Re: Breaking NC due to grandpa's death and I'm going crazy!!!!

[Guest guest]

AJ,

I'm sorry for your loss. Temporary contact because of a death is NOT

loosing...it is necessary for you to have contact with your family at this

time...after the funeral is over and the drama settles down, then you can go

back NC and mourn in your own way.

Jackie

I have been NC with my nada for about 3 months now. I recently had to break

it because my grandfather has just passed away. I got the phone call from my

cousin (whom I was estranged from my whole life because of my nada) and

found out he was in the hospital and gravely ill. She advised me to say

goodbye now, which I was so glad I did because I was able to say everything

I wanted to say.

The horrible thing about it is that I am not able to grieve the loss of my

grandfather because of my nada's constant meddling. Of course, she has opted

to take over ALL plans of funeral arrangements.Of course, she is making

things enormously difficult because my grandmother is now living with her.

Because my grandma is the next of kin, all funeral arrangements have to be

approved by her.....and who do you think will influence her?! That's

right....my nada....which is EXACTLY why my nada has her living with her.

How does the saying go? " The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that

rules the world. "

I have been force to speak to my nada about funeral arrangements. I hate

that because I feel like she won. Everytime she does something that causes

me to go NC, she calls me and pretends to everything is okay (instead of

apologizing, which she will never do). She has asked me to communicate with

other family members and asked me to come visit because " Your grandma would

like to see you. " I totally see this as her way of sucking me back into her

'Tower of Terror' and I refuse to do it. I am sticking to my boundaries and

refuse to get involved in the gossip. I politely say " I will be happy to

call anyone, but if you want me to relay details, you will have to do that

yourself. " I just see tha as a way for her to maintain contact with me and I

am will not have it.

I am so frustrated that I have not been able to just be sad. I am trying to

regain those relationships that I lost due to my nada's isolation of me as a

child. I have re-established contact with my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

all of whom my nada told me were " evil and never loved me " . I get to hear

stories of what REALLY happened at my communion, graduations, etc. that they

never attended (of course my nada TOLD them not to come after she created a

HUGE arguement). Its nice to have that kind of closure.

AJ

[Guest guest]

AJ

First of all, I m sorry for your loss. So much of the life of us KO s

is loss, and perhaps that is part of the reason that our emotions and

our grieving process is skewed as well.

Still grieving is a very, very personal process. We go through phases

of grief, ( Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance) and we do not

necessarily go through in a straight line. You WILL grieve the loss of

your grandfather, in your own way, in your own time. Sadness may come

in waves, or not at all for a time, then a word, a song, a smell,

something will trigger it.

Nada will be her same crazy self. She will control and manipulate and

push buttons. So what? You lost someone you love. You will grieve, you

will be sad, you will heal and deal. Go to the funeral, not to succumb

to her machinations, but to show your sense of loss and connection with

those who also feel the loss of the old man. Make contact with those

who you will to be in contact with, and maintain your bounderies

concerning nada as you must to be healthy.

Don t worry that the sadness seems not to be there. Your grief is

yours, and will be expressed as you need to express it. Likely you

instinctively guard against expressing emotion around nada, because,

well, she is nada. The rules on how you grieve are, there are no

rules. It is your loss, your grief, and you grieve it as it comes out.

The tears will come. The goodbye will come. Let it come as it does,

and ignore nada s control freak approach. If you simply sat on a

hillside, watched the sunset, and whispered, Bye Pops, I love you, then

that would be your way of observing his death.

The funeral is for the comfort of the living. The grief is the soul s

way of healing the loss. Be patient with yourself. You will grieve.

Heal.

May we all heal.

Blessings

Doug

>

> I have been NC with my nada for about 3 months now. I recently had to

break it because my grandfather has just passed away. I got the phone

call from my cousin (whom I was estranged from my whole life because of

my nada) and found out he was in the hospital and gravely ill. She

advised me to say goodbye now, which I was so glad I did because I was

able to say everything I wanted to say.

