Re: Difficulty keeping resolve and setting boundaries

July 1, 2010

Lynda,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I believe I am a very gentle, warm and

compassionate person (most of the time!) so to put up boundaries and set limits

is like going against our very nature. I have only just begun to understand the

whole setting boundaries thing. I know I have put up many, many walls to try and

protect myself but I'm thinking maybe boundaries are a more healthy type of

wall, whatever that means? Maybe it takes baby steps and practice every day. I

saw my mother last night for the first time in 3 weeks after I left a letter on

her kitchen table. She finally apologized last week for calling me a F-ing

B**** after my father begged her to and her excuse was well her parents were

messed up and so is she. I did like you, I didn't say that's okay and

everything's alright. all I said was ok. So I guess she thinks that gets her off

the hook... So last night was interesting. I was tired and vulnerable but I kept

the conversation very simple and cut her off before she could get into anything.

I was proud for a moment but then after everybody left I cried and felt sorry

for myself again...I don't know, I've still got a lot to learn and heal...

I have often wondered, why does she hate me so much?? what did I do to her? and

I ask my relatives that and we all come up with the same answer...NOTHING! she

hates herself and my guess is I remind her of herself and my father...I guess

that is projection? anyway, what I am getting at is what have you done to your

mother??? NOTHING! I can just stand there and my mother will find fault with

something. I can't breathe right or blink my eyes right. So the same with you.

Are you actually causing her pain, because I know I am not intentionally trying

to make my mother angry or cause her pain...I don't know, just a few thoughts

for you...

Blessings,

>

> I have been writing about being in a new place in my interactions with my mum

after her most recent angry outburst. Recently I wrote to her to tell her that I

loved her very much but felt that she needed to get help with her anger and that

I couldn't keep seeing her until she did.

> I guess the reason that it feels like a new place is that I finally believe

wholeheartedly that her well-being is not my responsibility and that disallowing

her to abuse me is beneficial not only for myself, but for her as well. I have

learnt to set boundaries in the last few years, but the cycle of her " blow ups "

has continued and I have never really confronted her as directly about her

behaviour as I have just recently done.

> Unfortunately a lot of what I'm still feeling doesn't feel new at all. The

continual worry at the back of my mind, the continual sadness that things aren't

different and the continual inner dialogue questioning whether or not I really

am the horrible selfish person that she says that I am-perhaps I was somehow the

cause of her angry tirade?!

> It has been a few weeks since I have seen her and in that time I have had some

very nice, loving text messages from her and some tearful phone calls, both to

myself and my partner. The first phone conversation that I had with her, she

apologised and then started making excuses- she is so sick and in desperate need

of love, she has lost so much weight, her body is breaking down on her etc, etc.

I would normally have gone along with the excuses, but I stayed very strong in

communicating that there was absolutely NO excuse for the behaviour, that you

simply cannot behave like that under ANY circumstances.

> Upon reflection, I started feeling quite bad that I didn't have the grace to

accept her apology (a big step for her), though I did thank her for it, I just

couldn't soften and say that everything was ok.

> It didn't help that I went to a friend's father's funeral the next day and was

very moved by the sentiment of life being short, to live with an open heart, to

forgive and let go of anger etc. I try to live by these principles in my life

and so these words resonated.

> I phoned her the next day and left a message saying that I hoped she had a

good day and that I hoped to catch up with her during the week.

> Well, the week rolled on and I just couldn't face seeing her. It is so hard to

say, but I just don't feel like having her anywhere near me at the moment and

I'm also really unsure how to handle seeing her again. All of her behaviour just

feels so manipulative. I cancelled meeting her and have suggested going out for

a cuppa over the weekend.

> I must admit I'm feeling nervous. I just don't know where to from here.

