Re: I think my nada ENJOYS making me feel like crap!

[Guest guest]

No sadly, it is not.

And no, nada will never respond rationally and normally to a

conversation.

Shake of the FOG , Fiona.

You re a good person, and a good mommy.

Doug

>

> I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what

looks like a urinary tract infection.

>

> You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous

conversation I just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking

it would be normal, or at all supportive. I really am insane for

thinking if I try one more time, she'll respond differently.

>

> Her response:

> * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

>

> Her weaponry:

> * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c

this has been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we

were trying to avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I

called, they were done for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take

her, twice (the first time to her regular dr, who was closed, and then

to the Emergimed). Each time the place we were going to go was closing.

Finally, I got tired of the stopping and starting and decided to get

some cleaning done while we were waiting for my husband to come home to

stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation Monday. He came

home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry, dinner, 5

year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada.

Especially not when she was phrasing her question in a way that was

almost accusatory.

>

> * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most

convenient. She had to go to the ER right away.

>

> I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone

else, I'm going to get grief from her.

>

> Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate

me. Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

>

[Guest guest]

that sounds like a stressful ordeal trying to find a place that wasn't closing

and I know when I go through stress I want comfort and I am more vulnerable to

opening myself up and making myself more vulnerable. don't beat up on yourself

for being human. I am sorry for all of us that our nadas and fadas are so

whacked in the head, that something so simple and normal gets so messed up and

causes MORE PAIN AND STRESS than we already feel. Hugs!

>

> I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

>

> You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I just

had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or at all

supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time, she'll

respond differently.

>

> Her response:

> * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting them??

antibiotics GIVE you infections!

>

> Her weaponry:

> * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

>

> * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

>

> I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else, I'm

going to get grief from her.

>

> Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

>

[Guest guest]

Of course your nada enjoys making you feel like crap! They ALL do that!

They're selfish; manipulative; condescending and more than a little crazy but

you knew all that too, didn't you?! They enjoy putting us down so they feel

better. In their mind, they are perfect and we're the ones who are 'difficult

to love'. If we're told that often enough and for long enough, we begin to

believe it and then we create a self-professing prophecy.

The only thing I have found that works is to say sarcastically to my nada " I

love YOU too! " and hang up on her. Remind yourself she is a two year old

emotionally in an adult's body. It doesn't help that much but it does a little.

[Guest guest]

Doug, thank you.

I really needed to hear that.

> >

> > I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what

> looks like a urinary tract infection.

> >

> > You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous

> conversation I just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking

> it would be normal, or at all supportive. I really am insane for

> thinking if I try one more time, she'll respond differently.

> >

> > Her response:

> > * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> > * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

> them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

> >

> > Her weaponry:

> > * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c

> this has been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we

> were trying to avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I

> called, they were done for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take

> her, twice (the first time to her regular dr, who was closed, and then

> to the Emergimed). Each time the place we were going to go was closing.

> Finally, I got tired of the stopping and starting and decided to get

> some cleaning done while we were waiting for my husband to come home to

> stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation Monday. He came

> home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry, dinner, 5

> year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

> didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada.

> Especially not when she was phrasing her question in a way that was

> almost accusatory.

> >

> > * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

> understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most

> convenient. She had to go to the ER right away.

> >

> > I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone

> else, I'm going to get grief from her.

> >

> > Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate

> me. Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your understanding and hugs. They're a balm!

I can't wait to get to the day where I don't need her validation any more; where

I can tolerate her not knowing about things going on in my life.

> >

> > I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

> >

> > You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I

just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or

at all supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time,

she'll respond differently.

> >

> > Her response:

> > * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> > * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

> >

> > Her weaponry:

> > * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

> >

> > * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

> >

> > I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else,

I'm going to get grief from her.

> >

> > Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like my nada !!! She used to make me feel so guilty at times. What I did

was simply not to share with her much or at all. Unfortunately their brain is

wired differently. They take pleasure in making others feel bad about

themselves. It gives them the false feeling of power and " CONTROL " . They hardly

change cause they don't see anything wrong with the way they behave.

>

> I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

>

> You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I just

had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or at all

supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time, she'll

respond differently.

>

> Her response:

> * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting them??

antibiotics GIVE you infections!

