need some reassurance

[Guest guest]

Hi my friends

I am feeling really confident right now, I feel like I have been NC for five

years to heal myself, but I also have cut off relationships with a lot of FOO

and FOO friends that knew me since childhood, and I am angry that nada has

caused me to isolate myself from all of them

Recently, I stood up to my BP work supervisor (I think she clearly displays BPD

characteristics, and people at work generally consider her " crazy " ).

I think it's good I've had to deal with her, because I have developed a host of

skills in terms of setting boundaries, holding her accountable, telling her to

breathe and slow down, and pointing out when she doesn't make any sense. It's

not easy, but it feels different than when I used to get hoovered in.

I feel like I have overcome my fear.

I am seriously considering traveling to the city where the FOO lives and staying

in a hotel, and visiting for an afternoon. Maybe two afternoons.

I dont' have many expectations, they are probalby as batty as ever. I mainly

want to meet my nieces for the first time, so they can put a face to my name,

and hopefully they will see me stand up to nada at least once in my new found

strength.

Then I really want to see my father.

Does anyone have any thoughts, advice, opinions for me? I really do feel so

much stronger since confronting my supervisor recently. I really do feel like

I've overcome my fear and rigidity and the control I extended over everything in

my life. I feel like if I am strong and hold nada accountable at every turn,

she won't mess with me. I feel like this will be different than being hoovered

in.

I am not going back to get any care love or attention. I am going back to care

for father and the nieces.

I had a breakthrough on the phone with father, which I'll put in another post.

HUGS

WAlkingto Happiness

[Guest guest]

Your post made me cry. I totally understand that you want to at least try to

have a relationship with your dad. I think you should as long as you go into it

with your eyes wide open, knowing that he will probably slip into his old ways

when nada is around. You sound like you are up for the challenge - go for it.

patinage

[Guest guest]

I am glad you feel stronger, you sound strong and confidant. One of the best

ways to gain any clarity and strength is to stay clear from the crazy. 5 years

is a good amount of time, and I am sure you have gained a lot of will power and

cleared your head quite a bit.

I have been 8 years n/c with nada and the foo, and all of my friends except 2

and one of those friends has a mom who is bpd, the other lived across the street

from me and saw nadas behaviors growing up. I have been on and off n/c and r/c

with fada for the last 8 years and I have just started limited contact with my

sister about 2 years ago at times it can be explosive. I know every situation is

unique, but on the other hand when dealing with borderlines, it usually ends the

same, I want YOU to feel empowered for yourself, but I don't want you to get

your hopes up for others only to be let down.

There were times I thought my dad was listening to me and having some kind of a

breakthrough only to be let down and fall hard. He will never be a real dad to

me, this is something that was hard for me to face. I am not saying this is true

for you, hope for the best, plan for the worst. I have NO hope for my sister,

she is messed up as nada, and nevertheless, I love my family. I don't care is

she is messed up, I still talk to my sister sometimes, and I admit I say things

to try and get under her skin. What are big sisters for ? But I no longer

believe she or my father will see the light and I don't care. I feel peace for

myself, strangly this is enough.

If you go, and if you see your family, it is good that you plan not to stay with

them, but rather in a hotel. Keep the visits short. Keep your expectations very

low. It is easier to give them more later, than to take away. And plan on

emotions being very high. Try to stay calm, and don't let anybody get to you.

Focus on your inner peace and know you cannot change them; they have to want to

change.

Be prepared, it may not go like you planned, and think to yourself " Am I ready

to open this can of worms? " if you are ready then do it. Sometimes I also

fantasize about showing my family this stronger new me, but when I think about

what my personal consequences would be, it is not worth it to me. Your

consequences may not be too severe and you may want to try it. Hope for the

best, but plan for the worst. And I do mean this. Good luck with everything.

