Re: Just confided in my mother - how dumb am I?!

July 4, 2010

Oh Fiona don't beat yourself up. I do the same thing. Get lonely, confide in my

nada as if I will get some moral support and then she projects her shyness,

clumsiness onto me and I act itÂ out for her. She always then claims she was

talking about herself-not me. One time when I first got divorced, I was going to

try my hand at waiting tables at a bar. She of course, sent me off with " don't

spill anything-that is what I would do " and I'llÂ be damned if I don't spill a

whole tray of drinks on someone........they are not mothers...

Subject: Just confided in my mother - how dumb am I?!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, July 4, 2010, 8:27 AM

Â

She caught me at a vulnerable moment.

I'm going to my husband's family's obligatory, horrible, intolerable, 10-hour

marathon, annual 4th of July party. I **hate** going to this event. (I bet you

couldn't tell!) I get out of it as often as possible, but this is an " on " year.

Anyway, my daughter started meds for strep throat on Thursday and I was hoping

she wouldn't feel up to attending the party by today. But she's raring to go.

I wish I could adequately explain why I hate going to this event...I'll try

really quickly...it's long, at least 8 hours long...since it's extended family,

I talk to people for the first 2 hours--after that, everyone goes into their

little cliques and I'm on my own for 6 hours or more.

It is brutal, lonely, and I always feel left out. All I do is chase my little

one around.

ANYway, my mother called during this moment I was going through and I was

actually GLAD she did, I was so in need of someone to talk to. (that tells you

how low I was) She was asking if we were still going to today's event and I

confided in her how unhappy I was about going, etc.

She said, " is your sister in law going? SHE'S more like me; I go to a party and

I work the room and get to know everyone there. She's not shy, like you..blah

blah blah. "

I was SO sorry I said anything to her. Sigh. She can't just listen. It's funny,

b/c she starts with " Oh honey, I know how you feel. " This is good. BUT then she

lays on the line that debilitates me. That's how she works. That's how it always

is and was. Set me up, relax me, get me to trust you, then come in for the

attack.

I'm such a stupid sap.

thanks for listening to me vent.

Fiona

July 5, 2010

Wow that sounds horrid. I'm sorry that she put you down when you were feeling

so down.

We have a horrible Fourth of July Party also. It's too bad how a party meant

to be a good thing, can be so lonely and feel like such a trap!

Funny, I was about to post my miserable tale of a party. Guess I'm not the

only one.

>

> She caught me at a vulnerable moment.

>

> I'm going to my husband's family's obligatory, horrible, intolerable, 10-hour

marathon, annual 4th of July party. I **hate** going to this event. (I bet you

couldn't tell!) I get out of it as often as possible, but this is an " on " year.

>

> Anyway, my daughter started meds for strep throat on Thursday and I was hoping

she wouldn't feel up to attending the party by today. But she's raring to go.

>

> I wish I could adequately explain why I hate going to this event...I'll try

really quickly...it's long, at least 8 hours long...since it's extended family,

I talk to people for the first 2 hours--after that, everyone goes into their

little cliques and I'm on my own for 6 hours or more.

>

> It is brutal, lonely, and I always feel left out. All I do is chase my little

one around.

>

> ANYway, my mother called during this moment I was going through and I was

actually GLAD she did, I was so in need of someone to talk to. (that tells you

how low I was) She was asking if we were still going to today's event and I

confided in her how unhappy I was about going, etc.

>

> She said, " is your sister in law going? SHE'S more like me; I go to a party

and I work the room and get to know everyone there. She's not shy, like

you..blah blah blah. "

>

> I was SO sorry I said anything to her. Sigh. She can't just listen. It's

funny, b/c she starts with " Oh honey, I know how you feel. " This is good. BUT

then she lays on the line that debilitates me. That's how she works. That's how

it always is and was. Set me up, relax me, get me to trust you, then come in

for the attack.

>

> I'm such a stupid sap.

>

> thanks for listening to me vent.

>

> Fiona

>

July 5, 2010

For 36 years it was like this: I was Charlie Brown, my mother was Lucy, and the

comforting I needed was the football. You know the rest!

Deanna

>

> She caught me at a vulnerable moment.

>

> I'm going to my husband's family's obligatory, horrible, intolerable, 10-hour

marathon, annual 4th of July party. I **hate** going to this event. (I bet you

couldn't tell!) I get out of it as often as possible, but this is an " on " year.

