Re: Nada attack last week. Aftermath today.

July 11, 2010

that shows you have childish and immature she is, not having anything to do

with you because you have contact with a third party that has nothing to do

with her at all...you're an adult, you have to make your own decisions...

Jackie

Ok, so it's all my fault.

Last week my nada found out I went to visit my father. My nada is mad about

that. Long story short, my father was not in my life for 15 years. I always

thought it was because he didn't want anything to do with us, but after

reuniting with him last summer I found that nada kept us away from him for

the most part. My dad made bad mistakes, too, but my nada was a big part of

why he wasn't in my life. Anywho, i went to visit them on 4th of july

weekend, and didn't tell nada. she found out anyway. Last week when she

found out I got all kinds of nasty texts and was attacked.

I was NC with nada for 2 years. I reunited with her last December. Things

were good. I've gone to visit her twice, and I call her every Sunday. most

conversations are good. After she attacked me last week, I just told myself

that we are NC again. But today, being Sunday I thought I would give it a

try. BIG MISTAKE.

Granted, I was not surprised when the conversation turned bad. So I'm not

TOO torn today. Just a little. She just kept going on and on about what a

bad man my dad is, how he wasn't around, how he hurt me when I was a kid and

how SHE was the one to dry my tears and make me happy again. It was all

about how much my dad didn't do and how much my mom DID do. I didn't bring

up that I know about what she did to keep us away from my dad, and I didn't

bring up anything bad she did.I would agree and say that yes, things were

bad when I was growing up....that it sucked that my dad wasn't part of my

life, but that I've decided to let go of the anger and resentment and try to

have him in my life now that I'm adult. I told her that she should be happy

that I no longer have the bitterness in my heart. Her response to that was

that it would have been ok to have a one time meeting with him to " let go "

of the anger, but to let him go after that. That's what would have been

acceptable to her. I told her that it makes me happy to have BOTH parents in

my life, and that if she wants me to be happy like she says she does, then

we can get through this and we can agree to disagree. She did not agree with

that. She was hysterical. She said that " it all comes down to loyalty, sara

jo " . " YOu think about that! " . She just kept telling me to " think about that "

after anything she said. She told me that having a relationship with my dad

was a betrayal to her.

Then she started saying stuff that had nothing to do with the situation. She

said that I had a huge ego and that I think I'm smarter than her. Then she

said " if I werent there for you where would you be now? " Then she asked " who

helped you become successful? " . she kept asking over and over. I told her

that I was very proud of my success in life. she said " oh so you did it on

your own? You think you have yourself to thank? " .

She said that the only reason I wanted a relationship with my dad and his

family was because I want the attention.Because I wanted to flaunt all my

accomplishments. She said that I have no self esteem and that's why I wanted

to see my dad.

She said " well, you have a new family now, so you don't need me " .

She told me as long as I talk to them that she does not want a relationship

with me, because she can't accept it. I tried to reiterate that was HER

decision, not mine, that I still want her in my life. And she said " no, YOUR

actions made that decision for me. " .

I told her that if she really loved me she would not put conditions on her

love for me. She said that she always loves me. I told her that when you

love your kids you have a relationship with them. She of course disagrees

with that. Says that she loves me but won't have anything to do with me as

long as i talk to my dad.

The whole talk was just awful. But I shouldn't have called her. I could have

avoided this. when will I learn?

She is giving me an ultimatum. And since I'm not going to break it off with

my dad, i feel like I'm taking her ultimatum. I didn't want to. I wanted

both of them in my life.

~Sara Jo

July 11, 2010

Jackie, you are right. Funny thing is, my nada kept saying the same thing. " you

are an adult sara, i can't tell you what to do... " but then she would say that

if i keep talking to my dad that she wants nothing to do with me.

She makes the decision but tells me I made the decision.

Makes no sense.

~Sara Jo

>

> that shows you have childish and immature she is, not having anything to do

> with you because you have contact with a third party that has nothing to do

> with her at all...you're an adult, you have to make your own decisions...

>

> Jackie

>

> Ok, so it's all my fault.

> Last week my nada found out I went to visit my father. My nada is mad about

> that. Long story short, my father was not in my life for 15 years. I always

> thought it was because he didn't want anything to do with us, but after

> reuniting with him last summer I found that nada kept us away from him for

> the most part. My dad made bad mistakes, too, but my nada was a big part of

> why he wasn't in my life. Anywho, i went to visit them on 4th of july

> weekend, and didn't tell nada. she found out anyway. Last week when she

> found out I got all kinds of nasty texts and was attacked.

