Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 Thanks Fiona for the kind words. Please understand, I still need things emotionally from my parents...I just finally realized that there are some things that are not theirs to give. If there's no water in the pitcher, it simply cannot fill the glass. For me,it meant letting go of the things that every child should be able to expect from their parents. The loss and sadness for what should have been will always be there, but I finally realized that they can't give what they don't have. It was up to me to be ok.  I don't use Mom's mirror to analyze myself now. Mom's mirror is distorted and the reflection is not true. She has an opinion...but it's only an opinion....and there are millions of opinions out there...common as dirt.  One thing that helped me was when I began to see my mother in the same light as I see my 3 year old grandson. He's basically a good kid, but he's also 3. There are some things he cannot understand no matter how carefully you explain them because he just doesn't have the mental capacity and perspective that a mature adult does. When a young child gets unruly or demanding, rather than coming down hard because " he's out to ruin our lives " , we can usually realize that their behavior is stemming from being too tired, too immature, or too overwhelmed. As parents (or better yet, grandparents) we try to use wisdom and restraint when they cannot. I say 'as grandparents' is better because parents have the responsibility to shape behavior over a long period of time (and for a kid of a BPD, that's a loaded statement....LOL). Grandparents generally have the priviledge of not being responsible for shaping behavior, and can instead just handle each situation as it arises with tolerance and understanding as best you can.  When I put myself in the mental frame of being 'my mother's grandmother', I found her behavior didn't hurt me as bad. Fact of life...3 year olds hit. It usually doesn't really have anything to do with me personally at all. They get frustrated -- they hit. It's the only way they have learned to deal with their world. Another thing that helped was to reframe my thoughts: " Mom has a mental illness " doesn't turn up the fight song in me as much as " The broad's as crazy as a bat out of... "   And also do something for yourself...learn to play the piano ( forget the lesson books, play what sounds pretty to your own ears), walk, exercise, take free college courses online....anything that makes you feel smart, like you've accomplished something good. And DON'T TELL ANYBODY about it. Even the best meaning people have their own ideas about the " right way " to do something. You don't need that. You need YOU telling you it's the right thing. When you do something that makes you feel smart and competent without telling anyone, it gives a quiet reassurance within yourself that makes for a formidible defense. When you then hear someone say words that make you feel incompetent, you have that 'silent cuddly teddy bear' within you telling you, " They don't really kow me at all. "  (Don't defend yourself to them---keep that 'teddy bear' just for the ears of your own heart) There's a book written called " Perfect Every Time " that's really good. It's from a Christian perspective, but it's not preachy or saintly. It helped me gain perspective. And when all is said and done, all you can do is what you can do. You're mom's the way she is simply because she's the way she is. You didn't cause it. You don't trigger it. And you can't fix it. It's not about her at all...it's about you -- and you're worth loving.  -Leslye Kay Subject: Re: What I've learned To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, July 11, 2010, 9:42 AM  " When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else really mattered after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very) slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom' s voice lost it's power. I finally found peace in the storm. " Kay, I am saving your email; it is where I want to be. You beautifully articulated the struggle. I'm so, so happy for you that you're in a place where you don't need anything, emotionally, from your parents. Where it's no longer such an open sore that heals and then gets ripped open again. Thanks so much for sharing. > > > > > > > Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and not speaking and speaking and.... you all know the drill and here I am and here's what I've learned. My situation - I thought Mom had BPD, since then I've learned that she has probable Multiple Personality Disorder and at least a few of the personalities show signs of BPD. My father was diagnosed 2 years ago with Alzheimers and Paranoid Schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur and most of the things he told me about myself, my family and our history have turned out to be lies. For the past 2 years, I have cared for my parents financially as Dad's financial conservator, and have cared for my mother physically for the past 6 months. She remembers only what she chooses to remember, bows and scrapes to my (definitely) borderline sister, and alternately praises and belittles my husband