Guest guest Posted July 4, 2010 Report Share Posted July 4, 2010 MY, This sure sounds like your nada intentionally caused strife. She was presented with an opportunity to cause stress for both you and your sister-in-law and she grabbed it with both hands and ran with it. You're so right in thinking that nadas excel at that type of thing. Nadas like to be at the center of drama and they like to turn others against each other. It sounds like there's something else going on with your sister-in-law too. Getting upset because other people are going to the movies doesn't sound normal to me. If this is the first time you've visited in 6 months, that sure doesn't sound like there's a history of your kids getting to do things with your nada that her kids are being left out of. Are there other grandkids besides yours and your brother's that she is doing more with? My advice is to give your sister-in-law some time to cool off then talk to her without your nada being anywhere near either of you. At 05:04 PM 07/04/2010 MY wrote: >We are visiting my nada for the weekend for the first time in 6 >months. It >is always tricky negotiating between my mom and brother's >family even >without theBPD due to we both have 3 kids and thus more >activity and noise >than nada can handle. I had counted on having at least some >good times with >my brother and his family even if the time with nada was so so. > >This morning we were not going to see brother and kids until >the afternoon >(we stay with my mom), and I was wracking my brain trying to >figure out >something to do in the morning with nada and my kids. I >suggested going to >see a movie that cousins had already seen as going to the >movies is one of >the few things my nada can do - declining health. I figured we >would catch >up with the cousins later. Well, nada found it necessary to >call my >sister-in-law and basically say we were going to the movies >without them. >Apparently, sister-in-law feels like nada has a history of >leaving her kids >out and latelty golden sister-in-law got really mad that we >were " leaving >her kids out " . I tried calling sister-in-law and explaining why >I suggested >going to the movies, and she talked to me but was clearly mad >at the end of >the conversation. > >Part of me is amazed that sister-in-law got so mad - obviously >history there >that I was not aware of. And part of me is wondering why nada >called her to >tell her in the first place - was it just to rub it in her face >that we were >going without them? Anyway, obviously more weirdness in this >situation than >just my nada. But part of me can't help wondering if this is >one of those >situations where nadas seem to excell at dividing people and >causing >division. I'm anxious right now because I like my sister-in-law >and would >rather there not be conflict between us. > >I'm realizing that nada also made this comment to me about not >having >cousins sleep at her house while we are here and I said that's >fine, but you >should say something to sister-in-law as her kids will likely >ask. When I >asked sister-in-law about it yesterday nada had not said >anything to her. >AAARGH! > >MY -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2010 Report Share Posted July 4, 2010 Katrina, Thanks. I actually got to spend time this afternoon with my brother, sister-in-law and kids without nada there and did end up getting to talk to my sister-in-law more. She was much calmer, but still irked with my mom - somewhat oddly not at all with me and I'm the one who initiated going to the movies in the first place. I really don't understand all that is going on in this situation and sister-in-laws reaction seems over the top, but I'm also not going to try to be in the middle between nada and sister-in-law. My guess is that it has more to do with triggers sister-in-law has from the many years she was the black sheep in nada's eyes and received all the negative stuff that goes with it. By this evening when we all had dinner together they both seemed to " put it behind them " . They are both grown-ups and I can leave it to them to sort it out or not. Though it is amazing how stressed and anxious I feel in these situations and feel like I need to 'make the peace' and have to actively work to not feel like it is my responsibility to make everyone happy. Thanks again, MY > > > MY, > This sure sounds like your nada intentionally caused strife. She > was presented with an opportunity to cause stress for both you > and your sister-in-law and she grabbed it with both hands and > ran with it. You're so right in thinking that nadas excel at > that type of thing. Nadas like to be at the center of drama and > they like to turn others against each other. It sounds like > there's something else going on with your sister-in-law too. > Getting upset because other people are going to the movies > doesn't sound normal to me. If this is the first time > you've visited in 6 months, that sure doesn't sound like > there's a history of your kids getting to do things with your > nada that her kids are being left out of. Are there other > grandkids besides yours and your brother's that she is doing > more with? My advice is to give your