>

> Hi my friends

> I am feeling really confident right now, I feel like I have been NC for five

years to heal myself, but I also have cut off relationships with a lot of FOO

and FOO friends that knew me since childhood, and I am angry that nada has

caused me to isolate myself from all of them

> Recently, I stood up to my BP work supervisor (I think she clearly displays

BPD characteristics, and people at work generally consider her " crazy " ).

> I think it's good I've had to deal with her, because I have developed a host

of skills in terms of setting boundaries, holding her accountable, telling her

to breathe and slow down, and pointing out when she doesn't make any sense.

It's not easy, but it feels different than when I used to get hoovered in.

> I feel like I have overcome my fear.

> I am seriously considering traveling to the city where the FOO lives and

staying in a hotel, and visiting for an afternoon. Maybe two afternoons.

> I dont' have many expectations, they are probalby as batty as ever. I mainly

want to meet my nieces for the first time, so they can put a face to my name,

and hopefully they will see me stand up to nada at least once in my new found

strength.

> Then I really want to see my father.

>

> Does anyone have any thoughts, advice, opinions for me? I really do feel so

much stronger since confronting my supervisor recently. I really do feel like

I've overcome my fear and rigidity and the control I extended over everything in

my life. I feel like if I am strong and hold nada accountable at every turn,

she won't mess with me. I feel like this will be different than being hoovered

in.

>

> I am not going back to get any care love or attention. I am going back to

care for father and the nieces.

> I had a breakthrough on the phone with father, which I'll put in another post.

>

> HUGS

> WAlkingto Happiness

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the replies. I don't know if I have my eyes wide open, maybe I do

need to wait a little bit longer. I mean, I just had my first exposure therapy

at work, so maybe I need to work with the BP supervisor a little more time, some

more months, before I would be ready to subject myself to the FOO.

Maybe handling work, and developing the skills that I need to have to hold my

job with this supervisor is enough for me to handle right now.

But Ms BP supervisor is really a blessing, because in her being so difficult it

has made me so much stronger!!

It's hard, but I can finally understand what all the self-help books mean, when

they talk about setting boundaries with a BP and things like that. I never used

to understand that advice, I always got cynical, but now I feel strong enough,

that I think it might be possible.

I really miss my father and I would like to meet my niece, but I think my last

post here was mainly an expression of euphoria because I handled the meeting

where I had to confront my supervisor about her behaviors, I handled it mostly

well. I could still learn more skills in dealing with a BP, but I got over my

fear. And the fear had really been holding me back for my whole life.

I am not afraid anymore.

I would like to see my father, but it is a really sad situation, and maybe I

ought to wait a few more months, it's a long trip. And I can predict that it

would be all hyper happiness for the first time, and then nada would steal the

show, and I dread her picking on me for my weight, which has always been

something really difficult for me and she has always harped on it.

It scares me, I don't know that I really could deal with nada.

But it also scares me, when I hear bits and pieces about how nada is messing up

my poor nieces. yes, another generation. I had these superwoman fantasies

after the meeting with the BP supervisor... I thought I could go to the FOO and

demonstrate in front of my nieces that there is someone who will stand up to

nada, wierd fantasy right? I guess I wish someone had shown me how to do this a

long time ago. Until I had to deal with Ms BP supervisor, and I got the

encouragement of other people at work who see her as nuts, I didn't know how to

do this. And just the exposure therapy of having to deal with Ms BP at work, I

can see how that has strengthened me greatly, although it really has sucked, and

I still don't know what will happen.

It also really brings it home. This has been an emotional time for me, that

meeting was really something else. Being NC I could think of nada as far away

from me. Now, I realize it's something I can never escape. The truth of my

life is that I had a crazy mother, and I am still related to all of these

people, and they are still dealing with her. You can't really unrelate yourself

from these people. The way I grew up is part of who I am. BPD is a big part of

my experience. I wish it was something else, sometimes it seems other people

have less difficult problems, but I have no choice but to accept that this is

it. This is my life. My mother is crazy, and I really did grow up with that.

I know this may sound really obvious, but it's really becoming true to me in a

new way. Does this make any sense??

