Re: like a sister and sadness

[Guest guest]

- Deep breaths, kiddo. This does sound worrying. Is there any source of

information that would give you a list of possible conditions and outcomes?

Sometimes, we jump straight to the worst case scenario, when there are a host of

lesser evils we might consider. Can the doctor's office (or a medical db like

the ones at NIH) provide any comforting info? (Or would that just make it

worse?)

You can talk to us. The not knowing must be maddening, I know.

>

> So my nada has said things over the years that show she thinks of me as a

sister. As I grew up we were very involved with my grandparents and I did spend

many weeks there at times. She'll talk about how " we grew up " or the " things we

weren't taught " or " we were raised to think... " It is as if deep in her mind

she abdicated - or never claimed - the role of being my mother. The idea that

SHE raised me and that it was HER responsibility to nurture, teach, and protect

me seems absent. And in light of that somehow the futility of wanting her to be

a better mother or confront her about being a bad one just really sinks in....in

her mind she isn't my mother. Except for what I owe her of course.

>

> And sadness...today I went to the opthalmologist and found out that when I

accidentally looked at the sun while driving a few weeks ago that a very small

portion of my retina in one eye was destroyed. Gone. That eye will never see

colors as bright again as the other eye. It's only a small difference and the

doc had to point it out to me, but now I know. He also wants a specialist to

see me because he's surprised that the small exposure I had did that much

damage. So now while I wait the interminable weeks for that appointment I get

to wonder about whether I have some god awful retinal disease. I'll be wearing

sunglasses - constantly.

>

> And I want to call her and tell her about this, I want comfort someone to

care. Someone to understand my fear. But even if I did I would regret it

quickly...she'd blame me for doing it to myself, she'd act like it was

unimportant, and then she'd change the subject to what her cat is up to today,

and by tomorrow she'd forget I'd told her. I don't need that. If I told my

aunt, my only other relative left, she'd meet it with cold silence. Then she'd

begin to worry in a paranoid catastrophising manner...and later she'd expect me

to be grateful for her " support " and tell me how I lean on her too much.

>

> Bitter today.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- Deep breaths, kiddo. This does sound worrying. Is there any source of

information that would give you a list of possible conditions and outcomes?

Sometimes, we jump straight to the worst case scenario, when there are a host of

lesser evils we might consider. Can the doctor's office (or a medical db like

the ones at NIH) provide any comforting info? (Or would that just make it

worse?)

Forget Nada and your aunt. You can talk to us. The not knowing must be

maddening, I know.

>

> So my nada has said things over the years that show she thinks of me as a

sister. As I grew up we were very involved with my grandparents and I did spend

many weeks there at times. She'll talk about how " we grew up " or the " things we

weren't taught " or " we were raised to think... " It is as if deep in her mind

she abdicated - or never claimed - the role of being my mother. The idea that

SHE raised me and that it was HER responsibility to nurture, teach, and protect

me seems absent. And in light of that somehow the futility of wanting her to be

a better mother or confront her about being a bad one just really sinks in....in

her mind she isn't my mother. Except for what I owe her of course.

>

> And sadness...today I went to the opthalmologist and found out that when I

accidentally looked at the sun while driving a few weeks ago that a very small

portion of my retina in one eye was destroyed. Gone. That eye will never see

colors as bright again as the other eye. It's only a small difference and the

doc had to point it out to me, but now I know. He also wants a specialist to

see me because he's surprised that the small exposure I had did that much

damage. So now while I wait the interminable weeks for that appointment I get

to wonder about whether I have some god awful retinal disease. I'll be wearing

sunglasses - constantly.

>

> And I want to call her and tell her about this, I want comfort someone to

care. Someone to understand my fear. But even if I did I would regret it

quickly...she'd blame me for doing it to myself, she'd act like it was

unimportant, and then she'd change the subject to what her cat is up to today,

and by tomorrow she'd forget I'd told her. I don't need that. If I told my

aunt, my only other relative left, she'd meet it with cold silence. Then she'd

begin to worry in a paranoid catastrophising manner...and later she'd expect me

to be grateful for her " support " and tell me how I lean on her too much.

>

> Bitter today.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks After a good night's sleep I'm feeling a little more grounded.

Still not happy about it all but not so despairing. The doc did say it was

" probably " okay...oh but he'd still like me to see their specialist guy anyway.

He's being thorough which I appreciate and you know he's *probably* being

reasonable. I'll just try to keep remembering that if it were looking serious

in his eyes he would act more urgent about it. Looking up info on what it

might be might send my imagination into overdrive though!

I guess the hardest part of managing my emotions with this or any other big

worry in my life is just that fundamental feeling of having no net if I fall. I

can't remember a time in my life - even as a kid living with my mother - that

didn't feel that way.

Anywho...I'll just keep taking those deep breaths!

Thanks,

>

> - Deep breaths, kiddo. This does sound worrying. Is there any source

of information that would give you a list of possible conditions and outcomes?

Sometimes, we jump straight to the worst case scenario, when there are a host of

lesser evils we might consider. Can the doctor's office (or a medical db like

the ones at NIH) provide any comforting info? (Or would that just make it

worse?)

>

> You can talk to us. The not knowing must be maddening, I know.

>

[Guest guest]

You know how parents with larger families go through all the kids' names before

they get the right one? " Tom, Dick, no--I mean Harry. Come here. "

My mother never did that to me with my own sister's names. She would call me

all of HER sisters' names.

I never really quite " got " that until I read your post!! You're right--she saw

me as an older caretaking sister and a younger sister she could bully. Not

quite a daughter, though.

Very insightful.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> So my nada has said things over the years that show she thinks of me as a

sister. As I grew up we were very involved with my grandparents and I did spend

many weeks there at times. She'll talk about how " we grew up " or the " things we

weren't taught " or " we were raised to think... " It is as if deep in her mind

she abdicated - or never claimed - the role of being my mother. The idea that

SHE raised me and that it was HER responsibility to nurture, teach, and protect

me seems absent. And in light of that somehow the futility of wanting her to be

a better mother or confront her about being a bad one just really sinks in....in

her mind she isn't my mother. Except for what I owe her of course.

>

> And sadness...today I went to the opthalmologist and found out that when I

accidentally looked at the sun while driving a few weeks ago that a very small

portion of my retina in one eye was destroyed. Gone. That eye will never see

colors as bright again as the other eye. It's only a small difference and the

doc had to point it out to me, but now I know. He also wants a specialist to

see me because he's surprised that the small exposure I had did that much

damage. So now while I wait the interminable weeks for that appointment I get

to wonder about whether I have some god awful retinal disease. I'll be wearing

sunglasses - constantly.

>

> And I want to call her and tell her about this, I want comfort someone to

care. Someone to understand my fear. But even if I did I would regret it

quickly...she'd blame me for doing it to myself, she'd act like it was

unimportant, and then she'd change the subject to what her cat is up to today,

and by tomorrow she'd forget I'd told her. I don't need that. If I told my

aunt, my only other relative left, she'd meet it with cold silence. Then she'd

begin to worry in a paranoid catastrophising manner...and later she'd expect me

to be grateful for her " support " and tell me how I lean on her too much.

>

> Bitter today.

>

>

>