Re: What I've learned

July 10, 2010

Hi Leslye,

Thank you for this very powerful email.

I appreciate your thoughts on this troubling topic,

~patricia

What I've learned

Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and

not speaking and speaking and.... you all know the drill and here I am and

here's what I've learned. My situation - I thought Mom had BPD, since then I've

learned that she has probable Multiple Personality Disorder and at least a few

of the personalities show signs of BPD. My father was diagnosed 2 years ago with

Alzheimers and Paranoid Schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur and most of the

things he told me about myself, my family and our history have turned out to be

lies. For the past 2 years, I have cared for my parents financially as Dad's

financial conservator, and have cared for my mother physically for the past 6

months. She remembers only what she chooses to remember, bows and scrapes to my

(definitely) borderline sister, and alternately praises and belittles my husband

and I, the only ones caring for her needs. For years I struggled in one form or

another

to establish my own identity apart from the " rude, bossy, hateful snot-nosed

little brat " that she called me as a child, and the " selfish, arrogant,

" English " (figure that one...) person " she called me as an adult. I tried

rebellion, non-communication, establishing boundries, compliance, communication

and dropping my boundries. I laughed at her and cried about her and hurt for her

and with her, and wanted to hurt her and here's what I've learned. None of it

worked.

As long as Mom remained a component of my anger, she remained in my thoughts

and I remained under her control. It was only when I let go. When I finally gave

up and chose to see her as a person unto herself who had faults and sucesses and

frailities and fears -- a person very much like me -- could I begin to create my

own self-image. When she criticized or hurt or intruded, I chose to see it as

someone who cared (notice: " CHOSE " --

I had to step beyond my own hurt and feelings). I didn't cave to her

intrusions and criticisms, but I stepped away from the anger of them and treated

them as I would if my best friend had said or done them. Instead of lashing out

or fuming at home, I learned to quietly say, " Mom, that's just not true. " and

drop it. Hard -- impossibly hard --in the beginning, but as the habit grew, I

grew. And when I began to be able to step away from my emotions and speak gently

as an adult, I began to finally feel like an adult, and when I began to feel

like an adult, I began to realize that it honestly didn't matter what she said

or did - her opinions had only as much power as I allowed them to have. I began

to take free online courses from MIT (opencourseware@...), and found that I

felt more secure and proud of myself -that quiet pride that gives a firm

foundation. I've been told that " the best revenge is a life well lived " but I

couldn't ever

get past the 'revenge' to the 'life'. So what I've learned is that my best

revenge was no revenge at all. It was " simply " (LOL) to step beyond myself and

my status as a KO. When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could

finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could

forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be

who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for

and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else

really mattered after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very)

slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the

one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom's voice lost it's power.

I finally found peace in the storm. -Leslye

hasEML = false;

July 11, 2010

" When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could finally step away from

the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could forgive her, I could

" forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be who I really am, a

wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for and has chosen to

love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else really mattered

after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very) slow realization

that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the one who hurt me

most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom' s voice lost it's power. I finally found

peace in the storm. "

Kay, I am saving your email; it is where I want to be.

You beautifully articulated the struggle.

I'm so, so happy for you that you're in a place where you don't need anything,

emotionally, from your parents. Where it's no longer such an open sore that

heals and then gets ripped open again.

Thanks so much for sharing.

>

> Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and

not speaking and speaking and.... you all know the drill and here I am and

here's what I've learned. My situation - I thought Mom had BPD, since then I've

learned that she has probable Multiple Personality Disorder and at least a few

of the personalities show signs of BPD. My father was diagnosed 2 years ago

with Alzheimers and Paranoid Schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur and most

of the things he told me about myself, my family and our history have turned out

to be lies. For the past 2 years, I have cared for my parents financially as

Dad's financial conservator, and have cared for my mother physically for the

past 6 months. She remembers only what she chooses to remember, bows and

scrapes to my (definitely) borderline sister, and alternately praises and

belittles my husband and I, the only ones caring for her needs. For years I

struggled in one form or another

> to establish my own identity apart from the " rude, bossy, hateful snot-nosed

little brat " that she called me as a child, and the " selfish, arrogant,

" English " (figure that one...) person " she called me as an adult. I tried

rebellion, non-communication, establishing boundries, compliance, communication

and dropping my boundries. I laughed at her and cried about her and hurt for

her and with her, and wanted to hurt her and here's what I've learned. None of

it worked.

> As long as Mom remained a component of my anger, she remained in my thoughts

and I remained under her control. It was only when I let go. When I finally

gave up and chose to see her as a person unto herself who had faults and

sucesses and frailities and fears -- a person very much like me -- could I begin

to create my own self-image. When she criticized or hurt or intruded, I chose

to see it as someone who cared (notice: " CHOSE " --

> I had to step beyond my own hurt and feelings). I didn't cave to

her intrusions and criticisms, but I stepped away from the anger of them and

treated them as I would if my best friend had said or done them. Instead of

lashing out or fuming at home, I learned to quietly say, " Mom, that's just not

true. " and drop it. Hard -- impossibly hard --in the beginning, but as the

habit grew, I grew. And when I began to be able to step away from my emotions

and speak gently as an adult, I began to finally feel like an adult, and when I

began to feel like an adult, I began to realize that it honestly didn't matter

what she said or did - her opinions had only as much power as I allowed them to

have. I began to take free online courses from MIT (opencourseware@...), and

found that I felt more secure and proud of myself -that quiet pride that gives a

firm foundation. I've been told that " the best revenge is a life well

lived " but I couldn't ever

> get past the 'revenge' to the 'life'. So what I've learned is that my best

revenge was no revenge at all. It was " simply " (LOL) to step beyond myself

and my status as a KO. When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could

finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image. When I could

forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be

who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for

and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are. Nothing else

really mattered after all. No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very)

slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the

one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom's voice lost it's

power. I finally found peace in the storm. -Leslye

>

> hasEML = false;

>

July 11, 2010

L Kay

My gosh! I can't believe what you must have been through... a nada with multiple

personalities, some of which have BPD!!! That just sounds awful. At least she

consented to getting diagnosed, so there is some aknowledgement of the reality.

I really understand. There are many stages to this process to get to where you

are, and I think I am right there with you.

I have been NC for five years, and I needed that time to understand and heal.

Lately (and you can see my posts why) I have come to a place of acceptance. I

accept that this is the FOO I was born into.

There are all kinds of tools for boundaries and so forth, what you mention, and

I want to learn these skills, because in the end, this is my Family of Origin.

These are the people who knew me as a child, these are the people who raised me.

Although I will never be close to them, I do want to reestablish contact, maybe

once a year, to just show my face and to meet other people in the FOO, children

I haven't met. Of course, my FOO has never acknowledged that anything is wrong,

they live in full fledged Oz.

Do you have any recommendations, how to reestablish contact and keep boundaries

up? What specific experiences have you had??

Thanks,

Walkingto Happiness

> >

> > Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and