Re: She died on July 2

[Guest guest]

Please accept my deepest condolences. I know it was a complicated loss, but it

is still a deep loss.

You aren't crazy. The vigil you held would have broken anyone down!! But you

didn't didn't break down--you held strong, you did what you needed, and you

honored your mother in a powerful, sacrificial, and meaningful way. Which is

all the more amazing, given who she was in your life. I can't help but think

your vigil made her " transition " much more easy. I know she was scared, and

having you hold her hand, after a life of torment, was a beautiful gift. And I

really admire you for that.

You are in the midst of an intensely difficult time. And, with her so " present "

in your life right now, it makes complete sense you feel like she's watching

over your shoulder. She's EVERYWHERE and everything about her is INTENSE right

now!!

So, if I may, give yourself permission to feel however you feel. You're not

crazy. You are very very normal. Well, not normal--you've shown strength and

compassion WAY beyond what is normal. You are exceptional. This is just a lot

of stuff to slog through.

Finally, I couldn't help but wonder if your fears have anything to do with you

being so fabulous through this process? I know, when I did something especially

compassionate or good, there was always a punishment coming if nada found out.

Could you be waiting for the shoe to drop because you've been such a strong,

stable, giving grown-up? Hmmmm . . .

Just know you don't walk alone--

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

I am sorry for your pain, it is complicated indeed.

You have done everything that a decent, caring person would do and more so let

yourself off the hook a little. You're cousin is a b*itch, sorry to say. You're

in an extremely vulnerable state and grieving your mother and all this idiot can

do is push *her own* agenda on you with respect to your mother's remains?

Seriously? Have you considered going LC or NC with your idiot excuse for a

cousin? It seems she offers nothing but pain, self-doubt, and frustration.

THANKS BUT NO THANKS!

It's hard to offer advice because I have not been in your situation yet but if

it were me, I would go with mother's last, most recent, expressed wishes from

her, to you. That's it and that's all. Your cousin needs to bud out and let you

mourn. You don't even have to explain yourself to her, she doesn't deserve it

anyway. You are respecting your mother's last known wishes, there should be no

guilt associated with doing just that, ok?

I think there's something to the other poster's comments regarding your feeling

that the other shoe will drop. I can relate to this too. If I ever, ever did

anything positive, outstanding or kind my nada would surely find a way to ruin

it and shame me. It's very triggering and it's hard to find peace when that's

what you grew up with.

I hope this helps, even in a small way. I know you will feel better eventually.

Think of yourself as a tiger my dear, because that's exactly what you are.

[Guest guest]

I recently posted because after going NC a year-and-a-half ago, and making

myself virtually untraceable to my mother, I've begun to feel concerned that she

may have finally succeeded in one of her countless suicide attempts. I've

become obsessed with tracking down a death certificate on her and also started

to think that she is haunting me (she always threatened that she would) and I

don't even believe in this phenomenon. So, if you're crazy, then at least

you've got got company!

I think that, given everything you've just experienced - the death of your

mother, with whom you've had an understandably difficult relationship, and the

stress that you are going through having to manage her affairs after death - it

is only reasonable that you are grieving in the way that you are. People react

to the deaths of their parents in all sorts of ways, even when the relationships

were positive. You are likely to experience all manner of emotions, and to

cycle through them many times before you are through it all.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself might be to recognize this, as

hard as it is, and to try to allow it. To accept that you will be angry - who

wouldn't be in your position? To accept that this is stressful and how dare any

cousin or other relative who isn't you try to tell you what to do? To accept

that you will experience sadness (and, hell, perhaps even hallucinations) before

it is all done. <wink> But one thing is now certain. Your mother is no longer

here. Your life can move on without her. You just have to make yourself ready

for that; it's up to you.

And I have all the empathy in the world for *that.*

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

I am not surprised you dont feel a sense of relief...not yet any how you are

still under her influence until after the funeral, after the burial and

after the dust settles, then you will begin to feel the freedom, and know

that she no longer has you in her clasp...it could take months for this to

happen..give yourself time

Jackie

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

> stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't

> die, but got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and

> strain I feel in my chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life.

