When does it ever end??!!

July 13, 2010

I feel utterly at the end of my tether and don't know how I can keep having the

strength and resilience to keep working through this. Surely I will just snap at

one point and need to be hospitalised! It is so hard to keep this from effecting

my family too, as it effects me so much. I am trying really hard to be

indifferent and switch off, so I can enjoy my precious time with my baby and

partner, but it's so hard!

Sorry for the " negative nancy " type of perspective, I am just feeling so fed up

right now!

I had decided on no more contact with her after two horrible rages and an

attempt on my part to try L.C which she couldn't play along with and another

ensuing string of angry text messages where she said I obviously had no time for

her any more and that I was free of her and her mother and to scrap my crappy

childhood.

But she doesn't let me call the shots!

Last night I received a text message asking me how I was and did I want that t.v

back that I had leant her. I replied simply " no thank you " . When she moved

recently, I took an old t.v over to her place as she was waiting for hers to be

delivered. I had no idea that it could have become burdensome for her.

She then said " thanks. another job for me. thanks for the lend " . I replied that

I would organise a charity to collect it if she liked, that I didn;t know it was

a burden on her.

Five messages followed where she said it wasn't good enough for vinnies, would I

want to buy it and take it home?, she was going to carry it to the tip and shout

out to all the gossips that she was my mother, she was happy that my baby had

spanish blood (go figure?!I think she was referencing Spain's victory in the

World Cup, but we have very obvious anglo heritage, so not sure what that's

about)), , she would leave the key for me to get it because it is my

responsibility, that I should call the police, they are welcome to read her

outbox (I have recently asked her to read her outbox after she has attacked me

and even said that if someone else was abusing me like she had that I would

probably have to call the police- part of my vain and clearly fruitless attempt

to try and get her to realise the extent of her actions ), thank you for being

my daughter.

I only replied twice to say no thank you and that I could organise for it to be

collected.

Then this morning I get- " I just love you Lyndy (my affectionate name). I don't

want to argue.

What???!!!!

I replied that I wasn't arguing, that I had just received angry, sarcastic

messages from her and had another evening upset.

Then, she framed it like this: " I did not send any angry messages. I believed

you wanted t.v, vinnies don't take things not working (it worked a month ago),I

gave you an option to leave key because you haven't forgiven me and then she

went on to say that June, July and August are hard for her because they are the

months that her mum was sick before she died.

Now I'm not putting a time frame on grief, but Nana passed away about 8 years

ago and might I add that mum also had trouble all through May because that is my

Nana's name!!!

So then I told her to read her outbox and that I wasn't making it up.

Then she said she would leave me alone. She keeps saying that, but she

doesn't!!!!

I really don't know what to do. I have recently felt much stronger in this and

like I was really moving on, but now I just feel helpless.

If I have full contact, she stresses me and my partner out, if I try and have

L.C, she gets resentful because I'm pulling away, and if I decide no contact,

then she just contacts me out of the blue with seemingly innocent inquiries into

my well-being and then angry outburst follow soon after.

Do I need to tell her outright that I don't want to see her any more?

I didn't ever think I would be able to entertain the idea of this.

I know this behaviour is desperation on her part. I haven't been accepting her

excuses for her behaviour, giving in and calling her because I've been worried

and carrying on like nothing has happened. She doesn't know the new rules. I

have taken her power away and she doesn't like it. I'm not trying to win. I'm

not wishing to hurt her, but simply to protect myself and my family. She has

pushed and pushed me and this time has gone too far. I have answered her

incessant question. How much do you love me? Well not this much. Not so much

that I will let you continue to abuse me.

I'm sorry, it just feels on top of me today.

Thank you for reading this massive outburst.

With warmth,

Lynda

July 13, 2010

Lynda, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your nada.

Nadas are really good at knowing what buttons to push to get us

upset. I think that as long as you answer her messages, it will

not end. She's not likely to change. You may not be trying to

win, but she wants to win and the only way to avoid losing is to

not play the game. If you come out and actually tell her that

you don't want contact with her, is that likely to prevent her

from trying? I suspect not. I'd block her from as many means of

contact as you can and stop reading or responding to anything

you can't block.