Hugs

Walkingto Happiness

[Guest guest]

Thank you Lizzy Boo

This is really good advice. I know what you mean about not having any

expectations for them. I really want to show them the way, but isn't it strange

how we can see what is really going on, yet the other people in the FOO just

can't seem to get out of the crazy dance?? Why is that?

Your post really brought me to earth. Yeah, it would be high emotions. I was

thinking just an afternoon, or a Sat and a Sunday afternoon, with a hotel room

that I can creep back to to nurse my wounds.

My friend pointed out that with my BP supervisor at work, she may be nuts and

chaotic and all that, but she still can't push the buttons my nada knows how to

push.

As my friend put it, " Mothers always know exactly how to make their children

feel awful " .

For me, weight is an issue, and I know that nada would begin harping on my

weight right away. I have some awful memories related to nada abusing me

because I am " Fat " ... she would notice if I gained one ounce more. Weight was

a really big issue.

I don't know that I am ready to go back. Maybe I will wait a little more

time...

Maybe I will just deal with the one crazy at work right now... and wait until I

really can deal with her...

I just felt so elated and euphoric after that meeting because I held her

accountable for her crazy behavior. This crazy BP at work!

I did it without going into panic, fear nor anxiety. It was a really big step

for me.

But maybe I need to celebrate this step for right now. And just take more baby

steps. I finally understand what my T had been saying for years, that I am

adult now, and nada can't touch me. No, she definitely has less access to me...

I finally see that is true. A lot of the fear that has been holding me back

lifted after that meeting with my supervisor.

But maybe I need to slow down, and not take on too much. I could say that

sometime in the near future, I would consider visiting the FOO for two

afternoons, but maybe not quite just yet.

Sorry about my euphoric outbreak on here, I am just really excited to discover

that I really don't have to be so afraid anymore. I feel so much more freed, so

much more is possible for me.

But maybe right now is the time to take it slow. I just achieved this huge step

in growth, so maybe I need to just hang out here a little while and see how it

feels...

HUGS!!!!

Walkingto Happiness

> >

> > Hi my friends

> > I am feeling really confident right now, I feel like I have been NC for five

years to heal myself, but I also have cut off relationships with a lot of FOO

and FOO friends that knew me since childhood, and I am angry that nada has

caused me to isolate myself from all of them

> > Recently, I stood up to my BP work supervisor (I think she clearly displays

BPD characteristics, and people at work generally consider her " crazy " ).

> > I think it's good I've had to deal with her, because I have developed a

host of skills in terms of setting boundaries, holding her accountable, telling

her to breathe and slow down, and pointing out when she doesn't make any sense.

It's not easy, but it feels different than when I used to get hoovered in.

> > I feel like I have overcome my fear.

> > I am seriously considering traveling to the city where the FOO lives and

staying in a hotel, and visiting for an afternoon. Maybe two afternoons.

> > I dont' have many expectations, they are probalby as batty as ever. I

mainly want to meet my nieces for the first time, so they can put a face to my

name, and hopefully they will see me stand up to nada at least once in my new

found strength.

> > Then I really want to see my father.

> >

> > Does anyone have any thoughts, advice, opinions for me? I really do feel so

much stronger since confronting my supervisor recently. I really do feel like

I've overcome my fear and rigidity and the control I extended over everything in

my life. I feel like if I am strong and hold nada accountable at every turn,

she won't mess with me. I feel like this will be different than being hoovered

in.

> >

> > I am not going back to get any care love or attention. I am going back to

care for father and the nieces.

> > I had a breakthrough on the phone with father, which I'll put in another

post.

> >

> > HUGS

> > WAlkingto Happiness

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Walkingtohappiness.

This makes complete and total sense. Everything you said makes sense. There have

been times where I was moving along great in life thinking I had the world on a

string and suddenly something will pop in my head maybe an old childhood memory

or an email from nada, or maybe just some kind of epiphany and it all comes back

like a flood.

