Re: So glad I'm not the only one

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

Simply having a name for the problem and knowing that other

people have had similar experiences helps a lot in my

experience. The kind of experiences you describe are common BPD

nada behavior. ( " Nada " is what we call our not-a-mother female

parents.) Not agreeing with them can be a huge problem. My nada

is the type of person who asks for your opinion on something

than gets upset when it doesn't match hers. A few years ago she

flipped out on me because she asked me if I thought the mostly

blue or the mostly green area rug would look better in her

living room and I didn't make the right choice. I've come to

realize that I need to avoid expressing an actual opinion when

asked that type of question. Her way of thinking is the only

right way of thinking, so anyone who doesn't agree is personally

insulting her no matter how inconsequential and unpersonal the

subject matter is.

I'm glad to hear that you're at a point where you can cut off

contact and not feel guilt. Guilt is one of the favorite tools

of nadas and it is hard for a lot of people to not feel guilty

when they start to protect themselves from their nadas and

fadas.

At 06:00 AM 07/05/2010 Michele wrote:

>I'm new to this group, and have already found such comfort in

>reading the few posts I've read so far. It was just a few hours

>ago that I sat here, perplexed and baffled about my mother,

>namely my mother's obvious insanity. Now I know that it has a

>name. Now I know that I'm not the crazy one, like she has led

>me to believe for thirty years. My entire childhood was filled

>with chaos, constant insults, degrading my physical appearance

>was her favorite. She had me hating my father by the time I was

>seven years old, even though he personally never gave me a

>reason to. I believed her and all her lies. And so it went on,

>whoever she hated I also had to hate, and if I didn't want to,

>then she hated me. That's when the fear began creeping in, I

>never knew what repercussions there would be for not agreeing

>with her, or if I didn't listen to her " suggestions, " what the

>consequences would be. She became worse and worse the older I

>got. The breaking point for me was when, after NC for just a

>few weeks, she pulled in my driveway and proceeded to inform me

>that " It would be a disgrace for you to name that kid of yours

>after . " I was pregnant with my daughter, and was my

>deceased sister's name. And so after my daughter was born,

>the threats from my mother escalated, and she even began to

>insult my 2 week old infant. Two weeks later, I had packed my

>things and moved over 600 miles away. She could no longer get

>to me in person, and I refused her phone calls, so she flooded

>my phone with angry text messages. I had the phone turned off.

>I've been away from her for almost two years now, and I have

>never felt better. Even at 28 years old, she had me believing

>that I could not live my life without her. I know now that I

>never needed her, and I have grown into a pretty decent person,

>after I escaped her wrath. Just recently, I had started having

>contact with her again, but not without my guard up. She did

>not disappoint. A month and a half ago, she turned on me again,

>screaming about what a screw-up I am as she hung up the phone.

>And I felt a HUGE sense of relief, because there is no second

>chance for her again. I finally feel free from her and I have

>no regrets except that I should've never let her weasel her way

>back into my life after I moved. All of the anxiety and fear is

>gone. The knowing that I never have to hear her voice or see

>her face is the best feeling in the world, and I don't feel

>guilty about it one bit. I'm free to live my life the way I see

>fit, with my family and my decisions. There is some good that

>did come from all the years of abuse and insanity I endured,and

>that is that I learned exactly how and what NOT to be. Sorry if

>I rambled, but it feels awesome being able to finally get this

>off my chest, to a group of people who " get it. "

>

> Wishing Everyone the Very Best,

> Michele

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Michele,

I'm new to the group too and it feels so good to know there are people out there

who understand what you've gone through. All my life I thought there was

something wrong with me and for the first time after learning what BPD is there

is a ray of hope and a sense of relief, though I am experiencing more grief at

the moment. It sounds like you have already headed in the right direction and

moved on with your life and I'm glad for you.

Blessings,

>

> I'm new to this group, and have already found such comfort in reading the few

posts I've read so far. It was just a few hours ago that I sat here, perplexed

and baffled about my mother, namely my mother's obvious insanity. Now I know

that it has a name. Now I know that I'm not the crazy one, like she has led me

to believe for thirty years. My entire childhood was filled with chaos, constant

insults, degrading my physical appearance was her favorite. She had me hating my

father by the time I was seven years old, even though he personally never gave

me a reason to. I believed her and all her lies. And so it went on, whoever she

hated I also had to hate, and if I didn't want to, then she hated me. That's

when the fear began creeping in, I never knew what repercussions there would be

for not agreeing with her, or if I didn't listen to her " suggestions, " what the

consequences would be. She became worse and worse the older I got. The breaking

point for me was when, after NC for just a few weeks, she pulled in my driveway

and proceeded to inform me that " It would be a disgrace for you to name that kid

of yours after . " I was pregnant with my daughter, and was my deceased

sister's name. And so after my daughter was born, the threats from my

mother escalated, and she even began to insult my 2 week old infant. Two weeks

later, I had packed my things and moved over 600 miles away. She could no longer

get to me in person, and I refused her phone calls, so she flooded my phone with

angry text messages. I had the phone turned off. I've been away from her for

almost two years now, and I have never felt better. Even at 28 years old, she

had me believing that I could not live my life without her. I know now that I

never needed her, and I have grown into a pretty decent person, after I escaped

her wrath. Just recently, I had started having contact with her again, but not

without my guard up. She did not disappoint. A month and a half ago, she turned

on me again, screaming about what a screw-up I am as she hung up the phone. And

I felt a HUGE sense of relief, because there is no second chance for her again.

