Re: transfer of emotions/ emotional process from bdp to ko

[Guest guest]

phine that is some seriously crazy-making behavior. My own FOO doesn't go

quite that far, but they definitely want me to join with them in feeling bad,

miserable, helpless, enraged about whatever it is they are stirred up about.

It's more than validation - they want me to feel it too. So similar but not

quite the whole enchilada you are dealing with. My advice (if you are looking!)

is don't let them transfer the feelings to you in the first place. Keep it on

them with sayings like " That's awful, what are *you* going to do about that? "

>

> I am probably not going to articulate this well at all, but my mother has done

this all my life, and I have an aunt that does this as well. in fact my aunt is

far worse, she can give you whiplash by how fast she disagrees with herself.

>

> my mother has feelings, which she dumps on me. then I empathize. somehow she

gets a release from this and doesn't have the feelings anymore. if I stand up

for her or whatever (which I did all the time growing up, with my dad, because

he was an abuser and I was young and naive), suddenly, not only can she not see

her point of view that she *just* had, but now I am also bad and awful for

creating problems/trouble/drama, and not only does she not claim having the

prior emotional state, but I am 'black on black' for feeling the way I do.

>

> How do they do this? Can anyone relate? it makes my head spin, it's literally

like they take their own emotional state, that causes them discomfort because it

conflicts with how they want to see things, and they implant it within YOU, like

a tumor. And then they turn around and go 'ew, look, you've got a tumor!'. My

aunt will do this ten times in conversation. Make a statement, get your

agreement, and then turn around and disagree with you, so that she is

essentially disagreeing with herself. I know this comes from trauma but it is so

weird to me, and crazy-making.

>

[Guest guest]

phine and

This is so strange that it is so similiar! It is almost like my NADA can't feel

good unless I feel bad. I was just thinking the other night, when I felt really

bad, that I don't have to take her feelings. Even as a kid, I stood up for her,

especially to my grand nada. She is the hermit, martyr type and will complain

about something until I get upset and then do or say something. Then she feels

ok.

I was reading the posts the other day about the anxiety that comes with standing

up for oneself and someone said that it came from growing and being told that

something bad will happen since you talked back or stood up for yourself. I have

suffered since  I was 10 years old of  anxiety when speaking up for myself.

The anxiety, the knots in my stomach, the racing heart. I have been trying to

remember what and when it happened but can't seem to find it.

The one thing that I remember vividly growing up is sitting in my window sill

and crying alot. And I was also crying " I want my mommy " . That deep down kind of

hurt. I think I knew as a child that I didn't have one. Yet she will be 73 next

month. Still picking at the wounds she inflicted on me and living in her

delusional world.

Subject: Re: transfer of emotions/ emotional process from

bdp to ko

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, June 29, 2010, 3:49 AM

 

phine that is some seriously crazy-making behavior. My own FOO doesn't go

quite that far, but they definitely want me to join with them in feeling bad,

miserable, helpless, enraged about whatever it is they are stirred up about.

It's more than validation - they want me to feel it too. So similar but not

quite the whole enchilada you are dealing with. My advice (if you are looking!)

is don't let them transfer the feelings to you in the first place. Keep it on

them with sayings like " That's awful, what are *you* going to do about that? "

>

> I am probably not going to articulate this well at all, but my mother has done

this all my life, and I have an aunt that does this as well. in fact my aunt is

far worse, she can give you whiplash by how fast she disagrees with herself.

>

> my mother has feelings, which she dumps on me. then I empathize. somehow she

gets a release from this and doesn't have the feelings anymore. if I stand up

for her or whatever (which I did all the time growing up, with my dad, because

he was an abuser and I was young and naive), suddenly, not only can she not see

her point of view that she *just* had, but now I am also bad and awful for

creating problems/trouble/drama, and not only does she not claim having the

prior emotional state, but I am 'black on black' for feeling the way I do.

>

> How do they do this? Can anyone relate? it makes my head spin, it's literally

like they take their own emotional state, that causes them discomfort because it

conflicts with how they want to see things, and they implant it within YOU, like

a tumor. And then they turn around and go 'ew, look, you've got a tumor!'. My

aunt will do this ten times in conversation. Make a statement, get your

agreement, and then turn around and disagree with you, so that she is

essentially disagreeing with herself. I know this comes from trauma but it is so

weird to me, and crazy-making.

>

[Guest guest]

that is kind of the first part of what my mother does, but instead of 'feeling

ok' she then makes me feel like I did the wrong thing for standing up for her.

when I was a kid it was terrible. she would turn on a dime, from pitiful and me

sympathizing to then telling me what a horrible rotten kid I was for 'feeling

that way' -- the very way she was just confiding in me that she felt. Total

inability to realize I am a separate person and so it's easy to cast her

negative feelings onto me and then castigate me for having *her* prior feelings.

One thing I just remembered, there has been the slogan in my immediate family

since I was young that we are 'cursed' and therefore nothing ever 'works out'

for my parents or us kids. I remember my mom telling my sister had asked her one

time, 'how come nothing ever works out for me' and comparing herself to a

wealthy cousin and my mother said, 'because you are OUR child and we are cursed

and nothing ever works out for us.' Then a while (several years I think) later I

was afraid to do something and my mother asked me why and I said 'because

nothing ever works out for us and there is no use to try' and she jumped all

over me and said, 'that is such a copout, blah, blah, blah, stop making

excuses'. I was like, to be crude, wtf? Seriously. My family makes absolutely no

sense whatsoever.

> >

> > I am probably not going to articulate this well at all, but my mother has

done this all my life, and I have an aunt that does this as well. in fact my

aunt is far worse, she can give you whiplash by how fast she disagrees with

herself.

> >

> > my mother has feelings, which she dumps on me. then I empathize. somehow she

gets a release from this and doesn't have the feelings anymore. if I stand up

for her or whatever (which I did all the time growing up, with my dad, because

he was an abuser and I was young and naive), suddenly, not only can she not see

her point of view that she *just* had, but now I am also bad and awful for

creating problems/trouble/drama, and not only does she not claim having the

prior emotional state, but I am 'black on black' for feeling the way I do.

> >

> > How do they do this? Can anyone relate? it makes my head spin, it's

literally like they take their own emotional state, that causes them discomfort

because it conflicts with how they want to see things, and they implant it

within YOU, like a tumor. And then they turn around and go 'ew, look, you've got

a tumor!'. My aunt will do this ten times in conversation. Make a statement, get

your agreement, and then turn around and disagree with you, so that she is

essentially disagreeing with herself. I know this comes from trauma but it is so

weird to me, and crazy-making.

> >

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