Re: Life after BPD -- suicide

July 2, 2010

I have read an article online that said 10% of people with BPD complete suicide.

For me, this attests to the fact that BPD is a very serious illness. Sometimes I

get so wrapped up in the drama of my mother and grandmother having had BPD and

the anger at other family members for not saving me, that I forget my mother was

very ill. In some ways,my mother did commit suicide. Not in an instant, but

over time. She refused to get medical help for her emphysema and she died. It

took awhile, but it finally killed her. And in the end, she left....just like

she claimed she always would.

She told me allll the time growing up that I'd regret " how I treated her " when

she died.

I didn't treat her badly. I lived my life. She didn't want me to do that. She

wanted me to do what SHE wanted me to do and because " she was the mother " , I was

supposed to cower down to her commands. I did not.

Amazingly, I don't regret anything nor do I feel guilty now that she's dead.

July 3, 2010

my mother has been telling me since I was a child how I was going to regret this

or that or the other. I know now I will regret concessions I have made to the

insanity of my family, and the times I have allowed them to be clouds on the

horizon. there really is sunshine beyond the sickness and negativity of my

family

>

> I have read an article online that said 10% of people with BPD complete

suicide. For me, this attests to the fact that BPD is a very serious illness.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the drama of my mother and grandmother having

had BPD and the anger at other family members for not saving me, that I forget

my mother was very ill. In some ways,my mother did commit suicide. Not in an

instant, but over time. She refused to get medical help for her emphysema and

she died. It took awhile, but it finally killed her. And in the end, she

left....just like she claimed she always would.

>

> She told me allll the time growing up that I'd regret " how I treated her " when

she died.

> I didn't treat her badly. I lived my life. She didn't want me to do that. She

wanted me to do what SHE wanted me to do and because " she was the mother " , I was

supposed to cower down to her commands. I did not.

>

> Amazingly, I don't regret anything nor do I feel guilty now that she's dead.

>

July 3, 2010

,

You are right. Of course the 10 % is based on those known and diagnosed

to be BPD, who commit suicide suddenly and violently. Those never

diagnosed and those to choose suicide by neglect, drive the numbers

higher , I m sure. But some small but signfigant percentage will

suicide. The rest of course, will use the FOG to manipulate us and

threaten us with suicide and the " guilt we will feel " when they are

gone.

It IS a very serious disorder. They live a life of misery, mostly self

induced. The effects of us are devastating.

My mom died of an anuerysm which was supposed to be checked every 6

months and repaired if it reached a certain size. She decided God had

healed it and refused her CT scans for the 2 years prior to her death.

So she gets a 2fer, suicide by neglect, gaslighting, and blaming God for

her own bad choices.

How typically BP! This is the type of end we would expect of them, is

it not?

Yesterday was a year to the day that she died.

I m still healing. Writing my book is helping the healing, and helping

me see what a lifetime of nada on the edges was truly like.

I do regret I didnt treat her better. But I don t feel guilty for it,

and there is a difference. I did not treat her as I would like to have

treated a sane , loving mom. But my choice was not out of meanness or

spite, but out of necessity. KO s have to have bounderies, or be drawn

down into the same pool of madness that finally drowns and consumes our

BP parent.

If we treat them as we would love to treat a parent, it will destroy us.

We do the best we can. I, and we, can regret the realities that we

lived, still knowing we did the best we could in a horrible situation.

At some point, we chose to heal.

And of course my mantra, is,

May we all heal.

Doug

>

> I have read an article online that said 10% of people with BPD

complete suicide. For me, this attests to the fact that BPD is a very

serious illness. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the drama of my mother

and grandmother having had BPD and the anger at other family members for

not saving me, that I forget my mother was very ill. In some ways,my

mother did commit suicide. Not in an instant, but over time. She refused

to get medical help for her emphysema and she died. It took awhile, but

it finally killed her. And in the end, she left....just like she claimed

she always would.

>

> She told me allll the time growing up that I'd regret " how I treated

her " when she died.

> I didn't treat her badly. I lived my life. She didn't want me to do

that. She wanted me to do what SHE wanted me to do and because " she was

the mother " , I was supposed to cower down to her commands. I did not.

>

> Amazingly, I don't regret anything nor do I feel guilty now that she's

dead.

>

July 3, 2010

Doug,

My mother died May 26th 2007. I didn't even remember it was the day until about

3 days afterward. I felt a little guilty.

My mom also threatened suicide often. It kept everyone in the family in turmoil,

in a hypervigilent state of worry and concern.

I remember when I was about 17 and she went through a period where she was just

freaking out. It was during Desert Storm War.

She didn't even know anybody over there and yet she decided this was the one

thing that would stress her. It was odd. But I was calling her

almost hourly to check on her. Finally she asked why I was calling so much and I

told her I was worried she was going to kill herself.

She went, " Oh. " Never once did she try to reassure me that wouldn't happen. In

fact, she almost gloated and enjoyed the fact that I was

worried about it.

They are sick individuals. Really sick.