Guest guest Posted July 6, 2010 Report Share Posted July 6, 2010 Hi I relate to a lot of your post. In our house the temperature was what my BDP mum set it to be and there would be trouble if anyone dared to say they would prefer a different setting on the thermostat. I see it now that my mum could not comprehend that people had needs and sensitivities with regards to temperature that were different to her own. One of the things I learned (and this just shows how much I had to learn when I started to escape her) was that it is to be expected that some people feel hot and cold differently. Previously I thought there was something wrong with me cause I didn't feel what she felt. Both with the temperature and everything else! Nav > > Hi all--another nada memory hit just now. She wouldn't let me have control over the temperature of the house. There was a separate air conditioner in the kids' part of the house. But, even after we were grown, she could not stand for us to have control of the temperature--even though she spent no time there. Time after time, she would march into the kids part of the house, and, in both winter and summer, make it hotter than was comfortable for me. She claimed it was because it cost her too much money to keep it cool. And she shamed me hard, like I was some kind of 'gros' person because I preferred it cooler than her. > > It felt terrible to me and she NEVER got tired of it. It was really terrible. I really hated it. Having complete control over the air conditioning is one thing I truly love about being NC. > > I think this was akin to her obsession over trying to control what food we ate, and when (even after we grew, and my father, as well). Anything over which she had 'control', you can bet she would try and use it to manipulate and force attention for herself. > > Nada was not capable of even one real give and take communication. Literally every word she ever said to me was an attempt to create some result that she wanted. Even good treatment (when it came--rarely) was designed to give her the pleasure of enmeshment and projecting her 'good' qualities onto me--or, if in front of others, of showing them what a 'good' mother she was and that I was 'mean' and wrong for accusing her. She never had an unselfish purpose. Every goal of hers was nefarious. It's sad for me because I've always felt the 'techniques' of learning to deal with bpds would be of no use to me in this regard. She has not one good goal. Literally every word or actions of hers would have to have a consequence; if I were to object and set boundaries for everything objectionable she said, she would not be able to talk at ALL. For, even when she was not focused on me, she would want to harm someone else via gossip and severe denigration, oversexualize something (like a person or a tv show), complain about her woes and mistreatment, brag about how some man 'liked' her or flirted with her (often, of course, a waiter or a priest), dig for info she could use on my siblings or especially their boyfriends/girlfriends, trash my father or trash them for her triangulation purposes. > > Nada has one serious hobby, and I have about three memories of her actually teaching me about it. These are good memories; they were the only times nada ever had conversations with me that were not 100% obsessed with herself. I still retain all she taught me about her hobby. But I see now that even those three times, it was only because she had split me good, and was trying to enmesh and have me 'be' her. > > Oops. This turned into a rant! > > Best, > Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 6, 2010 Report Share Posted July 6, 2010 Rant away, Gharlie. Was your nada my nada? After five years of necessary NC, I think I am going to head back into the dragon's lair to visit those who are still inside. After reading your post, I am sort of having second thoughts. But I will stay in a hotel and rent a car. I do believe she can't touch me now. I do believe I am safe from the monster, oops, momster HUGS Walkingto Happiness > > Hi all--another nada memory hit just now. She wouldn't let me have control over the temperature of the house. There was a separate air conditioner in the kids' part of the house. But, even after we were grown, she could not stand for us to have control of the temperature--even though she spent no time there. Time after time, she would march into the kids part of the house, and, in both winter and summer, make it hotter than was comfortable for me. She claimed it was because it cost her too much money to keep it cool. And she shamed me hard, like I was some kind of 'gros' person because I preferred it cooler than her. > > It felt terrible to me and she NEVER got tired of it. It was really terrible. I really hated it. Having complete control over the air conditioning is one thing I truly love about being NC. > > I think this was akin to her obsession over trying to control what food we ate, and when (even after we grew, and my father, as well). Anything over which she had 'control', you can bet she would try and use it to manipulate and force attention for herself. > > Nada was not capable of even one real give and take communication. Literally every word she ever said to me was an attempt to create some result that she wanted. Even good treatment (when it came--rarely) was designed to give her the pleasure of enmeshment and projecting her 'good' qualities onto me--or, if in front of others, of showing them what a 'good' mother she was and that I was 'mean' and wrong for accusing her. She never had an unselfish purpose. Every goal of hers was nefarious. It's sad for me because I've always felt the 'techniques' of learning to deal with bpds would be of no use to me in this regard. She has not one good goal. Literally every word or actions of hers would have to have a consequence; if I were to object and set boundaries for everything objectionable she said, she would not be able to talk at ALL. For, even when she was not focused on me, she would want to harm someone else via gossip and severe denigration, oversexualize something (like a person or a tv show), complain about her woes and mistreatment, brag about how some man 'liked' her