Re: Even on her deathbed her BPD shines through

[Guest guest]

Mozz--I hear you loud and clear!

If you need a break, you have my permission. She can die just fine without you.

(oops--was that too harsh?)

I have no words, other than GAH!!!

It's not you. You are a far better daughter than most (KO or not) for sticking

it out thus far.

Hang in there--we've got your back.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only have a

few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's house, 3.5

hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per minute at that

time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love her and forgive

her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here. but that b*$^ & is

still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and I have been taking

turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's not suffering. (you

know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her morphine etc.) Her body

is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I personally believe it's her

spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because she's scared. She has told me

many times she's scared to die. I told her it was OK, that her sins are

forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just like nada to linger on b/c she

has never been brave. I know I sound horrible, but I don't now how much longer I

can do this. I am exhausted, 15w pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy.

I miss my baby girl at home. Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me

today so that will make it easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I

am so ANGRY with nada. She has made this whole process a nightmare before she

was actually sick. I have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know

I am being selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I

truly believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful and

for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings of good

will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that makes me a

bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end. It's just like her

to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's still hanging on. It's my

turn to sit with her but I just can't right now. Thanks for listening, I really

needed to vent.

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz, I hear you too. My mother died in 2007. It sounds like she's close to

death. When she dies, I'm sure you'll have a lot of different emotions. I know I

did. Keep venting because it helps get you through!!

Re: Even on her deathbed her BPD shines through

Mozz--I hear you loud and clear!

If you need a break, you have my permission. She can die just fine without you.

(oops--was that too harsh?)

I have no words, other than GAH!!!

It's not you. You are a far better daughter than most (KO or not) for sticking

it out thus far.

Hang in there--we've got your back.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only have a

few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's house, 3.5

hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per minute at that

time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love her and forgive

her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here. but that b*$^ & is

still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and I have been taking

turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's not suffering. (you

know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her morphine etc.) Her body

is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I personally believe it's her

spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because she's scared. She has told me

many times she's scared to die. I told her it was OK, that her sins are

forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just like nada to linger on b/c she

has never been brave. I know I sound horrible, but I don't now how much longer I

can do this. I am exhausted, 15w pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy.

I miss my baby girl at home. Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me

today so that will make it easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I

am so ANGRY with nada. She has made this whole process a nightmare before she

was actually sick. I have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know

I am being selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I

truly believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful and

for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings of good

will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that makes me a

bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end. It's just like her

to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's still hanging on. It's my

turn to sit with her but I just can't right now. Thanks for listening, I really

needed to vent.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Karla, I needed that. =)

> >

> > I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only have a

few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's house, 3.5

hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per minute at that

time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love her and forgive

her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here. but that b*$^ & is

still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and I have been taking

turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's not suffering. (you

know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her morphine etc.) Her body

is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I personally believe it's her

spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because she's scared. She has told me

many times she's scared to die. I told her it was OK, that her sins are

forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just like nada to linger on b/c she

has never been brave. I know I sound horrible, but I don't now how much longer I

can do this. I am exhausted, 15w pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy.

I miss my baby girl at home. Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me

today so that will make it easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I

am so ANGRY with nada. She has made this whole process a nightmare before she

was actually sick. I have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know

I am being selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I

truly believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful and

for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings of good

will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that makes me a

bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end. It's just like her

to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's still hanging on. It's my

turn to sit with her but I just can't right now. Thanks for listening, I really

needed to vent.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz,

Feeling the way you do now does not make you a bad person.

You've had to put up with her abuse all your life. Of course you

don't suddenly feel good about her just because she's dying.

Besides, I don't think that wishing for someone to die

peacefully and quickly end their suffering is a bad thing by the

time they get to the condition she's in. Prolonged deaths like

this aren't a good thing for anyone. I hope it is over soon, for

everyone's sake.

At 10:53 AM 07/01/2010 mozzarella27 wrote:

>I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a

>call from a Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying

>and that she may only have a few hours left. So I dropped

>everything and left from work to nada's house, 3.5 hours away.

