update on my work situation with BP supervisor

[Guest guest]

Hi my support network! How are you all doing?

I feel great. I don't even care about my position so much, although I do care,

but the bigger reality of my life right now is that I have achieved a really big

step. I wish you could all throw me a party!!

Many of you have kept up with my trials and tribulations at work on here. I

landed my dream dream dream job, except for one small detail:

Ms BP, my supervisor who clearly displays BP characteristics and behaviors on a

regular basis.

I have posted on here, my frustrations and anxieties, and how within my first

days on the job, I fell into her trap of telling her my skeleton in my closet, I

felt nervous because I get angry and anxiety and panic I had told her,

unfortunately. Well, it's just been months of hell and intimidation.

I have worked really hard at this situation, found a lot of support on here, and

I have a mentor who understands about BPD who has walked me through all my daily

struggles with a lot of patience and nurturing. Gosh, it has been a struggle!

Well, one thing I did was document document document, and I brought it to people

above her several months ago. It was so scary. She had me so scared that I was

afraid to talk to other people at my dream job! I was terrified. I was so

anxious as well.

I went through a lot. Well, one thing she seems to do on a regular basis is

smear campaigns. And, my mentor helped me to start a regular coffee group and

through that, I have some strong allies and friends at work. These allies and

friends have validated my reality that Ms BP is nuts and not a positive manager.

They also have talked with me and brought to my attention that I need to do

something, or else I will lose my job. I have been annoyed with these allies,

because I thought they were trying to use me to take her out. They kept saying

things like, " this is personal " and I would say " no no, it's just professional " .

I was distrustful of them sometimes...

I have gotten really frustrated with administration, that I have documented

really outrageous things, and they won't do anything, it seems! I felt upset

that I had built my NC life in such a way that no BP nor their web of

manipulation could touch me, and I was angry at the universe for sending me a BP

in the one place that is completely mine; my career, about which I am really

serious!!!

Then, this miracle happened. I don't know yet what it means in terms of my work

situation, but I do know that this was really really profound on the level of my

healing and personal development. One strategy that Ms BP apparently uses

regularly is to not give me necessary information for my job, have me mess up,

and then go make a smear campaign about how horrible my performance is. This

just happened, except for that I see the pattern, and my mentor assured me that

I did nothing wrong; she was wrong for withholding information necessary for me

to do my job. My allies talked with me recently and got me all worked up; I was

annoyed at them and even thought, why do they get me all worked up. Then, I

realized, the worked up part was inside me. It was fear.

Apparently, Ms BP used her smear campaign to go to the supervisor above her.

Unbeknownst to her, I have already met with him regularly, and shared with him

the incidents that I have documented. He called me in for a meeting yesterday,

and I popped in with no preparation whatsoever. Usually I get my mentor on the

phone, and she was not available, so with about one hour notice, I tried to

breathe and calm myself and I did the best I could.

I now thank you my allies for making me realize how much fear I had inside of

me, and they really were watching out for me, by encouraging me to take action.

Although it's not easy, and it's hard,

I did stand up.

so, yesterday, I went into the supervisor of Ms. BP's office, and it was just

him and I, and we talked. And unbeknowst to me, suddenly Ms BP and the other

people in our division came in. Apparently, this was a meeting of the entire

division. Holy cow!! I did this meeting without any preparation, without any

coaching from my mentor, nothing. Usually I need a bullleted list in my hand to

focus on during a meeting; I get so nervous!!!

The supervisor above Ms. BP pretty much started out the meeting by saying, I

know there are problems in this division, and I think we can all agree these

need to be straightened out. He didn't say much more for the rest of the

meeting. It was tough, I pretty much ran the meeting. I have no idea where

that strength came in. It came from somewhere inside that is a place FREE OF

FEAR and full of good intentions for the greater good. It was amazing. Every

trick that Ms BP tried to use, I stopped her in her tracks. I stomped and

stomped on those eggshells!!!!!! I had no idea I had that in me!!!

wow. It doesn't even matter about the job, it's gonna go whatever way it's

meant to be. What matters is that I reclaimed my life in that meeting

yesterday. I will never again live with fear. All that fear that was holding

me back, is gone. I addressed everything.

Highlights from the meeting for you to laugh at and have joy with me:

MS. BP stood up and the rest of us were sitting. She started talking standing.

I stood up, looked her in the eye, and said " I can stand too " . She sat down.

At the end, in the last five minutes, Ms. BP said " You won't last long here, I

have this on you and this and this " and proceeded to list several things that I

had already documented from my end with the supervisor above her. He caught my

eye and I said " Yes, I think we have discussed (this item). "

The really positive thing is, that this meeting is going to improve the

atmosphere with the other people in my division. We have been working under a

BP management, and so our division is filled with distrust, tattling to her,

etc, I am sure you can imagine, lots of triangulation, etc. I pointed things

out, these patterns, in specific details and layman's language, and I spoke

about my hope for the future that we could repair our relationships and work

towards an atmosphere of more openess, trust, and collaboration in the future.

Also, some unresolved issues came up and I was able to tell my side of the

story. The air was filled with some, just a little bit, of clear communication,

for the first time since I got there!

In the last few minutes, Ms. BP used her authority and threw her weight around.

I kind of gave her attitude, which made me look bad, I think, but my mentor,

when I discussed it with her, said that's fine, you got mad, that's normal. I

am no longer afraid of getting angry. It's okay.

I think the achievement for me here is much larger than this job. I would love

to stay at this job, and I have no idea what the longterm outcome will be. Ms

BP seems to have a lot of people in this place manipulated, you know how their

tentacles reach really far. Also, she kept twisting and turning facts around in

her mouth during the meeting such that it made me look bad. I am so glad that I

documented things earlier on, and I just wish I had documented more!!!

I do know that I feel like I was stuck for a long time, and I am coming unstuck

and more free! in my personal development. As I was split bad growing up, fear

of my anger and my anxiety have been large issues for me that have prevented me

from participating in life in a meaningful way. I mean, here I am at my dream

job and I am afraid to talk with people!!! This is the story of my life, but

not anymore.

I have to say, that I am going through this amazing transformation at every

level. Does anyone watch Hoarders? I have been working on clearing out my

clutter in a really big way, and I am finishing some projects this summer that

have been sitting around neglected for years. It's like I am finally moving

past this major block that had me very very stuck: The Fear and the fear of my

own anger and the fear of my anxiety.

When I told my mentor all about this meeting, she congratulated me and said

" wow, you just handled an intense, stressful conversation with a BP in a really

intelligent way. The only way to keep BPs in line is to hold them accountable

for their actions. "

I don't know what to expect out of this. After all, I grew up in a household

where I brought nada's actions and behaviors to the attention of my Fada a

million times, and he condoned it and let it go on. I am hoping in a work

situation, the managers would be concerned about this situation, but who knows?

I mean, I saw clear as day her behaviors, and I worked hard to point them out in

layman's language, but that is all I can do. The rest is up to the universe and

the powers that be. At the very least, I have acted proactively on my part.

I also feel great because having confided in her at the beginning of my job

there, and been fearful for a while worked in my favor, because she really seems

to have seen me as meek and I don't think she saw me coming yesterday. Holy

cow, I just laid bare all her tricks and manipulations, I just don't know how

receptive the audience was.

Well, pray for me that the audience was receptive, and also, congratulate me on

my achievements in the personal development level. I just may be closer to

happiness than I have ever been. Let the light shine on the darkness!!! I have

to go and work on this project that has seriously been sitting around for four

years, I think I finally can finish it now.

Hugs hugs hugs,

Your friend Walking to Happiness!