It's like climbing a mountain one step at a time, each step you take you get

higher and higher, and pull yourself out from the bottom of a valley. Every time

I think I must be at the top now! But every time I realize I have more climbing

to do. Trust me I know all about this. Once I had a moment when I was the

passenger in a car about 2 years ago, I realized the lack of love my mother had

for me, it was so shocking, and I will never forget this moment as long as I

live.

But I want to tell you I also have these fantasies about being super woman for

my family, I want to save them, I want to right the wrongs, protect the little

ones, wash the dirty minds, truth all the lies. I even want to save nada. I

thought all theses things and then some. Some people just want to be villains,

and frankly some people want to be subject to the villains or are just not angry

enough yet to do anything about it. Maybe you could be superwoman

someday…..Maybe we all can….

>

> Thanks for the replies. I don't know if I have my eyes wide open, maybe I do

need to wait a little bit longer. I mean, I just had my first exposure therapy

at work, so maybe I need to work with the BP supervisor a little more time, some

more months, before I would be ready to subject myself to the FOO.

> Maybe handling work, and developing the skills that I need to have to hold my

job with this supervisor is enough for me to handle right now.

> But Ms BP supervisor is really a blessing, because in her being so difficult

it has made me so much stronger!!

> It's hard, but I can finally understand what all the self-help books mean,

when they talk about setting boundaries with a BP and things like that. I never

used to understand that advice, I always got cynical, but now I feel strong

enough, that I think it might be possible.

> I really miss my father and I would like to meet my niece, but I think my last

post here was mainly an expression of euphoria because I handled the meeting

where I had to confront my supervisor about her behaviors, I handled it mostly

well. I could still learn more skills in dealing with a BP, but I got over my

fear. And the fear had really been holding me back for my whole life.

> I am not afraid anymore.

>

> I would like to see my father, but it is a really sad situation, and maybe I

ought to wait a few more months, it's a long trip. And I can predict that it

would be all hyper happiness for the first time, and then nada would steal the

show, and I dread her picking on me for my weight, which has always been

something really difficult for me and she has always harped on it.

> It scares me, I don't know that I really could deal with nada.

> But it also scares me, when I hear bits and pieces about how nada is messing

up my poor nieces. yes, another generation. I had these superwoman fantasies

after the meeting with the BP supervisor... I thought I could go to the FOO and

demonstrate in front of my nieces that there is someone who will stand up to

nada, wierd fantasy right? I guess I wish someone had shown me how to do this a

long time ago. Until I had to deal with Ms BP supervisor, and I got the

encouragement of other people at work who see her as nuts, I didn't know how to

do this. And just the exposure therapy of having to deal with Ms BP at work, I

can see how that has strengthened me greatly, although it really has sucked, and

I still don't know what will happen.

> It also really brings it home. This has been an emotional time for me, that

meeting was really something else. Being NC I could think of nada as far away

from me. Now, I realize it's something I can never escape. The truth of my

life is that I had a crazy mother, and I am still related to all of these

people, and they are still dealing with her. You can't really unrelate yourself

from these people. The way I grew up is part of who I am. BPD is a big part of

my experience. I wish it was something else, sometimes it seems other people

have less difficult problems, but I have no choice but to accept that this is

it. This is my life. My mother is crazy, and I really did grow up with that.

> I know this may sound really obvious, but it's really becoming true to me in a

new way. Does this make any sense??

>

> Hugs

> Walkingto Happiness

>

[Guest guest]

Walkingtohappiness, One more thing, you should be proud and you should be on a

cloud for being a stronger person. Don't let this one thing get you down because

you are still strong! Your nada is the hardest for you to tackle, but you can

tackle other nada's out there! It would be like this, you could deal with my

nada better than I could, and I could deal with your nada better than you could.

But bottom line, we are both pros but your own nada is the biggest button

pusher right?

