Difficulty keeping resolve and setting boundaries

[Guest guest]

I have been writing about being in a new place in my interactions with my mum

after her most recent angry outburst. Recently I wrote to her to tell her that I

loved her very much but felt that she needed to get help with her anger and that

I couldn't keep seeing her until she did.

I guess the reason that it feels like a new place is that I finally believe

wholeheartedly that her well-being is not my responsibility and that disallowing

her to abuse me is beneficial not only for myself, but for her as well. I have

learnt to set boundaries in the last few years, but the cycle of her " blow ups "

has continued and I have never really confronted her as directly about her

behaviour as I have just recently done.

Unfortunately a lot of what I'm still feeling doesn't feel new at all. The

continual worry at the back of my mind, the continual sadness that things aren't

different and the continual inner dialogue questioning whether or not I really

am the horrible selfish person that she says that I am-perhaps I was somehow the

cause of her angry tirade?!

It has been a few weeks since I have seen her and in that time I have had some

very nice, loving text messages from her and some tearful phone calls, both to

myself and my partner. The first phone conversation that I had with her, she

apologised and then started making excuses- she is so sick and in desperate need

of love, she has lost so much weight, her body is breaking down on her etc, etc.

I would normally have gone along with the excuses, but I stayed very strong in

communicating that there was absolutely NO excuse for the behaviour, that you

simply cannot behave like that under ANY circumstances.

Upon reflection, I started feeling quite bad that I didn't have the grace to

accept her apology (a big step for her), though I did thank her for it, I just

couldn't soften and say that everything was ok.

It didn't help that I went to a friend's father's funeral the next day and was

very moved by the sentiment of life being short, to live with an open heart, to

forgive and let go of anger etc. I try to live by these principles in my life

and so these words resonated.

I phoned her the next day and left a message saying that I hoped she had a good

day and that I hoped to catch up with her during the week.

Well, the week rolled on and I just couldn't face seeing her. It is so hard to

say, but I just don't feel like having her anywhere near me at the moment and

I'm also really unsure how to handle seeing her again. All of her behaviour just

feels so manipulative. I cancelled meeting her and have suggested going out for

a cuppa over the weekend.

I must admit I'm feeling nervous. I just don't know where to from here.

All of the advice I have been given about seeing her again is to keep really

strong, consistent boundaries and I know it's the right advice, but the coldness

of that feels heartbreaking to me and I don't know if I can do it. It feels like

I have to harden my heart and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

I also don't know how to frame the boundaries at all. When things are seemingly

fine, our relationship has an intense closeness to it (only child/single mum)

which on the one hand has always felt uncomfortable as it is so overbearing and

I'm always waiting for things to turn. But on the other hand, there is a certain

degree of fondness and comfort in familiarity and it is so easy to slip back

into because mum has this amazing soft, gentle, caring side.

I guess my quandary is how to set boundaries to protect myself without

compromising a sense of humility and compassion.

Oh how I would love to share an uncomplicated cuppa and scone with my mother.

But alas it isn't to be!

I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Thanks for reading.

With warmth,

Lynda