and I, the only ones caring for her needs. For years I struggled in one form or another > to establish my own identity apart from the " rude, bossy, hateful snot-nosed little brat " that she called me as a child, and the " selfish, arrogant, " English "  (figure that one...) person " she called me as an adult. I tried rebellion, non-communication, establishing boundries, compliance, communication and dropping my boundries. I laughed at her and cried about her and hurt for her and with her, and wanted to hurt her and here's what I've learned. None of it worked. > As long as Mom remained a component of my anger, she remained in my thoughts and I remained under her control. It was only when I let go. When I finally gave up and chose to see her as a person unto herself who had faults and sucesses and frailities and fears -- a person very much like me -- could I begin to create my own self-image. When she criticized or hurt or intruded, I chose to see it as someone who cared (notice: " CHOSE " -- > I had to step beyond my own hurt and feelings). I didn't cave to her intrusions and criticisms, but I stepped away from the anger of them and treated them as I would if my best friend had said or done them. Instead of lashing out or fuming at home, I learned to quietly say, " Mom, that's just not true. "  and drop it. Hard -- impossibly hard --in the beginning, but as the habit grew, I grew. And when I began to be able to step away from my emotions and speak gently as an adult, I began to finally feel like an adult, and when I began to feel like an adult, I began to realize that it honestly didn't matter what she said or did - her opinions had only as much power as I allowed them to have. I began to take free online courses from MIT (opencourseware@...), and found that I felt more secure and proud of myself -that quiet pride that gives a firm foundation. I've been told that " the best revenge is a life well lived "  but I couldn't ever > get past the 'revenge' to the 'life'. So what I've learned is that my best revenge was no revenge at all. It was " simply " (LOL) to step beyond myself and my status as a KO. When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else really mattered after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very) slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom's voice lost it's power. I finally found peace in the storm.  -Leslye > > > hasEML = false; > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 Oz is alive and well in my family too. " Probable diagnosis " of Mom was made by a family physician after several 'routine' office visits for other causes ( " Mom, let's get that sore throat checked out... " ). She has no clue as to any mental disturbance at all.  I had privately alerted him to what we had observed and he 'treated' her other conditions while actually watching her for mental issues. I think her final give-away was when she calmly described how she climbed into the dumpster to retrieve some cans of salmon she saw in there -- " you don't just walk off from good salmon, you know " . She originally " got it for the cats at the animal shelter " , then fed some to her dog and he liked it so she figured it was ok for her to eat too....and give to the neighbors. A few minutes later, the doctor asked if it made her feel sick and she was completely baffled...what kind of person did he think she was? You can't climb into a dumpster at 83...! (The alter that climbs into dumpsters seems to forget that). Dad was diagnosed by a psychiatrist while being evaluated for Alzheimer's His final straw broke when he called upon the Holy Spirit to curse the psychiatrist and reign down fire from above, then dove under the table so he wouldn't be hit when the lightning struck. Yes, you can laugh... I was NC for awhile, although my parents lived next door to me (Mom still does. Dad's in a nursing home), and reestablishing contact went slow...dropping my expectations of what a 'homecoming' it would be was slower. I guess I just waited for small openings (email forwards from her, a comment about how she hated Christmas) and filled in those openings benignly ( " that's pretty clever..thanks for sending..thinking of you...hope your day is good... " ). When Dad was diagnosed, she needed our help, and we gave it in a low-key way ( " you're doing fine...you'll be ok...we're right here...). Most of all it was treating things like a willow tree rather than an oak - don't fight the breeze, sway and bend rather than stand firm and break. When she snapped, I learned to say calmly, " Well, I can see that you're upset Mom and need a bit of space, so I'll step aside for a bit.  Give me a call when you're feeling better. " and then leave. When she called, I didn't bring up the incident. As far as maintaining boundries...give me a minute to stop laughing here.... Mom continues to breach boundries, and she's clever about it. I am learning to wait a few seconds before I speak and a few minutes before I commit. I usually say, " I'd really like to help you, let me figure out what I can do "  That buys me time to ok something or think of a reasonable way to excuse myself.  