>

> I was NC with nada for 2 years. I reunited with her last December. Things

> were good. I've gone to visit her twice, and I call her every Sunday. most

> conversations are good. After she attacked me last week, I just told myself

> that we are NC again. But today, being Sunday I thought I would give it a

> try. BIG MISTAKE.

>

> Granted, I was not surprised when the conversation turned bad. So I'm not

> TOO torn today. Just a little. She just kept going on and on about what a

> bad man my dad is, how he wasn't around, how he hurt me when I was a kid and

> how SHE was the one to dry my tears and make me happy again. It was all

> about how much my dad didn't do and how much my mom DID do. I didn't bring

> up that I know about what she did to keep us away from my dad, and I didn't

> bring up anything bad she did.I would agree and say that yes, things were

> bad when I was growing up....that it sucked that my dad wasn't part of my

> life, but that I've decided to let go of the anger and resentment and try to

> have him in my life now that I'm adult. I told her that she should be happy

> that I no longer have the bitterness in my heart. Her response to that was

> that it would have been ok to have a one time meeting with him to " let go "

> of the anger, but to let him go after that. That's what would have been

> acceptable to her. I told her that it makes me happy to have BOTH parents in

> my life, and that if she wants me to be happy like she says she does, then

> we can get through this and we can agree to disagree. She did not agree with

> that. She was hysterical. She said that " it all comes down to loyalty, sara

> jo " . " YOu think about that! " . She just kept telling me to " think about that "

> after anything she said. She told me that having a relationship with my dad

> was a betrayal to her.

> Then she started saying stuff that had nothing to do with the situation. She

> said that I had a huge ego and that I think I'm smarter than her. Then she

> said " if I werent there for you where would you be now? " Then she asked " who

> helped you become successful? " . she kept asking over and over. I told her

> that I was very proud of my success in life. she said " oh so you did it on

> your own? You think you have yourself to thank? " .

> She said that the only reason I wanted a relationship with my dad and his

> family was because I want the attention.Because I wanted to flaunt all my

> accomplishments. She said that I have no self esteem and that's why I wanted

> to see my dad.

> She said " well, you have a new family now, so you don't need me " .

> She told me as long as I talk to them that she does not want a relationship

> with me, because she can't accept it. I tried to reiterate that was HER

> decision, not mine, that I still want her in my life. And she said " no, YOUR

> actions made that decision for me. " .

> I told her that if she really loved me she would not put conditions on her

> love for me. She said that she always loves me. I told her that when you

> love your kids you have a relationship with them. She of course disagrees

> with that. Says that she loves me but won't have anything to do with me as

> long as i talk to my dad.

>

> The whole talk was just awful. But I shouldn't have called her. I could have

> avoided this. when will I learn?

>

> She is giving me an ultimatum. And since I'm not going to break it off with

> my dad, i feel like I'm taking her ultimatum. I didn't want to. I wanted

> both of them in my life.

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

July 11, 2010

of course ! that way she can twist it into it's YOUR fault, not hers, when

anyone can clearly see she's the unreasonable one. What possible reason

could she have for you to not speak with your father, other than she expects

if it's her enemy, then he has to be yours as well, or you're a traitor !!

and we all know how silly, unfair and wrong this behavior from her is...but

it's typical nada behavior...sigh...

Jackie

Jackie, you are right. Funny thing is, my nada kept saying the same thing.

" you are an adult sara, i can't tell you what to do... " but then she would

say that if i keep talking to my dad that she wants nothing to do with me.

She makes the decision but tells me I made the decision.

Makes no sense.

~Sara Jo

July 11, 2010

Sara Jo,

That sounds so typical of a nada. She said one thing - " you are

an adult sara, i can't tell you what to do... " but she really

meant the opposite - " I will tell you what to do and if you

don't do it, then I'll punish you because I don't want to treat

you like a separate adult " . Everything has to be your fault and

she has to have her way or else. The only way to make any sense

of the way that act is to see them as having the emotional

maturity of a toddler in an adult's body with an adult's

experience in learning to manipulate people.