> I had to deal with her house and things immediately, so that is causing

> stress too. To her credit, she set up a living trust to make things easy

> on me. I hired people to do an estate sale so things are moving fast and

> smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement (is that a real word?) in

> every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting her and she's dead!

> It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly concerned with her

> funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes. She changed her

> mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said she

> decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

> Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her

> hometown. So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my

> cousin, who was a total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice

> stresses me out. She's telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in

> that plot next to her mom and grandma and scattering her in the ocean is

> cold and lonely and not right. I want to tell my cousin to shove it and

> kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always crude on this website but it's

> the only real place I can vent. But now she's got me scared that my mom's

> (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's dead) last plan is

> not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at rest and will

> haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my belief

> that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

> so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see

> spreading her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me.

> Please don't think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone

> yet she still has a hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she

> said she still has a hold b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the

> truth in this. I don't know how to shake it. Plus it has only been a

> little over a week and it still hasn't really hit me that she's gone. I

> watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it would be any minute the

> whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was dragged out. She

> would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would think that

> was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was so

> nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

> did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel

> depressed and numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace

> and healed. But I don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

I hope it comes for you too. I want to send condolances to you. I guess we have

to accept that in any way we can in this moment. I can only speak for when my

mother died...it took me several weeks to let it sink into my brain that I was

free. It's hard and the emotions go from relief to anger to hurt to frustration

and back again...hopefully one day to healing.

She died on July 2

I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

[Guest guest]

Dear Mozz,

I am sorry for your loss; even if your relationship was so troubled, it is a

loss of so much more; the life that could have been for you and her, if not for

these horrible issues of BPD.

I have recently watched two people die and I just wanted to say that in my

opinion, it is a traumatic thing to watch; even if it is natural and in hospice.

So be gentle on yourself and give yourself some time to figure out what you want

to do and to allow all these intense thoughts to disperse.

You don't have to listen to your cousin if your mom asked you to do something

specific.

I don't think you are crazy for having the thoughts you are having; especially

with the intense dreams (I have had these two). In my opinion it takes time to

recover and heal, and it takes time

to *let go* ; even the hold she has had on you; it takes time. I feel energy

threads don't just

cut....but separate in time.

I wish you finding your place to peace and acceptance of your feelings.

~patricia

She died on July 2

I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

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[Guest guest]

Hi Mozz,

I have valued your posts on the board and I wanted to offer you my condolences

at this difficult time. It sounds like you are still in the initial 'shock'

stage. Please take care.

Charlie

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, Mozz

That is one year to the day after my nada died. It has been a ride.

A couple things. First, to your cousin, from me, if you are too shy to

say it. Kiss my ass and mind your own business. It is SO easy for

people who don t have to make the decisions , pay the bills, or live

with the results, to tell you what to do. This is the time to say it.

If you are snappy and crude, you ll be forgiven for it, because you are

in mourning for the loss of your Mom.

LIVE IT UP! Let some good come out of it. Tell the cousin, look, just

STEP OFF, BITCH.

Your mother is dead. I grieve with you, and know all too well the

complex emotions that go with it, loss, guilt, grief, the sense that now

it is impossible for nada to ever be normal with me. But she is gone

and not here. You do the best you can, with what you are faced with,

and be gentle with yourself.

I assure you, how you dispose of her body will not affect her in the

least. In our case, she donated her body to the Human Gift Registry for

the local med school. It was really good for me. I know how important it

is for med students to have that cadaver to learn on, and it was a way

she could do some real good. My daughter in law was a 2nd year med

student at the time, so it seem quite appropriate.

That took great pressure off all those other decisions, and soon,

probably this year, I ll get her ashes back, and will scatter them in an

appropriate place. I find nothing whatsoever cold and impersonal about

any of it. The funeral and other death arrangements are for the comfort

of the living, not the disposition of the dead.