I am glad for my experiences with my nada. Now I am able to smoothly deal with

people who I never thought I could deal with in a million years and it's not

hard at all! For example, I have lots of neighbors without boundaries and

dealing with nada had taught me much. My neighbor used to send his dog to my

yard to poop, we asked him to stop, he didn't and rarely showed his face

outside. I caught him outside with his dog thankfully on a leash and I shouted

over there " excuse me " he pretended not to hear me! The old me would have let it

go the new me shouted louder and again " excuse me I have something to say! "

until he faced me and walked to me to listen and I calmly said " your dog had

been pooping in my yard, I stepped in it I mowed over it, my kids stepped in it

before jumping in the pool " , He told me " I have been keeping him on a leash now "

I did not back down I said " yes I see and I appreciate this very much but he

still went in my yard. " He said Okay I will watch her. I thanked him and went

inside. The old me would have been afraid to say something simple like this, the

new stronger me can celebrate that I have courage.

Point is, even if you haven't tackled the biggest issue, the small things we do

every day matter just as much if not more! Don't feel discouraged, rather feel

encouraged. The little things matter.

> > >

> > > Hi my friends

> > > I am feeling really confident right now, I feel like I have been NC for

five years to heal myself, but I also have cut off relationships with a lot of

FOO and FOO friends that knew me since childhood, and I am angry that nada has

caused me to isolate myself from all of them

> > > Recently, I stood up to my BP work supervisor (I think she clearly

displays BPD characteristics, and people at work generally consider her

" crazy " ).

> > > I think it's good I've had to deal with her, because I have developed a

host of skills in terms of setting boundaries, holding her accountable, telling

her to breathe and slow down, and pointing out when she doesn't make any sense.

It's not easy, but it feels different than when I used to get hoovered in.

> > > I feel like I have overcome my fear.

> > > I am seriously considering traveling to the city where the FOO lives and

staying in a hotel, and visiting for an afternoon. Maybe two afternoons.

> > > I dont' have many expectations, they are probalby as batty as ever. I

mainly want to meet my nieces for the first time, so they can put a face to my

name, and hopefully they will see me stand up to nada at least once in my new

found strength.

> > > Then I really want to see my father.

> > >

> > > Does anyone have any thoughts, advice, opinions for me? I really do feel

so much stronger since confronting my supervisor recently. I really do feel

like I've overcome my fear and rigidity and the control I extended over

everything in my life. I feel like if I am strong and hold nada accountable at

every turn, she won't mess with me. I feel like this will be different than

being hoovered in.

> > >

> > > I am not going back to get any care love or attention. I am going back to

care for father and the nieces.

> > > I had a breakthrough on the phone with father, which I'll put in another

post.

> > >

> > > HUGS

> > > WAlkingto Happiness

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much, LizzyBoo...

I needed the encouragement, because after my initial excitement last week at how

far I had come, this week was a battle with my work BP. Not a direct

confrontation, but things out of my control were twisted and turned by her, and

the smear campaign is on full force. I proudly can say that I completely

maintained my cool, and sent some documenting emails to key people, and that is

all I can do. I cannot control the BP at work, not can I control nada.

I am just feeling down today, because it was a long week, and I am so glad it's

Friday, but I don't know if work is any easier or less stressful. All I can say

is that I am learning coping mechanisms, and I am no longer afraid, and just

like you, I have learned to speak up and ask for what I need, and most of all,

for me, I have learned to go to other people. I used to be so afraid to speak to

other people, and I am not anymore. I go to other people at work and interact

with them, so Ms BP is just one person among many. Although she is technically

above me, I have learned to go around her.

I don't know if I will be able to keep this job, Ms BP has been there a long

time and she seems to have a lot of people controlled...

But I do know that I have learned a lot of skills. I don't lose my cool anymore

when she goes all Ozzish. I have the confidence that keeps me cool.

I know I am doing all I can within my power, and I guess, it would suck to lose

this job, because all I have done is the best within my power. But, something

else would come along, I guess. And, I can be grateful to this work situation

for knocking me out of my shell of fear and shyness.

