Re: Re: The Trouble with Father's Day

June 20, 2010

And Mother's Day, too.

For weeks the TV and newspaper ads have been ramping it up. Buy Dad a

$500 TV! Buy Mom a diamond bracelet!

Whoa, say what?

And therein lies a big problem. A normal, psychologically healthy

father or mother realizes that it is the way you treat mom and dad

throughout the year that counts. They don't expect expensive gifts,

long-distance travel, over the top displays of affection on what is

essentially a Hallmark holiday.

The Nadas and Fadas, however, are a different kettle of fish. In their

-well, crazy for lack of a better word - minds, they not only expect

this but see it as an insult if they don't get it.

Sent from my blueberry.

On Jun 20, 2010, at 12:40 PM, " amethystwomoon " <AmethystWomoon@...

> wrote:

> OMG. I never saw this thread. Before I posted about father's day, I

> decided to do a search and see if anyone else had. (I get things in

> digest form and I am a few weeks behind in reading some.)

>

> shelly, you have posted almost my exact story. I hate hate hate

> mother's and father's day and trying to find cards! " Thanks for your

> love " NOPE! " thanks for the memories " always makes me snicker. I

> pick up cards, read and shiver and put them back. this year, the

> first year and week 4 of very limited contact. (No contact on my

> part) I don't know what to do. I have been dreading today for weeks.

> I sent a card the other day but I am pretty sure he won't get it

> till tomorrow. which means if I don't call, I will be seen as

> " drawing a line in the sand " . ME not calling - even tho he told me 4

> weeks ago " if you don't make believe this event with your mother

> never happened, you are out of the family for the rest of your

> life. " ...even tho HE said that to me on the phone - and she of

> course had to repeat it then add her own ugliness to it before I

> hung up - I have to call.

>

> why do I feel like I have to call? Why at the age of 55 am I back to

> the 4 yo who is scared to death of mommy? For the last 4 weeks, I

> know she has been alternately crying uncontrollably and raging and

> all at my father since he is the only one around. They live 800

> miles from any family member at this point and they only have each

> other. Of course with him, the more he has to put up with her, the

> more angry he gets at " whoever is causing her behavior " . So, even

> tho it's father's day, and I can literally NEVER speak to him

> between father's days - if I don't call after 4 weeks of LC, it will

> be turned into the rest of their lives even just for spite.

>

> I know in their minds if I don't call today, " I " and saying I never

> want to speak to them ever again. black and white.

>

> YET, the other day she called and I answered the phone. My aunt (her

> sister) had surgery. She called to tell me that my aunt was doing ok

> - 3 days postop. I told her that I knew, that I had been in touch

> with my cousin and had even spoken to my aunt myself then said " I

> have been checking in with them " . Her snarly, angry and hostile

> response was " Well, it would be nice if you checked in with US on

> occasion. " (I am sure you can all say that exactly the way I heard

> it!) I think she just can't help herself sometimes. and well

> today...I don't want to open the floodgates or have father's day re-

> initiate communication if I am not ready - and believe me I AM NOT

> READY.

>

> So what do we do? I don't text and neither do they. I sent a card

> but I am pretty sure I didn't get it out in time and even if I did,

> " the call " is the determining factor. For her. not for him. but she

> will rant about me NOT calling until he gets mad at me for NOT

> calling because it made her rant - not because he cared. I can't

> email to him cause he doesn't do computers only her. she would even

> be libel to read it, delete it and NOT tell him I had emailed and

> THEN rant about me not calling - she is nearly blind and uses that

> as her excuse for " not seeing things " when it's convenient. (of

> course, she still drives!) You know how you can see the behavior

> even before it happens?

>

> I am tired of her crying or her anger running my emotions.

>

> I don't know what to do. meanwhile, the guilt is eating me up. has

> been this whole week. I just can't stand the thought of her abusing

> me today. I just can't do it. instead, I am beating myself up and

> not sure that feels any better.

>

> I hate father's day. I hate mother's day. always have. today esp. I

> am on week 4 of no contact. I don't want this to be a lifelong

> decision - and not calling today could cause that.

>

> or am I now being the drama queen? harrummmpphh. ame

>

> BTW, I discovered father's day cards from " friends " this year. found

> one that said " relax and enjoy father's day " . that was it. nothing

> about how great thou art! lol. I will be checking the " friends "

> section for mother's day next year for sure!

>

> maybe an email...explaining why I don't want to call? I lose either

> way so I may as well not call huh?

>

> " cocochanel1005 " wrote:

>

> I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day

> this year. .....Since then we have been NC. I certainly haven't made

> an effort to make contact but on her part I can just imagine her

> rage-ing this whole time. ...

>

> So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I

> never talk on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10

> min a day. I can't decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home

> and having my family really pissed at me, or calling home and re-

> introducing communication.

>

June 20, 2010

The trouble with writing emails on an iPhone, lol, is bumping send.

Anyway, what I was going to say is that I am not offering any

solutions as I am not experienced in the world of bpd parents

management, but don't beat yourselves up too much over what Fada or

Nada does in reaction to their " special day. "

Just my fifty cents. (inflation at work)