>

> The horrible thing about it is that I am not able to grieve the loss

of my grandfather because of my nada's constant meddling. Of course, she

has opted to take over ALL plans of funeral arrangements.Of course, she

is making things enormously difficult because my grandmother is now

living with her. Because my grandma is the next of kin, all funeral

arrangements have to be approved by her.....and who do you think will

influence her?! That's right....my nada....which is EXACTLY why my nada

has her living with her. How does the saying go? " The hand that rocks

the cradle is the hand that rules the world. "

>

> I have been force to speak to my nada about funeral arrangements. I

hate that because I feel like she won. Everytime she does something that

causes me to go NC, she calls me and pretends to everything is okay

(instead of apologizing, which she will never do). She has asked me to

communicate with other family members and asked me to come visit because

" Your grandma would like to see you. " I totally see this as her way of

sucking me back into her 'Tower of Terror' and I refuse to do it. I am

sticking to my boundaries and refuse to get involved in the gossip. I

politely say " I will be happy to call anyone, but if you want me to

relay details, you will have to do that yourself. " I just see tha as a

way for her to maintain contact with me and I am will not have it.

>

> I am so frustrated that I have not been able to just be sad. I am

trying to regain those relationships that I lost due to my nada's

isolation of me as a child. I have re-established contact with my

cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. all of whom my nada told me were " evil and

never loved me " . I get to hear stories of what REALLY happened at my

communion, graduations, etc. that they never attended (of course my nada

TOLD them not to come after she created a HUGE arguement). Its nice to

have that kind of closure.

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your kind words and advice on how to deal with the my nada after

my grandfather's death. The hard part of this all is having to face my nada. I

hate that I allow my nada to control my emotions so much. I hate that I have to

deal with all this bs when I should just be dealing with my grandfather. I hate

that I don't have a " normal " family. When my husband's dad died, we all got

together and leaned on each other for comfort. Yeah...not gonna happen here. The

dysfunction is much deeper than my relationship with my nada. She isn't talking

to most of her siblings because they all hate her, and all of the cousins

haven't seen each other in a very long time. I have zero respect for my

grandmother because she is the Queen of BPD LAND and is the reason my nada is

the way she is. The tension at the funeral is what I am dreading most of

all....worse than seeing my grandfather for the last time.

AJ

> >

> > I have been NC with my nada for about 3 months now. I recently had to

> break it because my grandfather has just passed away. I got the phone

> call from my cousin (whom I was estranged from my whole life because of

> my nada) and found out he was in the hospital and gravely ill. She

> advised me to say goodbye now, which I was so glad I did because I was

> able to say everything I wanted to say.

> >

> > The horrible thing about it is that I am not able to grieve the loss

> of my grandfather because of my nada's constant meddling. Of course, she

> has opted to take over ALL plans of funeral arrangements.Of course, she

> is making things enormously difficult because my grandmother is now

> living with her. Because my grandma is the next of kin, all funeral

> arrangements have to be approved by her.....and who do you think will

> influence her?! That's right....my nada....which is EXACTLY why my nada

> has her living with her. How does the saying go? " The hand that rocks

> the cradle is the hand that rules the world. "

> >

> > I have been force to speak to my nada about funeral arrangements. I

> hate that because I feel like she won. Everytime she does something that

> causes me to go NC, she calls me and pretends to everything is okay

> (instead of apologizing, which she will never do). She has asked me to

> communicate with other family members and asked me to come visit because

> " Your grandma would like to see you. " I totally see this as her way of

> sucking me back into her 'Tower of Terror' and I refuse to do it. I am

> sticking to my boundaries and refuse to get involved in the gossip. I

> politely say " I will be happy to call anyone, but if you want me to

> relay details, you will have to do that yourself. " I just see tha as a

> way for her to maintain contact with me and I am will not have it.

> >

> > I am so frustrated that I have not been able to just be sad. I am

> trying to regain those relationships that I lost due to my nada's

> isolation of me as a child. I have re-established contact with my

> cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. all of whom my nada told me were " evil and

> never loved me " . I get to hear stories of what REALLY happened at my

> communion, graduations, etc. that they never attended (of course my nada

> TOLD them not to come after she created a HUGE arguement). Its nice to

> have that kind of closure.