I also no longer try to be all and do all. When she makes a ridiculous mistake or gets herself into a fix, I don't rescue. Instead I say that 'I don't know what to do. What do you think?' When she asks an inappropriate or personal question, I ask, " Why do you ask? "  That usually refocuses it all on her and she forgets the question. If not, if I want to answer, I answer (keep it short and simple without trying to explain or justify yourself). If I don't want to answer, I say, " Mom, I really appreciate your interest, but I'd rather... " keep that to myself -- not talk about that---focus on something more positive---hear what you have to say---etc " And if she gets really rude or hateful, I stop what I'm doing, look her square in the eye, and quietly say, " Mom that really hurt " and I leave.   I haven't found any set answers and I guess being calm and relaxed works best. I don't try to defend myself or explain anymore because she doesn't hear me anyhow (and " anything you say can and will be used in a... " ) My best answers are, " Hmmm, I can see how you might think that... "  " I wonder if maybe there's a bit more to the story... "  " Umm, if I were in your shoes, I might think that too... "   " Yup, I'm funny that way... "    " Oh, I like to hear about good things! Tell me about something good...! " and " Why do you ask? "    Think willow or trampoline. Keep any sarcasm or personal feelings out of your voice. Sway and bend with the breeze so you don't break. Relax and 'give' with the questions and intrusions, then use her momentum to let them bounce back to her (not AT her). Give her the limelight and step back quietly. Save your energy for the fights that matter. Their opinion is not a fight that matters. And last, hold tight to someone who loves you as you are. You need the shelter of arms that care. -Leslye Subject: Re: What I've learned To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, July 11, 2010, 6:00 PM  L Kay My gosh! I can't believe what you must have been through... a nada with multiple personalities, some of which have BPD!!! That just sounds awful. At least she consented to getting diagnosed, so there is some aknowledgement of the reality. I really understand. There are many stages to this process to get to where you are, and I think I am right there with you. I have been NC for five years, and I needed that time to understand and heal. Lately (and you can see my posts why) I have come to a place of acceptance. I accept that this is the FOO I was born into. There are all kinds of tools for boundaries and so forth, what you mention, and I want to learn these skills, because in the end, this is my Family of Origin. These are the people who knew me as a child, these are the people who raised me. Although I will never be close to them, I do want to reestablish contact, maybe once a year, to just show my face and to meet other people in the FOO, children I haven't met. Of course, my FOO has never acknowledged that anything is wrong, they live in full fledged Oz. Do you have any recommendations, how to reestablish contact and keep boundaries up? What specific experiences have you had?? Thanks, Walkingto Happiness > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and not speaking and speaking and.... you all know the drill and here I am and here's what I've learned. My situation - I thought Mom had BPD, since then I've learned that she has probable Multiple Personality Disorder and at least a few of the personalities show signs of BPD. My father was diagnosed 2 years ago with Alzheimers and Paranoid Schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur and most of the things he told me about myself, my family and our history have turned out to be lies. For the past 2 years, I have cared for my parents financially as Dad's financial conservator, and have cared for my mother physically for the past 6 months. She remembers only what she chooses to remember, bows and scrapes to my (definitely) borderline sister, and alternately praises and belittles my husband and I, the only ones caring for her needs. For years I struggled in one form or another > > to establish my own identity apart from the " rude, bossy, hateful snot-nosed little brat " that she called me as a child, and the " selfish, arrogant, " English "  (figure that one...) person " she called me as an adult. I tried rebellion, non-communication, establishing boundries, compliance, communication and dropping my boundries. I laughed at her and cried about her and hurt for her and with her, and wanted to hurt her and here's what I've learned. None of it worked. > > As long as Mom remained a component of my anger, she remained in my thoughts and I remained under her control. It was only when I let go. When I finally gave up and chose to see her as a person unto herself who had faults and sucesses and frailities and fears -- a person very much like me -- could I begin to create my own self-image. When she criticized or hurt or intruded, I chose to see it as someone who cared (notice: " CHOSE " -- > > I had to step beyond my own hurt and feelings). I didn't cave to her intrusions and criticisms, but I stepped away from the anger of them and treated them as I would if my best friend had said or