Re: Not sure what to do about Christmas with my Nada

July 12, 2010

NeldaS,

My recommendation is to decide that it is time to create your

own family traditions for Christmas. You're adults. You don't

need to go home to mommy for holidays. Being a good daughter

does not require you to do so. You don't owe her any

explanations either. What would you and your husband really like

to do for Christmas? Let this year be the year you start doing

it, whatever it is. You deserve to enjoy your holidays and to

make them time for your own family even if that is just you and

your husband. You have plenty of time to think about what to do

and what you want to tell your nada about it. If your nada has

BPD, chances are that she will be " hurt " and upset no matter

what you do, so do what you want, not what she wants. Nadas are

usually all about control, and the minute they realize they've

lost control, they go into either battle mode or pathetic waif

mode (or both).

And stop worrying about having BPD yourself. BPD isn't something

that develops in adulthood. If you have it, you'd have shown

symptoms long before 30. It tends to show up in teenagers/young

adults. It often doesn't get recognized then, but looking back,

the symptoms can generally be seen. For the most part, worrying

about having it is an indication that you don't because people

who do have it don't believe there could possibly be anything

like that wrong with them and aren't worried about it.

At 05:22 PM 07/12/2010 NeldaS wrote:

>Hi! So I'm quite new to this site but it's awesome. I already

>feel such loving support from all of you. Here are several of

>my concerns:

>

>-My husband helped me discover that my mom is a BP Nada because

>he spent 2 hellish days in her home last week. I feel guilty

>because I didn't really stand up for him in front of my NADA

>while we were there because I want to be a good daughter to her

>and I am deep in her FOG. I didn't put him down or gang up on

>him but I kinda just let things happen. He says he will NEVER

>stay in her home again and that's fine but now we're trying to

>figure out what to do for Christmas. He is willing to stay in

>a hotel nearby but we are both stressed about a crappy

>Christmas and we both feel she will blow up no matter what. Is

>it even worth it to go for Christmas? We have an impending

>sense of dread. She will be hurt on top of all of it that we

>are not staying in her house. You know how it goes " your

>husband is trying to pull our family apart by not staying here "

>and " you are letting your husband control you " etc. What are

>your recommendations?

>

>-My overarching concern - I am a nonBP but fear (as does my

>husband) that I could become a BP one day. Have you seen these

>symptoms in yourselves? How do you hold back if you do? So

>far I have been fine but life is long. I'm 30...

--

Katrina

July 12, 2010

I suppose not staying with Nada is a step in setting some boundries. Yes hard

but necessary. If you really feel this is the right thing to do for your

husband and family go for it. It wont be easy but worth it in the long run.

Also asking if you could become BPD it is very unlikely. The fact that you are

asking and aware is good indication that your fine and just have some Fleas.

Part of BPD is being in denial. That is one of the things us KO's have trouble

with.

My husband and daughter were the main motivation to finally standing up to my

Nada as I didn't want her to have anymore emotional affect on my life and ruin

what I had in the way of a new loving family that I helped create.

Best of Luck,

We are all here for you,

Kazam x

>

> Hi! So I'm quite new to this site but it's awesome. I already feel such

loving support from all of you. Here are several of my concerns:

>

> -My husband helped me discover that my mom is a BP Nada because he spent 2

hellish days in her home last week. I feel guilty because I didn't really stand

up for him in front of my NADA while we were there because I want to be a good

daughter to her and I am deep in her FOG. I didn't put him down or gang up on

him but I kinda just let things happen. He says he will NEVER stay in her home

again and that's fine but now we're trying to figure out what to do for

Christmas. He is willing to stay in a hotel nearby but we are both stressed

about a crappy Christmas and we both feel she will blow up no matter what. Is

it even worth it to go for Christmas? We have an impending sense of dread. She

will be hurt on top of all of it that we are not staying in her house. You know

how it goes " your husband is trying to pull our family apart by not staying

here " and " you are letting your husband control you " etc. What are your

recommendations?

>

> -My overarching concern - I am a nonBP but fear (as does my husband) that I

could become a BP one day. Have you seen these symptoms in yourselves? How do

you hold back if you do? So far I have been fine but life is long. I'm 30...

>

July 13, 2010

I would say do NOT go there for Christmas..you are married now, you have a

new family, time for new traditions !!

Jackie

Hi! So I'm quite new to this site but it's awesome. I already feel such

loving support from all of you. Here are several of my concerns:

-My husband helped me discover that my mom is a BP Nada because he spent 2

hellish days in her home last week. I feel guilty because I didn't really

stand up for him in front of my NADA while we were there because I want to

be a good daughter to her and I am deep in her FOG. I didn't put him down

or gang up on him but I kinda just let things happen. He says he will NEVER

stay in her home again and that's fine but now we're trying to figure out

what to do for Christmas. He is willing to stay in a hotel nearby but we

are both stressed about a crappy Christmas and we both feel she will blow up

no matter what. Is it even worth it to go for Christmas? We have an

impending sense of dread. She will be hurt on top of all of it that we are

not staying in her house. You know how it goes " your husband is trying to

pull our family apart by not staying here " and " you are letting your husband

control you " etc. What are your recommendations?