>

> Her weaponry:

> * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

>

> * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

>

> I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else, I'm

going to get grief from her.

>

> Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

>

[Guest guest]

thats too bad, Fiona, by the way, how is your daughter doing?? there is

NOTHING wrong with your husband taking her instead of you !! nadas do this

to keep us from feeling good about ourselves...they dont like themselves, so

they want to make sure we dont like ourselves as well :-( do NOT worry

about it, you did nothing wrong !!

Jackie

I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I

just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal,

or at all supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more

time, she'll respond differently.

Her response:

* panic...WHAT?! what happened??

* fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

Her weaponry:

* shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying

to avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were

done for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first

time to her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each

time the place we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the

stopping and starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were

waiting for my husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're

leaving on vacation Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls

in the air (laundry, dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year

old to doctor. But I didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to

my nada. Especially not when she was phrasing her question in a way that was

almost accusatory.

* guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient.

She had to go to the ER right away.

I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else,

I'm going to get grief from her.

Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

[Guest guest]

thanks so much, Jackie.

it's so good to hear that from someone else-- " i did the right thing; it's ok!! "

my daughter's doing better; feeling dizzy from the antibiotics, but feeling much

better. thanks for asking!

thanks everyone, for your words; helps a great deal.

>

> thats too bad, Fiona, by the way, how is your daughter doing?? there is

> NOTHING wrong with your husband taking her instead of you !! nadas do this

> to keep us from feeling good about ourselves...they dont like themselves, so

> they want to make sure we dont like ourselves as well :-( do NOT worry

> about it, you did nothing wrong !!

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

> I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

> like a urinary tract infection.

>

> You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I

> just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal,

> or at all supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more

> time, she'll respond differently.

>

> Her response:

> * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

> them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

>

> Her weaponry:

> * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

> been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying

> to avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were

> done for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first

> time to her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each

> time the place we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the

> stopping and starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were

> waiting for my husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're

> leaving on vacation Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls

> in the air (laundry, dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year

> old to doctor. But I didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to

> my nada. Especially not when she was phrasing her question in a way that was

> almost accusatory.

>

> * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

> understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient.

> She had to go to the ER right away.

>

> I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else,

> I'm going to get grief from her.

>

> Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

> Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

In my opinion it is a real testament to your husband's parenting

skills that he stepped up and took your daughter while you handled

things at home. It really helps young women when they have a strong

relationship with Dad - they seem to forge more meaningful adult male-

female relationships.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

On Jul 10, 2010, at 5:48 PM, Fiona

wrote:

> I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with

> what looks like a urinary tract infection.

>

> You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous

> conversation I just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for

> thinking it would be normal, or at all supportive. I really am

> insane for thinking if I try one more time, she'll respond

> differently.

>

> Her response:

> * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're

> letting them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

>

> Her weaponry:

> * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c

> this has been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see

> her; we were trying to avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed,

> but when I called, they were done for the day. I got dressed ready

> to go and take her, twice (the first time to her regular dr, who was

> closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place we were

> going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

> starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting

> for my husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're

> leaving on vacation Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other

> balls in the air (laundry, dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he

> would take 12 year old to doctor. But I didn't really feel like I

> needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not when she was

> phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

>

> * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this.

> I understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most

> convenient. She had to go to the ER right away.

>

> I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone

> else, I'm going to get grief from her.

>

> Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to

> validate me. Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry your daughter was so sick. I guess you just had yet another remind to

NEVER discuss anything of importance, even remotely, with your nada. My nada

conversations revolve around the weather my pets, that's about how deep I can

get without massive drama and shaming.

PS: I too have bladder infections once or twice a year. Tell you daughter to

always drink a lot of water. If it happens again, give her a couple of vitamin C

tablets and continue drinking a lot, and I mean a lot of water constantly. The

Vitamin C acidifies the urine and it's more difficult for bacteria to survive.

This method might not be the final solution, she might need antibiotics but it

can alleviate temporary discomfort until she can get in to see a Doctor. Most of

the time this home-remedy works for me without needing antibiotics. Cheers!