done them. Instead of lashing out or fuming at home, I learned to quietly say, " Mom, that's just not true. "  and drop it. Hard -- impossibly hard --in the beginning, but as the habit grew, I grew. And when I began to be able to step away from my emotions and speak gently as an adult, I began to finally feel like an adult, and when I began to feel like an adult, I began to realize that it honestly didn't matter what she said or did - her opinions had only as much power as I allowed them to have. I began to take free online courses from MIT (opencourseware@), and found that I felt more secure and proud of myself -that quiet pride that gives a firm foundation. I've been told that " the best revenge is a life well lived "  but I couldn't ever > > get past the 'revenge' to the 'life'. So what I've learned is that my best revenge was no revenge at all. It was " simply " (LOL) to step beyond myself and my status as a KO. When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else really mattered after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very) slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom's voice lost it's power. I finally found peace in the storm.  -Leslye > > > > > > hasEML = false; > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 Loved your post. Nada keeps not being responsible for her actions. I have stopped rescuing and it feels good. Not letting the guilts get to me. as she belittles me for not rescuing. I need to forgive but still so angry for nada robbing me of my childhood Subject: Re: What I've learned To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, July 11, 2010, 6:00 PM  L Kay My gosh! I can't believe what you must have been through... a nada with multiple personalities, some of which have BPD!!! That just sounds awful. At least she consented to getting diagnosed, so there is some aknowledgement of the reality. I really understand. There are many stages to this process to get to where you are, and I think I am right there with you. I have been NC for five years, and I needed that time to understand and heal. Lately (and you can see my posts why) I have come to a place of acceptance. I accept that this is the FOO I was born into. There are all kinds of tools for boundaries and so forth, what you mention, and I want to learn these skills, because in the end, this is my Family of Origin. These are the people who knew me as a child, these are the people who raised me. Although I will never be close to them, I do want to reestablish contact, maybe once a year, to just show my face and to meet other people in the FOO, children I haven't met. Of course, my FOO has never acknowledged that anything is wrong, they live in full fledged Oz. Do you have any recommendations, how to reestablish contact and keep boundaries up? What specific experiences have you had?? Thanks, Walkingto Happiness > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and not speaking and speaking and.... you all know the drill and here I am and here's what I've learned. My situation - I thought Mom had BPD, since then I've learned that she has probable Multiple Personality Disorder and at least a few of the personalities show signs of BPD. My father was diagnosed 2 years ago with Alzheimers and Paranoid Schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur and most of the things he told me about myself, my family and our history have turned out to be lies. For the past 2 years, I have cared for my parents financially as Dad's financial conservator, and have cared for my mother physically for the past 6 months. She remembers only what she chooses to remember, bows and scrapes to my (definitely) borderline sister, and alternately praises and belittles my husband and I, the only ones caring for her needs. For years I struggled in one form or another > > to establish my own identity apart from the " rude, bossy, hateful snot-nosed little brat " that she called me as a child, and the " selfish, arrogant, " English "  (figure that one...) person " she called me as an adult. I tried rebellion, non-communication, establishing boundries, compliance, communication and dropping my boundries. I laughed at her and cried about her and hurt for her and with her, and wanted to hurt her and here's what I've learned. None of it worked. > > As long as Mom remained a component of my anger, she remained in my thoughts and I remained under her control. It was only when I let go. When I finally gave up and chose to see her as a person unto herself who had faults and sucesses and frailities and fears -- a person very much like me -- could I begin to create my own self-image. When she criticized or hurt or intruded, I chose to see it as someone who cared (notice: " CHOSE " -- > > I had to step beyond my own hurt and feelings). I didn't cave to her intrusions and criticisms, but I stepped away from the anger of them and treated them as I would if my best friend had said or done them. Instead of lashing out or fuming at home, I learned to quietly say, " Mom, that's just not true. "  and drop it. Hard -- impossibly hard --in the beginning, but as the habit grew, I grew. And when I began to be able to step away from my emotions and