Congratulations to you with your neighbor!!! I know exactly what you mean, it

brings tears to my eyes when I think of how many times I have let things go

because I couldn't take up any space. I hope you continue in this path, because

your kids really do not need to be stepping in your messy neighbor's dog poop!

People really do need to be responsible for their dogs.

Anyway, i need to do some self care this weekend, and I thank you for this post,

to remind me to focus on the little things. It really is all in the details.

I guess pretty soon, as much as I don't want to, i need to start applying for

other jobs. It's just so much stress, and my stomach gets upset just thinking

about work, although i do have to say that the exposure therapy of work has

greatly reduced my anxiety levels!!!!!!

I also have been forced to accept the reality that my life will never fully be

free of BP. It just is the reality of my life, the people in my life. I mean,

my own mother has BP. There is no escaping BP for me. It's almost as if there

will always be someone with BP in my life, some kind of way. I just hope I can

build more distance between the BPs and myself, like I am learning to do at

work.

Hugs, and thank you, I am going to take good care of myself this weekend, I hope

you do too!

Walkingto Happiness.

> > > >

> > > > Hi my friends

> > > > I am feeling really confident right now, I feel like I have been NC for

five years to heal myself, but I also have cut off relationships with a lot of

FOO and FOO friends that knew me since childhood, and I am angry that nada has

caused me to isolate myself from all of them

> > > > Recently, I stood up to my BP work supervisor (I think she clearly

displays BPD characteristics, and people at work generally consider her

" crazy " ).

> > > > I think it's good I've had to deal with her, because I have developed a

host of skills in terms of setting boundaries, holding her accountable, telling

her to breathe and slow down, and pointing out when she doesn't make any sense.

It's not easy, but it feels different than when I used to get hoovered in.

> > > > I feel like I have overcome my fear.

> > > > I am seriously considering traveling to the city where the FOO lives and

staying in a hotel, and visiting for an afternoon. Maybe two afternoons.

> > > > I dont' have many expectations, they are probalby as batty as ever. I

mainly want to meet my nieces for the first time, so they can put a face to my

name, and hopefully they will see me stand up to nada at least once in my new

found strength.

> > > > Then I really want to see my father.

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone have any thoughts, advice, opinions for me? I really do

feel so much stronger since confronting my supervisor recently. I really do

feel like I've overcome my fear and rigidity and the control I extended over

everything in my life. I feel like if I am strong and hold nada accountable at

every turn, she won't mess with me. I feel like this will be different than

being hoovered in.

> > > >

> > > > I am not going back to get any care love or attention. I am going back

to care for father and the nieces.

> > > > I had a breakthrough on the phone with father, which I'll put in another

post.

> > > >

> > > > HUGS

> > > > WAlkingto Happiness

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the understanding. I guess it's different now, I'm not just becoming

aware of and emotionally processing events that happened years ago. Although

that was an important part of my process, and I needed to be in a safe place for

my mind to release those painful memories of abuse and trauma, now it's

different.

It's different. I am in a place of deep acceptance, that this is the reality.

That my mother has limitations like most people, and at least I am fully aware

of what they are.

It's an acceptance that releases me from a lot of the hurt, anger and bitterness

I have been carrying with me each day.

It's just so simple, this is the truth of my life, my FOO is a BPD system, and

that's just all there is to it. Nothing more, nothign less, this is reality.

And I am fully aware of what that reality means, as an adult now.

This is how events happened.

That's all.

I no longer am trying to climb that mountaain and get away from it. I fully

accept that this is my reality, without it overtaking my reality either. I am

an adult with my own life, nada can't touch me now. She is who she is, and the

FOO have all made their choices. It is what it is.

I think acceptance is the last stage of grief, that's where I am right now.

Hugs,

Walkingto Happiness

> >

> > Thanks for the replies. I don't know if I have my eyes wide open, maybe I

do need to wait a little bit longer. I mean, I just had my first exposure

therapy at work, so maybe I need to work with the BP supervisor a little more

time, some more months, before I would be ready to subject myself to the FOO.

> > Maybe handling work, and developing the skills that I need to have to hold

my job with this supervisor is enough for me to handle right now.

