Re: Why do I attract BPDs?!!!

[Guest guest]

I can relate to feeling like this. I feel like I attract BPD's to. Ironically, I

have a very close friend who is severely BPD. I have given her all of the

literature I can on BPD but she wont get help. I believe her 17 year old

daughter now has it as she is now displaying self injuring behaviors.

Unfortunately, the stupid doctors are diagnosing the daughter as bipolar. She is

so not bipolar. She is self injuring, threatening suicide...all of the things

teenage BPDs do. I tried talking to my friend about it but she wont listen to

reason. I put up with this one sided relationship and sometimes ask myself why.

Why do I attract BPDs?!!!

I recently met this woman... we started to have a pretty good friendship but for

some reason, some of the things she did REALLY got under my skin. She was pretty

narcissistic and self-centered but I decided to over-look it. It was one of

those things where I came away saying, " Man, she really reminds me of someone...

OH! MY BPD MOTHER! " We had this huge blow-up fight and I spent the rest of the

evening screaming and beating up the trees in the backyard... I was SO pissed.

Not really at her... I realized I was so mad at nada... and so mad at myself for

not seeing it earlier... and so mad at myself for finding myself in another

abusive/unhealthy relationship.

I am really striving to be around " safe " people and to BE a safe person...

Am I a glutton for punishment? Any advice or thoughts?!

[Guest guest]

I think it makes sense--they seem to find us as well, don't they? I don't know

if you've ever read " Boomerang Love " but she talks about that--BPs seem to seek

KOs out. We don't have strong boundaries, we are quick to forgive the

unforgiveable, and we can be easily cowed/manipulated. Until we start to get

stronger, that is!!!

I've been NC for about a year and a half now. Interestingly, BP turned up

several times in my circle of friends. I just never quite saw it before. All

of those friends have since gone away.

Now? No BP/NP in my circle of friends. Its so much better that way. And I

feel like I'm finally able to be my true self.

Better yet, I can smell BP a MILE away now. And run away every time. They seem

to know when you won't play their reindeer games. And they seem to intuitively

know when you are on to them. And they run away from you, too!

Hope this helps. Keep on your healing path--I know it will get better with each

passing step!

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I recently met this woman... we started to have a pretty good friendship but

for some reason, some of the things she did REALLY got under my skin. She was

pretty narcissistic and self-centered but I decided to over-look it. It was one

of those things where I came away saying, " Man, she really reminds me of

someone... OH! MY BPD MOTHER! " We had this huge blow-up fight and I spent the

rest of the evening screaming and beating up the trees in the backyard... I was

SO pissed. Not really at her... I realized I was so mad at nada... and so mad

at myself for not seeing it earlier... and so mad at myself for finding myself

in another abusive/unhealthy relationship.

> I am really striving to be around " safe " people and to BE a safe person...

> Am I a glutton for punishment? Any advice or thoughts?!

>

[Guest guest]

> I've been NC for about a year and a half now. Interestingly, BP turned up

several times in my circle of friends. I just never quite saw it before. All

of those friends have since gone away.

Karla, how did all of those friends just " go away " ? One thing that has led to

me becoming more isolationist as I've gotten rid of these types of people in my

life is that they don't go easy. They don't go voluntarily. They don't take

hints, and it is painful and drawn out with each of them. It makes the cost in

my mind of starting a potential friendship very high because I know if they turn

out to be BP/NP I'm going to have bought myself a new seriously stressful

situation. Once they get in they don't want to get out....I think there's some

kind of roach repellent commercial with that theme.

[Guest guest]

I love that paragraph, it's so true about not having strong (or any) boundaries,

or being able to forgive the unforgiveable. That is so-called 'co-dependency' in

a nutshell...that may be the most apt description I have ever read. I really

don't like that word because I feel Like KO's need our own word, co-dependent is

really about the addict and their addiction...it's amazing to me you just

described the entire syndrome in one sentence. Well done.

