Even on her deathbed her BPD shines through

July 1, 2010

I really am about to lose it. Monday I was at work and I get a call from a

Hospice nurse. She told me nada was actively dying and that she may only have a

few hours left. So I dropped everything and left from work to nada's house, 3.5

hours away. She's non-responsive and only breathing 4 breaths per minute at that

time. I thought, this is it. I held her hand, told her I love her and forgive

her, that it's OK to go. Now excuse me for being cold here. but that b*$^ & is

still alive and it's freaking Thursday. The caretaker and I have been taking

turns with a 24h vigil by her bedside, making sure she's not suffering. (you

know, tunring her to prevent bed sores, giving her her morphine etc.) Her body

is obviously done. WHY is she still hanging on? I personally believe it's her

spirit fighting the death tooth and nail because she's scared. She has told me

many times she's scared to die. I told her it was OK, that her sins are

forgiven, which I do believe that. But it's just like nada to linger on b/c she

has never been brave. I know I sound horrible, but I don't now how much longer I

can do this. I am exhausted, 15w pregnant and my stomach is cramping like crazy.

I miss my baby girl at home. Luckily, she and my husband will be joining me

today so that will make it easier for me. I know it's only been a few days but I

am so ANGRY with nada. She has made this whole process a nightmare before she

was actually sick. I have nothing left!!! Pls die and leave me in peace! I know

I am being selfish but I am so tapped out. And you know what, when she dies I

truly believe she will be at peace for the 1st time in her entire life.

Please*just*die*already. Hospice has been a life saver and truly wonderful and

for that I am so greatful. When I first got here I was full of feelings of good

will and love towards my mom- now she's just nada again. Maybe that makes me a

bad person. But I am just being honest. I am at my wit's end. It's just like her

to drag this out. The hospice nurse was shocked she's still hanging on. It's my

turn to sit with her but I just can't right now. Thanks for listening, I really

needed to vent.

Recommended Posts