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

I hate to say this, but no, you probably aren't going to ever be validated by

your mother. HOWEVER, you are a mom yourself. Her validation isn't needed. You

are the mom and you and your SO will take care of your daughter the way you see

fit. Your daughter got the medical care that she needed and that's what matters.

If your mom isn't satisfied with that, OH WELL. She will have to get over it.

I know it's hard to look at it this way. It's hard to feel anger instead of

hurt. But getting through this is all about taking control of your own life,

trusting yourself WITHOUT your moms validation. You call the shots. That's the

way it should be. If your nada starts crap with you on the phone,just politely

tell her you have to go.

You don't have to take her crap. And she can't tell you how to take care of your

kid. That's YOUR job.

They think they know it all, don't they?

~Sara jo

>

> I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

>

> You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I just

had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or at all

supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time, she'll

respond differently.

>

> Her response:

> * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting them??

antibiotics GIVE you infections!

>

> Her weaponry:

> * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

>

> * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

>

> I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else, I'm

going to get grief from her.

>

> Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Fiona

I know I have said this before but your mother is so like mine. The fear and

panic and then as you say, the shame. I beat myself up everytime I talk to her

and tell her something. I want SOOOOO much to get her validation but she always

makes me feel bad.

 

I have gone LC with her and through this group and my codependents anonymous

group, I think I am getting better. Some days are better than others.

felicia

Subject: Re: I think my nada ENJOYS making me feel like

crap!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 13, 2010, 4:17 PM

 

Fiona,

I hate to say this, but no, you probably aren't going to ever be validated by

your mother. HOWEVER, you are a mom yourself. Her validation isn't needed. You

are the mom and you and your SO will take care of your daughter the way you see

fit. Your daughter got the medical care that she needed and that's what matters.

If your mom isn't satisfied with that, OH WELL. She will have to get over it.

I know it's hard to look at it this way. It's hard to feel anger instead of

hurt. But getting through this is all about taking control of your own life,

trusting yourself WITHOUT your moms validation. You call the shots. That's the

way it should be. If your nada starts crap with you on the phone,just politely

tell her you have to go.

You don't have to take her crap. And she can't tell you how to take care of your

kid. That's YOUR job.

They think they know it all, don't they?

~Sara jo

>

> I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

>

> You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I just

had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or at all

supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time, she'll

respond differently.

>

> Her response:

> * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting them??

antibiotics GIVE you infections!

>

> Her weaponry:

> * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

>

> * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

>

> I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else, I'm

going to get grief from her.

>

> Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

>

[Guest guest]

Ugh, it's true. I know she'll never say, " you are such an amazing mother. you

made such a great decision. And your husband is fantastic, too! "

I just wish she would keep her trap shut! And she's very forceful in her

opinions and I'm not. I'm so used to being quiet and polite, as my father

disciplined me to be.

I need to get over that, fast!

Thanks for your good words! I needed that.

> >

> > I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

> >

> > You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I

just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or

at all supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time,

she'll respond differently.

> >

> > Her response:

> > * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> > * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

> >

> > Her weaponry:

> > * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

> >

> > * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

> >

> > I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else,

I'm going to get grief from her.

> >

> > Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe with all types, but with hermits in particular, it seems that they can

only handle one " headliner " at a time in the center stage, and the praise and

criticism fluctuates with where their mind has placed you at that moment. As

a rule, the placement has nothing to do with you at all.  Instead,it usually

reflects their own emotional state  at the time and they project it onto

you. I don't think we ever lose the yearning to be recognized by our mentally

ill parent(s), but Sara Jo is right. A true recognition will never come, even

if the words are said.  You can reach and pat your own back now, knowing when

you do, that it's been patted by someone who truly knows what a good person you

are.  -Leslye

 

Subject: Re: I think my nada ENJOYS making me feel like

crap!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 16, 2010, 7:47 PM

 

Ugh, it's true. I know she'll never say, " you are such an amazing mother. you

made such a great decision. And your husband is fantastic, too! "

I just wish she would keep her trap shut! And she's very forceful in her

opinions and I'm not. I'm so used to being quiet and polite, as my father

disciplined me to be.

I need to get over that, fast!

Thanks for your good words! I needed that.

> >

> > I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

> >

> > You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I

just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or

at all supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time,

she'll respond differently.