speak gently as an adult, I began to finally feel like an adult, and when I began to feel like an adult, I began to realize that it honestly didn't matter what she said or did - her opinions had only as much power as I allowed them to have. I began to take free online courses from MIT (opencourseware@), and found that I felt more secure and proud of myself -that quiet pride that gives a firm foundation. I've been told that " the best revenge is a life well lived "  but I couldn't ever > > get past the 'revenge' to the 'life'. So what I've learned is that my best revenge was no revenge at all. It was " simply " (LOL) to step beyond myself and my status as a KO. When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else really mattered after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very) slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom's voice lost it's power. I finally found peace in the storm.  -Leslye > > > > > > hasEML = false; > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 It does feel good not to feel bound to rescue, doesn't it...so much more freedom! Forgiveness...for me, it was kind of ironic. When I waited for the anger to subside, I couldn't ever forgive. But when I chose to forgive in the midst of anger, the anger started fading away.   I couldn't forgive Mom to help Mom but I had to forgive Mom to help me.  And, somehow it worked. Go figure. -Leslye Subject: Re: What I've learned To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, July 11, 2010, 6:00 PM  L Kay My gosh! I can't believe what you must have been through... a nada with multiple personalities, some of which have BPD!!! That just sounds awful. At least she consented to getting diagnosed, so there is some aknowledgement of the reality. I really understand. There are many stages to this process to get to where you are, and I think I am right there with you. I have been NC for five years, and I needed that time to understand and heal. Lately (and you can see my posts why) I have come to a place of acceptance. I accept that this is the FOO I was born into. There are all kinds of tools for boundaries and so forth, what you mention, and I want to learn these skills, because in the end, this is my Family of Origin. These are the people who knew me as a child, these are the people who raised me. Although I will never be close to them, I do want to reestablish contact, maybe once a year, to just show my face and to meet other people in the FOO, children I haven't met. Of course, my FOO has never acknowledged that anything is wrong, they live in full fledged Oz. Do you have any recommendations, how to reestablish contact and keep boundaries up? What specific experiences have you had?? Thanks, Walkingto Happiness > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and not speaking and speaking and.... you all know the drill and here I am and here's what I've learned. My situation - I thought Mom had BPD, since then I've learned that she has probable Multiple Personality Disorder and at least a few of the personalities show signs of BPD. My father was diagnosed 2 years ago with Alzheimers and Paranoid Schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur and most of the things he told me about myself, my family and our history have turned out to be lies. For the past 2 years, I have cared for my parents financially as Dad's financial conservator, and have cared for my mother physically for the past 6 months. She remembers only what she chooses to remember, bows and scrapes to my (definitely) borderline sister, and alternately praises and belittles my husband and I, the only ones caring for her needs. For years I struggled in one form or another > > to establish my own identity apart from the " rude, bossy, hateful snot-nosed little brat " that she called me as a child, and the " selfish, arrogant, " English "  (figure that one...) person " she called me as an adult. I tried rebellion, non-communication, establishing boundries, compliance, communication and dropping my boundries. I laughed at her and cried about her and hurt for her and with her, and wanted to hurt her and here's what I've learned. None of it worked. > > As long as Mom remained a component of my anger, she remained in my thoughts and I remained under her control. It was only when I let go. When I finally gave up and chose to see her as a person unto herself who had faults and sucesses and frailities and fears -- a person very much like me -- could I begin to create my own self-image. When she criticized or hurt or intruded, I chose to see it as someone who cared (notice: " CHOSE " -- > > I had to step beyond my own hurt and feelings). I didn't cave to her intrusions and criticisms, but I stepped away from the anger of them and treated them as I would if my best friend had said or done them. Instead of lashing out or fuming at home, I learned to quietly say, " Mom, that's just not true. "  and drop it. Hard -- impossibly hard --in the beginning, but as the habit grew, I grew. And when I began to be able to step away from my emotions and speak gently as an adult, I began to finally feel like an adult, and when I began to feel like an adult, I began to realize