> All of the advice I have been given about seeing her again is to keep really

strong, consistent boundaries and I know it's the right advice, but the coldness

of that feels heartbreaking to me and I don't know if I can do it. It feels like

I have to harden my heart and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

> I also don't know how to frame the boundaries at all. When things are

seemingly fine, our relationship has an intense closeness to it (only

child/single mum) which on the one hand has always felt uncomfortable as it is

so overbearing and I'm always waiting for things to turn. But on the other hand,

there is a certain degree of fondness and comfort in familiarity and it is so

easy to slip back into because mum has this amazing soft, gentle, caring side.

> I guess my quandary is how to set boundaries to protect myself without

compromising a sense of humility and compassion.

> Oh how I would love to share an uncomplicated cuppa and scone with my mother.

But alas it isn't to be!

> I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advice.

>

> Thanks for reading.

> With warmth,

> Lynda

>

July 2, 2010

Thanks heaps for replying , I really appreciate your thoughts.

I think you're right with the baby steps analogy. Even the big breakthroughs I

have at times feel like tiny steps forward. Each time I feel stronger and deal

with this in a new way, all of the old emotions come flooding back and I am

thrown into utter confusion,sadness, worry, self-doubt etc time and time again.

It sounds like you have kept very strong in setting your boundaries and I think

you should feel very proud. I also don't think you should feel at all down on

yourself for crying afterwards. It is not easy. This is your mum and regardless

of the way they treat us that fact still remains. Regardless of the strength and

resolve that we muster to deal with them, the sadness and the hurt is just so

difficult to deal with (I am being presumptuous here, I just know that is how it

is for me).

It is especially difficult if you are a kind, caring and reflective person,

which it sounds like you are and that is something else that you should proud

of. I'm glad that you have come to understand that you have done nothing wrong.

I spent nearly all of my twenties in self doubt about this. Partly because mum's

recollections of events were so skewed, I would become utterly perplexed and

start to doubt my own perceptions and partly because she always presented her

behaviour in the framework of being either a reaction to her great need for love

or her advocating for someone in great need. Either way it was always a result

of her loving, kind thoughtful, generous and poorly done by self. I don't know

if I explained that very well, it's quite a hard task!!

Anyway, I try to be self-reflective and I know I'm not perfect so I have always

been willing to consider my role in the relationship and I was always left

thinking that perhaps if I hadn't said something in a certain way, or if I has

been more thoughtful or hadn't reacted to her the way I did, then she wouldn't

be angry. Perhaps I was selfish, mean and horrible after all!

Anyway, after years of soul searching, talking to friends of a more balanced

variety and various councillors, I came to really understand that I was not

the cause of this erratic behaviour and that I certainly wasn't responsible for

my mum's happiness (or unhappiness) and well-being.

I can remember being plagued with guilt since I moved out of home a s a

teenager, because I had left her and she was in such great need.

Now I think of it, she has always been in such great need!

I can remember visits back home throughout my twenties where I was continually

guilted into staying home with her rather than going out with my friends,

because of her bad heart (a mysterious complaint!), stress at work etc, etc. If

I was ever allowed to spend time with others, it was reflective of her lovely

generous self sharing me with others. She still refers to me as being hers and

even grabs my bum all the time, which infuriates me. She just laughs and says

that I need to relax and that she is her and she's not going to change.

When I had my first baby recently, I had some visitors from my partners family

and she came and sat on the bed right next to me in between me and them and kept

kissing me and saying that I was hers.

So again a lot of her pushing boundaries stuff is presented in the guise of her

being loving and then I'm horrible, mean and nasty for rejecting her love. Then

I feel bad because I get uptight and feel like I should be more loving and open

hearted. Grrrrr! (sorry, I got a bit off track. That was a bit of an outburst!)

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is stay strong in your knowledge that it

isn't your fault and in setting your boundaries.

I, like you have a lot to learn and a lot of healing to do. It sounds like you

are doing an amazing job coping with it all. Like you said, baby steps. I wish

you all the best for your journey and healing.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

With warmth,

Lynda

> >

> > I have been writing about being in a new place in my interactions with my

mum after her most recent angry outburst. Recently I wrote to her to tell her

that I loved her very much but felt that she needed to get help with her anger

and that I couldn't keep seeing her until she did.

