Re: Narcissistic nada or me?

[Guest guest]

Hi Irene,

It's definitely NOT you.

My mother says things like that to everyone, known or unknown to her: " she takes

care of me " ; or, " ever since my husband died, she's been taking care of me. "

It upsets me. You'd think it would make me happy, but it's as though she refuses

to put any thought into her future, what SHE wants.

She doesn't say those things as much now that I don't drop everything to serve

her; my brother is her new favorite. Oh well!

It sounds like you have a good, restricted routine with her, something you can

both live with.

Fiona

>

> I must say I've made a lot of progress recently in learning how to cope with

my nada. It's still pretty new to me but I feel better about how I interact with

her. But I still go over twice a week to run errands, take her to the doctor,

whatever. Mostly I tune out most of what she says. Today I'm not sure if I was

too aware and over-reacting or if she's really this self-centered all the time.

Maybe I'm reading too much into her comments. Examples:

>

> She had to take her garbage can out to the curb yesterday for today's pickup.

She was complaining to me about how she struggled to get it out there (it's on

wheels and a short walk from her garage to the curb). She was mad because none

of her neighbors came out to help her.

>

> Sometimes I will take something over that might interest her: a magazine I

bought, a cool t-shirt I found at Goodwill or a cross stitch item I made. Today

I took over a cute little item I stitched. She said, " You're not giving that to

anyone are you? They won't appreciate it. " I said I didn't know yet what I was

going to do. I'd thought about making it into a card. She then said, " Well, make

it into something nice and give it to me. Then when I die, you can have it back

again. "

>

> We stopped by a quilt store so I could check to see if they had a particular

pattern that I wanted. I was talking to the woman that works there. All of a

sudden my Mom interrupts and said, " She comes over here to see me and take care

of me. "

>

> Last thing: she was mad at the mailman. Yesterday there was a substitute

mailman and he came early. My Mom saw his truck, toddled out the front door to

get the mail. Instead of putting it inside the locking mailbox that she has, he

called out and said he would just set it on top for her. She got teed off

because he didn't get out of his truck and hand deliver it to her. He drove off

instead.

>

> Maybe I'm just being weird but I think she's expecting way too much from

people.

>

[Guest guest]

Well, those sound like narcissistic tendencies to me, but I'm not a mental

health professional (I'm not even a very good layperson... yet!) Of course,

being self-centered doesn't make anyone a narcissist, and these are kind of all

labels... what really matters is how the behavior affects you and how you

react/respond to it. I also think that part of BPD is being egocentric: either

it's all about me and what I deserve/need/etc or it's all about you and what

you've done to ME!

What really stood out to me in your post was the anecdote about taking out the

trash. I hope this isn't horrible of me to say, but I just wanted to... laugh!

To me, it sounds so ridiculously self-centered that it's funny. My Nada has the

SAME attitude to life, and eventually I just learned to be validating on the

phone and have a good laugh with myself afterward. She gets ticked off when she

doesn't get special treatment or special service, be it customer service (she

complains a lot) or college applications... I used to be so upset and

embarrassed when my Nada went on one of her narcissistic tirades (public or

private), but then I went to college and started talking about the anecdotes

that really bothered me, and people laughed. I wasn't trying to be funny, and I

was genuinely upset and concerned. I wasn't trying to make my Nada look " bad " or

" ridiculous " and I was usually just trying to ask friends for advice. I realized

that sometimes Nadas are absolutely ridiculous, and when you get enough distance

between you/ your emotions and the event/ her emotions, the stories can be

really, REALLY funny (sad as it is that they happen).

To share... when I was applying to college, my Nada didn't help ONE BIT! Some

forms (financial ones, for example) clearly stated " for the parent. " She gave me

her SSN and permission to forge her signature. Then when SHE applied to fashion

school, she wanted my help with the application. Of course, as she put it, she

didn't need to go to fashion school because her designs were so brilliant, but

she wanted to make the connections and build better marketing and hands-on

skills (her stitching is really shoddy... she used to rope me into finishing

hems for her when she got bored). She asked me to look over her college essay

because I worked as a writing tutor at my high school and worked with a LOT of

seniors on college essays. It was so bad that I wanted to cry!!! She made every

mistake in the book, so I marked it up (constructive criticism) and gave some

comments. She was out shopping while I did this, so I called her to let her know

that I was ready to go over it with her whenever she wanted to come home. She

said, " can't YOU just make the changes? " The essay needed so much work that it

practically needed to be rewritten, so I said no. She came home, gave it a tiny

edit, and asked me to look it over again. It was better, but still needed work.

I told her that the edits really made the essay stronger, and pointed out areas

for growth and content relevance stuff. I offered to touch up her grammar and

spelling when she was done, but she said she didn't want to work on it anymore,

so she was going to send it in. I tried to explain how important the essay was,

but she said " oh, no it's not, well, not for ME. I'm special, they'll know who I

am, and they won't even have to read my application. " Needless to say they

rejected her.