that it honestly didn't matter what she said or did - her opinions had only as much power as I allowed them to have. I began to take free online courses from MIT (opencourseware@), and found that I felt more secure and proud of myself -that quiet pride that gives a firm foundation. I've been told that " the best revenge is a life well lived "  but I couldn't ever > > get past the 'revenge' to the 'life'. So what I've learned is that my best revenge was no revenge at all. It was " simply " (LOL) to step beyond myself and my status as a KO. When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else really mattered after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very) slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom's voice lost it's power. I finally found peace in the storm.  -Leslye > > > > > > hasEML = false; > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 Yeah.  That will always hurt and it seems like the worst grief is " what could have been " ... " what should have been " . I still have those feelings often...I just found that I could move beyond them and be ok...maybe we all can. -Leslye Subject: Re: What I've learned To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, July 14, 2010, 10:09 AM  Thank you for your post and insights- your heart and soul shine through. For me the thing that I keep learning and it is a tough lesson- my mother will never be 'normal'- I may have those moments that feel ok- like what I guess a mother and daughter should feel - but they will be quickly followed by the crazy and unstable behavior of nada. Those ok moments are my fix- waiting for the next ok moment. It almost can become addictive- seeking the love of a mother- and all you really get is unhealthy behaviors that continual hurt you. Thanks, Malinda > > > > > > > Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and not speaking and speaking and.... you all know the drill and here I am and here's what I've learned. My situation - I thought Mom had BPD, since then I've learned that she has probable Multiple Personality Disorder and at least a few of the personalities show signs of BPD. My father was diagnosed 2 years ago with Alzheimers and Paranoid Schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur and most of the things he told me about myself, my family and our history have turned out to be lies. For the past 2 years, I have cared for my parents financially as Dad's financial conservator, and have cared for my mother physically for the past 6 months. She remembers only what she chooses to remember, bows and scrapes to my (definitely) borderline sister, and alternately praises and belittles my husband and I, the only ones caring for her needs. For years I struggled in one form or another > to establish my own identity apart from the " rude, bossy, hateful snot-nosed little brat " that she called me as a child, and the " selfish, arrogant, " English "  (figure that one...) person " she called me as an adult. I tried rebellion, non-communication, establishing boundries, compliance, communication and dropping my boundries. I laughed at her and cried about her and hurt for her and with her, and wanted to hurt her and here's what I've learned. None of it worked. > As long as Mom remained a component of my anger, she remained in my thoughts and I remained under her control. It was only when I let go. When I finally gave up and chose to see her as a person unto herself who had faults and sucesses and frailities and fears -- a person very much like me -- could I begin to create my own self-image. When she criticized or hurt or intruded, I chose to see it as someone who cared (notice: " CHOSE " -- > I had to step beyond my own hurt and feelings). I didn't cave to her intrusions and criticisms, but I stepped away from the anger of them and treated them as I would if my best friend had said or done them. Instead of lashing out or fuming at home, I learned to quietly say, " Mom, that's just not true. "  and drop it. Hard -- impossibly hard --in the beginning, but as the habit grew, I grew. And when I began to be able to step away from my emotions and speak gently as an adult, I began to finally feel like an adult, and when I began to feel like an adult, I began to realize that it honestly didn't matter what she said or did - her opinions had only as much power as I allowed them to have. I began to take free online courses from MIT (opencourseware@...), and found that I felt more secure and proud of myself -that quiet pride that gives a firm foundation. I've been told that " the best revenge is a life well lived "  but I couldn't ever > get past the 'revenge' to the 'life'. So what I've learned is that my best revenge was no revenge at all. It was " simply " (LOL) to step beyond myself and my status as a KO. When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else really mattered after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very) slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom's voice lost it's power. I finally found peace in the storm.  -Leslye > > > hasEML = false; > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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