>

> Anyway, my daughter started meds for strep throat on Thursday and I was hoping

she wouldn't feel up to attending the party by today. But she's raring to go.

>

> I wish I could adequately explain why I hate going to this event...I'll try

really quickly...it's long, at least 8 hours long...since it's extended family,

I talk to people for the first 2 hours--after that, everyone goes into their

little cliques and I'm on my own for 6 hours or more.

>

> It is brutal, lonely, and I always feel left out. All I do is chase my little

one around.

>

> ANYway, my mother called during this moment I was going through and I was

actually GLAD she did, I was so in need of someone to talk to. (that tells you

how low I was) She was asking if we were still going to today's event and I

confided in her how unhappy I was about going, etc.

>

> She said, " is your sister in law going? SHE'S more like me; I go to a party

and I work the room and get to know everyone there. She's not shy, like

you..blah blah blah. "

>

> I was SO sorry I said anything to her. Sigh. She can't just listen. It's

funny, b/c she starts with " Oh honey, I know how you feel. " This is good. BUT

then she lays on the line that debilitates me. That's how she works. That's how

it always is and was. Set me up, relax me, get me to trust you, then come in

for the attack.

>

> I'm such a stupid sap.

>

> thanks for listening to me vent.

>

> Fiona

>

July 5, 2010

Fiona

I used to do that from time to time with nada. I finally determined

that there was just no way to ever trust her with confidences.

Most notably, I shared with her once about some hard feelings about my

dad. I thought I could share it with her, starting out with Mom, this

is not something I m ready to share with Dad, or talk to him about, (

they had been divorced for 30 years at that point, ) I just wanted to

share it because it s something we both are familiar with. But do NOT

tell dad about it.

She had not talked to Dad in some time. But she made a bee line that

very day, just to tell him about what I was hurt about. When he talked

to me, I said, you know, that was supposed to be in confidence, and I

didnt and dont want to discuss it with you yet. When I m ready I will.

When I confronted her, she said well I just thought he ought to know how

he had hurt you. But mom, it wasnt your call! I ll tell him when I am

ready! It was a confidence and you broke it. And frankly, bull shit.

She made a bee line to tell him because it was vindictive and she

wanted to hurt him with it. Instead, she hurt me, and dad was already

suffering from guilt over me, and in fact had been seeing a therapist

for depression about it. But I wasn t ready to deal with it yet and she

was a typical nada and gave no thought to what her actions might do to

me , or others.

It was a lesson learned though. I never again, until her death, told

her anything I would not publish in the newspaper. They cannot and will

not keep a confidence, likely will gaslight it and tell it wrong, and if

they think they want to or should, or , as in mom s case, think God told

me I should do it, an oath on the Bible or her grandchildren would not

bind her to keeping her word.

It was infuriating that I could never rely on her to keep her word.

You can t share anything deep or personal with nada, because to nada,

you just don t matter. ONLY ALWAYS AND FOREVER all that matters to her,

is her.

Thats cold, I know. But it s true.

Doug

>

> She caught me at a vulnerable moment.

>

> I'm going to my husband's family's obligatory, horrible, intolerable,

10-hour marathon, annual 4th of July party. I **hate** going to this

event. (I bet you couldn't tell!) I get out of it as often as possible,

but this is an " on " year.

>

> Anyway, my daughter started meds for strep throat on Thursday and I

was hoping she wouldn't feel up to attending the party by today. But

she's raring to go.

>

> I wish I could adequately explain why I hate going to this

event...I'll try really quickly...it's long, at least 8 hours

long...since it's extended family, I talk to people for the first 2

hours--after that, everyone goes into their little cliques and I'm on my

own for 6 hours or more.

>

> It is brutal, lonely, and I always feel left out. All I do is chase my

little one around.

>

> ANYway, my mother called during this moment I was going through and I

was actually GLAD she did, I was so in need of someone to talk to. (that

tells you how low I was) She was asking if we were still going to

today's event and I confided in her how unhappy I was about going, etc.

>

> She said, " is your sister in law going? SHE'S more like me; I go to a

party and I work the room and get to know everyone there. She's not shy,

like you..blah blah blah. "

>

> I was SO sorry I said anything to her. Sigh. She can't just listen.

