She loves me, she loves me not....

July 5, 2010

A few weeks a go, I was a cruel, nasty, selfish daughter who never has time for

her and whom she would ensure wouldn't be there when she died and yesterday she

messaged me to say that I was a beautiful, strong woman, home-maker (this was

especially perplexing as I'm not an overly zealous home-maker who aspires to the

50s type of perfection in my home, in fact I expect equal input from my partner

here-you know women's lib and all that), mother and friend.

Tell me please, is this " nice mum " stuff just a part of the manipulation and

control??

I was grappling with this question last night and got out my trusty " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and it said to view it more as desperation as the

behaviour isn't motivated by malintent, but a coping mechanism that they may not

even be aware of.

I'm not sure that made me feel better. I have been trying to keep strong and

keep my distance emotionally in preparation for a catch up with her after a

string of recent verbal abuse.

Being angry about the way I have been treated recently kind of helps me keep the

strength I need to not relent and fall back into the relationship with " nice

mum " again. Though I know anger isn't healthy and certainly not a helpful place

to work from.

I think it has also helped that I am finally in a place where I don't need her

approval and as sad as it makes me and as heartbreaking as it sometimes feels, I

know that I don't need her in my life to be ok. I used to just crave her gentle,

caring, softness(which manifested as incredibly overbearing love for me where I

could do know wrong and was still very difficult to deal with), which is in part

why I have always accepted her excuses and placed her behaviour in the framework

of her being truly lovely and caring and being motivated by the loveliest

intentions, but that she has had a hard life and is just sick. I think now that

view was just utter denial and a way of coping with the perplexing behaviour.

Now it's funny, it's not at all about craving my loving mum (though there is

definitely ongoing mourning) or seeking her approval.

It's more about confronting the truth of her behaviour and developing some

strategies to cope with it and protect myself.

Perhaps there's a happy medium between being angry with her and being in denial

and excusing the behaviour- staying strong within myself and maintaining my

boundaries, while maintaining compassion for her and her journey. I'm not sure,

but I think that's where I'm headed with this.

So, I am trying to step forward from this new place and it feels uncomfortable,

uncertain and unthinkably sad at times, but in a way liberating.

Peace to you all.

Lynda

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