Re: Life Long Trauma & Birth

[Guest guest]

I think this is a great topic. I have never considered whether I had long-term

trauma from this, but my mother simply was not there for me. I was given very

grim news about my son and told he had less than a 3% chance to survive. He has

a condition called Arhtrogryposis. He was born with all sorts of problems

including pulmonary hypertension, prematurity, scoliosis, etc.

I'll share a small example of what it was like. I was getting difficult news

throughout my pregnancy as we found out via ultra sound that my son was going to

have problems. So I was going back and forth to specilaists during my pregnancy.

When I was about 7 months along, my mother called me one day whining about her

problems and issues. She then told me she had spoken to Jo, a friend of hers,

and that Jo was the only person who had asked how MY pregnancy had affected HER.

Honestly, I was flabergasted. Completely floored. And yet at the same time, not

surpised.

My baby spent a month in the NICU. Do you think my mother came to help me clean

my house, cook a meal, wash clothes? No. She was too busty worrying about

herself.

Incidentally, she was the same way with my sister. My sister's daughter was born

at 34 weeks and was on a ventilator in the NICU for a few weeks. My mother told

my sister she was getting " too attached " to her daughter and shouldn't be going

to the hospital every day.

Sometimes it's really unbelievable how freaking selfish they can be.

Life Long Trauma & Birth

I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your mothers,

as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth.. When we

really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was born

(by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone, and

afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands rude

father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed to

help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and was

just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x) screaming

" You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him, my mom

wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help me. I

remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I was so

lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She looked at

me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely disconnected from the

importance of that moment.

To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional aloneness

and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with my period.

I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to get rid of

this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness every

period.

I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

[Guest guest]

yes, they are that selfish, unfortunately !!

Jackie

I think this is a great topic. I have never considered whether I had

long-term trauma from this, but my mother simply was not there for me. I was

given very grim news about my son and told he had less than a 3% chance to

survive. He has a condition called Arhtrogryposis. He was born with all

sorts of problems including pulmonary hypertension, prematurity, scoliosis,

etc.

I'll share a small example of what it was like. I was getting difficult news

throughout my pregnancy as we found out via ultra sound that my son was

going to have problems. So I was going back and forth to specilaists during

my pregnancy. When I was about 7 months along, my mother called me one day

whining about her problems and issues. She then told me she had spoken to

Jo, a friend of hers, and that Jo was the only person who had asked how MY

pregnancy had affected HER.

Honestly, I was flabergasted. Completely floored. And yet at the same time,

not surpised.

My baby spent a month in the NICU. Do you think my mother came to help me

clean my house, cook a meal, wash clothes? No. She was too busty worrying

about herself.

Incidentally, she was the same way with my sister. My sister's daughter was

born at 34 weeks and was on a ventilator in the NICU for a few weeks. My

mother told my sister she was getting " too attached " to her daughter and

shouldn't be going to the hospital every day.

Sometimes it's really unbelievable how freaking selfish they can be.

[Guest guest]

I didn't have a name for my Mother's problems when my son was born (other than

the very general term " nuckin fut " ) but bc of her instability, rages and cruel

remarks, I told my mother she could not come for his birth. Yes, this was an

extremely awkward conversation, but I did not want the focus of that magical

time to be on mother and on trying to guage when she might " blow. " my husband

and I are pretty much on our own and that was hard. It still hurts that I had to

be on my own with my son before he was a week old after nearly 24 hours of

active labor and nearly 4 hours in the delivery room and what my doctor called a

" blowout " birth and no mom to be there. I didn't even expect sympathy from her

bc she actually once told me (when she was angry about something I wouldn't do)

" Dont expect any sympathy from me when you have a baby! I won't listen and I

won't help! " My husband owns his own business and in this economy... He was

there more than we could afford, but I was devastated not to have the motherly

help, comfort, and presence all my friends received. (My MIL is deceased.) I

just don't trust her to hold it together and to focus on what is important - and

she's so sensitive that if I don't do everything her way she comes unglued. So I

don't really think I'm traumatized per se, but it is a lingering disappointment

that I am so sad had to become part of my reality.

>

> yes, they are that selfish, unfortunately !!

