

grandmother, and thanked her for all she had done for me growing up. I know

that she and my grandfather helped create a lot of my problems by the way they

raised nada, but then when nada was at her worst, they were the only people I

could really count on. So they both sentenced me to some serious problems in

life and saved me at the same time.

I feel like I've done my most important job today. But, what do I do tomorrow?

I could go back tomorrow, but nada will most surely be there. Same with the

funeral. What do I do?

Advice? Help?

thanks.

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