> > But Ms BP supervisor is really a blessing, because in her being so difficult

it has made me so much stronger!!

> > It's hard, but I can finally understand what all the self-help books mean,

when they talk about setting boundaries with a BP and things like that. I never

used to understand that advice, I always got cynical, but now I feel strong

enough, that I think it might be possible.

> > I really miss my father and I would like to meet my niece, but I think my

last post here was mainly an expression of euphoria because I handled the

meeting where I had to confront my supervisor about her behaviors, I handled it

mostly well. I could still learn more skills in dealing with a BP, but I got

over my fear. And the fear had really been holding me back for my whole life.

> > I am not afraid anymore.

> >

> > I would like to see my father, but it is a really sad situation, and maybe I

ought to wait a few more months, it's a long trip. And I can predict that it

would be all hyper happiness for the first time, and then nada would steal the

show, and I dread her picking on me for my weight, which has always been

something really difficult for me and she has always harped on it.

> > It scares me, I don't know that I really could deal with nada.

> > But it also scares me, when I hear bits and pieces about how nada is messing

up my poor nieces. yes, another generation. I had these superwoman fantasies

after the meeting with the BP supervisor... I thought I could go to the FOO and

demonstrate in front of my nieces that there is someone who will stand up to

nada, wierd fantasy right? I guess I wish someone had shown me how to do this a

long time ago. Until I had to deal with Ms BP supervisor, and I got the

encouragement of other people at work who see her as nuts, I didn't know how to

do this. And just the exposure therapy of having to deal with Ms BP at work, I

can see how that has strengthened me greatly, although it really has sucked, and

I still don't know what will happen.

> > It also really brings it home. This has been an emotional time for me, that

meeting was really something else. Being NC I could think of nada as far away

from me. Now, I realize it's something I can never escape. The truth of my

life is that I had a crazy mother, and I am still related to all of these

people, and they are still dealing with her. You can't really unrelate yourself

from these people. The way I grew up is part of who I am. BPD is a big part of

my experience. I wish it was something else, sometimes it seems other people

have less difficult problems, but I have no choice but to accept that this is

it. This is my life. My mother is crazy, and I really did grow up with that.

> > I know this may sound really obvious, but it's really becoming true to me in

a new way. Does this make any sense??

> >

> > Hugs

> > Walkingto Happiness

> >

>

[Guest guest]

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

>

> Hi my friends

> I am feeling really confident right now, I feel like I have been NC

for five years to heal myself, but I also have cut off relationships

with a lot of FOO and FOO friends that knew me since childhood, and I am

angry that nada has caused me to isolate myself from all of them

> Recently, I stood up to my BP work supervisor (I think she clearly

displays BPD characteristics, and people at work generally consider her

" crazy " ).

> I think it's good I've had to deal with her, because I have developed

a host of skills in terms of setting boundaries, holding her

accountable, telling her to breathe and slow down, and pointing out when

she doesn't make any sense. It's not easy, but it feels different than

when I used to get hoovered in.

> I feel like I have overcome my fear.

> I am seriously considering traveling to the city where the FOO lives

and staying in a hotel, and visiting for an afternoon. Maybe two

afternoons.

> I dont' have many expectations, they are probalby as batty as ever. I

mainly want to meet my nieces for the first time, so they can put a face

to my name, and hopefully they will see me stand up to nada at least

once in my new found strength.

> Then I really want to see my father.

>

> Does anyone have any thoughts, advice, opinions for me? I really do

feel so much stronger since confronting my supervisor recently. I

really do feel like I've overcome my fear and rigidity and the control I

extended over everything in my life. I feel like if I am strong and

hold nada accountable at every turn, she won't mess with me. I feel

like this will be different than being hoovered in.

>

> I am not going back to get any care love or attention. I am going

back to care for father and the nieces.

> I had a breakthrough on the phone with father, which I'll put in

another post.

>

> HUGS

> WAlkingto Happiness

>