Re: Can Anyone Help Figure Out This Mystery Man for Me?--Trust you Gut

[Guest guest]

Hi Libra and esp. Fireflies, and everyone--I am having a similar problem today

that is really troubling me. It's also a difficult position with a guy who was

briefly a potential partner but turned out to be overbearing and is making me

feel extremely uncomfortable.

I'm sorry Libra, I'm going to veer off into my own horror story now but before I

do I want to sympathize at how difficult and humiliating and frightening it can

be, as KOs, in our culture, to try to get to know men in their 50s romantically!

My own nada was and is absolutely obsessed with trying to convince me I was

'undesirable', somehow not a 'real' woman, from the day I was born, and I know

that's not helping the current situation.

So, there's a guy I've been working with, long distance, in a professional

capacity, as a colleague. I've never met him in person but we've done some

pretty good and lucrative projects together, and are comitted now to do some

more. He is good for my career and there's no question about that. I am also

stuck with him on a couple of projects for the next several months.

Well, my 'creepy' bell went off immediately, with this guy, even when we first

started thinking about working together. Because of that, I was cautious, but

after assessment decided that it was worth it to start the projects, and told

myself he wasn't really creepy after all.

Then, for a very brief, fleeting day or two, I thought maybe I might be

interested in looking into a romantic connection, if we were ever to meet in

person. I sent some very tentative signals, such as telling him of my daily

activity once or twice and sharing a recent death in my family. However when we

had a 'personal' phone conversation in a lead up to the professional matters, I

immediately saw that I was not interested at all, and my creepy vibe was very

re-affirmed. However I was so not used to trusting myself that I thought I

might be confused--thought I might be 'triggered' back to the inappropriate

behaviour of my own parents--and so, although I did NOT ask to see him or

anything like that, I did not withdraw completely from all personal information

as I should have. My gut, and my mind, were not yet matched up.

A few days later, both aspects came into harmony. I realized, it was NOT that I

was being 'triggered'--though I was in addition to the creep out--but the main

problem was that I had been right all along, there WAS something creepy about

him to me on a personal level (to work with he is GREAT but personally he makes

me very uncomfortable.) My problem was that I had not listened to myself

enough. I had not honored my feelings. In the leadup to this understanding I

was terrified and uncomfortable, heavily triggered, stopped exercising, drank

WAY too much, let my household errands slide, etc. I was basically in full

avoidance mode. I was frightened.

Then this morning, it all came together, and I realized it was OK to trust

myself, and that I would fully pull back from all personal style communications.

There had been no dates planned or anything like that--just some emails about

what we were eating for dinner and that sortof thing. So I figured I'd be ok.

I felt so relieved that I had figured out what was happening, peaceful that I

could trust myself. I know it might sound crazy, but before I figured out it

was ok to honor my impressions, I was actually feeling pressure to become

physically involved with this man against my will. Even though he is thousands

of miles away, the fear and pressure still felt very real. But when I realized

I was going to honor myself, and BELIVE myself that he was creepy (on a personal

level, not professional), I felt much better.

And then my impression verified itself twenty fold. Today he sent me two very

invasive messages, asking about my sleep and referencing my bed times, and

suggesting romantic activities. And it was not in rhythm. It was an invasion,

and it was NOT appropriate, considering we are working together. I felt

attacked and frightened all over again--and a little trapped, because he is such

a lucrative partner in the business world and I do not want to offend him.

I am traumitized. I feel molested even though we haven't touched. I feel

frightened and worried about what to do next. It doesn't help that a friend

who's usually supportive just sent me an accusational lecturing email instead.

I did indeed tell this guy a little about my personal life, and a little about

what I was doing throughout the days--but I had NEVER indicated any physical

interest in him, nor had I asked to see him in any romantic capacity.

Oh my God. This has really freaked me out today. It is such an invasive,

horrible experience. It IS good--very good--to verify that my creepy meter

works, and to remind myself how important it is to honor my own instincts. This

guy might not be creepy to someone who is very attracted to him--but I am

NOT--he might not be creepy to someone who is more okay with having men pursue

them physically--but at this stage I am NOT, I am recovering from a bad

relationship and all that went down with nada and fada...UGH!!! Apologies for

the long message. This has really been a difficult experience for me. Any

input would be greatly appreciated.

Best,

Charlie H

>

> If you are having red flags in the FIRST conversation-RUN!!!! As KOs we are

used to ignoring the WARNING BELL that goes off in our head and gut. Listen to

your gut. You are right. You can sense it or you wouldn't have posted your

question, right?

> ((((hugs))))

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