>She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per minute at

>that time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I

>love her and forgive her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for

>being cold here. but that b*$^ & is still alive and it's

>freaking Thursday. The caretaker and I have been taking turns

>with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's not

>suffering. (you know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving

>her her morphine etc.) Her body is obviously done. WHY is she

>still hanging on? I personally believe it's her spirit fighting

>the death tooth and nail because she's scared. She has told me

>many times she's scared to die. I told her it was OK, that her

>sins are forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just like

>nada to linger on b/c she has never been brave. I know I sound

>horrible, but I don't now how much longer I can do this. I am

>exhausted, 15w pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy.

>I miss my baby girl at home. Luckily, she and my husband will

>be joining me today so that will make it easier for me. I know

>it's only been a few days but I am so ANGRY with nada. She has

>made this whole process a nightmare before she was actually

>sick. I have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I

>know I am being selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know

>what, when she dies I truly believe she will be at peace for

>the 1st time in her entire life. Please*just*die*already.

>Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful and for that

>I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings

>of good will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada

>again. Maybe that makes me a bad person. But I am just being

>honest. I am at my wit's end. It's just like her to drag this

>out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's still hanging on. It's

>my turn to sit with her but I just can't right now. Thanks for

>listening, I really needed to vent.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

this is exactly what my nada will do too...hang on and on and on and

on....she's probably doing it to torture you some more...get in all she can

!!

Jackie

I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only

have a few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's

house, 3.5 hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per

minute at that time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love

her and forgive her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here.

but that b*$^ & is still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and

I have been taking turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's

not suffering. (you know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her

morphine etc.) Her body is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I

personally believe it's her spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because

she's scared. She has told me many times she's scared to die. I told her it

was OK, that her sins are forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just

like nada to linger on b/c she has never been brave. I know I sound

horrible, but I don't now how much longer I can do this. I am exhausted, 15w

pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy. I miss my baby girl at home.

Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me today so that will make it

easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I am so ANGRY with nada.

She has made this whole process a nightmare before she was actually sick. I

have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know I am being

selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I truly

believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful

and for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings

of good will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that

makes me a bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end.

It's just like her to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's

still hanging on. It's my turn to sit with her but I just can't right now.

Thanks for listening, I really needed to vent.

[Guest guest]

it reminds me of my mother-in-law. she will live to be 200 years old.

she's probably doing it to torture you some more...get in all she

Re: Even on her deathbed her BPD shines through

this is exactly what my nada will do too...hang on and on and on and

on....she's probably doing it to torture you some more...get in all she can

!!

Jackie

I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only

have a few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's

house, 3.5 hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per

minute at that time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love

her and forgive her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here.

but that b*$^ & is still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and

I have been taking turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's

not suffering. (you know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her

morphine etc.) Her body is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I

personally believe it's her spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because

she's scared. She has told me many times she's scared to die. I told her it

was OK, that her sins are forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just

like nada to linger on b/c she has never been brave. I know I sound

horrible, but I don't now how much longer I can do this. I am exhausted, 15w

pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy. I miss my baby girl at home.

Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me today so that will make it

easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I am so ANGRY with nada.

She has made this whole process a nightmare before she was actually sick. I

have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know I am being

selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I truly

believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful

and for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings

of good will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that

makes me a bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end.

It's just like her to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's

still hanging on. It's my turn to sit with her but I just can't right now.

Thanks for listening, I really needed to vent.

[Guest guest]

I've heard and seen in my own family too that people often die in the moment

that they are alone. When family steps out of the room for a minute. I'm not

saying you or the nurse should leave her unattended for a dangerous time, but if

someone is literally by her bed 24 hours a day maybe she feels she should stay?

Just a thought.

Sorry things are so hard Mozz...Hugs.

> >

> > I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only have a

few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's house, 3.5

hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per minute at that

time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love her and forgive

her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here. but that b*$^ & is

still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and I have been taking

turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's not suffering. (you

know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her morphine etc.) Her body

is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I personally believe it's her

spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because she's scared. She has told me

many times she's scared to die. I told her it was OK, that her sins are

forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just like nada to linger on b/c she

has never been brave. I know I sound horrible, but I don't now how much longer I

can do this. I am exhausted, 15w pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy.