You are grieving and don t worry so much about the confused feelings

going on. I still have thoughts and dreams and cry for my loss

sometimes. I found a notebook of her final wishes in cleaning out her

place, and thought , wow, would have been nice to have this a week ago!

We do the best we can to relate to our very sick mothers, our nada s, in

life. In death, we move through that and deal with the grief, anger,

shock, denial, all the things that form our grief.

Mozz, you did the best you could with your nada in her life. Do what

you are comfortable with in dealing with her death. That body is just a

collection of carbon atoms now, she is not in it. Honor and deal with

her death in your own way, as you did with her life, so that you can be

healthy and come to terms with it.

Anyone else can offer an opinion, but you are well within your rights to

say this is what I m going to do. Thanks for your input, now shut the

hell up.

I d like to share with you part of what I read at the memorial for my

Mom, as the eulogy.

If you knew my mom, you will also know that she fought for a good

portion of her life with deep depression and emotional problems.

You've likely been touched by it or brushed up against it. For those

of us who knew her, cared for her, let our lives be a part of hers, that

was a real and challenging part of who she was. I do not mention this

to judge or condemn that part of her, but rather to acknowledge that

part of the story of who she was.

In some of her better moments, she would start to say something to me

and preface it with, " Now don t think I m crazy, but…

... and I d roll my eyes and do a Jack Benny ( if you re too young to

know what a Jack Benny is, ask someone with white hair, we all remember)

and she would call me a smart alek, which is true, and say I was not too

big to whip, which was not.

It made for difficult relationships, for her and for those she cared for

and who cared for her. Sometimes I find myself asking, did I really do

all I could do, love all I could love, give all I could give? Hard as it

was at times, could I have made it better? But I take a solace in

these words, penned by Reinhold Neibuhr, an Evangelical pastor and

theologian first half of the 20th century.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Those are good words to live by. I wish she had been happier in this

life. I believe she is supremely happy now with Christ, and for that I m

grateful. Still, I m sorry she s gone. I ll miss you Mom.

That was the end of my eulogy at my nada s memorial service. It is my

way of coming to terms with the imperfect life and relationships we had

to deal with. It s not easy But you will get through it, and get

better day by day. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

Your friends are here with you. It s ok , what you feel. Let your

grief come as it comes.

Doug

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am

still stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she

didn't die, but got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden

and strain I feel in my chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real

life. I had to deal with her house and things immediately, so that is

causing stress too. To her credit, she set up a living trust to make

things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate sale so things are

moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement (is that a

real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting her

and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her

ashes. She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked

about it she said she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes

somewhere pretty where I live. Then she wanted me to order a headstone

for the plot she bought in her hometown. So I was planning on doing

that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a total enabler of my

mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's telling me " the

right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and grandma

and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am

always crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent.

But now she's got me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call

her nada now that she's dead) last plan is not what she really wanted

and b/c of that she won't be at rest and will haunt me. I realize how

asinine this sounds. It has always been my belief that the body is

nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building so to say, so

it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading her

ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please

don't think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet

she still has a hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she

said she still has a hold b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the

truth in this. I don't know how to shake it. Plus it has only been a

little over a week and it still hasn't really hit me that she's gone. I

watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it would be any minute

the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was dragged out.

She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would think

that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am

glad I did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel

depressed and numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace

and healed. But I don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz,

I'm so sorry for your loss and the huge confusion of feelings I know you must be

feeling. Tell you cousin to shove it and do what you want.

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Mozz, I too was struck by the amazing bravery, strength and compassion you

showed and continue to show through such a difficult time. I think that you

should let your heart guide you in deciding where to lay your mum to rest and

that will be the right thing to do. I can only imagine the roller-coaster ride

of complex emotions you must be experiencing right now. I believe peace will

come to you in time. Lord knows you deserve it after everything you have been

through! Karla is right, you are not just normal, you are exceptional!

I also thought Karla's ideas regarding what might be behind your current fear

were interesting. You are so used to being criticised and blamed by her no

matter what you do and I suppose it takes a while for that fear to subside, even

after they have passed away. It doesn't sound at all crazy to me. It makes

perfect sense.

