like a sister and sadness

[Guest guest]

So my nada has said things over the years that show she thinks of me as a

sister. As I grew up we were very involved with my grandparents and I did spend

many weeks there at times. She'll talk about how " we grew up " or the " things we

weren't taught " or " we were raised to think... " It is as if deep in her mind

she abdicated - or never claimed - the role of being my mother. The idea that

SHE raised me and that it was HER responsibility to nurture, teach, and protect

me seems absent. And in light of that somehow the futility of wanting her to be

a better mother or confront her about being a bad one just really sinks in....in

her mind she isn't my mother. Except for what I owe her of course.

And sadness...today I went to the opthalmologist and found out that when I

accidentally looked at the sun while driving a few weeks ago that a very small

portion of my retina in one eye was destroyed. Gone. That eye will never see

colors as bright again as the other eye. It's only a small difference and the

doc had to point it out to me, but now I know. He also wants a specialist to

see me because he's surprised that the small exposure I had did that much

damage. So now while I wait the interminable weeks for that appointment I get

to wonder about whether I have some god awful retinal disease. I'll be wearing

sunglasses - constantly.

And I want to call her and tell her about this, I want comfort someone to care.

Someone to understand my fear. But even if I did I would regret it

quickly...she'd blame me for doing it to myself, she'd act like it was

unimportant, and then she'd change the subject to what her cat is up to today,

and by tomorrow she'd forget I'd told her. I don't need that. If I told my

aunt, my only other relative left, she'd meet it with cold silence. Then she'd

begin to worry in a paranoid catastrophising manner...and later she'd expect me

to be grateful for her " support " and tell me how I lean on her too much.

Bitter today.