> > I guess the reason that it feels like a new place is that I finally believe

wholeheartedly that her well-being is not my responsibility and that disallowing

her to abuse me is beneficial not only for myself, but for her as well. I have

learnt to set boundaries in the last few years, but the cycle of her " blow ups "

has continued and I have never really confronted her as directly about her

behaviour as I have just recently done.

> > Unfortunately a lot of what I'm still feeling doesn't feel new at all. The

continual worry at the back of my mind, the continual sadness that things aren't

different and the continual inner dialogue questioning whether or not I really

am the horrible selfish person that she says that I am-perhaps I was somehow the

cause of her angry tirade?!

> > It has been a few weeks since I have seen her and in that time I have had

some very nice, loving text messages from her and some tearful phone calls, both

to myself and my partner. The first phone conversation that I had with her, she

apologised and then started making excuses- she is so sick and in desperate need

of love, she has lost so much weight, her body is breaking down on her etc, etc.

I would normally have gone along with the excuses, but I stayed very strong in

communicating that there was absolutely NO excuse for the behaviour, that you

simply cannot behave like that under ANY circumstances.

> > Upon reflection, I started feeling quite bad that I didn't have the grace to

accept her apology (a big step for her), though I did thank her for it, I just

couldn't soften and say that everything was ok.

> > It didn't help that I went to a friend's father's funeral the next day and

was very moved by the sentiment of life being short, to live with an open heart,

to forgive and let go of anger etc. I try to live by these principles in my life

and so these words resonated.

> > I phoned her the next day and left a message saying that I hoped she had a

good day and that I hoped to catch up with her during the week.

> > Well, the week rolled on and I just couldn't face seeing her. It is so hard

to say, but I just don't feel like having her anywhere near me at the moment and

I'm also really unsure how to handle seeing her again. All of her behaviour just

feels so manipulative. I cancelled meeting her and have suggested going out for

a cuppa over the weekend.

> > I must admit I'm feeling nervous. I just don't know where to from here.

> > All of the advice I have been given about seeing her again is to keep really

strong, consistent boundaries and I know it's the right advice, but the coldness

of that feels heartbreaking to me and I don't know if I can do it. It feels like

I have to harden my heart and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

> > I also don't know how to frame the boundaries at all. When things are

seemingly fine, our relationship has an intense closeness to it (only

child/single mum) which on the one hand has always felt uncomfortable as it is

so overbearing and I'm always waiting for things to turn. But on the other hand,

there is a certain degree of fondness and comfort in familiarity and it is so

easy to slip back into because mum has this amazing soft, gentle, caring side.

> > I guess my quandary is how to set boundaries to protect myself without

compromising a sense of humility and compassion.

> > Oh how I would love to share an uncomplicated cuppa and scone with my

mother. But alas it isn't to be!

> > I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advice.

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> > With warmth,

> > Lynda

> >

>

July 3, 2010

Hi Lynda,

I guess my best advice would be to give yourself time. Once I figured out my

nada was bpd, I felt a lot of pressure to figure out what I was going to do

about it right away. It always made me feel better when wise advisors here said

I should just take my time. I don't think there is any right or wrong way to

deal with your mother from here forward. I would encourage you to keep working

on figuring out what boundaries are important to you and stand true to your

needs. You deserve happiness.

patinage

July 5, 2010

Thanks heaps for your encouraging words Patinage. It is very wise advice and

really helping me figure out where to next.

Peace to you.

Lynda

>

> Hi Lynda,

>

> I guess my best advice would be to give yourself time. Once I figured out my

nada was bpd, I felt a lot of pressure to figure out what I was going to do

about it right away. It always made me feel better when wise advisors here said

I should just take my time. I don't think there is any right or wrong way to

deal with your mother from here forward. I would encourage you to keep working

on figuring out what boundaries are important to you and stand true to your

needs. You deserve happiness.