or flirted with her (often, of course, a waiter or a priest), dig for info she could use on my siblings or especially their boyfriends/girlfriends, trash my father or trash them for her triangulation purposes. > > Nada has one serious hobby, and I have about three memories of her actually teaching me about it. These are good memories; they were the only times nada ever had conversations with me that were not 100% obsessed with herself. I still retain all she taught me about her hobby. But I see now that even those three times, it was only because she had split me good, and was trying to enmesh and have me 'be' her. > > Oops. This turned into a rant! > > Best, > Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 OMG. I can't believe you wrote that. My mother did the same exact thing with the temp in the house. That's just soooo weird. She kept it so freaking hot that my kids would cry if we went over there! It was crazy. She also would never let me drive her car and would never ride in a car with me. She claimed her insurance didn't cover anyone to drive her car or cover her if she got into an accident in someone else's car. @@ <--- this is me, rolling my eyes. She also claimed she could never move out of state because her health insurance would be cut off (she had a policy through my dad's retirement). They are so ri.dic.u.lous. air conditioning Hi all--another nada memory hit just now. She wouldn't let me have control over the temperature of the house. There was a separate air conditioner in the kids' part of the house. But, even after we were grown, she could not stand for us to have control of the temperature--even though she spent no time there. Time after time, she would march into the kids part of the house, and, in both winter and summer, make it hotter than was comfortable for me. She claimed it was because it cost her too much money to keep it cool. And she shamed me hard, like I was some kind of 'gros' person because I preferred it cooler than her. It felt terrible to me and she NEVER got tired of it. It was really terrible. I really hated it. Having complete control over the air conditioning is one thing I truly love about being NC. I think this was akin to her obsession over trying to control what food we ate, and when (even after we grew, and my father, as well). Anything over which she had 'control', you can bet she would try and use it to manipulate and force attention for herself. Nada was not capable of even one real give and take communication. Literally every word she ever said to me was an attempt to create some result that she wanted. Even good treatment (when it came--rarely) was designed to give her the pleasure of enmeshment and projecting her 'good' qualities onto me--or, if in front of others, of showing them what a 'good' mother she was and that I was 'mean' and wrong for accusing her. She never had an unselfish purpose. Every goal of hers was nefarious. It's sad for me because I've always felt the 'techniques' of learning to deal with bpds would be of no use to me in this regard. She has not one good goal. Literally every word or actions of hers would have to have a consequence; if I were to object and set boundaries for everything objectionable she said, she would not be able to talk at ALL. For, even when she was not focused on me, she would want to harm someone else via gossip and severe denigration, oversexualize something (like a person or a tv show), complain about her woes and mistreatment, brag about how some man 'liked' her or flirted with her (often, of course, a waiter or a priest), dig for info she could use on my siblings or especially their boyfriends/girlfriends, trash my father or trash them for her triangulation purposes. Nada has one serious hobby, and I have about three memories of her actually teaching me about it. These are good memories; they were the only times nada ever had conversations with me that were not 100% obsessed with herself. I still retain all she taught me about her hobby. But I see now that even those three times, it was only because she had split me good, and was trying to enmesh and have me 'be' her. Oops. This turned into a rant! Best, Charlie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 Oh gosh yes, I remember the A/C woes. My nada installed a window air conditioning unit in her bedroom and shut the doors. So the rest of the house was baking and her room was cool. Afterall, she's the only one that matters in the family, right? > > Hi all--another nada memory hit just now. She wouldn't let me have control over the temperature of the house. There was a separate air conditioner in the kids' part of the house. But, even after we were grown, she could not stand for us to have control of the temperature--even though she spent no time there. Time after time, she would march into the kids part of the house, and, in both winter and summer, make it hotter than was comfortable for me. She claimed it was because it cost her too much money to keep it cool. And she shamed me hard, like I was some kind of 'gros' person because I preferred it cooler than her. > > It felt terrible to me and she NEVER got tired of it. It was really terrible. I really hated it. Having complete control over the air conditioning is one thing I truly love about being NC. > > I think this was akin to her obsession over trying to control what food we ate, and when (even after we grew, and my father, as well). Anything over which she had 'control', you can bet she would try and use it to manipulate and force attention for herself. > > Nada was not capable of even one real give and take communication. Literally every word she ever said to me was an attempt to create some result that she wanted. Even good treatment (when it came--rarely) was designed to give her the pleasure of enmeshment and projecting her 'good' qualities onto me--or, if in front of others, of showing them what a 'good' mother she was and that I was 'mean' and wrong for accusing her. She never had an unselfish purpose. Every goal of hers was nefarious. It's sad for me because I've always felt the 'techniques' of learning to deal with bpds would be of no use to me in this regard. She has not one good goal. Literally