> >

> > I recently met this woman... we started to have a pretty good friendship but

for some reason, some of the things she did REALLY got under my skin. She was

pretty narcissistic and self-centered but I decided to over-look it. It was one

of those things where I came away saying, " Man, she really reminds me of

someone... OH! MY BPD MOTHER! " We had this huge blow-up fight and I spent the

rest of the evening screaming and beating up the trees in the backyard... I was

SO pissed. Not really at her... I realized I was so mad at nada... and so mad

at myself for not seeing it earlier... and so mad at myself for finding myself

in another abusive/unhealthy relationship.

> > I am really striving to be around " safe " people and to BE a safe person...

> > Am I a glutton for punishment? Any advice or thoughts?!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can definitely relate to this problem! I similarly had a " weird " feeling about

certain friends that I couldn't pinpoint. My therapist finally pointed out that

some of my friends have many traits that are similar to my nada and the

lightbulb went off.

I would definitely recommend the book Codependent No More- I hadn't labeled this

behavior as " codependent " because I am quite independent. Codependency is not

necessarily what is sounds like and I'd encourage you to look through a

checklist on it. It has more to do with being taught to care for others, ignore

our feelings and emotions, and not talk about the problems we were raised with.

As far as getting rid of these BPD friends, as many of you have alluded to, it's

a painful process. I recently made a list of all these people in my life- when I

met them, how much of them I was trying to help/fix (their entire personality or

a single problem), how fast I caught onto their dysfunction and whether or not

we have since been able to maintain a friendship. It is a very interesting

process and not as intuitive as you may think. For instance, I only did this

once in college and got tired of it very fast. My biggest problem was when I

returned home for graduate school. I again began caring for nada and falling

back into those behaviors and ended up with SIX BPD friends who had to be cut

out along the way. The good news is, I can see that since I've moved away I also

put up with a lot less. I have caught on much more quickly and if I end up with

BPD-like friends, there is usually just one problem they rely on me for. I have

been able to tell them that I am not helping them through that issue (most of

them on moral grounds) and we are sometimes able to continue a friendship.

Sometimes that angers them and they go running but that's fine, that's their

choice. And it really elucidates what they wanted from the friendship. As all

KO, I have felt guilty cutting these people out/saying that I won't help them

with a problem- but you have to remember how much we've been through. Of anyone,

we certainly do not deserve to put up with this group of people even if we are

the few who *can.

>

> > I've been NC for about a year and a half now. Interestingly, BP turned up

several times in my circle of friends. I just never quite saw it before. All

of those friends have since gone away.

>

> Karla, how did all of those friends just " go away " ? One thing that has led to

me becoming more isolationist as I've gotten rid of these types of people in my

life is that they don't go easy. They don't go voluntarily. They don't take

hints, and it is painful and drawn out with each of them. It makes the cost in

my mind of starting a potential friendship very high because I know if they turn

out to be BP/NP I'm going to have bought myself a new seriously stressful

situation. Once they get in they don't want to get out....I think there's some

kind of roach repellent commercial with that theme.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Since setting boundries, learning of BPD and trying to attract safe people I

have become very judgemental and over protective. I have taken the other stance

now where I don't let anyone in and always on the lookout for someone's faults

and trying to keep new friendships away as I am scared because they are hard to

get out of your life when you realise here I go again.

I am in a wonderful place at the moment but worried because I am so afraid of

anyone harming all my hard work. It seems easier to not to make new friendships

then have them turn out bad. I too attract unhealthy ones.

This causes problems in my marriage as I am always running people down and being

on high alert. It has stopped my husband and myself from socialising because I

am not bothered and have too much of a wall up.

Generally I am right about the people and don't feel they are the company I want

to keep. Everyone is different and once I use to be able to accept that and

socialise but now I can't do that as it is harder to ignore the dysfunctional

behaviour.

I feel okay about being more selective but my husband is having a hard time with

the new me. I use to be everyone's friend and loved to socialise.