>

> patinage

>

July 6, 2010

Thank you Lynda, for your encouraging words. You do seem to be a reflective and

understanding person, perhaps the good thing to come out of having a bpd mother

is that it made us into more wise and compassionate people? I wish you lots of

comfort and strength in your daily 'baby steps' and of course peace of mind,

that is what I work toward every day.

let's keep up the good fight.

Mel

> > >

> > > I have been writing about being in a new place in my interactions with my

mum after her most recent angry outburst. Recently I wrote to her to tell her

that I loved her very much but felt that she needed to get help with her anger

and that I couldn't keep seeing her until she did.

> > > I guess the reason that it feels like a new place is that I finally

believe wholeheartedly that her well-being is not my responsibility and that

disallowing her to abuse me is beneficial not only for myself, but for her as

well. I have learnt to set boundaries in the last few years, but the cycle of

her " blow ups " has continued and I have never really confronted her as directly

about her behaviour as I have just recently done.

> > > Unfortunately a lot of what I'm still feeling doesn't feel new at all. The

continual worry at the back of my mind, the continual sadness that things aren't

different and the continual inner dialogue questioning whether or not I really

am the horrible selfish person that she says that I am-perhaps I was somehow the

cause of her angry tirade?!

> > > It has been a few weeks since I have seen her and in that time I have had

some very nice, loving text messages from her and some tearful phone calls, both

to myself and my partner. The first phone conversation that I had with her, she

apologised and then started making excuses- she is so sick and in desperate need

of love, she has lost so much weight, her body is breaking down on her etc, etc.

I would normally have gone along with the excuses, but I stayed very strong in

communicating that there was absolutely NO excuse for the behaviour, that you

simply cannot behave like that under ANY circumstances.

> > > Upon reflection, I started feeling quite bad that I didn't have the grace

to accept her apology (a big step for her), though I did thank her for it, I

just couldn't soften and say that everything was ok.

> > > It didn't help that I went to a friend's father's funeral the next day and

was very moved by the sentiment of life being short, to live with an open heart,

to forgive and let go of anger etc. I try to live by these principles in my life

and so these words resonated.

> > > I phoned her the next day and left a message saying that I hoped she had a

good day and that I hoped to catch up with her during the week.

> > > Well, the week rolled on and I just couldn't face seeing her. It is so

hard to say, but I just don't feel like having her anywhere near me at the

moment and I'm also really unsure how to handle seeing her again. All of her

behaviour just feels so manipulative. I cancelled meeting her and have suggested

going out for a cuppa over the weekend.

> > > I must admit I'm feeling nervous. I just don't know where to from here.

> > > All of the advice I have been given about seeing her again is to keep

really strong, consistent boundaries and I know it's the right advice, but the

coldness of that feels heartbreaking to me and I don't know if I can do it. It

feels like I have to harden my heart and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

> > > I also don't know how to frame the boundaries at all. When things are

seemingly fine, our relationship has an intense closeness to it (only

child/single mum) which on the one hand has always felt uncomfortable as it is

so overbearing and I'm always waiting for things to turn. But on the other hand,

there is a certain degree of fondness and comfort in familiarity and it is so

easy to slip back into because mum has this amazing soft, gentle, caring side.

> > > I guess my quandary is how to set boundaries to protect myself without

compromising a sense of humility and compassion.

> > > Oh how I would love to share an uncomplicated cuppa and scone with my

mother. But alas it isn't to be!

> > > I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advice.

> > >

> > > Thanks for reading.

> > > With warmth,

> > > Lynda

> > >

> >

>

July 6, 2010

boundaries can be set with love i think.. trouble is when we show our love to

our mums (those of us with nadas, or smothering mums, here) they tend to take

advantage and continue their manipulations. Â i'm not sure whether this coldness

you feel after being so strong in setting boundaries come from a closeness you

actually miss feeling with your mum or you wish you felt with her.. i would

encourage you to continue to follow your desires to set strong boundaries with

her and when she accepts them (or seems to) proceed from there, as your heart

leads you.. by all means if you want that cuppa with her when she has given you

her apology for her outburst and wants to be close, go ahead.. but only if you

really want to. Â trying to manipulate her into being the mother she maybe never

really ever was for you is just as destructive to your relationship as her

trying to manipulate you into being a daughter you were never meant to be..Â

i hope this makes sense and is helpful. Â your wanting love and closeness can

take place alongside boundaries,they are not mutually exclusive i don't think..