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

> I think this is a great topic. I have never considered whether I had

> long-term trauma from this, but my mother simply was not there for me. I was

> given very grim news about my son and told he had less than a 3% chance to

> survive. He has a condition called Arhtrogryposis. He was born with all

> sorts of problems including pulmonary hypertension, prematurity, scoliosis,

> etc.

>

> I'll share a small example of what it was like. I was getting difficult news

> throughout my pregnancy as we found out via ultra sound that my son was

> going to have problems. So I was going back and forth to specilaists during

> my pregnancy. When I was about 7 months along, my mother called me one day

> whining about her problems and issues. She then told me she had spoken to

> Jo, a friend of hers, and that Jo was the only person who had asked how MY

> pregnancy had affected HER.

>

> Honestly, I was flabergasted. Completely floored. And yet at the same time,

> not surpised.

>

> My baby spent a month in the NICU. Do you think my mother came to help me

> clean my house, cook a meal, wash clothes? No. She was too busty worrying

> about herself.

>

> Incidentally, she was the same way with my sister. My sister's daughter was

> born at 34 weeks and was on a ventilator in the NICU for a few weeks. My

> mother told my sister she was getting " too attached " to her daughter and

> shouldn't be going to the hospital every day.

>

> Sometimes it's really unbelievable how freaking selfish they can be.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can't believe how much this has affected me. I go through these bouts of

tears, pain and feeling so traumatized every period again. And it's horrible.

I want to be able to rid myself of it.

My son became autistic right after a booster vaccine. And again, there was no

one available. And it was sooooo hard.

I realize that she just doesn't have the capacity possibly to be there during

real times of difficulty.

She acts so nice otherwise. But, her niceties are usually her manipulating for

something she needs. Perhaps, that is the only language (manipulation)that she

truly understands.

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth..

When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands

rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed

to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and

was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x)

screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him,

my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help

me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I

was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She

looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely

disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah . . .I had nada spend the night in my hospital room the night my second was

born. (My BP ex-husband left me alone with the first one, completely

disconnected to the fact that my life was in danger because of toxemia and I was

terrified). I thought, since she had been so good with my all-good sister when

my sister was sick, nada would rise up and care for me.

Yeah. Right. I still regret that decision.

You bring up a good topic. I wonder, when you " flash back " to those emotions .

.. .could you be " flashing back " to the trauma of that level of abandonment? I

mean, that is some pretty severe survival stuff. To be abandoned in the very

moment and time you were in excrutiating pain AND you were worried for your

baby's survival . . .it doesn't get any worse than that. I mean, alone through

a birth like that? ACK!!

Plus, when you are giving birth, all of your instincts are on high alert. Could

it be that the ultra high-alert state you were in have caused you to " absorb "

the trauma more fully? I'm just throwing out theories. I guess what I'm saying

is I completely understand why this abandonment at this time would be unresolved

years later. That just makes sense to me.

Here's my take after giving birth two times: Childbirth, since the beginning of

humanity, has been done around other women, with the support of other women.

And that instinctual response of needing supportive women doesn't go away just

because we are more " civilized " or modern. (No offense to our wonderful men and

husbands out there--I honor and applaud all of those who were in the labor room

doing their part).

The process of childbirth takes us more fully to our base human instincts than

any other thing. And that instinct, I believe, calls out for the company of an

understanding woman. i.e. a mother, or someone to stand in for her. Nada not

only jacked with your sense of abandonment, she jacked with your basic human

instinctual response. She left you alone when generations of humanity have

understood that is a BAD IDEA.

Have you talked to a T about it? I would be curious as to what they would say.

Either way, I affirm you are not crazy. This makes sense. And yes, nadas

really are that disconnected and crazy. When you are made aware of the fact,

from your cellular core, that nada doesn't care if you lives or die, it hits

hard and deep. That is definitley a recipe for trauma. Especially in such a

vulnerable time.

You're answer is near. Just keep seeking--I believe you will find relief.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth..

When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands

rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed

to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and

was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x)

screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him,

my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help

me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I

was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She

looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely

disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

[Guest guest]

Hey there,

Have you heard of kenesiology before? I have never tried it and I'm not sure I

will give it full credit in my explanation, but from what I understand it is

based on the idea that we store emotions from events in our lives in our body. I

believe that practitioners can locate these events from the past in the body to

help release them. I have heard accounts of this process being eerily accurate.