At 08:40 PM 07/13/2010 birdonawire77 wrote:

>I feel utterly at the end of my tether and don't know how I can

>keep having the strength and resilience to keep working through

>this. Surely I will just snap at one point and need to be

>hospitalised! It is so hard to keep this from effecting my

>family too, as it effects me so much. I am trying really hard

>to be indifferent and switch off, so I can enjoy my precious

>time with my baby and partner, but it's so hard!

>

>Sorry for the " negative nancy " type of perspective, I am just

>feeling so fed up right now!

>

>I had decided on no more contact with her after two horrible

>rages and an attempt on my part to try L.C which she couldn't

>play along with and another ensuing string of angry text

>messages where she said I obviously had no time for her any

>more and that I was free of her and her mother and to scrap my

>crappy childhood.

>But she doesn't let me call the shots!

>

>Last night I received a text message asking me how I was and

>did I want that t.v back that I had leant her. I replied simply

> " no thank you " . When she moved recently, I took an old t.v over

>to her place as she was waiting for hers to be delivered. I had

>no idea that it could have become burdensome for her.

>She then said " thanks. another job for me. thanks for the

>lend " . I replied that I would organise a charity to collect it

>if she liked, that I didn;t know it was a burden on her.

>

>Five messages followed where she said it wasn't good enough for

>vinnies, would I want to buy it and take it home?, she was

>going to carry it to the tip and shout out to all the gossips

>that she was my mother, she was happy that my baby had spanish

>blood (go figure?!I think she was referencing Spain's victory

>in the World Cup, but we have very obvious anglo heritage, so

>not sure what that's about)), , she would leave the key for me

>to get it because it is my responsibility, that I should call

>the police, they are welcome to read her outbox (I have

>recently asked her to read her outbox after she has attacked me

>and even said that if someone else was abusing me like she had

>that I would probably have to call the police- part of my vain

>and clearly fruitless attempt to try and get her to realise the

>extent of her actions ), thank you for being my daughter.

>I only replied twice to say no thank you and that I could

>organise for it to be collected.

>Then this morning I get- " I just love you Lyndy (my

>affectionate name). I don't want to argue.

>

>What???!!!!

>

>I replied that I wasn't arguing, that I had just received

>angry, sarcastic messages from her and had another evening

>upset.

>Then, she framed it like this: " I did not send any angry

>messages. I believed you wanted t.v, vinnies don't take things

>not working (it worked a month ago),I gave you an option to

>leave key because you haven't forgiven me and then she went on

>to say that June, July and August are hard for her because they

>are the months that her mum was sick before she died.

>

>Now I'm not putting a time frame on grief, but Nana passed away

>about 8 years ago and might I add that mum also had trouble all

>through May because that is my Nana's name!!!

>

>So then I told her to read her outbox and that I wasn't making

>it up.

>Then she said she would leave me alone. She keeps saying that,

>but she doesn't!!!!

>

>I really don't know what to do. I have recently felt much

>stronger in this and like I was really moving on, but now I

>just feel helpless.

>If I have full contact, she stresses me and my partner out, if

>I try and have L.C, she gets resentful because I'm pulling

>away, and if I decide no contact, then she just contacts me out

>of the blue with seemingly innocent inquiries into my

>well-being and then angry outburst follow soon after.

>

>Do I need to tell her outright that I don't want to see her any

>more?

>I didn't ever think I would be able to entertain the idea of

>this.

>I know this behaviour is desperation on her part. I haven't

>been accepting her excuses for her behaviour, giving in and

>calling her because I've been worried and carrying on like

>nothing has happened. She doesn't know the new rules. I have

>taken her power away and she doesn't like it. I'm not trying to

>win. I'm not wishing to hurt her, but simply to protect myself

>and my family. She has pushed and pushed me and this time has

>gone too far. I have answered her incessant question. How much

>do you love me? Well not this much. Not so much that I will let

>you continue to abuse me.