and maybe you can find that with your mum and maybe you can find it with someone

else in your life. Â someone who can love you as you are and accept you and your

feelings as they are.. and respect your boundaries too.best wishes, ann

Subject: Difficulty keeping resolve and setting boundaries

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, July 1, 2010, 12:17 AM

Â

I have been writing about being in a new place in my interactions with my

mum after her most recent angry outburst. Recently I wrote to her to tell her

that I loved her very much but felt that she needed to get help with her anger

and that I couldn't keep seeing her until she did.

I guess the reason that it feels like a new place is that I finally believe

wholeheartedly that her well-being is not my responsibility and that disallowing

her to abuse me is beneficial not only for myself, but for her as well. I have

learnt to set boundaries in the last few years, but the cycle of her " blow ups "

has continued and I have never really confronted her as directly about her

behaviour as I have just recently done.

Unfortunately a lot of what I'm still feeling doesn't feel new at all. The

continual worry at the back of my mind, the continual sadness that things aren't

different and the continual inner dialogue questioning whether or not I really

am the horrible selfish person that she says that I am-perhaps I was somehow the

cause of her angry tirade?!

It has been a few weeks since I have seen her and in that time I have had some

very nice, loving text messages from her and some tearful phone calls, both to

myself and my partner. The first phone conversation that I had with her, she

apologised and then started making excuses- she is so sick and in desperate need

of love, she has lost so much weight, her body is breaking down on her etc, etc.

I would normally have gone along with the excuses, but I stayed very strong in

communicating that there was absolutely NO excuse for the behaviour, that you

simply cannot behave like that under ANY circumstances.

Upon reflection, I started feeling quite bad that I didn't have the grace to

accept her apology (a big step for her), though I did thank her for it, I just

couldn't soften and say that everything was ok.

It didn't help that I went to a friend's father's funeral the next day and was

very moved by the sentiment of life being short, to live with an open heart, to

forgive and let go of anger etc. I try to live by these principles in my life

and so these words resonated.

I phoned her the next day and left a message saying that I hoped she had a good

day and that I hoped to catch up with her during the week.

Well, the week rolled on and I just couldn't face seeing her. It is so hard to

say, but I just don't feel like having her anywhere near me at the moment and

I'm also really unsure how to handle seeing her again. All of her behaviour just

feels so manipulative. I cancelled meeting her and have suggested going out for

a cuppa over the weekend.

I must admit I'm feeling nervous. I just don't know where to from here.

All of the advice I have been given about seeing her again is to keep really

strong, consistent boundaries and I know it's the right advice, but the coldness

of that feels heartbreaking to me and I don't know if I can do it. It feels like

I have to harden my heart and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

I also don't know how to frame the boundaries at all. When things are seemingly

fine, our relationship has an intense closeness to it (only child/single mum)

which on the one hand has always felt uncomfortable as it is so overbearing and

I'm always waiting for things to turn. But on the other hand, there is a certain

degree of fondness and comfort in familiarity and it is so easy to slip back

into because mum has this amazing soft, gentle, caring side.

I guess my quandary is how to set boundaries to protect myself without

compromising a sense of humility and compassion.

Oh how I would love to share an uncomplicated cuppa and scone with my mother.

But alas it isn't to be!

I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Thanks for reading.

With warmth,

Lynda

July 7, 2010

Hello Ann,

I got so much out of your post below.

Totally needed to read that today.

Especially this part: " trying to manipulate her into being the mother she maybe

never really ever was for you is just as destructive to your relationship as her

trying to manipulate you into being a daughter you were never meant to be. "

I am guilty of that. It brings light to my situation right now, feeling

incredible frustration with my mother and anger...because she is sick (not

physically). Because she is not changing. Because it's the same dance all the

time. But what do I expect, really? It's like I expect her to change one day and

that's not going to happen.