Like I said a very layperson's (I'm being very P.C lol) explanation, but it

might be worth pursuing. Good luck :

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth..

When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands

rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed

to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and

was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x)

screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him,

my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help

me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I

was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She

looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely

disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

[Guest guest]

There's a number of things besides EMDR - though that's sure worth trying - that

might help you. Acupuncture can release stored emotion - that happened for me

one time. Also, you might look into finding an energy healer who can work to

unblock the energy. Another option is a shaman who could do soul retrieval -

returning a part of yourself you may have lost. It's really all about which

belief systems you are comfortable with but it sure sounds worth it for you.

Wombs are really connected to our feelings also...I had bleeding for over two

months that had to be medically corrected while grieving a death. It may be

with each period you access the feelings again, so maybe any method that works

for you to heal/release the trauma may resolve the period association.

Anyway just a bunch of ideas, so sorry this happened to you.

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth..

When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands

rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed

to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and

was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x)

screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him,

my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help

me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I

was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She

looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely

disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

[Guest guest]

I remember a few months ago, when I was doing a 5K, my mother was getting

agitated about being alone and Doug said, " instead of sitting home alone, she

could be supporting her daughter at her race. " It was like a little lightbulb

when he said that. It hadn't occurred to me. And it made me sad that it was

just a given that she wouldn't be there.

Same thing both times that I gave birth. I just didn't expect her to be there

for me. By " be there, " I mean be a support for me. Her definition of being

there is wringing her hands, annoying my husband with questions, and demanding

where the dr is. She wanted to be in the labor room but I absolutely refused.

She would've pulled one of her antics like pretending to faint to have the

attention on her.

With my 2nd baby, she called me one day late in my pregnancy and said that a

friend of hers, whose grandson was due around the same time as my baby, was so

excited that she would be in the labor room, sharing in her daughter's big day

and asked my mother if she would be... Then she laced into me about how hurt she

was and she couldn't believe I was excluding her. **I** couldn't believe she was

arguing with me about this in my 9th month. Such a pain. Again, I said no.

I wasn't traumatized or hurt, that I'm aware of right now. I just don't expect

that from my mother. She is hysterical and unhelpful in moments like that. After

my kids were born, yes, I 'll give her credit: she came over, cleaned, held the

kids, cooked, once the dust was settled. But even then, truly, I appreciated all

she did, but the whole while, I would be waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting

for her to criticize me, my husband, something. She and my father would do that,

it seemed. Wait for me to relax and then pounce on me about something. Most

times, I was right, and just that would happen, they would bring something up

that was none of their business or would criticize us.

I can never relax around her. I think, as a result of this type of behavior

from her and my father all my life, I became a very private person. I had no

desire for someone to be in the room with me when I gave birth.

I do understand, though, others' desire for that, esp when the baby is having

health issues, you can't do it on your own.

I'm so sorry for the experiences of others who replied to this question and

their nadas' rejection during such a crucial time. This was a good question.

> >

> > yes, they are that selfish, unfortunately !!

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I think this is a great topic. I have never considered whether I had

> > long-term trauma from this, but my mother simply was not there for me. I was

> > given very grim news about my son and told he had less than a 3% chance to

> > survive. He has a condition called Arhtrogryposis. He was born with all

> > sorts of problems including pulmonary hypertension, prematurity, scoliosis,

> > etc.

> >

> > I'll share a small example of what it was like. I was getting difficult news

> > throughout my pregnancy as we found out via ultra sound that my son was

> > going to have problems. So I was going back and forth to specilaists during

> > my pregnancy. When I was about 7 months along, my mother called me one day

> > whining about her problems and issues. She then told me she had spoken to

> > Jo, a friend of hers, and that Jo was the only person who had asked how MY

> > pregnancy had affected HER.

> >

> > Honestly, I was flabergasted. Completely floored. And yet at the same time,

> > not surpised.

> >

> > My baby spent a month in the NICU. Do you think my mother came to help me

> > clean my house, cook a meal, wash clothes? No. She was too busty worrying

> > about herself.

> >

> > Incidentally, she was the same way with my sister. My sister's daughter was

> > born at 34 weeks and was on a ventilator in the NICU for a few weeks. My

> > mother told my sister she was getting " too attached " to her daughter and

> > shouldn't be going to the hospital every day.