I also wanted to say Doug, your introspection was really brilliant and it sounds

like you too have handled your difficult experience amazingly well.The snippets

of the eulogy you gave were just beautiful and moved me to tears. Thank you for

sharing.

My thoughts are with you. Much peace, strength and blessings to you.

With warmth,

Lynda

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing- I want to say your loss- and yet I

hope and pray it is what you find in yourself in all of this that will add more

peace to your life. Time heals all and I pray your heart and soul heals.

Malinda

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz - I'm sorry that you're hurting. But I'm not sorry she's gone. My initial

response to your subject title was, " Thank God - it's over for Mozz. Now her

mom is a peace and Mozz can be at peace, too. " I know there's a lot to work

through - I hope that the peace, and relief, come to you soon.

As to the ashes - yes, you can tell your cousin to take a hike. If it bothers

you, though, consider just splitting the ashes and burying some at the plot,

then distributing the others as Nada told you to. Cremation offers a lot of

options.

My mom still has my Dad's ashes from over 20 years ago - he wanted his ashes

spread in the Gulf of Mexico, a place he loved.

As soon as my mother moves to a nursing home or dies, I am going to carry out

his wishes (instead of keeping the urn in the living room, as Nada does). Now

that the Gulf needs a lot of help, my son and I have decided that when we take

custody of his ashes, we're going to have them incorporated into a " reef ball " -

a large concrete thing that looks sort of like a Whiffle Ball, with lots of

holes and crannies that create fish habitat in places where the reef is under

stress. The company puts a small brass plaque with your loved one's name on it

on top of the ball (so, presumably, scuba divers could see it until marine life

covers it up). You can go out on the boat and watch the ball being placed, toss

some flowers, say a prayer. It's remarkably dignified and joyful - and as Doug

said, it's a good thing to let the deceased person do some good.

My husband's dad died last summer. His two sons took half of his ashes and

buried them next to their mother (with a headstone) at an interment ceremony the

day after the funeral/memorial service. The other half of the ashes are going

to be planted with some pecan trees at my father-in-law's beloved cabin in the

woods. As the trees grow, they'll be a living memorial to him.

Do what's most meaningful to you, whatever helps you work through this

complicated relationship. And keep in touch, okay?

> >

> > I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for these responses- reading them has been so helpful- I have been

crying (in a good way) through all of them and even had a couple of laughs. I

appreciate the validation and compassion and am so grateful I found this

website. I kind of feel like a prisoner who was just released but has been held

prisoner for so long that I don't know what to do with myself. Kind of like when

you turn on a bright light in the middle of the night and everything is

disoriented for a few minutes. Maybe after I spread her ashes I will feel some

kind of closure that allows me to move on and enjoy my freedom- b/c in all

honesty I have just been sitting around waiting for her to die for 2 years so I

could finally be free. I thought when she died I would feel like stated,

" Thank God it's over- we can both be healed now. " I thought (naively) that all

these pressures I feel would simply lift. I should have known better than that.

I know it takes time. I am hoping now I can finally start some real healing.

Even though I have been expecting this, I feel like I am still in some short of

shock that this actually happened. I am really glad it did before the baby is

born- I was worried she would die right around that time, stealing the first

precious moments with my new baby. I am really looking forward to Christmas for

the first time I can remember (Baby is due in Dec AND no BPD to make things

miserable). But I know it will be mixed with a sadness too. The other day I took

my dtr to a mommy and me dance class and there was a mom and grandma watching

and I felt sorry that she was going to miss out on all those little moments with

my kids- she would have loved to be a part of their lives. It's always like that

though- I don't miss her so much as the person I felt like she could have been

had she gotten help.

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much, Karla. I know you are on to something as " waiting for the other

shoe to drop " might as well be my middle name.

> >

> > I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Good words to live by is an understatement. That prayer really spoke to me and I

am going to say it to myself every now and then. Thanks Doug!!