I finally feel free from her and I have no regrets except that I should've never

let her weasel her way back into my life after I moved. All of the anxiety and

fear is gone. The knowing that I never have to hear her voice or see her face is

the best feeling in the world, and I don't feel guilty about it one bit. I'm

free to live my life the way I see fit, with my family and my decisions. There

is some good that did come from all the years of abuse and insanity I

endured,and that is that I learned exactly how and what NOT to be. Sorry if I

rambled, but it feels awesome being able to finally get this off my chest, to a

group of people who " get it. "

>

> Wishing Everyone the Very Best,

> Michele

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Katrina and .

I've been reading many of the posts here and see my nada in so many of other

people's nada's too. From the reading I have done so far, I've figured that my

nada is the " witch " type. She has done and said so many awful, hateful things to

me for my entire life that even though now I know it's her sickness that caused

it, I still can't muster up any compassion for her. That fizzled out years ago

right along with my ability to tolerate her. I suppose, that in a way, I do feel

somewhat guilty at times, but then I quickly remember that if I give her an

inch, she will take a mile, screaming and calling me names and not hesitating to

let me know that I'd be better off dead the whole way. I remember one time that

I had done " something " to piss her off (breathing, I think it was) and she sent

me a text message that said something like, " You can't do anything right. You

can't even kill yourself right. (she was referring to my failed suicide attempt

years earlier) Why don't you try again and do it right this time? " And I

remember thinking what did I do to deserve all that? It's painful and the scars

run deep, and sometimes I wish that I could try to care about her, but I can't.

It makes me feel as if I am just as cold as her, but worse, because I have a

choice in the matter-nada doesn't. I have such a deep respect for everybody who

still wants contact or has contact with their nada's.

Stay Strong

Michele

> >I'm new to this group, and have already found such comfort in

> >reading the few posts I've read so far. It was just a few hours

> >ago that I sat here, perplexed and baffled about my mother,

> >namely my mother's obvious insanity. Now I know that it has a

> >name. Now I know that I'm not the crazy one, like she has led

> >me to believe for thirty years. My entire childhood was filled

> >with chaos, constant insults, degrading my physical appearance

> >was her favorite. She had me hating my father by the time I was

> >seven years old, even though he personally never gave me a

> >reason to. I believed her and all her lies. And so it went on,

> >whoever she hated I also had to hate, and if I didn't want to,

> >then she hated me. That's when the fear began creeping in, I

> >never knew what repercussions there would be for not agreeing

> >with her, or if I didn't listen to her " suggestions, " what the

> >consequences would be. She became worse and worse the older I

> >got. The breaking point for me was when, after NC for just a

> >few weeks, she pulled in my driveway and proceeded to inform me

> >that " It would be a disgrace for you to name that kid of yours

> >after . " I was pregnant with my daughter, and was my

> >deceased sister's name. And so after my daughter was born,

> >the threats from my mother escalated, and she even began to

> >insult my 2 week old infant. Two weeks later, I had packed my

> >things and moved over 600 miles away. She could no longer get

> >to me in person, and I refused her phone calls, so she flooded

> >my phone with angry text messages. I had the phone turned off.

> >I've been away from her for almost two years now, and I have

> >never felt better. Even at 28 years old, she had me believing

> >that I could not live my life without her. I know now that I

> >never needed her, and I have grown into a pretty decent person,

> >after I escaped her wrath. Just recently, I had started having

> >contact with her again, but not without my guard up. She did

> >not disappoint. A month and a half ago, she turned on me again,

> >screaming about what a screw-up I am as she hung up the phone.

> >And I felt a HUGE sense of relief, because there is no second

> >chance for her again. I finally feel free from her and I have

> >no regrets except that I should've never let her weasel her way

> >back into my life after I moved. All of the anxiety and fear is

> >gone. The knowing that I never have to hear her voice or see

> >her face is the best feeling in the world, and I don't feel

> >guilty about it one bit. I'm free to live my life the way I see

> >fit, with my family and my decisions. There is some good that

> >did come from all the years of abuse and insanity I endured,and

> >that is that I learned exactly how and what NOT to be. Sorry if

> >I rambled, but it feels awesome being able to finally get this

> >off my chest, to a group of people who " get it. "

> >

> > Wishing Everyone the Very Best,

> > Michele

>

> --

> Katrina

>