Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 Good for you though MY, it sounds like you are very aware of your feelings and even when you've lost awareness you are aware enough to know that you've lost awareness. Awesome...I think that's a real accomplishment. And yes, I can relate to still having those reactions even when my nada isn't even doing that much. Unfortunately all those sense memories are there - tone of voice, sight, etc. - even when they are on their best behavior. I wish it were possible to just wipe the slate clean sometimes. > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six months. > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was really not > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things considered > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because nada is > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - she is > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is barely > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much the > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from nada I've > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or what is > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not attach the > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I was just > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety being shed > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was feeling > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this strong > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor health. > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past visits - > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some progress, > but obviously have a long way to go. > > MY > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 MY, I truly understand what you are saying. Just spending time around my mother, even when she didn't do anything or say anything horrible, somehow put me into a state of anxiety and depression, not to mention mental confusion and fuzziness. Now she's in the nursing home and her mind is gone, along with most of the bpd behaviors, yet I am what I describe as " shattered " after even a short visit. A coping mechanism I use is to come home and immediately strip off my clothes and put them in the laundry, and shower. Her energy is still so negative that being with her makes me feel grubby. She has sticky chi. Psychologically and spiritually, I feel as if I am washing away her hold on my emotional state when I do this. Amazing, isn't it, how our rational minds can understand that it's them, not us, yet they still affect us this way? Em Sent from my blueberry. > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > months. > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > really not > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > considered > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > nada is > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > she is > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > barely > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > the > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > nada I've > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > what is > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > attach the > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > was just > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > being shed > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > feeling > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > strong > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > health. > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > visits - > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > progress, > but obviously have a long way to go. > > MY > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 I agree with all of you that there is something unnaturally intense about the kindof pain that a nada causes. Normally pain and suffering tend to serve a function, and after they are over, there is a certain kind of cleansing (think, feeling better after crying, or learning to grieve a loved one in a healthy way, or even healing from a physical injury). But whenever the pain is nada-related, something seems WRONG. It does NOT resolve. It's almost like she has impaled me, on a stake or a sword, and I'm just stuck there. For me, the only think that has helped is NC, combined with spiritual and deep work (therapy, this board, etc). But it still feels like a substitute for the way that pain is supposed to naturally be resolved. Even just a few emails with family members, not nada, over the past week, left me almost completely incapacitated for many days, having to devote hours and hours and hours to just trying to figure out how to make the pain stop. The spiritual aspect of the damage that nadas inflict seems to me a crime against nature of the most heinous variety. --Charlie > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > > months. > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > > really not > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > > considered > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > > nada is > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > > she is > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > > barely > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > > the > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > > nada I've > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > > what is > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > > attach the > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > > was just > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > > being shed > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > > feeling > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > > strong > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > > health. > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > > visits - > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > > progress, > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > MY > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 I loved your post! I can so relate to the years of pain inflicted by NADA I kept trying to fix me & her to make it better. NC or LC is the best for me too. The emotional scare run deep in me. How could you not know that you were inflicting this on your child whom you are suppose to love and care for? Baffles me so? I am healing from the pain slowly! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wed, July 7, 2010 1:02:05 PM Subject: Re: weekend with nada  I agree with all of you that there is something unnaturally intense about the kindof pain that a nada causes. Normally pain and suffering tend to serve a function, and after they are over, there is a certain kind of cleansing (think, feeling better after crying, or learning to grieve a loved one in a healthy way, or even healing from a physical injury). But whenever the pain is nada-related, something seems WRONG. It does NOT resolve. It's almost like she has impaled me, on a stake or a sword, and I'm just stuck there. For me, the only think that has helped is NC, combined with spiritual and deep work (therapy, this board, etc). But it still feels like a substitute for the way that pain is supposed to naturally be resolved. Even just a few emails with family members, not nada, over the past week, left me almost completely incapacitated for many days, having to devote hours and hours and hours to just trying to figure out how to make the pain stop. The spiritual aspect of the damage that nadas inflict seems to me a crime against nature of the most heinous variety. --Charlie > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > > months. > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > > really not > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > > considered > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > > nada is > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > > she is > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > > barely > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > > the > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > > nada I've > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > > what is > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > > attach the > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > > was just > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > > being shed > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > > feeling > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > > strong > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > > health. > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > > visits - > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > > progress, > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > MY > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 Yes, I agree too. Their pain is unnaturally intense. As if they're stuck being a 2 year old and having a temper tantrum. I welcome all the temper tantrums from a 2 year old but when it's an adult it's a different story. It seems that they didn't pass that emotional maturity in their childhood. Not emotional helaing, emotional maturity. And well with a brain of an adult they can be sooooooo destructive. Sometimes I think they're so overwhelmed with their negative emotions that they'll project the same amount pain to others, preferably their helpless children. .. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wed, July 7, 2010 11:02:05 AM Subject: Re: weekend with nada  I agree with all of you that there is something unnaturally intense about the kindof pain that a nada causes. Normally pain and suffering tend to serve a function, and after they are over, there is a certain kind of cleansing (think, feeling better after crying, or learning to grieve a loved one in a healthy way, or even healing from a physical injury). But whenever the pain is nada-related, something seems WRONG. It does NOT resolve. It's almost like she has impaled me, on a stake or a sword, and I'm just stuck there. For me, the only think that has helped is NC, combined with spiritual and deep work (therapy, this board, etc). But it still feels like a substitute for the way that pain is supposed to naturally be resolved. Even just a few emails with family members, not nada, over the past week, left me almost completely incapacitated for many days, having to devote hours and hours and hours to just trying to figure out how to make the pain stop. The spiritual aspect of the damage that nadas inflict seems to me a crime against nature of the most heinous variety. --Charlie > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > > months. > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > > really not > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > > considered > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > > nada is > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > > she is > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > > barely > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > > the > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > > nada I've > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > > what is > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > > attach the > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > > was just > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > > being shed > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > > feeling > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > > strong > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > > health. > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > > visits - > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > > progress, > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > MY > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 My brother just called he is finally fed up with nada. She ordered $100 worth of makeup and expected him to pay and pick it up for her. (Rescuing) He set a boundary said no and she didn't like it of course.   We have spent so much $ resuing her over the years. because that is what good kids do for their nada B/S After reading eggshells and surviving the bpd parent it all made so much sense. I really hate her.  ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wed, July 7, 2010 2:36:10 PM Subject: Re: Re: weekend with nada  Yes, I agree too. Their pain is unnaturally intense. As if they're stuck being a 2 year old and having a temper tantrum. I welcome all the temper tantrums from a 2 year old but when it's an adult it's a different story. It seems that they didn't pass that emotional maturity in their childhood. Not emotional helaing, emotional maturity. And well with a brain of an adult they can be sooooooo destructive. Sometimes I think they're so overwhelmed with their negative emotions that they'll project the same amount pain to others, preferably their helpless children. .. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wed, July 7, 2010 11:02:05 AM Subject: Re: weekend with nada  I agree with all of you that there is something unnaturally intense about the kindof pain that a nada causes. Normally pain and suffering tend to serve a function, and after they are over, there is a certain kind of cleansing (think, feeling better after crying, or learning to grieve a loved one in a healthy way, or even healing from a physical injury). But whenever the pain is nada-related, something seems WRONG. It does NOT resolve. It's almost like she has impaled me, on a stake or a sword, and I'm just stuck there. For me, the only think that has helped is NC, combined with spiritual and deep work (therapy, this board, etc). But it still feels like a substitute for the way that pain is supposed to naturally be resolved. Even just a few emails with family members, not nada, over the past week, left me almost completely incapacitated for many days, having to devote hours and hours and hours to just trying to figure out how to make the pain stop. The spiritual aspect of the damage that nadas inflict seems to me a crime against nature of the most heinous variety. --Charlie > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > > months. > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > > really not > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > > considered > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > > nada is > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > > she is > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > > barely > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > > the > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > > nada I've > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > > what is > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > > attach the > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > > was just > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > > being shed > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > > feeling > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > > strong > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > > health. > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > > visits - > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > > progress, > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > MY > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 My nada is also in a nursing home. still manipulative though. I am in a funk for the day when I visit. better for me to be lc or nc. ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Wed, July 7, 2010 11:56:16 AM Subject: Re: weekend with nada  MY, I truly understand what you are saying. Just spending time around my mother, even when she didn't do anything or say anything horrible, somehow put me into a state of anxiety and depression, not to mention mental confusion and fuzziness. Now she's in the nursing home and her mind is gone, along with most of the bpd behaviors, yet I am what I describe as " shattered " after even a short visit. A coping mechanism I use is to come home and immediately strip off my clothes and put them in the laundry, and shower. Her energy is still so negative that being with her makes me feel grubby. She has sticky chi. Psychologically and spiritually, I feel as if I am washing away her hold on my emotional state when I do this. Amazing, isn't it, how our rational minds can understand that it's them, not us, yet they still affect us this way? Em Sent from my blueberry. > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > months. > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > really not > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > considered > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > nada is > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > she is > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > barely > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > the > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > nada I've > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > what is > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > attach the > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > was just > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > being shed > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > feeling > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > strong > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > health. > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > visits - > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > progress, > but obviously have a long way to go. > > MY > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 I agree with the level of pain, it's some of the worst exploitation there is. > > > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > > > months. > > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > > > really not > > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > > > considered > > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > > > nada is > > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > > > she is > > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > > > barely > > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > > > the > > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > > > nada I've > > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > > > what is > > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > > > attach the > > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > > > was just > > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > > > being shed > > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > > > feeling > > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > > > strong > > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > > > health. > > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > > > visits - > > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > > > progress, > > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > > > MY > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 , Your post surprised me so much. I had been primarily been discouraged that I would be so anxious even when there was nothing obvious to be anxious about. It simply did not occur to me that it could be a good thing that I am becoming more aware of my feelings. And I actually do think that as I have learned more about BPD and have gotten more emotional distance and have had less contact with my mom, that I have become much more aware of my feelings. For example, now that I only talk to her once a week, I am very aware of how anxious I am before calling her and how much I have physical manifestations of the stress of it and that I usually don't recover so to speak from the phone call immediately. When I used to talk to her every day, I never had enough of a break to actually experience anything other than a constant low (or high) level of anxiety and constant hyper vigilance. The days of not talking to her gave me enough distance to be free of the anxiety, etc. and to begin to be more aware of my feelings and how much she affects me. Thanks so much for the encouragement. MY > > > Good for you though MY, it sounds like you are very aware of your feelings > and even when you've lost awareness you are aware enough to know that you've > lost awareness. Awesome...I think that's a real accomplishment. And yes, I > can relate to still having those reactions even when my nada isn't even > doing that much. Unfortunately all those sense memories are there - tone of > voice, sight, etc. - even when they are on their best behavior. I wish it > were possible to just wipe the slate clean sometimes. > > > > > > > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > months. > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was really > not > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > considered > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because nada > is > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - she is > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is barely > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much the > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from nada > I've > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or what > is > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not attach > the > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I was > just > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety being > shed > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was feeling > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > strong > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor health. > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past visits - > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > progress, > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > MY > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2010 Report Share Posted July 7, 2010 Em, It is encouraging to know that others are strongly affected by their BPD mothers even when they aren't necessarily being horrible. " Shattered " is a good description of it. I feel sick to my stomach, at times my vision blurs or seems strange, I feel my heart racing - and these are just the physical manifestations I've become aware of. I wonder if part of it for me is that I am constantly ready for her to do or say something horrible - she is highly unpredictable and I'm constantly vigilant when I am with her or talking to her. In any case, so many of my reactions seem to be so automatic and outside of my conscious control, that I figure there has got to be a reason(s) that I have these automatic reactions - I must have had enough negative experiences with her that I have an automatic fear response to her even though I am now 41 years old and I rationally probably don't need to be afraid. Though I am well aware that she is still dangerous and can be quite vicious, so wariness at the very least is, I feel, necessary. Thanks, MY > > > MY, > > I truly understand what you are saying. Just spending time around my > mother, even when she didn't do anything or say anything horrible, > somehow put me into a state of anxiety and depression, not to mention > mental confusion and fuzziness. > Now she's in the nursing home and her mind is gone, along with most of > the bpd behaviors, yet I am what I describe as " shattered " after even > a short visit. > A coping mechanism I use is to come home and immediately strip off my > clothes and put them in the laundry, and shower. Her energy is still > so negative that being with her makes me feel grubby. She has sticky > chi. > Psychologically and spiritually, I feel as if I am washing away her > hold on my emotional state when I do this. > Amazing, isn't it, how our rational minds can understand that it's > them, not us, yet they still affect us this way? > > Em > > Sent from my blueberry. > > > On Jul 6, 2010, at 11:52 PM, MY <mgrowingup@...<mgrowingup%40gmail.com>> > wrote: > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > > months. > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > > really not > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > > considered > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > > nada is > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > > she is > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > > barely > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > > the > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > > nada I've > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > > what is > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > > attach the > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > > was just > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > > being shed > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > > feeling > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > > strong > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > > health. > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > > visits - > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > > progress, > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > MY > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 8, 2010 Report Share Posted July 8, 2010 Glad to help MY - I've had the same process too as you with how I react to the phone calls. OTOH it's hard to have awareness of exactly how much each phone call affects me but on the other hand it's still better than being totally numbed out in a state of constant anxiety....at least we come up for air sometimes! > > > > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > > months. > > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was really > > not > > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > > considered > > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because nada > > is > > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - she is > > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is barely > > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much the > > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from nada > > I've > > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or what > > is > > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not attach > > the > > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I was > > just > > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety being > > shed > > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was feeling > > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > > strong > > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor health. > > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past visits - > > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > > progress, > > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > > > MY > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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