>

>I'm sorry, it just feels on top of me today.

>

>Thank you for reading this massive outburst.

>

>With warmth,

>Lynda

--

Katrina

July 13, 2010

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Everytime I read one of these

re-tellings it makes me feel a bit more sane, it is definitely a positive effect

even though I know for the person experienceing it it is really tough to be

going through.

I guess in some sense we all need to be mirrored as good in our parents eyes and

if we have personality disordered parents they know this and know there is ample

benefit to be had for them to refuse to do so. They use mirroring us bad as a

way of manipulating, conning, abusing, exploiting, wounding, whatever...it's an

incredibly effective tool at pulling the strings.

I don't think you have to tell her you are going NC. You will probably just have

to keep taking abuse until you do so. I know that it is that way with me and my

dad, and mother to a lesser extent. It amazes me sometimes how much pain we can

take before we finally let go.

>

> I feel utterly at the end of my tether and don't know how I can keep having

the strength and resilience to keep working through this. Surely I will just

snap at one point and need to be hospitalised! It is so hard to keep this from

effecting my family too, as it effects me so much. I am trying really hard to be

indifferent and switch off, so I can enjoy my precious time with my baby and

partner, but it's so hard!

>

> Sorry for the " negative nancy " type of perspective, I am just feeling so fed

up right now!

>

> I had decided on no more contact with her after two horrible rages and an

attempt on my part to try L.C which she couldn't play along with and another

ensuing string of angry text messages where she said I obviously had no time for

her any more and that I was free of her and her mother and to scrap my crappy

childhood.

> But she doesn't let me call the shots!

>

> Last night I received a text message asking me how I was and did I want that

t.v back that I had leant her. I replied simply " no thank you " . When she moved

recently, I took an old t.v over to her place as she was waiting for hers to be

delivered. I had no idea that it could have become burdensome for her.

> She then said " thanks. another job for me. thanks for the lend " . I replied

that I would organise a charity to collect it if she liked, that I didn;t know

it was a burden on her.

>

> Five messages followed where she said it wasn't good enough for vinnies, would

I want to buy it and take it home?, she was going to carry it to the tip and

shout out to all the gossips that she was my mother, she was happy that my baby

had spanish blood (go figure?!I think she was referencing Spain's victory in the

World Cup, but we have very obvious anglo heritage, so not sure what that's

about)), , she would leave the key for me to get it because it is my

responsibility, that I should call the police, they are welcome to read her

outbox (I have recently asked her to read her outbox after she has attacked me

and even said that if someone else was abusing me like she had that I would

probably have to call the police- part of my vain and clearly fruitless attempt

to try and get her to realise the extent of her actions ), thank you for being

my daughter.

> I only replied twice to say no thank you and that I could organise for it to

be collected.

> Then this morning I get- " I just love you Lyndy (my affectionate name). I

don't want to argue.

>

> What???!!!!

>

> I replied that I wasn't arguing, that I had just received angry, sarcastic

messages from her and had another evening upset.

> Then, she framed it like this: " I did not send any angry messages. I believed

you wanted t.v, vinnies don't take things not working (it worked a month ago),I

gave you an option to leave key because you haven't forgiven me and then she

went on to say that June, July and August are hard for her because they are the

months that her mum was sick before she died.

>

> Now I'm not putting a time frame on grief, but Nana passed away about 8 years

ago and might I add that mum also had trouble all through May because that is my

Nana's name!!!

>

> So then I told her to read her outbox and that I wasn't making it up.

> Then she said she would leave me alone. She keeps saying that, but she

doesn't!!!!

>

> I really don't know what to do. I have recently felt much stronger in this and

like I was really moving on, but now I just feel helpless.

> If I have full contact, she stresses me and my partner out, if I try and have

L.C, she gets resentful because I'm pulling away, and if I decide no contact,

then she just contacts me out of the blue with seemingly innocent inquiries into

my well-being and then angry outburst follow soon after.

>

> Do I need to tell her outright that I don't want to see her any more?