It's so helpful to turn something on its head and look at it from another angle

this way.

thanks again,

Fiona

>

> Subject: Difficulty keeping resolve and setting boundaries

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Thursday, July 1, 2010, 12:17 AM

>

> Â

>

> I have been writing about being in a new place in my interactions with

my mum after her most recent angry outburst. Recently I wrote to her to tell her

that I loved her very much but felt that she needed to get help with her anger

and that I couldn't keep seeing her until she did.

>

> I guess the reason that it feels like a new place is that I finally believe

wholeheartedly that her well-being is not my responsibility and that disallowing

her to abuse me is beneficial not only for myself, but for her as well. I have

learnt to set boundaries in the last few years, but the cycle of her " blow ups "

has continued and I have never really confronted her as directly about her

behaviour as I have just recently done.

>

> Unfortunately a lot of what I'm still feeling doesn't feel new at all. The

continual worry at the back of my mind, the continual sadness that things aren't

different and the continual inner dialogue questioning whether or not I really

am the horrible selfish person that she says that I am-perhaps I was somehow the

cause of her angry tirade?!

>

> It has been a few weeks since I have seen her and in that time I have had some

very nice, loving text messages from her and some tearful phone calls, both to

myself and my partner. The first phone conversation that I had with her, she

apologised and then started making excuses- she is so sick and in desperate need

of love, she has lost so much weight, her body is breaking down on her etc, etc.

I would normally have gone along with the excuses, but I stayed very strong in

communicating that there was absolutely NO excuse for the behaviour, that you

simply cannot behave like that under ANY circumstances.

>

> Upon reflection, I started feeling quite bad that I didn't have the grace to

accept her apology (a big step for her), though I did thank her for it, I just

couldn't soften and say that everything was ok.

>

> It didn't help that I went to a friend's father's funeral the next day and was

very moved by the sentiment of life being short, to live with an open heart, to

forgive and let go of anger etc. I try to live by these principles in my life

and so these words resonated.

>

> I phoned her the next day and left a message saying that I hoped she had a

good day and that I hoped to catch up with her during the week.

>

> Well, the week rolled on and I just couldn't face seeing her. It is so hard to

say, but I just don't feel like having her anywhere near me at the moment and

I'm also really unsure how to handle seeing her again. All of her behaviour just

feels so manipulative. I cancelled meeting her and have suggested going out for

a cuppa over the weekend.

>

> I must admit I'm feeling nervous. I just don't know where to from here.

>

> All of the advice I have been given about seeing her again is to keep really

strong, consistent boundaries and I know it's the right advice, but the coldness

of that feels heartbreaking to me and I don't know if I can do it. It feels like

I have to harden my heart and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

>

> I also don't know how to frame the boundaries at all. When things are

seemingly fine, our relationship has an intense closeness to it (only

child/single mum) which on the one hand has always felt uncomfortable as it is

so overbearing and I'm always waiting for things to turn. But on the other hand,

there is a certain degree of fondness and comfort in familiarity and it is so

easy to slip back into because mum has this amazing soft, gentle, caring side.

>

> I guess my quandary is how to set boundaries to protect myself without

compromising a sense of humility and compassion.

>

> Oh how I would love to share an uncomplicated cuppa and scone with my mother.

But alas it isn't to be!

>

> I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advice.

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

> With warmth,

>

> Lynda

>

July 7, 2010

Dear Ann,

I would like to thank you as well. That also really stood out to me when I read

it, so much so that I just referred to it in the message I just posted, which

happened to be a reply to Fiona. Funny. I hope that makes sense. It is way past

my bed time!

Blessings

Lynda

> >

> > From: birdonawire77 <lynda.m77@>

> > Subject: Difficulty keeping resolve and setting

boundaries

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Thursday, July 1, 2010, 12:17 AM

> >

> > Â

> >

> > I have been writing about being in a new place in my interactions with

my mum after her most recent angry outburst. Recently I wrote to her to tell her

that I loved her very much but felt that she needed to get help with her anger

and that I couldn't keep seeing her until she did.