Kazam x

> >

> > > I've been NC for about a year and a half now. Interestingly, BP turned up

several times in my circle of friends. I just never quite saw it before. All

of those friends have since gone away.

> >

> > Karla, how did all of those friends just " go away " ? One thing that has led

to me becoming more isolationist as I've gotten rid of these types of people in

my life is that they don't go easy. They don't go voluntarily. They don't take

hints, and it is painful and drawn out with each of them. It makes the cost in

my mind of starting a potential friendship very high because I know if they turn

out to be BP/NP I'm going to have bought myself a new seriously stressful

situation. Once they get in they don't want to get out....I think there's some

kind of roach repellent commercial with that theme.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

--

Good question.

The high NPs just went away once they realized I wasn't " good enough " of a

worshipper. I sent one email, and never heard from her again. (Very close

friend, BTW).

The other BPD (very close friend, BTW) hung up on me and said " I'm done " when I

told her I was hurt by something she said. I didn't back down, and calmly

insisted my feelings really were hurt. Once she found out I wasn't " perfect, "

she left. I've not heard from her since.

Maybe this is too easy? It seems that the more I got strong in myself, the more

they got uncomfortable. I think they all intuitively knew I wasn't going to

change. They seemed more repelled by me than I by them.

Having said that, I feel like I'm missing something here. You may very well

have a different personality type in the mix. My situation may not be like

yours.

My ex-husband was an ENTIRELY differnt story. It took 3 years of telling him

very clearly " go away and don't call me, come by, try to show up where I am by

accident, etc. " before he went away. And, even now, he will still try needle in

sometimes.

Did that help? I'm not sure that was relevant.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> > I've been NC for about a year and a half now. Interestingly, BP turned up

several times in my circle of friends. I just never quite saw it before. All

of those friends have since gone away.

>

> Karla, how did all of those friends just " go away " ? One thing that has led to

me becoming more isolationist as I've gotten rid of these types of people in my

life is that they don't go easy. They don't go voluntarily. They don't take

hints, and it is painful and drawn out with each of them. It makes the cost in

my mind of starting a potential friendship very high because I know if they turn

out to be BP/NP I'm going to have bought myself a new seriously stressful

situation. Once they get in they don't want to get out....I think there's some

kind of roach repellent commercial with that theme.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kazam--

It sounds like you are feeling trapped between critical safety needs and social

needs. Which is an awful place. Please know I sympathize and empathize! I'm

so sorry you have to fight with this dynamic. You have so much to offer in the

way of insights and friendship, and I know the right kind of friends would

treasure you.

Just a couple of thoughts for your consideration, should they be helpful and/or

relevant:

Do you have a place of complete safety within yourself? When I had deep safety

needs (unsafe people around me, unsafe situations I was trying to get out of) I

started the discipline of creating a safe place within myself. That meant, for

a few minutes, I would let myself think whatever I wanted and feel whatever I

wanted with no internal condemnation, questioning, fixing, scolding, arguing or

whatever. It may sound silly, but it really helped me 1) know what true

accepting safety feels like and 2) helped me discern when I wasn't being treated

safely by other people.

The more I could allow myself complete safety and kindness and acceptance (okay,

I had to force myself sometimes) the stronger I became. And the stronger my own

safe place became, the easier it was to reach out and make new friends. I found

that if I had a strong place of safety within myself, it was easier to take the

risk of befriending others. With discernment, of course. When my life was

steeped in unsafe people, trying to force myself to be open enough to create a

new relationship was a ridiculous expectation--it was like blood from a turnip.

You said you used to be a very social person. Could depression be a factor?

When depression snuck up on me (I didn't feel sad, I just shut down) I wasn't

able to be anything but hypervigilent with other people. I simply had nothing

else to give.

Finally, have you recently gone through a situation that felt very unsafe? I

have a girlfriend who has a sick mom. She grew up with a great deal of

unstability, like us. When her mom goes through a crisis, my girlfriend's

hypervigilence goes off the charts. It's tough for her to reel that back in,

and she isn't even aware of what's going on inside of her. It usually takes one

of us to say: " the crisis is over now, remember? Do what you can to let mom go

again and be okay. " She then kinds of wakes up starts the process of getting

back down to " normal " vigilence.