> >

> > Sometimes it's really unbelievable how freaking selfish they can be.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My nada was in another state (thank goodness) and she never came for any of my

kids' births. I didn't want her there because of her dramatic behavior. I mean

really - when my Dad had his first heart attack and was laying in the hospital

bed, she yelled at him, complained about how hard it was on her. The same thing

during his last months of life as he lay dying from cancer, she was a mean,

demanding person. Kept saying he was just doing this to make her life miserable

and he just wanted her to wait on him hand and foot. So you can see why I didn't

want her around.

What does hurt is now we have our first grandchild. I was there with my daughter

through her whole birthing experience. Wow! Ideally, that's the way it should

be. I got the privilege of that experience because her husband was too busy

sleeping instead of helping. But now my nada isn't interested in see her first

great grandchild. You know why? Because it's a boy and she doesn't like boys.

She kept saying, even during the pregnancy, why can't she have a girl? Well, you

get what you get.

I'm so sorry you had a rotten experience with the FIL. Childbirth is exhausting

enough without the added pressure. I guess I was lucky to be left alone then.

irene

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth..

When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands

rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed

to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and

was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x)

screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him,

my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help

me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I

was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She

looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely

disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

[Guest guest]

I think that is so typical too. When my dad was having horrible gallbladder

attacks, but my mother wouldn't let him go to the doctor!!! And he listened to

her! How crazy is that?!

When she died, he had to have his gallbladder out after just 3 weeks of her

death and the doctor said it was so bad that it was poisoning his body and he

had to wear this drain thing for like a week after surgery. It was awful.

BPDs are so freaking selfish.

Re: Life Long Trauma & Birth

My nada was in another state (thank goodness) and she never came for any of my

kids' births. I didn't want her there because of her dramatic behavior. I mean

really - when my Dad had his first heart attack and was laying in the hospital

bed, she yelled at him, complained about how hard it was on her. The same thing

during his last months of life as he lay dying from cancer, she was a mean,

demanding person. Kept saying he was just doing this to make her life miserable

and he just wanted her to wait on him hand and foot. So you can see why I didn't

want her around.

What does hurt is now we have our first grandchild. I was there with my daughter

through her whole birthing experience. Wow! Ideally, that's the way it should

be. I got the privilege of that experience because her husband was too busy

sleeping instead of helping. But now my nada isn't interested in see her first

great grandchild. You know why? Because it's a boy and she doesn't like boys.

She kept saying, even during the pregnancy, why can't she have a girl? Well, you

get what you get.

I'm so sorry you had a rotten experience with the FIL. Childbirth is exhausting

enough without the added pressure. I guess I was lucky to be left alone then.

irene

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your mothers,

as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth.. When we

really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands rude

father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed to

help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and was

just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x) screaming

" You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him, my mom

wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help me. I

remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I was so

lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She looked at

me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely disconnected from the

importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

[Guest guest]

My heart truly goes out to you. I felt very alone and confused when my dtr was

born. I expected an instant connection that didn't come right away. I wanted

this baby more than anything, and I felt like a monster for not feeling like I

" should " . This has been very hard for me to get over, and like most of us on

this site, I had no mom to go to. I am expecting my second child and am

terrified this will happen again. I don't have a specifc one to direct you to,

but there are tons of on-line support groups like this one for these kinds of

issues. I tried EMDR myself for other things, but I dissociate so it wasn't a

good treatment option for me b/c I can't make myself feel the feeling on

command. Def. find a counselor for this. I wish I was of more help, but I do

think you can work through this and I wish you the best of luck and am sending

you internet hugs.

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth..

When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands

rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed

to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and

was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x)

screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him,

my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help

me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I

was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She

looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely

disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz--

I had the same experience with my first. It took a long time for me to truly

bond with him. The birth experience was too traumatic, and it was all so new.

(We bonded very strongly since, and have a very strong healthy relationship,

according to the T we saw after the divorce.) I kind of resent the idea that

bonding with your baby should be an instantaneous thing, with no exceptions.

Every mom and every baby is different. The stuff that matters is that the baby

is cared for, cuddled, held, fed, loved, and protected by a sane set of parents.