> >

> > I guess the reason that it feels like a new place is that I finally believe

wholeheartedly that her well-being is not my responsibility and that disallowing

her to abuse me is beneficial not only for myself, but for her as well. I have

learnt to set boundaries in the last few years, but the cycle of her " blow ups "

has continued and I have never really confronted her as directly about her

behaviour as I have just recently done.

> >

> > Unfortunately a lot of what I'm still feeling doesn't feel new at all. The

continual worry at the back of my mind, the continual sadness that things aren't

different and the continual inner dialogue questioning whether or not I really

am the horrible selfish person that she says that I am-perhaps I was somehow the

cause of her angry tirade?!

> >

> > It has been a few weeks since I have seen her and in that time I have had

some very nice, loving text messages from her and some tearful phone calls, both

to myself and my partner. The first phone conversation that I had with her, she

apologised and then started making excuses- she is so sick and in desperate need

of love, she has lost so much weight, her body is breaking down on her etc, etc.

I would normally have gone along with the excuses, but I stayed very strong in

communicating that there was absolutely NO excuse for the behaviour, that you

simply cannot behave like that under ANY circumstances.

> >

> > Upon reflection, I started feeling quite bad that I didn't have the grace to

accept her apology (a big step for her), though I did thank her for it, I just

couldn't soften and say that everything was ok.

> >

> > It didn't help that I went to a friend's father's funeral the next day and

was very moved by the sentiment of life being short, to live with an open heart,

to forgive and let go of anger etc. I try to live by these principles in my life

and so these words resonated.

> >

> > I phoned her the next day and left a message saying that I hoped she had a

good day and that I hoped to catch up with her during the week.

> >

> > Well, the week rolled on and I just couldn't face seeing her. It is so hard

to say, but I just don't feel like having her anywhere near me at the moment and

I'm also really unsure how to handle seeing her again. All of her behaviour just

feels so manipulative. I cancelled meeting her and have suggested going out for

a cuppa over the weekend.

> >

> > I must admit I'm feeling nervous. I just don't know where to from here.

> >

> > All of the advice I have been given about seeing her again is to keep really

strong, consistent boundaries and I know it's the right advice, but the coldness

of that feels heartbreaking to me and I don't know if I can do it. It feels like

I have to harden my heart and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

> >

> > I also don't know how to frame the boundaries at all. When things are

seemingly fine, our relationship has an intense closeness to it (only

child/single mum) which on the one hand has always felt uncomfortable as it is

so overbearing and I'm always waiting for things to turn. But on the other hand,

there is a certain degree of fondness and comfort in familiarity and it is so

easy to slip back into because mum has this amazing soft, gentle, caring side.

> >

> > I guess my quandary is how to set boundaries to protect myself without

compromising a sense of humility and compassion.

> >

> > Oh how I would love to share an uncomplicated cuppa and scone with my

mother. But alas it isn't to be!

> >

> > I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advice.

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

> > With warmth,

> >

> > Lynda

> >

July 8, 2010

Dear Ann, I have been really thinking about some of the things that you said and

I wanted to thank you also for your wisdom regarding love and boundaries not

being mutually exclusive.

I guess the coldness that I was describing comes from the idea of placing a

framework on interacting with my mum, rather than interacting in a more organic

way, though I know it's absolutely necessary to set boundaries with her. I am

really trying to find my balance in this.

I thought I'd just better mention that I am not in any way suggesting people

that set boundaries are cold, it is just a very personal feeling I have

pertinent to my own situation. I think that it probably also stems from the fact

that my whole relationship with my mum is based on constant crossing of

boundaries, where she constantly refers to me as being hers and she is

constantly scrutinising my behaviour to perceive if I love her back or not.

A friend of mine described this very well. It's like a child pinching someone

harder and harder and asking " Do you still love me? " " What about now? "

Well, thanks again for your wisdom. It has really helped me to move forward.