Also- " STEP OFF, BITCH " had me chuckling out loud.

> >

> > I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am

> still stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she

> didn't die, but got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden

> and strain I feel in my chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real

> life. I had to deal with her house and things immediately, so that is

> causing stress too. To her credit, she set up a living trust to make

> things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate sale so things are

> moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement (is that a

> real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting her

> and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

> concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her

> ashes. She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked

> about it she said she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes

> somewhere pretty where I live. Then she wanted me to order a headstone

> for the plot she bought in her hometown. So I was planning on doing

> that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a total enabler of my

> mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's telling me " the

> right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and grandma

> and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

> to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am

> always crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent.

> But now she's got me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call

> her nada now that she's dead) last plan is not what she really wanted

> and b/c of that she won't be at rest and will haunt me. I realize how

> asinine this sounds. It has always been my belief that the body is

> nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building so to say, so

> it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading her

> ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please

> don't think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet

> she still has a hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she

> said she still has a hold b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the

> truth in this. I don't know how to shake it. Plus it has only been a

> little over a week and it still hasn't really hit me that she's gone. I

> watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it would be any minute

> the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was dragged out.

> She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would think

> that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

> so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am

> glad I did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel

> depressed and numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace

> and healed. But I don't. I hope that comes.

> >

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Even though I have grief over this in reality I'm not sorry she's gone either.

But I am sorry that I'm not sorry. Yet another thing I have to work on letting

go. But I like that you had that thought- makes me feel like I have peeps on my

side. And with BPDs we all could uses some people on our team. What was cool was

that the Hospice nurse and social worker seemed to be familiar with BPD- while

she never showed them her evil side I received some sympathy when I finally

blurted out she has it (after being up for 3 days straight and ready to lose it

from frustration and fatigue).

> > >

> > > I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for telling me that- it made me feel really really good to know some of

my posts have helped.

> >

> > I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can completely understand how you feel. In some ways, I want my mother to be

alive and physically healthy so I can confront her and convince her to get help.

But I know that is all in my pipe dreams of wanting a normal mother. I have gone

through similar emotions regarding my kids -- technically, my kids have NO

grandparents because my husbands parents are deadbeats, my dad doesn't care and

my mother is dead. I get teary when I see moms and daughters my age together. It

bothers me, a lot. I'm trying to redirect that energy into being a good mom for

my kids, though. It takes time and a lot of therapy in my opinion, but it does

come eventually. Sometimes I'm still waiting for things to get easier and my mom

died in 2007 after a long illness.

Re: She died on July 2

Thank you all for these responses- reading them has been so helpful- I have been

crying (in a good way) through all of them and even had a couple of laughs. I

appreciate the validation and compassion and am so grateful I found this

website. I kind of feel like a prisoner who was just released but has been held

prisoner for so long that I don't know what to do with myself. Kind of like when

you turn on a bright light in the middle of the night and everything is

disoriented for a few minutes. Maybe after I spread her ashes I will feel some

kind of closure that allows me to move on and enjoy my freedom- b/c in all

honesty I have just been sitting around waiting for her to die for 2 years so I

could finally be free. I thought when she died I would feel like stated,

" Thank God it's over- we can both be healed now. " I thought (naively) that all

these pressures I feel would simply lift. I should have known better than that.

I know it takes time. I am hoping now I can finally start some real healing.

Even though I have been expecting this, I feel like I am still in some short of

shock that this actually happened. I am really glad it did before the baby is

born- I was worried she would die right around that time, stealing the first

precious moments with my new baby. I am really looking forward to Christmas for

the first time I can remember (Baby is due in Dec AND no BPD to make things

miserable). But I know it will be mixed with a sadness too. The other day I took

my dtr to a mommy and me dance class and there was a mom and grandma watching

and I felt sorry that she was going to miss out on all those little moments with

my kids- she would have loved to be a part of their lives. It's always like that

though- I don't miss her so much as the person I felt like she could have been

had she gotten help.

>

> I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.

>