every word or actions of hers would have to have a consequence; if I were to object and set boundaries for everything objectionable she said, she would not be able to talk at ALL. For, even when she was not focused on me, she would want to harm someone else via gossip and severe denigration, oversexualize something (like a person or a tv show), complain about her woes and mistreatment, brag about how some man 'liked' her or flirted with her (often, of course, a waiter or a priest), dig for info she could use on my siblings or especially their boyfriends/girlfriends, trash my father or trash them for her triangulation purposes. > > Nada has one serious hobby, and I have about three memories of her actually teaching me about it. These are good memories; they were the only times nada ever had conversations with me that were not 100% obsessed with herself. I still retain all she taught me about her hobby. But I see now that even those three times, it was only because she had split me good, and was trying to enmesh and have me 'be' her. > > Oops. This turned into a rant! > > Best, > Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 this paragraph really struck me: " She has not one good goal. Literally every word or actions of hers would have to have a consequence; if I were to object and set boundaries for everything objectionable she said, she would not be able to talk at ALL. For, even when she was not focused on me, she would want to harm someone else via gossip and severe denigration, oversexualize something (like a person or a tv show), complain about her woes and mistreatment, brag about how some man 'liked' her or flirted with her (often, of course, a waiter or a priest), dig for info she could use on my siblings or especially their boyfriends/girlfriends, trash my father or trash them for her triangulation purposes " that is my dad in a nutshell. it's the most ridiculous thing. my dad interacts in ways that are very typically 'female' in the sense of gossip/triangulation/distortion campaigns, etc. he slanders people horribly every day of his life, mostly his children. he thinks nothing of saying terrible things to each of us about the others, it's really weird. to hear him tell it we are the worst reprobates that ever walked the earth even though we all have jobs and have never been to jail or anything. we are typical, boring, law-abiding people, yet he talks about us like we are dogs. I can't help but wonder after reading your post what causes this frenetic, compulsive, constant over-compensation...it almost seems like it would have to be chemical, like a problem with misfiring in the brain, rather than just emotional because it is so frequent it is hard to understand how someone could have a default setting of emotionally disturbed and not be institutionalized. I can definitely relate. My dad is an artist so he does have the graphic arts talent and that is his 'hobby' I suppose, he also has a green thumb and can grow anything. But that constant over-arching negativity and bitterness is just so bizarre, I picked up alot of that behavior and I'm sad to admit it really did do damage to my life for many years until I figured out it isn't normal to behave that way, it took far too long for me to see the light about this stuff. > > Hi all--another nada memory hit just now. She wouldn't let me have control over the temperature of the house. There was a separate air conditioner in the kids' part of the house. But, even after we were grown, she could not stand for us to have control of the temperature--even though she spent no time there. Time after time, she would march into the kids part of the house, and, in both winter and summer, make it hotter than was comfortable for me. She claimed it was because it cost her too much money to keep it cool. And she shamed me hard, like I was some kind of 'gros' person because I preferred it cooler than her. > > It felt terrible to me and she NEVER got tired of it. It was really terrible. I really hated it. Having complete control over the air conditioning is one thing I truly love about being NC. > > I think this was akin to her obsession over trying to control what food we ate, and when (even after we grew, and my father, as well). Anything over which she had 'control', you can bet she would try and use it to manipulate and force attention for herself. > > Nada was not capable of even one real give and take communication. Literally every word she ever said to me was an attempt to create some result that she wanted. Even good treatment (when it came--rarely) was designed to give her the pleasure of enmeshment and projecting her 'good' qualities onto me--or, if in front of others, of showing them what a 'good' mother she was and that I was 'mean' and wrong for accusing her. She never had an unselfish purpose. Every goal of hers was nefarious. It's sad for me because I've always felt the 'techniques' of learning to deal with bpds would be of no use to me in this regard. She has not one good goal. Literally every word or actions of hers would have to have a consequence; if I were to object and set boundaries for everything objectionable she said, she would not be able to talk at ALL. For, even when she was not focused on me, she would want to harm someone else via gossip and severe denigration, oversexualize something (like a person or a tv show), complain about her woes and mistreatment, brag about how some man 'liked' her or flirted with her (often, of course, a waiter or a priest), dig for info she could use on my siblings or especially their boyfriends/girlfriends, trash my father or trash them for her triangulation purposes. > > Nada has one serious hobby, and I have about three memories of her actually teaching me about it. These are good memories; they were the only times nada ever had conversations with me that were not 100% obsessed with herself. I still retain all she taught me about her hobby. But I see now that even those three times, it was only because she had split me good, and was trying to enmesh and have me 'be' her. > > Oops. This turned into a rant! > > Best, > Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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