Worried that everyone hates me

[Guest guest]

Of the many fleas I have, I think the saddest one is that I worry that people

don't like me. I know this is a distorted thought...sort of. I always worry

that people are pretending to like me, but they really don't and when I walk

out, they will talk crap about me. When I have any kind of a disagreement or

altercation with someone, I am sure when it is over that they hate me now. I

hesitate to go to reunions or gatherings of ex co-workers because I am sure they

will not want to see me.

When I AM at one of those gatherings, I spend the whole time worrying that they

won't want to talk to me. It's hurtful to feel this way about myself, and

downright debilitating. I try to see it from the outside, and try to ask myself

if, objectively, someone appears to like me. If they do, I worry they are

faking it.

I've never been one to have a lot of casual friends. I've been more of a few

close friends kind of person. Sometimes those friendships fade away, like, I

guess many friendships do.

And of course, adding to my insecurities is one of my nada's smear campaigns,

whereby she is telling people that I always push away those who love me the

most. The only " people " she could be referring to are her and the guy who

sexually assaulted me. Perhaps to her " love " and " bully " are synonymous.

I think the root of my insecurity about being liked is that my nada would say " I

love you " and make me say it back, but I never, ever felt anything like love

coming from her. Very confusing.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Deanna