> >

> > Her response:

> > * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> > * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

> >

> > Her weaponry:

> > * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

> >

> > * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

> >

> > I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else,

I'm going to get grief from her.

> >

> > Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My mother could never compliment me that it didn't in some way benefit her.

" you're a good mother because I raised you right. " or " you are just like me,

always making sure you look nice. "

Re: I think my nada ENJOYS making me feel like

crap!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 16, 2010, 7:47 PM

Ugh, it's true. I know she'll never say, " you are such an amazing mother. you

made such a great decision. And your husband is fantastic, too! "

I just wish she would keep her trap shut! And she's very forceful in her

opinions and I'm not. I'm so used to being quiet and polite, as my father

disciplined me to be.

I need to get over that, fast!

Thanks for your good words! I needed that.

> >

> > I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

> >

> > You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I

just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or

at all supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time,

she'll respond differently.

> >

> > Her response:

> > * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> > * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

> >

> > Her weaponry:

> > * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

> >

> > * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

> >

> > I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else,

I'm going to get grief from her.

> >

> > Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

oh, yes, same with my nada !!

Jackie

My mother could never compliment me that it didn't in some way benefit her.

" you're a good mother because I raised you right. " or " you are just like me,

always making sure you look nice. "

[Guest guest]

 So true....and that's why her praise is false.  When I began to realize

that her criticism was false too, I began to heal. Praise - criticism --

they're just opinions reflected by a distorted mirror.  -Leslye

Subject: Re: I think my nada ENJOYS making me feel like

crap!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 16, 2010, 7:47 PM

Ugh, it's true. I know she'll never say, " you are such an amazing mother. you

made such a great decision. And your husband is fantastic, too! "

I just wish she would keep her trap shut! And she's very forceful in her

opinions and I'm not. I'm so used to being quiet and polite, as my father

disciplined me to be.

I need to get over that, fast!

Thanks for your good words! I needed that.

> >

> > I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what looks

like a urinary tract infection.

> >

> > You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I

just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or

at all supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time,

she'll respond differently.

> >

> > Her response:

> > * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> > * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

> >

> > Her weaponry:

> > * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this has

been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying to

avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were done

for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time to

her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the place

we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

> >

> > * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

> >

> > I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else,

I'm going to get grief from her.

> >

> > Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" Praise - criticism -- they're just opinions reflected by a distorted

mirror. "

Thanks for this; such a good, good insight.

I'm saving this!

> > >

> > > I was telling her that my daughter (12 y o) had to go to ER with what

looks like a urinary tract infection.

> > >

> > > You know what?, as I write this, I realize, the ridiculous conversation I

just had with nada...is my fault. My fault for thinking it would be normal, or

at all supportive. I really am insane for thinking if I try one more time,

she'll respond differently.

> > >

> > > Her response:

> > > * panic...WHAT?! what happened??

> > > * fear...WHAT?! they're going to give her antibiotics?? you're letting

them?? antibiotics GIVE you infections!

> > >

> > > Her weaponry:

> > > * shame: why didn't you go with her?? (my husband went with her b/c this

has been, from noon today, an effort to find a dr who'd see her; we were trying

to avoid going to the ER. I found an Emergimed, but when I called, they were

done for the day. I got dressed ready to go and take her, twice (the first time

to her regular dr, who was closed, and then to the Emergimed). Each time the

place we were going to go was closing. Finally, I got tired of the stopping and

starting and decided to get some cleaning done while we were waiting for my

husband to come home to stay with the 5 year old, b/c we're leaving on vacation

Monday. He came home and seeing that I had other balls in the air (laundry,

dinner, 5 year old in bath), said he would take 12 year old to doctor. But I

didn't really feel like I needed to explain myself to my nada. Especially not

when she was phrasing her question in a way that was almost accusatory.

> > >

> > > * guilt: Girls like to be with their mothers during times like this. I

understand that, and don't disagree, but this is what was most convenient. She

had to go to the ER right away.

> > >

> > > I think I told her b/c I thought, well, if she hears it from someone else,

I'm going to get grief from her.

> > >

> > > Really, deep down, it just comes down to...I want my mommy to validate me.

Sigh. And it's never going to happen.

> > >

> >

>

>