> I didn't ever think I would be able to entertain the idea of this.

> I know this behaviour is desperation on her part. I haven't been accepting her

excuses for her behaviour, giving in and calling her because I've been worried

and carrying on like nothing has happened. She doesn't know the new rules. I

have taken her power away and she doesn't like it. I'm not trying to win. I'm

not wishing to hurt her, but simply to protect myself and my family. She has

pushed and pushed me and this time has gone too far. I have answered her

incessant question. How much do you love me? Well not this much. Not so much

that I will let you continue to abuse me.

>

> I'm sorry, it just feels on top of me today.

>

> Thank you for reading this massive outburst.

>

> With warmth,

> Lynda

>

July 14, 2010

I understand how hard this is for you. She acts up and you want her to

understand how you feel. But she'll never understand and will never even make

the attempt to listen to what you have to say.

Katrina is so right. They know which buttons to push and she's playing her game.

The only way to survive is to NOT play the game with her. Don't respond to her

tirades and attacks. I know you have feelings boiling up but she's not the one

to talk to. Have a sensitive friend listen to you. Vent it all out here. Don't

keep it in. But don't waste your breath explaining it to nada.

I'm still learning how to cope with my own nada. But when she says something

outrageous or does something grossly embarrassing, I just stand there with a

blank look on my face. She's the one acting like a dork, not me, so there's no

reason for me to be ashamed. At most I'll say " Oh really? " and let her go on or

I'll change the subject.

Please protect yourself. She's not a mother, she's just another person in your

life. Treat her as you would a neighbor you see once in awhile. Be vague and

smile.

>

> Lynda, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your nada.

> Nadas are really good at knowing what buttons to push to get us

> upset. I think that as long as you answer her messages, it will

> not end. She's not likely to change. You may not be trying to

> win, but she wants to win and the only way to avoid losing is to

> not play the game. If you come out and actually tell her that

> you don't want contact with her, is that likely to prevent her

> from trying? I suspect not. I'd block her from as many means of

> contact as you can and stop reading or responding to anything

> you can't block.

July 15, 2010

Thanks for the responses. It is really nice to have support and validation

amidst this craziness. I always feel quite bad when I have these massive

outbursts and never mean to write so much so I'm glad that sharing my story had

a positive effect on you phine. I feel the same when I read other people's

stories.

Looking back I often wonder if I was over-reacting, if I really am the drama

queen that mum often calls me when I react to her behaviour (I know the police

thing was a bit over the top, but I was getting desperate ha, ha).

The fact that the tirades have happened through text messages has been rather

helpful as in the past when they have been verbal attacks, I have really

distrusted my recollections after she put her spin on things.

Also, the mirroring idea is something I've never contemplated. Thank you for

that insight!

Katrina, you were so spot on with the button pushing and Irene the idea of not

viewing her as a mother is an interesting one and I think a useful one for

letting go of the unrealistic idea that we can transform them into the person

they can never be. I am really working on acceptance at the moment and that

might be a useful tool. Thank you. I now think I fully understand that no amount

of reasoning with her will ever cause her to change.

It is nice that people here understand.

Thanks again. Peace and happiness to you.

With warmth,

Lynda

> >

> > I feel utterly at the end of my tether and don't know how I can keep having

the strength and resilience to keep working through this. Surely I will just

snap at one point and need to be hospitalised! It is so hard to keep this from

effecting my family too, as it effects me so much. I am trying really hard to be

indifferent and switch off, so I can enjoy my precious time with my baby and

partner, but it's so hard!

> >

> > Sorry for the " negative nancy " type of perspective, I am just feeling so fed

up right now!

> >

> > I had decided on no more contact with her after two horrible rages and an

attempt on my part to try L.C which she couldn't play along with and another

ensuing string of angry text messages where she said I obviously had no time for

her any more and that I was free of her and her mother and to scrap my crappy

childhood.

> > But she doesn't let me call the shots!