> >

> > AJ

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry for your loss too AJ. I had a very delayed grieving for my own

grandfather because my nada's emotions took center stage. Which at the time I

felt they should because he was her father, etc. and I was young and not

questioning much. I find grief will wait for you till you are ready and the

time is right to feel it.

>

> Thank you for your kind words and advice on how to deal with the my nada after

my grandfather's death. The hard part of this all is having to face my nada. I

hate that I allow my nada to control my emotions so much. I hate that I have to

deal with all this bs when I should just be dealing with my grandfather. I hate

that I don't have a " normal " family. When my husband's dad died, we all got

together and leaned on each other for comfort. Yeah...not gonna happen here. The

dysfunction is much deeper than my relationship with my nada. She isn't talking

to most of her siblings because they all hate her, and all of the cousins

haven't seen each other in a very long time. I have zero respect for my

grandmother because she is the Queen of BPD LAND and is the reason my nada is

the way she is. The tension at the funeral is what I am dreading most of

all....worse than seeing my grandfather for the last time.

>

> AJ

[Guest guest]

AJ - I, too, offer condolences on the loss of your grandfather, and on having to

deal with it while Nada's in the picture. What Doug has written here could be

useful for anyone who's facing this kind of loss, whether BPD is involved or

not. He and have given you sound and sage advice.

When my grandmother (Nada's mother, also pretty crazy) died, Nada made it all

about her. Fine. It was her mother, so I figured that was a normal condition.

Then when my dad died, again Nada made it all about her. I figured, well, she's

the widow, so again, whatever histrionics she displayed were OK. But then later

- days, months later - I had these severe waves of grief and some anxiety

attacks. I realized that it was my own grief about losing my Dad, coming to the

surface after Nada was safely " put to bed. "

Now, in retrospect, I realize that I should have been allowed to show my sorrow

and grieve my father's death, instead of having to be Nada's caretaker through

the whole process.

So yes, if you don't process the grief right away, it's OK. But it will come,

and it will seem strange to be emerging after such a delay. Just know that it's

happened to others, and it will be OK.

> >

> > I have been NC with my nada for about 3 months now. I recently had to

> break it because my grandfather has just passed away. I got the phone

> call from my cousin (whom I was estranged from my whole life because of

> my nada) and found out he was in the hospital and gravely ill. She

> advised me to say goodbye now, which I was so glad I did because I was

> able to say everything I wanted to say.

> >

> > The horrible thing about it is that I am not able to grieve the loss

> of my grandfather because of my nada's constant meddling. Of course, she

> has opted to take over ALL plans of funeral arrangements.Of course, she

> is making things enormously difficult because my grandmother is now

> living with her. Because my grandma is the next of kin, all funeral

> arrangements have to be approved by her.....and who do you think will

> influence her?! That's right....my nada....which is EXACTLY why my nada

> has her living with her. How does the saying go? " The hand that rocks

> the cradle is the hand that rules the world. "

> >

> > I have been force to speak to my nada about funeral arrangements. I

> hate that because I feel like she won. Everytime she does something that

> causes me to go NC, she calls me and pretends to everything is okay

> (instead of apologizing, which she will never do). She has asked me to

> communicate with other family members and asked me to come visit because

> " Your grandma would like to see you. " I totally see this as her way of

> sucking me back into her 'Tower of Terror' and I refuse to do it. I am

> sticking to my boundaries and refuse to get involved in the gossip. I

> politely say " I will be happy to call anyone, but if you want me to

> relay details, you will have to do that yourself. " I just see tha as a

> way for her to maintain contact with me and I am will not have it.

> >

> > I am so frustrated that I have not been able to just be sad. I am

> trying to regain those relationships that I lost due to my nada's

> isolation of me as a child. I have re-established contact with my

> cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. all of whom my nada told me were " evil and

> never loved me " . I get to hear stories of what REALLY happened at my

> communion, graduations, etc. that they never attended (of course my nada

> TOLD them not to come after she created a HUGE arguement). Its nice to

> have that kind of closure.

> >

> > AJ

> >

>