After No Contact, Still Feeling Haunted

July 11, 2010

I finally made the decision to end all contact once and for all with my BP

mother a year and a half ago and changed my phone number, address and all

identifying information that might lead her to me. Lately, I've been overcome

with thoughts that she might have finally succeeded at one of the countless

suicide attempts she has made throughout my life and this thought has been

bringing up all of that old fear, obligation and guilt. I've begun the habit of

searching for an obituary and death certificate on her and have even begun

experiencing " hauntings. " (She'd threatened me since I was tiny that she would

haunt me after death, and the thing is, I do not believe in this sort of

phenomenon.) Such is the power of FOG, I suppose.

My mother was the classic Witch BPD, if you're familiar. She was especially

violent and abusive. I was taken from her at the age of 14, after someone

witnessed a beating, and did not hear from her throughout high school. She

contacted me at graduation and asked me to return to her. I gave up better

college opportunities and did so. The ensuing years with her were hell. She is

comorbid with bipolar disorder and was once considered schizotypal, but it may

be that either the BP or bipolar disorders are especially severe in that she has

frequent psychotic episodes. She has always seen and spoken to " dead people. "

She is dual diagnosed - an alcoholic (more recently) and addicted to

prescription pain killers (30+ years).

My mother has fired guns in my direction beginning at around 5 or 6 years old

(and has an arrest record for nearly killing one of her husbands this way)

simply to frighten and torment me. She was directly complicit in my childhood

sexual abuse. I have an older brother that she simply gave up for adoption.

Still, I served as her caretaker, the person who attempted to ensure that she

was physically and emotionally as well as she could be. Despite her

retaliations, I carried her medical and mental health histories in desperate

hope that someone would be willing to help her (she always managed to sabotage

any help that might be forthcoming). Because I was the one who called EMS

whenever there was a suicide attempt, I was blamed for the ensuing

hospitalizations and whatever " abuses " she felt she had to endure there (such as

being relieved of an under wire bra and made subject to the stares of men who

worked there. She was certain I'd done this deliberately to victimize her and

make her subject to potential rape).

I really could go on, but this is long enough. All of you know what I am

talking about. I'm glad that I found this space, and I really don't know why I

hadn't looked for it sooner. I'd thought that I was healthfully past the issues

surrounding my mother a long time ago, but recently, issues of PTSD have been

cropping up for me. At 34, and being a mother to a daughter myself, I'm

interested in doing whatever I can to heal.

Thanks to all of you for being here and sharing what you do.

July 11, 2010

I know what you mean about feeling haunted.

I went two years NC from my own nada. It was really hard at first, because I

could never ever stop thinking about it. Nada was with me all the time no matter

what I was doing. I couldn't enjoy anything about life because nada was hanging

out in the back of my mind like a ghost that won't go away.

It does get easier, with time.

You just have to constantly remind yourself that you haven't done anything wrong

by going NC. You are protecting yourself and your own children from someone who

is both emotionally and physically damaging. Sounds like your nada does more

harm than good.

I hope that you soon find peace. I know that is all I want when I can't get nada

out of my head. Just peace. You will find it.

~Sara Jo

>

> I finally made the decision to end all contact once and for all with my BP

> mother a year and a half ago and changed my phone number, address and all

> identifying information that might lead her to me. Lately, I've been overcome

> with thoughts that she might have finally succeeded at one of the countless

> suicide attempts she has made throughout my life and this thought has been

> bringing up all of that old fear, obligation and guilt. I've begun the habit

of

> searching for an obituary and death certificate on her and have even begun

> experiencing " hauntings. " (She'd threatened me since I was tiny that she

would

> haunt me after death, and the thing is, I do not believe in this sort of

> phenomenon.) Such is the power of FOG, I suppose.

>

> My mother was the classic Witch BPD, if you're familiar. She was especially

> violent and abusive. I was taken from her at the age of 14, after someone

> witnessed a beating, and did not hear from her throughout high school. She

> contacted me at graduation and asked me to return to her. I gave up better

> college opportunities and did so. The ensuing years with her were hell. She

is

> comorbid with bipolar disorder and was once considered schizotypal, but it may

> be that either the BP or bipolar disorders are especially severe in that she

has

> frequent psychotic episodes. She has always seen and spoken to " dead people. "

> She is dual diagnosed - an alcoholic (more recently) and addicted to

> prescription pain killers (30+ years).

>

> My mother has fired guns in my direction beginning at around 5 or 6 years old

> (and has an arrest record for nearly killing one of her husbands this way)

> simply to frighten and torment me. She was directly complicit in my childhood

> sexual abuse. I have an older brother that she simply gave up for adoption.

> Still, I served as her caretaker, the person who attempted to ensure that she

> was physically and emotionally as well as she could be. Despite her

> retaliations, I carried her medical and mental health histories in desperate

> hope that someone would be willing to help her (she always managed to sabotage

> any help that might be forthcoming). Because I was the one who called EMS

> whenever there was a suicide attempt, I was blamed for the ensuing

> hospitalizations and whatever " abuses " she felt she had to endure there (such

as

> being relieved of an under wire bra and made subject to the stares of men who

> worked there. She was certain I'd done this deliberately to victimize her and

> make her subject to potential rape).

>

> I really could go on, but this is long enough. All of you know what I am

> talking about. I'm glad that I found this space, and I really don't know why

I

> hadn't looked for it sooner. I'd thought that I was healthfully past the

issues

> surrounding my mother a long time ago, but recently, issues of PTSD have been

> cropping up for me. At 34, and being a mother to a daughter myself, I'm

> interested in doing whatever I can to heal.

>

> Thanks to all of you for being here and sharing what you do.

>

July 12, 2010

there are meditations you can do where you focus on pulling white light down

through your head and letting it flow through your body into the ground, or from

the ground up into your body. it inspires a feeling of positivity and warmth and

protection. I am very sorry that you are having these feelings and it might be

worth getting a private investigator to confirm it one way or the other so you

know for sure. I sincerely hope if your mother has passed on that it is to a

place of growth and not staying stuck on her mistakes of this life. that would

be a tragedy on top of a tragedy. It's seems to me a bit strange that someone

who does things like this is diganosed bpd when it seems much more severe than

that, like psychotic. Sometimes it seems to me that with mothers in particular

they would be called psychotic if they did these things to anyone but their own

children.