> >

> > Last night I received a text message asking me how I was and did I want that

t.v back that I had leant her. I replied simply " no thank you " . When she moved

recently, I took an old t.v over to her place as she was waiting for hers to be

delivered. I had no idea that it could have become burdensome for her.

> > She then said " thanks. another job for me. thanks for the lend " . I replied

that I would organise a charity to collect it if she liked, that I didn;t know

it was a burden on her.

> >

> > Five messages followed where she said it wasn't good enough for vinnies,

would I want to buy it and take it home?, she was going to carry it to the tip

and shout out to all the gossips that she was my mother, she was happy that my

baby had spanish blood (go figure?!I think she was referencing Spain's victory

in the World Cup, but we have very obvious anglo heritage, so not sure what

that's about)), , she would leave the key for me to get it because it is my

responsibility, that I should call the police, they are welcome to read her

outbox (I have recently asked her to read her outbox after she has attacked me

and even said that if someone else was abusing me like she had that I would

probably have to call the police- part of my vain and clearly fruitless attempt

to try and get her to realise the extent of her actions ), thank you for being

my daughter.

> > I only replied twice to say no thank you and that I could organise for it to

be collected.

> > Then this morning I get- " I just love you Lyndy (my affectionate name). I

don't want to argue.

> >

> > What???!!!!

> >

> > I replied that I wasn't arguing, that I had just received angry, sarcastic

messages from her and had another evening upset.

> > Then, she framed it like this: " I did not send any angry messages. I

believed you wanted t.v, vinnies don't take things not working (it worked a

month ago),I gave you an option to leave key because you haven't forgiven me and

then she went on to say that June, July and August are hard for her because they

are the months that her mum was sick before she died.

> >

> > Now I'm not putting a time frame on grief, but Nana passed away about 8

years ago and might I add that mum also had trouble all through May because that

is my Nana's name!!!

> >

> > So then I told her to read her outbox and that I wasn't making it up.

> > Then she said she would leave me alone. She keeps saying that, but she

doesn't!!!!

> >

> > I really don't know what to do. I have recently felt much stronger in this

and like I was really moving on, but now I just feel helpless.

> > If I have full contact, she stresses me and my partner out, if I try and

have L.C, she gets resentful because I'm pulling away, and if I decide no

contact, then she just contacts me out of the blue with seemingly innocent

inquiries into my well-being and then angry outburst follow soon after.

> >

> > Do I need to tell her outright that I don't want to see her any more?

> > I didn't ever think I would be able to entertain the idea of this.

> > I know this behaviour is desperation on her part. I haven't been accepting

her excuses for her behaviour, giving in and calling her because I've been

worried and carrying on like nothing has happened. She doesn't know the new

rules. I have taken her power away and she doesn't like it. I'm not trying to

win. I'm not wishing to hurt her, but simply to protect myself and my family.

She has pushed and pushed me and this time has gone too far. I have answered her

incessant question. How much do you love me? Well not this much. Not so much

that I will let you continue to abuse me.

> >

> > I'm sorry, it just feels on top of me today.

> >

> > Thank you for reading this massive outburst.

> >

> > With warmth,

> > Lynda

> >

>

July 16, 2010

hi lynda,

with a baby especially needing you, the last thing you need is your mother

texting you with petty requests. it's as if she's competing with the baby for

your attention!

i know exactly how you feel - EXACTLY. esp when you said, " If I have full

contact, she stresses me and my partner out, if I try and have L.C, she gets

resentful because I'm pulling away, and if I decide no contact, then she just

contacts me out of the blue with seemingly innocent inquiries into my well-being

and then angry outburst follow soon after. "

It really doesn't matter what you do - your mother will never, ever be happy.

Ever. I have the same issue. I don't want to hurt her by cutting her off

completely. But for my sanity, I keep it LC. She doesn't like it at all and I

know that it does hurt her.

I don't really have any advice. Just wanted you to know I'm in the same place

and just keeping it LC any way I can.

To answer your question, I just don't think it ever ends. I constantly ask

myself the same exact question.

Good luck; enjoy your baby!!

Fiona