Patience and grace is required with the whole " first newborn " experience.

I didn't have ANY troubles with bonding with my second. Bonding came right away

because I knew what to expect, I knew how to create a more positive birthing

experience for myself (thank you, doula) and I didn't have the trauma of

adjusting to motherhood.

Funny. I just realized something. Entering motherhood was traumatic for me. I

had been told my whole life what a horrible mother I would be. (Thanks, FOO).

I had wrapped my entire identity into becoming what FOO wanted me to become--a

cold hearted corporate tycoon who was only good for climbing the corporate

ladder. Imagine how horrible it was for me to suddenly be the loving warm

nurturing mommy 24/7. I felt like I had betrayed my only destiny and ripped out

my family's heart by being . . .a good mother. Worse still, becoming a mother

stripped away a lot of comfortable delusions. When you become a good and loving

mother, its hard to continue to believe nada's got it goin' on.

Long story short: My second was just fine. I didn't have any of the

bonding/confusion/trauma with him. It was tons tons tons easier!!

Now? My sons (8 and 11) and I are so bonded I can't wait to get them out of my

hair sometimes!!!

If I am any example, you have no need to fear.

Blessings,

Karla

> >

> > I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth..

When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

> >

> > I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands

rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed

to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and

was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x)

screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him,

my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help

me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I

was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She

looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely

disconnected from the importance of that moment.

> >

> > To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

> >

> > I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of

you used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I continue to mourn the loss of my mother daily although she lives only a

few hundred miles away. I mourn the relationship we will never have. She's

in her own world. I make small talk with her briefly about once a week.

But its not the loving caring type of mom you see in movies. Its something

else. I've resolved myself to this fact. But it still makes me sad because

I always tend to think the relationship could be so much more.

I find my own healing in spending times with my kids. Doing things as a

mother and being the mother that my own mom couldn't be to me.

>

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

> supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

> mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child

> birth.. When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

> born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely

> alone, and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my

> husbands rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He

> was supposed to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother

> were relevant and was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my

> husband (now x) screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. "

> Because, of him, my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that

> she'd promised to help me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came

> out and took me to lunch. I was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I

> asked her to stay longer. She looked at me blankly and left. It was as if

> her brain was completely disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

> aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns

> with my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure

> how to get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and

> loneliness every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of

> you used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Karla- that really comforts me to know that just b/c I had that

experience with my 1st doesn't mean it will be repeated w/ my second. People

don't talk about these experiences b/c they don't want to be viewed as a

monster. I didn't tell anyone for a long time and I felt so alone. I really feel

that new mothers should be better educated on potential bonding issues or

situations.

> > >

> > > I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously

not supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth..

When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

> > >

> > > I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son

was born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely

alone, and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my

husbands rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was

supposed to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were

relevant and was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband

(now x) screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because,

of him, my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised

to help me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to

lunch. I was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay

longer. She looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was

completely disconnected from the importance of that moment.

> > >

> > > To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

> > >

> > > I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of

you used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jill, I do the same thing. I think they're just incapable of understanding how

we feel.

Re: Life Long Trauma & Birth

I continue to mourn the loss of my mother daily although she lives only a

few hundred miles away. I mourn the relationship we will never have. She's

in her own world. I make small talk with her briefly about once a week.

But its not the loving caring type of mom you see in movies. Its something

else. I've resolved myself to this fact. But it still makes me sad because

I always tend to think the relationship could be so much more.

I find my own healing in spending times with my kids. Doing things as a

mother and being the mother that my own mom couldn't be to me.

>

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

> supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your

> mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child

> birth.. When we really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

> born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely

> alone, and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my

> husbands rude father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He

> was supposed to help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother

> were relevant and was just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my

> husband (now x) screaming " You get home from work NOW and tend your father. "

> Because, of him, my mom wouldn't even come out the two or three days that

> she'd promised to help me. I remember one afternoon that she finally came

> out and took me to lunch. I was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I

> asked her to stay longer. She looked at me blankly and left. It was as if

> her brain was completely disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

> aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns

> with my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure

> how to get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and

> loneliness every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of

> you used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

 Friend, I know how you feel, especially the part that you mentioned she looked

at you blankly as if her brain was disconnected with the moment. I've

experienced that numerous time and it's painful but at least you can feel her

being disconnected.....