At 01:54 PM 07/11/2010 sara j wrote:

>Jackie, you are right. Funny thing is, my nada kept saying the

>same thing. " you are an adult sara, i can't tell you what to

>do... " but then she would say that if i keep talking to my dad

>that she wants nothing to do with me.

>She makes the decision but tells me I made the decision.

>

>Makes no sense.

>~Sara Jo

--

Katrina

July 11, 2010

That's a great way to think of nadas- as toddlers. Sara Jo, your story made my

skin crawl! I can completely relate to that type of ultimatum. And I can tell

you from many many ultimatums, you well never win. Well, winning in my mind is

being reasonable and having nada be reasonable with the outcome. The real

outcome is either: 1. you cave, give nada what she wants, she calms down until

she gives you another ultimatum and repeats the cycle. or, 2. you make a

personal, reasonable, responsible decision and nada goes into hysterics. Of

course this results in a ton of guilt that taints what you fought over in the

first place. It's absolutely ludicrous that those are your options. It

completely sucks, but the reason I always tend to go for #2 is not even for the

outcome it provides me- it's for the symbolic gesture that nada can't get

everything she wants all the time. It's like not getting your kid a $10 toy

whenever they want it even if you can afford it. And likewise, this will cause a

horrible temper tantrum but you're doing it for nada's sake, even if she can't

see that. Good luck, I hope things get better!

> >Jackie, you are right. Funny thing is, my nada kept saying the

> >same thing. " you are an adult sara, i can't tell you what to

> >do... " but then she would say that if i keep talking to my dad

> >that she wants nothing to do with me.

> >She makes the decision but tells me I made the decision.

> >

> >Makes no sense.

> >~Sara Jo

>

> --

> Katrina

>

July 11, 2010

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I think that no matter how long I deal with this, my nada's " reasoning " and her

comments ALWAYS surprise me.

She actually told me that I'm doing this in spite of her, and that she thinks

I'm deliberately trying to make her unhappy, and that I " enjoy it quite a bit " .

She says I'm no longer sara with the heart of gold. That I just have a heart of

steel.

Why does it all still get to me? Why am I always surprised? I've made the

decision to go NC from now on, for good.

The other issue I have is my sister. She is always on nada's side. So she wants

nothing to do with me anymore either.

My sister has a part time evening job at the same place i work. I won't be

surprised if she finds another job soon, just as a statement towards me that she

doesn't want to be around me (even though we don't work the same job). It sucks

because my sister and I were just beginning to be close again, and I love her so

much. She used to make me laugh so much. I haven't actually spoken to her since

this all went down, but she hasn't spoken to me either, and she won't even look

at me at work. I thought about giving her a call, but I'm not sure she would

even answer, and if she did, I'm sure nothing good would come from it.

I hate it because I truly love my family. I don't give them conditions on my

love like they give me. When you love someone you want to show them you love

them, and tell them. I'm not allowed to do that in this situation. That's the

part that hurts. REJECTION.

~Sara Jo

> > >Jackie, you are right. Funny thing is, my nada kept saying the

> > >same thing. " you are an adult sara, i can't tell you what to

> > >do... " but then she would say that if i keep talking to my dad

> > >that she wants nothing to do with me.

> > >She makes the decision but tells me I made the decision.

> > >

> > >Makes no sense.

> > >~Sara Jo

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

July 11, 2010

Sara Jo,

" I shouldn't have called her. I could have avoided this. when will I learn??

That's all I keep asking myself lately. When on earth will I ever learn?? My

nada's a chihuahua but I keep wanting her to act like a German shepherd. I'm

relatively intelligent; why am I not getting this??!

I guess your nada made the decision for you. It's too bad, b/c you obviously do

love her and want to try to make things work.

But if you say, " ok, Mom, I won't contact Dad again, " forget it; she'll really

feel all-powerful over you.

It's so sad.

Fiona

>

> Ok, so it's all my fault.

> Last week my nada found out I went to visit my father. My nada is mad about

that. Long story short, my father was not in my life for 15 years. I always

thought it was because he didn't want anything to do with us, but after

reuniting with him last summer I found that nada kept us away from him for the

most part. My dad made bad mistakes, too, but my nada was a big part of why he

wasn't in my life. Anywho, i went to visit them on 4th of july weekend, and

didn't tell nada. she found out anyway. Last week when she found out I got all

kinds of nasty texts and was attacked.