Oh Nadas... painful, devastating, and sometimes hilarious.

>

> I must say I've made a lot of progress recently in learning how to cope with

my nada. It's still pretty new to me but I feel better about how I interact with

her. But I still go over twice a week to run errands, take her to the doctor,

whatever. Mostly I tune out most of what she says. Today I'm not sure if I was

too aware and over-reacting or if she's really this self-centered all the time.

Maybe I'm reading too much into her comments. Examples:

>

> She had to take her garbage can out to the curb yesterday for today's pickup.

She was complaining to me about how she struggled to get it out there (it's on

wheels and a short walk from her garage to the curb). She was mad because none

of her neighbors came out to help her.

>

> Sometimes I will take something over that might interest her: a magazine I

bought, a cool t-shirt I found at Goodwill or a cross stitch item I made. Today

I took over a cute little item I stitched. She said, " You're not giving that to

anyone are you? They won't appreciate it. " I said I didn't know yet what I was

going to do. I'd thought about making it into a card. She then said, " Well, make

it into something nice and give it to me. Then when I die, you can have it back

again. "

>

> We stopped by a quilt store so I could check to see if they had a particular

pattern that I wanted. I was talking to the woman that works there. All of a

sudden my Mom interrupts and said, " She comes over here to see me and take care

of me. "

>

> Last thing: she was mad at the mailman. Yesterday there was a substitute

mailman and he came early. My Mom saw his truck, toddled out the front door to

get the mail. Instead of putting it inside the locking mailbox that she has, he

called out and said he would just set it on top for her. She got teed off

because he didn't get out of his truck and hand deliver it to her. He drove off

instead.

>

> Maybe I'm just being weird but I think she's expecting way too much from

people.

>

[Guest guest]

Yep Irene sounds like your nada's got a lot of narcissism...doesn't mean she

isn't also borderline though. To me the essence of narcissism is that what they

want is the most important thing in the world and they literally can't conceive

of the other person's individuality or different needs/wants *at all*. Others

are to be of service to them. The borderline part to me is more about the

splitting and the lack of emotional control, the more childlike aspects.

Here's a narcissism story of my nada. She'd been ill and was back from the

hospital, able to move around but pretty weak. I was cleaning her whole house

which was a massive amount of work but desperately needed. I had just come into

the room obviously working hard all sweaty and frazzled. And she tells me " oh

you should pick that up! " pointing to a remote that had fallen on the floor

just a few feet from her that was closer to her than me. She had already been

expressing a bare minimum of appreciation for the hard work I was doing, but

even the smallest effort on her part wasn't worth making. And even the greatest

effort on my part was worth expecting. And that's narcissism...

>

> I must say I've made a lot of progress recently in learning how to cope with

my nada. It's still pretty new to me but I feel better about how I interact with

her. But I still go over twice a week to run errands, take her to the doctor,

whatever. Mostly I tune out most of what she says. Today I'm not sure if I was

too aware and over-reacting or if she's really this self-centered all the time.

Maybe I'm reading too much into her comments. Examples:

>

> She had to take her garbage can out to the curb yesterday for today's pickup.

She was complaining to me about how she struggled to get it out there (it's on

wheels and a short walk from her garage to the curb). She was mad because none

of her neighbors came out to help her.

>

> Sometimes I will take something over that might interest her: a magazine I

bought, a cool t-shirt I found at Goodwill or a cross stitch item I made. Today

I took over a cute little item I stitched. She said, " You're not giving that to

anyone are you? They won't appreciate it. " I said I didn't know yet what I was

going to do. I'd thought about making it into a card. She then said, " Well, make

it into something nice and give it to me. Then when I die, you can have it back

again. "

>

> We stopped by a quilt store so I could check to see if they had a particular

pattern that I wanted. I was talking to the woman that works there. All of a

sudden my Mom interrupts and said, " She comes over here to see me and take care

of me. "

>

> Last thing: she was mad at the mailman. Yesterday there was a substitute

mailman and he came early. My Mom saw his truck, toddled out the front door to

get the mail. Instead of putting it inside the locking mailbox that she has, he

called out and said he would just set it on top for her. She got teed off

because he didn't get out of his truck and hand deliver it to her. He drove off

instead.

>

> Maybe I'm just being weird but I think she's expecting way too much from

people.

>

[Guest guest]

I want to thank all of you that replied to me. Not sure how to do that but

perhaps each of you will see this. I enjoyed hearing your stories too. I agree,

that after the fact it's easier to laugh about what's going on. At the moment

it's happening, it's just annoying. My Mom also claims she's " special. " We go to

a restaurant and she tells the waitress they have to treat her special because

she has needs. She also thinks she's gifted. She says she just knows things.

Then why can't she figure out how to use the phone?

It would be so fun to sit around with a cup of coffee or tea and share stories.

But I know we have to let it go and get on with our own lives. I just question

my own perception of things at times. Maybe I'm being too harsh or critical. I

always treat her with respect and just keep my snarky thoughts to myself.

Have a good day all.