Have you ever heard of EFT ?? Take a look at the below youtube video and the

rest. This would help you with your emotional pain, anger, selfsteem and etc.,.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, June 30, 2010 4:23:39 AM

Subject: Life Long Trauma & Birth

Â

I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your mothers,

as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth.. When we

really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was born

(by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone, and

afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands rude

father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed to

help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and was

just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x) screaming

" You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him, my mom

wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help me. I

remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I was so

lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She looked at

me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely disconnected from the

importance of that moment.

To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional aloneness

and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with my period.

I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to get rid of

this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness every

period.

I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

[Guest guest]

Tarang, thanks for posting that link to the video of the therapist and young man

working together on clearing trauma. I experienced this type of treatment mny

years ago and it was beneficial. Nothing really stopped adding additional trauma

on top of the stuff that the therpay was clearing though, until I discovered the

clinical explanation of BPD, which brought logic and order to my chaotic

memories. That, and going NC really helped. I might go for more of this therapy

in the near future. Thanks so much for providing the link.

AwayFromBorderland

>

> Â Friend, I know how you feel, especially the part that you mentioned she

looked at you blankly as if her brain was disconnected with the moment. I've

experienced that numerous time and it's painful but at least you can feel her

being disconnected.....

>

> Have you ever heard of EFT ?? Take a look at the below youtube video and the

rest. This would help you with your emotional pain, anger, selfsteem and etc.,.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Wed, June 30, 2010 4:23:39 AM

> Subject: Life Long Trauma & Birth

>

> Â

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are obviously not

supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure that many of your mothers,

as mine, were completely not supportive during times of child birth.. When we

really, really needed a mother, her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my son was

born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt completely alone,

and afraid. My mother never came and played her role. Instead, my husbands rude

father wanted to come out the first week to see the baby. He was supposed to

help. Of course, he didn't think any needs of a new mother were relevant and was

just rude & dis missing as usual. I finally called my husband (now x) screaming

" You get home from work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him, my mom

wouldn't even come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help me. I

remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch. I was so

lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay longer. She looked at

me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was completely disconnected from the

importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and emotional

aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child birth...It returns with

my period. I know that the body holds traumatic memories. I'm not sure how to

get rid of this. I don't want to re experience the trauma, pain and loneliness

every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any of you

used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Great question - and it confirms fears I had for many years of what

might have happened if I chose to have children. My heart goes out to

all of you who have suffered during what should be a joyous time.

My mostly-Queen Nada was so into making our FOO her perfected vision, I

experienced extreme anxiety whenever I considered having children and

ultimately chose not to do so because I was afraid I could not protect

myself and my would-be kids from her control. I was physically afraid

and mentally afraid, so, yes, I experienced trauma to such a degree that

it kept me from having children altogether. (I have since " divorced " my

Nada for this and many of the reasons brought up in others messages.)

Two things that showed me the writing on the wall and reinforced my

natural panic before I dealt with the full spectrum of my Nada's BPD:

About 10 years ago, I married a great guy with 2 kids from his previous

marriage (then aged 10 and 5) and she was so upset I chose to give those

kids my attention when they were with us, rather than have " my own "

baby, that she broadcast her feelings about it to everyone who knew me

for about 2 years, even my friends who barely knew her around our town.

It was a constant source of friction and a subject each time we talked.

She was rarely nice to my stepkids and only gave gifts to them that she

bought at church 3rd world markets, not things she would ever get my

sibling's children or even age-appropriate or thoughtful as to their

personalities, etc... She seemed to have no interest in the kids

themselves, just in how they were complicating my life and " taking away

my ability to have my own children. "

Once, at Christmas just after we married, she visited and insisted we

make cookies. Her attempt to bond with these kids ended with my

stepdaughter excusing herself to go to the bathroom and not coming out

(smart!) and her telling the youngest he did not roll out the dough

correctly, grabbing the rolling pin away and showing him " how to do it

right. " I thought, " She barely knows these kids and they did nothing

except accept her into their home with best intentions, and here she is,

basically showing them they are " not as good " because they are not my

natural children. Geez - what would happen if I DID have my own and then

they were not living up to her vision? I KNOW what happened to me!!! " I

got her away from the kids and never repeated a visit like that.