It's funny, b/c she starts with " Oh honey, I know how you feel. " This

is good. BUT then she lays on the line that debilitates me. That's how

she works. That's how it always is and was. Set me up, relax me, get me

to trust you, then come in for the attack.

>

> I'm such a stupid sap.

>

> thanks for listening to me vent.

>

> Fiona

>

July 5, 2010

I just did it recently too...it took my nada a few days but she eventually used

the info I gave her against me...as soon as I told her, something inside me said

wait! stop! don't say it! but STILL I let my guard down...and I totally believe

that the only person my mother cares about is her, under all her masks and

phoniness...her true colors ALWAYS come out in the end.

> >

> > She caught me at a vulnerable moment.

> >

> > I'm going to my husband's family's obligatory, horrible, intolerable,

> 10-hour marathon, annual 4th of July party. I **hate** going to this

> event. (I bet you couldn't tell!) I get out of it as often as possible,

> but this is an " on " year.

> >

> > Anyway, my daughter started meds for strep throat on Thursday and I

> was hoping she wouldn't feel up to attending the party by today. But

> she's raring to go.

> >

> > I wish I could adequately explain why I hate going to this

> event...I'll try really quickly...it's long, at least 8 hours

> long...since it's extended family, I talk to people for the first 2

> hours--after that, everyone goes into their little cliques and I'm on my

> own for 6 hours or more.

> >

> > It is brutal, lonely, and I always feel left out. All I do is chase my

> little one around.

> >

> > ANYway, my mother called during this moment I was going through and I

> was actually GLAD she did, I was so in need of someone to talk to. (that

> tells you how low I was) She was asking if we were still going to

> today's event and I confided in her how unhappy I was about going, etc.

> >

> > She said, " is your sister in law going? SHE'S more like me; I go to a

> party and I work the room and get to know everyone there. She's not shy,

> like you..blah blah blah. "

> >

> > I was SO sorry I said anything to her. Sigh. She can't just listen.

> It's funny, b/c she starts with " Oh honey, I know how you feel. " This

> is good. BUT then she lays on the line that debilitates me. That's how

> she works. That's how it always is and was. Set me up, relax me, get me

> to trust you, then come in for the attack.

> >

> > I'm such a stupid sap.

> >

> > thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

July 5, 2010

You're not being cold, you're dead on.

It really is all about them. In my mother's case, I don't know if it's all an

act or if she does it for survival in a sense.

Like in my mother's case, saying how much better she is at being social than I

am, at how she can work a room...I'm guessing she says that to make herself feel

better...but it's at my expense -- much like what your mother did (which was

awful; I *hate* when people do that, " speak " on my behalf. Did you and your dad

ever smooth that out?).

Today I visited her and my brother. You know, my brother is such a good guy, but

I really do wonder if he has Asperger's, but that's entirely another topic. It's

like visiting the Munsters house. Gloomy inside, anytime I make conversation

about something I'm doing/my kids are doing they get a worried look on their

faces and list all the possible danger/evil that could happen. Sigh. It's a

tiring visit every time.

At one point, my mother said, " yeah, you're just like your father, all clammed

up, never talk. " And she says it like it's funny, but it makes me feel bad,

ashamed, like I'm doing something bad by being this way.

And she and my brother BLAB so much, how would I have a chance to say anything??

And why would I want to confide in them, let them see who I really am, when I'm

corrected every time with fear and doubt??

> >

> > She caught me at a vulnerable moment.

> >

> > I'm going to my husband's family's obligatory, horrible, intolerable,

> 10-hour marathon, annual 4th of July party. I **hate** going to this

> event. (I bet you couldn't tell!) I get out of it as often as possible,

> but this is an " on " year.

> >

> > Anyway, my daughter started meds for strep throat on Thursday and I

> was hoping she wouldn't feel up to attending the party by today. But

> she's raring to go.

> >

> > I wish I could adequately explain why I hate going to this

> event...I'll try really quickly...it's long, at least 8 hours

> long...since it's extended family, I talk to people for the first 2

> hours--after that, everyone goes into their little cliques and I'm on my

> own for 6 hours or more.

> >

> > It is brutal, lonely, and I always feel left out. All I do is chase my

> little one around.

> >

> > ANYway, my mother called during this moment I was going through and I

> was actually GLAD she did, I was so in need of someone to talk to. (that

> tells you how low I was) She was asking if we were still going to

> today's event and I confided in her how unhappy I was about going, etc.