With warmth,

Lynda

> > >

> > > From: birdonawire77 <lynda.m77@>

> > > Subject: Difficulty keeping resolve and setting

boundaries

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Date: Thursday, July 1, 2010, 12:17 AM

> > >

> > > Â

> > >

> > > I have been writing about being in a new place in my interactions

with my mum after her most recent angry outburst. Recently I wrote to her to

tell her that I loved her very much but felt that she needed to get help with

her anger and that I couldn't keep seeing her until she did.

> > >

> > > I guess the reason that it feels like a new place is that I finally

believe wholeheartedly that her well-being is not my responsibility and that

disallowing her to abuse me is beneficial not only for myself, but for her as

well. I have learnt to set boundaries in the last few years, but the cycle of

her " blow ups " has continued and I have never really confronted her as directly

about her behaviour as I have just recently done.

> > >

> > > Unfortunately a lot of what I'm still feeling doesn't feel new at all. The

continual worry at the back of my mind, the continual sadness that things aren't

different and the continual inner dialogue questioning whether or not I really

am the horrible selfish person that she says that I am-perhaps I was somehow the

cause of her angry tirade?!

> > >

> > > It has been a few weeks since I have seen her and in that time I have had

some very nice, loving text messages from her and some tearful phone calls, both

to myself and my partner. The first phone conversation that I had with her, she

apologised and then started making excuses- she is so sick and in desperate need

of love, she has lost so much weight, her body is breaking down on her etc, etc.

I would normally have gone along with the excuses, but I stayed very strong in

communicating that there was absolutely NO excuse for the behaviour, that you

simply cannot behave like that under ANY circumstances.

> > >

> > > Upon reflection, I started feeling quite bad that I didn't have the grace

to accept her apology (a big step for her), though I did thank her for it, I

just couldn't soften and say that everything was ok.

> > >

> > > It didn't help that I went to a friend's father's funeral the next day and

was very moved by the sentiment of life being short, to live with an open heart,

to forgive and let go of anger etc. I try to live by these principles in my life

and so these words resonated.

> > >

> > > I phoned her the next day and left a message saying that I hoped she had a

good day and that I hoped to catch up with her during the week.

> > >

> > > Well, the week rolled on and I just couldn't face seeing her. It is so

hard to say, but I just don't feel like having her anywhere near me at the

moment and I'm also really unsure how to handle seeing her again. All of her

behaviour just feels so manipulative. I cancelled meeting her and have suggested

going out for a cuppa over the weekend.

> > >

> > > I must admit I'm feeling nervous. I just don't know where to from here.

> > >

> > > All of the advice I have been given about seeing her again is to keep

really strong, consistent boundaries and I know it's the right advice, but the

coldness of that feels heartbreaking to me and I don't know if I can do it. It

feels like I have to harden my heart and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

> > >

> > > I also don't know how to frame the boundaries at all. When things are

seemingly fine, our relationship has an intense closeness to it (only

child/single mum) which on the one hand has always felt uncomfortable as it is

so overbearing and I'm always waiting for things to turn. But on the other hand,

there is a certain degree of fondness and comfort in familiarity and it is so

easy to slip back into because mum has this amazing soft, gentle, caring side.

> > >

> > > I guess my quandary is how to set boundaries to protect myself without

compromising a sense of humility and compassion.

> > >

> > > Oh how I would love to share an uncomplicated cuppa and scone with my

mother. But alas it isn't to be!

> > >

> > > I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advice.

> > >

> > > Thanks for reading.

> > >

> > > With warmth,

> > >

> > > Lynda

> > >

July 13, 2010

you are welcome lynda

glad i could help a little.

Subject: Re: Difficulty keeping resolve and setting

boundaries

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, July 8, 2010, 3:59 AM

Â

Dear Ann, I have been really thinking about some of the things that you

said and I wanted to thank you also for your wisdom regarding love and

boundaries not being mutually exclusive.