Things that kept me from moving on

[Guest guest]

I'm ashamed to admit some of these. I've been trying to get to the next stage

of healing, which means letting go of a lot of anger and hatred. I needed to

list them in the presence of understanding friends:

I am scared of her. She always seemed so big and powerful. She has no sense of

right or wrong, and seems to win every fight. I shut down and take it when she

splits me. At least, I used to. I was always terrified by her because she

could be so cruel, crafty, and cold. And she would not let up no matter what.

Period. That made her scary. If I stayed angry, I thought I could win in a

fight.

I wanted a mom. I think I knew, intuitively, my anger and hatred towards her

was nothing but a " safe " connection to her. The more I let go of that hate

connection, the more there really really really was nothing else to tie us

together. No more.

I wanted to finally be seen, heard, and understood. It was like I held a door

open to her in case she could eventually come around. And then, to protect

myself from her, I had to guard that " opening " with my anger and constant

disgust. No more.

I wanted vengence. It was never right that she got to hurt, abuse, belittle,

humiliate, grind down, and destroy me all she wanted, and I got to hold the

consequences of her hatred. It never bothered her at all--it never even

registered to her that she was doing anything harmful. Anger helped me to feel

like she was getting justice, somehow. No more. I just can't keep it up any

more.

I wanted her to be okay and somewhat sane. The logic goes like this: If

somebody gets mad at a person they love, that person knows to evaluate their

behavior and either change it or explain it or disregard it or SOMETHING.

Somehow, a sane person deals with it if a loved one is very mad at them. She

can't. By getting angry and expecting her to respond as sane, I was expecting

her to be more than she is. She's BP. She can't deal. She can only lash out.

It was my own way of pretending like she is normal--get mad and hope she acts

like she's sane by responding as a human. No more.

I just wanted her to be like me. I kept thinking down deep (and this is

embarrassing to admit), that she would eventually see me--really SEE me--and

understand there is a better way to live. I think I always believed my

pseudo-daughter (you know how that goes w/ BP moms) would always look up to her

pseudo-mommy (hi, me) and realize she could change her ways and be good. Like

me. I think I always held on to the magical thinking that she would grow up

some day and be more like me. No more.

Finally, I was grieving. And I'm proud of myself for having enough courage to

lay her to rest in my life by allowing this grief process. Anger is a grief

stage. And I'm thankful for it.

Now, its time to move on.

Any other ideas out there as to what keeps us stuck?

THANKS!

Blessings,

Karla