> >

> > She said, " is your sister in law going? SHE'S more like me; I go to a

> party and I work the room and get to know everyone there. She's not shy,

> like you..blah blah blah. "

> >

> > I was SO sorry I said anything to her. Sigh. She can't just listen.

> It's funny, b/c she starts with " Oh honey, I know how you feel. " This

> is good. BUT then she lays on the line that debilitates me. That's how

> she works. That's how it always is and was. Set me up, relax me, get me

> to trust you, then come in for the attack.

> >

> > I'm such a stupid sap.

> >

> > thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

July 6, 2010

Dear Fiona,

I have a history of doing this with my mother and can totally relate to the

pattern that you describe-Set me up, relax me, get me to trust you, then come in

for the attack.

I have been reflecting on this a lot lately as I have a tendency to need to tell

not only my mum, but poor friends things in excruciating detail and I think

it is because I have grown up trying to seek my mum's approval and being

constantly on the look out for any sign of her being unhappy with me (I suppose

to prevent a possible " blow up " ). I was especially like this with my mum during

my teens and early twenties, but have become a bit more " onto it " as I have

become older and moved into the blessed thirties, but I still seemed to get

sucked back into that trust over and over again.

It takes me a while to get to this point with my mum each time as I have to

recover from her angry tirades and then, as you described it I get relaxed

enough to open up again, before the next tirade.

A recent example is me confiding in my mum that my partner was going through

some quite serious depression. I partly told her because she kept asking him to

do things for her and I was trying to get him some respite. She was really

understanding and supportive and then during her recent " attack " she said that

it must be exhausting for me looking after a selfish mummy's boy. That unlike

him, her depression is chronic. I know she made that comment because she feels

angry that I would invest so much time and concern into his well-being, but I am

never there for her in her great times of need (she is always in a great time of

need!)

I have been especially vulnerable the past six months as I have had a new baby

and other challenges like my partner's depression and my dad fighting bowel

cancer and I have needed my mum's help. I guess I always knew in the back of my

mind that things would eventually turn and they did. Sigh!

I am currently trying to shift the dynamics of our relationship and create some

boundaries and to do this I need to keep an emotional distance. It is

challenging as I know that I get caught up in this cycle time and time again. I

am trying to stay strong though. It is exhausting alright!

Don't feel bad about being trusting. That doesn't make you stupid! It is a

reflection of your own kind heart. Her need to belittle you is entirely her

issue, whether it is intentional or not.

With warmth,

Lynda

>

> She caught me at a vulnerable moment.

>

> I'm going to my husband's family's obligatory, horrible, intolerable, 10-hour

marathon, annual 4th of July party. I **hate** going to this event. (I bet you

couldn't tell!) I get out of it as often as possible, but this is an " on " year.

>

> Anyway, my daughter started meds for strep throat on Thursday and I was hoping

she wouldn't feel up to attending the party by today. But she's raring to go.

>

> I wish I could adequately explain why I hate going to this event...I'll try

really quickly...it's long, at least 8 hours long...since it's extended family,

I talk to people for the first 2 hours--after that, everyone goes into their

little cliques and I'm on my own for 6 hours or more.

>

> It is brutal, lonely, and I always feel left out. All I do is chase my little

one around.

>

> ANYway, my mother called during this moment I was going through and I was

actually GLAD she did, I was so in need of someone to talk to. (that tells you

how low I was) She was asking if we were still going to today's event and I

confided in her how unhappy I was about going, etc.

>

> She said, " is your sister in law going? SHE'S more like me; I go to a party

and I work the room and get to know everyone there. She's not shy, like

you..blah blah blah. "

>

> I was SO sorry I said anything to her. Sigh. She can't just listen. It's

funny, b/c she starts with " Oh honey, I know how you feel. " This is good. BUT

then she lays on the line that debilitates me. That's how she works. That's how

it always is and was. Set me up, relax me, get me to trust you, then come in

for the attack.

>

> I'm such a stupid sap.

>

> thanks for listening to me vent.

>

> Fiona

>

July 6, 2010

This type of " casual cruelty " really upsets me.Â Hugs to you.........

andra

" Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it; boldness has genius, power and

magic in it. " Goethe

Subject: Just confided in my mother - how dumb am I?!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, July 4, 2010, 1:27 PM