I miss my baby girl at home. Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me

today so that will make it easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I

am so ANGRY with nada. She has made this whole process a nightmare before she

was actually sick. I have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know

I am being selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I

truly believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful and

for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings of good

will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that makes me a

bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end. It's just like her

to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's still hanging on. It's my

turn to sit with her but I just can't right now. Thanks for listening, I really

needed to vent.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I tried that but thanks so much for the thought. I am getting angrier and

angrier. It's just like her to make everything as difficult as possible. It's so

nice to be able to voice these thoughts- if someone who didn't understand BPD

read this they would be horrified.

> > >

> > > I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only have a

few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's house, 3.5

hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per minute at that

time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love her and forgive

her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here. but that b*$^ & is

still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and I have been taking

turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's not suffering. (you

know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her morphine etc.) Her body

is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I personally believe it's her

spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because she's scared. She has told me

many times she's scared to die. I told her it was OK, that her sins are

forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just like nada to linger on b/c she

has never been brave. I know I sound horrible, but I don't now how much longer I

can do this. I am exhausted, 15w pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy.

I miss my baby girl at home. Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me

today so that will make it easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I

am so ANGRY with nada. She has made this whole process a nightmare before she

was actually sick. I have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know

I am being selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I

truly believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful and

for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings of good

will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that makes me a

bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end. It's just like her

to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's still hanging on. It's my

turn to sit with her but I just can't right now. Thanks for listening, I really

needed to vent.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

this is EXACTLY what my grandmother did. they know they are ready to leave and

they don't want to be revived or maybe they don't want to trouble anyone (though

maybe the bpd's don't think this way, lol, my grandmother wasn't one). Hospice

said that she would be passing soon the night before, and my father was there

with her all morning, he stepped outside to start the car to go get my aunt who

lived up the hill to bring her over. He came back inside to sit with her while

the car was warming up, and she had passed.

> > >

> > > I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only have a

few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's house, 3.5

hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per minute at that

time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love her and forgive

her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here. but that b*$^ & is

still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and I have been taking

turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's not suffering. (you

know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her morphine etc.) Her body

is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I personally believe it's her

spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because she's scared. She has told me

many times she's scared to die. I told her it was OK, that her sins are

forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just like nada to linger on b/c she

has never been brave. I know I sound horrible, but I don't now how much longer I

can do this. I am exhausted, 15w pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy.

I miss my baby girl at home. Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me

today so that will make it easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I

am so ANGRY with nada. She has made this whole process a nightmare before she

was actually sick. I have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know

I am being selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I

truly believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful and

for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings of good

will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that makes me a

bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end. It's just like her

to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's still hanging on. It's my

turn to sit with her but I just can't right now. Thanks for listening, I really

needed to vent.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mozzarella,

You are not a bad person. I can imagine having similar feelings and

reactions if I am ever in your situation. My nada has been slowly dying over

a number of years and has seemed to be approaching death several times, but

has never been as close to death as your nada is - she is still well enough

to rally and function at least to some degree. I have thought/wished many

times that she would go sooner rather than later and quicker than has been

the case. I can so imagine her hanging on beyond anyone medical person's

expectations when the end does eventually come - and I'm sure I would be

angry too.

I'm glad your husband and daughter will be joining you.

Peace,

MY

>

>

> I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

> Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only

> have a few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's

> house, 3.5 hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per

> minute at that time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love

> her and forgive her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here.

> but that b*$^ & is still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and

> I have been taking turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's

> not suffering. (you know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her

> morphine etc.) Her body is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I

> personally believe it's her spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because

> she's scared. She has told me many times she's scared to die. I told her it

> was OK, that her sins are forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just

> like nada to linger on b/c she has never been brave. I know I sound

> horrible, but I don't now how much longer I can do this. I am exhausted, 15w

> pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy. I miss my baby girl at home.

> Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me today so that will make it

> easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I am so ANGRY with nada.

> She has made this whole process a nightmare before she was actually sick. I

> have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know I am being

> selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I truly

> believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

> Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful

> and for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings

> of good will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that

> makes me a bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end.

> It's just like her to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's

> still hanging on. It's my turn to sit with her but I just can't right now.

> Thanks for listening, I really needed to vent.

>

>

>