She kept on broadcasting, so I finally I figured I would " hit home. " I

told her I was worried I might become postpartum depressed, as I thought

she had been. (My entire life, she refused to talk about her suicide

attempts and refused to seek counseling once she was " better, " so I had

no idea why/how she got depressed.) I told her if I did have a child,

that I was worried the child might also carry a predisposistion to

depression and that I would not want to bring that to anyone's life,

considering what we had gone through with her multiple suicide

attempts...that I just did not want to even look down that road for fear

I could not get off it. (I also feared she would constantly intrude in

our family life and be a negative force in those kids' lives. I broke

free of her home and I did not want to repeat the cycle.) So she told

me that that thinking was " crazy, " she was never postpartum, just " sick "

from using a toxic ant spray in my baby brother's room (I guess that

just recurs every few years...lol), and that I must have a baby because

it would be so smart and beautiful and it would be " mine. " I said, these

kids are here now, they need love and attention that I don't want to

take away from them with a new baby in the family, and they are enough

for me, so leave it alone. She still harped on it, but became worried I

would " tell " everyone my real reasons, so, to keep her depressions

secret, she quit insisting...then...

My brother and his wife had their second child and my Nada arrived 2

days after the birth and entered the household with a pile of CD's and

insisted my brother begin burning them right away, before they even went

upstairs to see the newborn, or they would not be done before she left.

(She was making a mix for her pastor/crush. Seriously.) My sister-in-law

was furious she had come to see the baby but was really doing it just

for herself - and my Nada could not understand why her behavior was not

appropriate. But she is doting and sweet with those kids, because they

are my bro's " natural " children, so they let her visit and put up with

that behavior...Just wait until one of the kids says, " No, Grandma, I

don't want to do it your way. "

Now that I understand through reading and therapy that my Nada saw my

brothers and I as extensions of her projections of perfect children -

and because I was most rebellious, I was usually singled out when I

wasn't living up to that vision - so all of this behavior - and most of

my life - now makes sense. She, literally, wants to keep adding to her

" perfect " brood, so she can crow about " her " successes. So sad. I

understand it comes from her being an abandoned only child, but she

refuses to see the connection to her motivations or depressions. I

grieve about not experiencing birth, and it is hard when people say

things like, " you will never be a real woman unless you have your own

baby, " but I am happy I chose to be a realistic step-mom rather than a

tormented " real " mom. I cannot imagine the strife or the self-second

guessing I would have done, trying to figure out what was appropriate

and what was too much. With my stepkids, control issues still pop up,

and I have to consciously reframe often, because I was taught parenting

by a needy child in a woman's body. I try my best to support my

stepkids' independence and choices. I feel I have found a good place for

myself as their advocate and a " third party " caring adult/parent when

they have issues with their own parents. And - we are all so happy we

don't have to kowtow to woman who will never be truly caring or loving

toward any of us.

>

> I have a question especially for the women. Our mothers are

obviously not supportive of us at crucial moments. And so I am sure

that many of your mothers, as mine, were completely not supportive

during times of child birth.. When we really, really needed a mother,

her love and guidance.

>

> I wondered if any of you have long term traumas from this. When my

son was born (by C section)..not only was it terrifying. But, I felt

completely alone, and afraid. My mother never came and played her role.

Instead, my husbands rude father wanted to come out the first week to

see the baby. He was supposed to help. Of course, he didn't think any

needs of a new mother were relevant and was just rude & dis missing as

usual. I finally called my husband (now x) screaming " You get home from

work NOW and tend your father. " Because, of him, my mom wouldn't even

come out the two or three days that she'd promised to help me. I

remember one afternoon that she finally came out and took me to lunch.

I was so lonely. As she left, I began to cry. I asked her to stay

longer. She looked at me blankly and left. It was as if her brain was

completely disconnected from the importance of that moment.

>

> To this day, nine years later, I still have this trauma and

emotional aloneness and pain, as experienced during my sons child

birth...It returns with my period. I know that the body holds traumatic

memories. I'm not sure how to get rid of this. I don't want to re

experience the trauma, pain and loneliness every period.

>

> I've thought about EMDR therapy where they help with trauma. Have any

of you used that? I doubt my mother will be much help....DOH!

>