-My overarching concern - I am a nonBP but fear (as does my husband) that I

could become a BP one day. Have you seen these symptoms in yourselves? How

do you hold back if you do? So far I have been fine but life is long. I'm

30...

July 13, 2010

I agree with the others.

Time to do your own thing for the holidays. You can call nada on Christmas, have

a nice chat, maybe send her a card or a present....

There is nothing wrong for you and your own to share the holidays together at

home...or wherever, but away from nada.

I hate holidays with nada. So miserable. Especially Christmas, with the whole

gift thing. She can give me a gift for Christmas, and then 3 years later I'll

hear about it. " Well, I got you THAT for Christmas, I spent this amount of money

on it...blah blah blah " Just to use it against me one day. Gifts always have

strings attached.

Just relax for the holidays. No hotels. Wake up on Christmas morning. If you

have kids, watch them unwrap their gifts on Christmas morning without nada there

to ruin it.

you deserve to be happy.

~Sara Jo

>

> I would say do NOT go there for Christmas..you are married now, you have a

> new family, time for new traditions !!

>

> Jackie

>

> Hi! So I'm quite new to this site but it's awesome. I already feel such

> loving support from all of you. Here are several of my concerns:

>

> -My husband helped me discover that my mom is a BP Nada because he spent 2

> hellish days in her home last week. I feel guilty because I didn't really

> stand up for him in front of my NADA while we were there because I want to

> be a good daughter to her and I am deep in her FOG. I didn't put him down

> or gang up on him but I kinda just let things happen. He says he will NEVER

> stay in her home again and that's fine but now we're trying to figure out

> what to do for Christmas. He is willing to stay in a hotel nearby but we

> are both stressed about a crappy Christmas and we both feel she will blow up

> no matter what. Is it even worth it to go for Christmas? We have an

> impending sense of dread. She will be hurt on top of all of it that we are

> not staying in her house. You know how it goes " your husband is trying to

> pull our family apart by not staying here " and " you are letting your husband

> control you " etc. What are your recommendations?

>

> -My overarching concern - I am a nonBP but fear (as does my husband) that I

> could become a BP one day. Have you seen these symptoms in yourselves? How

> do you hold back if you do? So far I have been fine but life is long. I'm

> 30...

>

July 14, 2010

As everyone else has said - do not cave in and go to her house. Holidays are

tough for most of us, because they " ramp up " emotions, and provide a perfect

chance for our BPD parents to manipulate us. If you start your married life by

spending ONE holiday with your mom, it will then become " family tradition " and

she'll insist that you do that every year. So I think what you have to do is

start another tradition for yourself and your husband. " We always go camping on

Easter Weekend. " " We always go skiing over Christmas - it's the only time of

year we have that many days off in a week. " Whatever excuse you need to come up

with. Do not discuss ANY plans to spend holidays with your husband's family -

your mom will use that as ammunition to demand equal time. You and your husband

are not children in the middle of a divorce custody hearing. You can spend your

holidays where you like.

Of course, in real life, many of us try to appease our BPD parent with some

semblance of family life - my own choice is that, a couple of days before

Christmas, my son (now a teenager and better able to withstand his grandmother's

manipulation) and I drive to meet her at a restaurant somewhere near her home.

We park several rows away from the door (she always parks right up front) so she

can't follow us when we're through (we walk a lot faster than she does). We

have already pre-read the menu online, so we're ready to order. We ask for

salads and a quick entree - no waiting around, stuck in awkward conversation.

We have a gift ready for her, so there's a topic of conversation and she gets to

be the center of attention as she opens her present. The table talk is

restricted to my son's classes, current events, and the weather. No discussion

of our plans for the rest of the holiday - none. We eat, pay the bill right

away, see her to her car, then bolt for our own car and leave. At that point,

we put in a CD of Christmas carols and sing at the top of our lungs, all the way

home. It is safe for our holiday to begin. I don't ask my husband to accompany

us - he's suffered enough over the years, so he gets a pass on this visit. This

pre-Christmas visit is the ONLY time I feel compelled to have my son along - it

is carefully controlled, in a public place, and there are gifts and food to keep

my mother occupied. We NEVER agree to go to her apartment. We NEVER agree to

depart from this plan. If she wants to see us, this is the way it has to be.

It's sad that our relationship has to be like this, but I've spent enough

holidays (and other visits) being belittled, manipulated, yelled at, and forced

into servitude. I'm done, and I absolutely refuse to make my son repeat my

experiences with Nada.

I suggest that you think through what you're prepared to accept from your mom,

then use your new life arrangement as a launchpad to re-define and re-plan your

holidays - for yourself, your husband, and any family additions in the future.

This is a GREAT chance to set some boundaries.