No matter what, take care of yourself. You've always helped me tremendously in

these discussions, and I hope only the best for you.

Blessings,

> > >

> > > > I've been NC for about a year and a half now. Interestingly, BP turned

up several times in my circle of friends. I just never quite saw it before.

All of those friends have since gone away.

> > >

> > > Karla, how did all of those friends just " go away " ? One thing that has

led to me becoming more isolationist as I've gotten rid of these types of people

in my life is that they don't go easy. They don't go voluntarily. They don't

take hints, and it is painful and drawn out with each of them. It makes the

cost in my mind of starting a potential friendship very high because I know if

they turn out to be BP/NP I'm going to have bought myself a new seriously

stressful situation. Once they get in they don't want to get out....I think

there's some kind of roach repellent commercial with that theme.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Karla,

I know I will get there it is just my self-preservation mode and I like the

stronger me but I'm hoping it is just another stage that I will work through.

Hopefully the guard will come down when I am ready for the next stage to let

others in. Just part of the healing process.

I have got rid of alot of friendships that were toxic. I have still got friends

that even though I don't agree with their life choices I still except them as I

know they would do anything for me.

I am just trying being over protective of my husband and daughter and who we

allow into our lives. It doesn't bother me but bothers them. I seem to be more

aware of people now and trying to control their lives and their friendships.

I have suffered from depression in the past and I know it is not that. The

reason I know this is because I enjoy my business and clients and because I can

see up to 30 people a day I feel the difference in each ones energy and how I

can laugh and love being with some. Others I try but just feel prickles all over

and want them out of my space. I also have trouble working with particular girls

and no others. The only thing I realise is because of learning of BPD I

understand the dynamics and triggers.

Working on myself has lead to alot of awareness and sometimes this is difficult

in social situations.

I still love going out being social with familiar freinds but I am soooooooo

much more guarded and on the look out for DANGER alerts with new comers which is

very draining.

Kazam x

> > > >

> > > > > I've been NC for about a year and a half now. Interestingly, BP

turned up several times in my circle of friends. I just never quite saw it

before. All of those friends have since gone away.

> > > >

> > > > Karla, how did all of those friends just " go away " ? One thing that has

led to me becoming more isolationist as I've gotten rid of these types of people

in my life is that they don't go easy. They don't go voluntarily. They don't

take hints, and it is painful and drawn out with each of them. It makes the

cost in my mind of starting a potential friendship very high because I know if

they turn out to be BP/NP I'm going to have bought myself a new seriously

stressful situation. Once they get in they don't want to get out....I think

there's some kind of roach repellent commercial with that theme.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kazam--

Please forgive my advice-laden post--I re-read it and realized I went to far. I

should have just validated instead of advised! It sounds like you are right

where you should be--processing through.

I'm an over-the-top extrovert, and the thought of seeing THIRTY clients a day

makes me wilt. Wow is that a lot of folks!!

We should all be so good at honoring our place, no matter where we are. Sounds

like this is just one more step in your significant healing process.

Good for you.

Blessings,

Karla

> > > > >

> > > > > > I've been NC for about a year and a half now. Interestingly, BP

turned up several times in my circle of friends. I just never quite saw it

before. All of those friends have since gone away.

> > > > >

> > > > > Karla, how did all of those friends just " go away " ? One thing that

has led to me becoming more isolationist as I've gotten rid of these types of

people in my life is that they don't go easy. They don't go voluntarily. They

don't take hints, and it is painful and drawn out with each of them. It makes

the cost in my mind of starting a potential friendship very high because I know

if they turn out to be BP/NP I'm going to have bought myself a new seriously

stressful situation. Once they get in they don't want to get out....I think

there's some kind of roach repellent commercial with that theme.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>