What I've learned

[Guest guest]

Many years of anger and resolution and anger and frustration and resolve and not

speaking and speaking and.... you all know the drill and here I am and here's

what I've learned.  My situation - I thought Mom had BPD, since then I've

learned that she has probable Multiple Personality Disorder and at least a few

of the personalities show signs of BPD.  My father was diagnosed 2 years ago

with Alzheimers and Paranoid Schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur and most

of the things he told me about myself, my family and our history have turned out

to be lies.  For the past 2 years, I have cared for my parents financially as

Dad's financial conservator, and have cared for my mother physically for the

past 6 months.  She remembers only what she chooses to remember, bows and

scrapes to my (definitely) borderline sister, and alternately praises and

belittles my husband and I, the only ones caring for her needs. For years I

struggled in one form or another

to establish my own identity apart from the " rude, bossy, hateful snot-nosed

little brat " that she called me as a child, and the " selfish, arrogant,

" English "  (figure that one...) person " she called me as an adult.  I tried

rebellion, non-communication, establishing boundries, compliance, communication

and dropping my boundries.  I laughed at her and cried about her and hurt for

her and with her, and wanted to hurt her and here's what I've learned.  None of

it worked.

As long as Mom remained a component of my anger, she remained in my thoughts and

I remained under her control.  It was only when I let go.  When I finally gave

up and chose to see her as a person unto herself who had faults and sucesses and

frailities and fears -- a person very much like me -- could I begin to create my

own self-image.  When she criticized or hurt or intruded, I chose to see it as

someone who cared (notice: " CHOSE " --

I had to step beyond my own hurt and feelings).  I didn't cave to her intrusions

and criticisms, but I stepped away from the anger of them and treated them as I

would if my best friend had said or done them.  Instead of lashing out or fuming

at home, I learned to quietly say, " Mom, that's just not true. "  and drop it. 

Hard -- impossibly hard --in the beginning, but as the habit grew, I grew.  And

when I began to be able to step away from my emotions and speak gently as an

adult, I began to finally feel like an adult, and when I began to feel like an

adult, I began to realize that it honestly didn't matter what she said or did -

her opinions had only as much power as I allowed them to have. I began to take

free online courses from MIT (opencourseware@...), and found that I

felt more secure and proud of myself -that quiet pride that gives a firm

foundation.  I've been told that " the best revenge is a life well lived "  but I

couldn't ever

get past the 'revenge' to the 'life'.  So what I've learned is that my best

revenge was no revenge at all.  It was  " simply " (LOL) to step beyond myself

and my status as a KO.  When I finally forgave my mother, I found that I could

finally step away from the bondage she imposed on my self image.  When I could

forgive her, I could " forgive " myself for all the things she said I was and be

who I really am, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter who cares for

and has chosen to love her mother and father, just as they are.  Nothing else

really mattered after all.  No sainthood, no glorious revelation, just a (very)

slow realization that I chose who I wanted to be by the way I responded to the

one who hurt me most, and when I chose to forgive, Mom's voice lost it's

power. I finally found peace in the storm.   -Leslye

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