sister-in-law some time to > cool off then talk to her without your nada being anywhere near > either of you. > > > At 05:04 PM 07/04/2010 MY wrote: > >We are visiting my nada for the weekend for the first time in 6 > >months. It > >is always tricky negotiating between my mom and brother's > >family even > >without theBPD due to we both have 3 kids and thus more > >activity and noise > >than nada can handle. I had counted on having at least some > >good times with > >my brother and his family even if the time with nada was so so. > > > >This morning we were not going to see brother and kids until > >the afternoon > >(we stay with my mom), and I was wracking my brain trying to > >figure out > >something to do in the morning with nada and my kids. I > >suggested going to > >see a movie that cousins had already seen as going to the > >movies is one of > >the few things my nada can do - declining health. I figured we > >would catch > >up with the cousins later. Well, nada found it necessary to > >call my > >sister-in-law and basically say we were going to the movies > >without them. > >Apparently, sister-in-law feels like nada has a history of > >leaving her kids > >out and latelty golden sister-in-law got really mad that we > >were " leaving > >her kids out " . I tried calling sister-in-law and explaining why > >I suggested > >going to the movies, and she talked to me but was clearly mad > >at the end of > >the conversation. > > > >Part of me is amazed that sister-in-law got so mad - obviously > >history there > >that I was not aware of. And part of me is wondering why nada > >called her to > >tell her in the first place - was it just to rub it in her face > >that we were > >going without them? Anyway, obviously more weirdness in this > >situation than > >just my nada. But part of me can't help wondering if this is > >one of those > >situations where nadas seem to excell at dividing people and > >causing > >division. I'm anxious right now because I like my sister-in-law > >and would > >rather there not be conflict between us. > > > >I'm realizing that nada also made this comment to me about not > >having > >cousins sleep at her house while we are here and I said that's > >fine, but you > >should say something to sister-in-law as her kids will likely > >ask. When I > >asked sister-in-law about it yesterday nada had not said > >anything to her. > >AAARGH! > > > >MY > > -- > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 6, 2010 Report Share Posted July 6, 2010 It also might be helpful to set a boundary with your mom that the next time she acts in a divisive manner, then your and your kids' time ends with her immediately. You would of course have to be willing to follow through. And to be sure she does not use your departure as an opportunity for further divisiveness, you would have to let the rest of the family know about this boundary you are setting with nada, and why. Both my cents, dunno why I'm not out of money, Tina > > We are visiting my nada for the weekend for the first time in 6 months. It > is always tricky negotiating between my mom and brother's family even > without theBPD due to we both have 3 kids and thus more activity and noise > than nada can handle. I had counted on having at least some good times with > my brother and his family even if the time with nada was so so. > > This morning we were not going to see brother and kids until the afternoon > (we stay with my mom), and I was wracking my brain trying to figure out > something to do in the morning with nada and my kids. I suggested going to > see a movie that cousins had already seen as going to the movies is one of > the few things my nada can do - declining health. I figured we would catch > up with the cousins later. Well, nada found it necessary to call my > sister-in-law and basically say we were going to the movies without them. > Apparently, sister-in-law feels like nada has a history of leaving her kids > out and latelty golden sister-in-law got really mad that we were " leaving > her kids out " . I tried calling sister-in-law and explaining why I suggested > going to the movies, and she talked to me but was clearly mad at the end of > the conversation. > > Part of me is amazed that sister-in-law got so mad - obviously history there > that I was not aware of. And part of me is wondering why nada called her to > tell her in the first place - was it just to rub it in her face that we were > going without them? Anyway, obviously more weirdness in this situation than > just my nada. But part of me can't help wondering if this is one of those > situations where nadas seem to excell at dividing people and causing > division. I'm anxious right now because I like my sister-in-law and would > rather there not be conflict between us. > > I'm realizing that nada also made this comment to me about not having > cousins sleep at her house while we are here and I said that's fine, but you > should say something to sister-in-law as her kids will likely ask. When I > asked sister-in-law about it yesterday nada had not said anything to her. > AAARGH! > > MY > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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