>

> I was NC with nada for 2 years. I reunited with her last December. Things were

good. I've gone to visit her twice, and I call her every Sunday. most

conversations are good. After she attacked me last week, I just told myself that

we are NC again. But today, being Sunday I thought I would give it a try. BIG

MISTAKE.

>

> Granted, I was not surprised when the conversation turned bad. So I'm not TOO

torn today. Just a little. She just kept going on and on about what a bad man my

dad is, how he wasn't around, how he hurt me when I was a kid and how SHE was

the one to dry my tears and make me happy again. It was all about how much my

dad didn't do and how much my mom DID do. I didn't bring up that I know about

what she did to keep us away from my dad, and I didn't bring up anything bad she

did.I would agree and say that yes, things were bad when I was growing

up....that it sucked that my dad wasn't part of my life, but that I've decided

to let go of the anger and resentment and try to have him in my life now that

I'm adult. I told her that she should be happy that I no longer have the

bitterness in my heart. Her response to that was that it would have been ok to

have a one time meeting with him to " let go " of the anger, but to let him go

after that. That's what would have been acceptable to her. I told her that it

makes me happy to have BOTH parents in my life, and that if she wants me to be

happy like she says she does, then we can get through this and we can agree to

disagree. She did not agree with that. She was hysterical. She said that " it all

comes down to loyalty, sara jo " . " YOu think about that! " . She just kept telling

me to " think about that " after anything she said. She told me that having a

relationship with my dad was a betrayal to her.

> Then she started saying stuff that had nothing to do with the situation. She

said that I had a huge ego and that I think I'm smarter than her. Then she said

" if I werent there for you where would you be now? " Then she asked " who helped

you become successful? " . she kept asking over and over. I told her that I was

very proud of my success in life. she said " oh so you did it on your own? You

think you have yourself to thank? " .

> She said that the only reason I wanted a relationship with my dad and his

family was because I want the attention.Because I wanted to flaunt all my

accomplishments. She said that I have no self esteem and that's why I wanted to

see my dad.

> She said " well, you have a new family now, so you don't need me " .

> She told me as long as I talk to them that she does not want a relationship

with me, because she can't accept it. I tried to reiterate that was HER

decision, not mine, that I still want her in my life. And she said " no, YOUR

actions made that decision for me. " .

> I told her that if she really loved me she would not put conditions on her

love for me. She said that she always loves me. I told her that when you love

your kids you have a relationship with them. She of course disagrees with that.

Says that she loves me but won't have anything to do with me as long as i talk

to my dad.

>

> The whole talk was just awful. But I shouldn't have called her. I could have

avoided this. when will I learn?

>

> She is giving me an ultimatum. And since I'm not going to break it off with my

dad, i feel like I'm taking her ultimatum. I didn't want to. I wanted both of

them in my life.

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

July 11, 2010

Wow!Reading that was almost a recount of pieces of my own story! I just want

to say firstly, that none of this is any of your fault! While it is important to

be self-reflective, being treated in this way is through no wrong doing of your

own!

You were doing what you thought was the right and decent thing to do by calling

your mum and the fact that she still harbours such resentment has nothing to do

with your actions. The same outburst could very well have happened if you didn't

call her! You had a feeling that she may have done this, but their behaviour is

so hard to predict that it is near impossible to ever do the " right " thing in

their eyes. So please stop feeling bad!

I am similar in that I didn't grow up with my dad and didn't meet him until I

was 16. My mum does the opposite though where she presents him as though he was

the love of her life (they were together when they were very young at 17). She

blames other people " interfering " for their break up and idolises him. My

step-mother is the big baddy in her eyes, though she has done nothing really.

They met after mum and he had a relationship and they have had a family of their

own. She was the one that pushed dad to get in contact with me.

Mum is forever saying how happy she is that we have a relationship, but a few

times a year rings him out off the blue to yell at him and his wife. They are

always perplexed by this behaviour and can't see why she is still so focussed on

them. It has been 33 years since mum and dad where together. I am always furious

when I find out as it makes things very awkward and I am always worried that dad

thinks that I complain to mum for not doing more for me. My anger is always

diffused though, because like with everything her erratic behaviour is a

justified- it is fuelled by her immense love for me. She gets angry that they

don't help me more and so on (he has done well financially and mum has always

struggled). And I can't help but think mum has worked so hard as a single parent

and has been there for me and dad just easily walked away and avoided any

responsibility, so I always excuse the behaviour. But as an adult I totally

understand his actions. He was young and freaked out and moved interstate. I

totally get it!

Anyway, she says that she is happy for us to have a relationship, but I think

she really harbours a lot of resentment still.

Like you, I have just had a period of N.C with my mum, only for a few weeks, but

it was my first conscious decision to do this after a recent attack from her and

I wrote to her to tell her she needed help with her anger. I was nervous about

meeting her and unsure how I would keep strong in my boundary setting as I

always just " forgive and forget " so to speak and we carry on as " normal " until

the next blow up.

Well, she was obviously really angry with me when we met up. She didn't like me

calling the shots. She tried to not meet up with me when I asked if we could

meet half an hour later because my baby was sleeping. She said not to worry, to

let her sleep for as long as she needed, she would meet me another day. I

insisted as she always does stuff like this where she is always being so

reasonable and somehow making concessions for me and I wasn't going to allow it-

though tempting, I could have gotten out of it!

Anyway, the catch up was ok. She made some seemingly innocent comments, which

were clearly references to points of recent conflict, which I didn't buy into. I

tried to keep the chat casual and focussed on my baby and she said painful

things like " Do you still recognise me darling. It's been such a long time " to

my daughter. Anyway, it was really all quite annoying, but could have been

worse.

I mentioned meeting up the following weekend and we left it at that. She

messaged me the next day to say what a beautiful mum, friend and partner I was,

which just annoyed me so much. I don't need a running commentary on how I am

currently being favoured or unfavoured by her. I would normally have tried to be

very positive in response to this as I always try and encourage her " nice "

behaviour. Instead I was fairly dismissive and said that I wasn't especially

wonderful, just going about my thing like everyone doing my best.

Anyway,in my mind I was thinking that I could probably manage seeing her once a

week at a neutral place. But I should have known she wasn't going to play!!!!

The next weekend, I hadn't heard from her and I had some social stuff on, so I

didn't bother organising anything with her. On Saturday she messaged a general

how are you and then some kind of obscure message totally out of context. That's

always a bad sign! I messaged her back and asked if she wanted to meet for a

walk in the gardens early in the week and I got back a " darling daughter, we

were supposed to have lunch today, your invite. Don't worry though I have study

to do " to which I replied that I remember mentioning catching up, but that we

didn't have any concrete plans as I recalled " . " Don't worry, we all forget what

we say " came the reply. AHHHHHHH! I wasn't giving in. I wasn't going to accept

her spin on the situation and she wasn't going to be making concessions for my

forgetfulness!!! I kept my messages nice, but didn't back down " I do remember

suggesting it, but we didn't have any definite plans " .

Needless to say, the messages became increasingly hostile and I can totally

relate to your experience of totally unrelated stuff coming out. All of a sudden

it was about me not wanting her in my life, that don't worry I am free of her

and her mother, to scrap my childhood because it who would want to remember that

crap etc. etc. She has also told me that I have a new family now, not to worry

about her, just as your mum said to you.

I calmly replied that it was her, not me saying that I wanted her out of my life

and that I hadn't been in touch much because I had still been feeling hurt by

some of the things that she said to me and that I was doing my best.

I should have known that she wouldn't behave and allow me to have any control in

our relationship. I just can't accept her behaviour any more and she doesn't

like it.

That sounds a lot like your situation to me. You are not allowing your mum to

call the shots and it is taking her power away and she doesn't like it. I don't

think you could have done anything differently and like you said she is the one

who has made the decision, not you. It sounds like you handled the situation

brilliantly and kept a very calm, levelled head. I really hope that you stop

feeling like any of this is your fault.

I'm sorry I blabbed so much about my situation. I never intend to write so much,

but I find it so hard to summarise concisely and I guess it helps to write it

all down.

It never seems to matter where I'm at with my mum, the incessant worry is always

there at the back of my thoughts somewhere- running things over in my mind,

self-doubt, sadness, anxiety about when she might call again etc etc. I would so

love to be free of this, but alas can't see how I ever will be. I guess I just

have to accept that is a part of my life that I just have to manage somehow. The

challenge is staying sane in the meantime!

Well, for now I'm just going to try and enjoy not having any contact for a

while, while I figure out where to next. I hope that you can do the same.

I really wish you well with this.

With warmth.

Lynda