One good turn....

[Guest guest]

I have worked on the premise of the good old adage " One good turn deserves

another " with my mother over the years. I have thought that encouraging the

positive behaviour would somehow help change her and transform her into the

mother that I so wanted her to be, because when she is " good " , she is so very,

very good (though never without just a little hint of antagonism).

I would take care to thank her profusely for each small, thoughtful gesture, so

that she always knew how grateful I was. Even when I felt utterly on edge from

her constant boundary pushing and antagonistic behaviour, I thought if I just

recognised and thanked her enough for the pie that she baked or the blanket she

had picked up for my daughter or for her insistence on cleaning my bathroom,

then the anger that she has harboured for so many years would melt away and

loving, generous mum would remain.

But alas, it doesn't quite work like that.

Alas, my world has turned topsy turvy.

Not that this is an entirely new feeling. After all, I have experienced this

feeling over and over again, every time the inevitable blow up occurred, mostly

entirely left of field and mostly only obscurely related to anything that I had

in fact done. It always left me in utter turmoil. I always felt daft for being

surprised each time. Over and over again I was lulled into a false sense of

security, thinking that she was getting better and that maybe just maybe this

time it wouldn't happen again. I always thought she was a lovely, soft, gentle

soul that had just had too much stress, too much heartache and it had taken its

toll.

I wasn't without guilt or a massive sense of responsibility here either. Growing

up as an only child and her a single mum, except for a few failed relationships,

I could see how she had worked so hard and had always put me first. I was the

only one who really understood her and could see her loving heart when all

others had grown weary of her hostile behaviour and had enough. Without me, her

greatest love as she often put it, she would be utterly, utterly alone.

This topsy feeling is different though. It is a whole view-point of my mum and

in a sense my world turned upside down.

No longer do I see my mum as an innocent, damaged, but loving soul. I just see

manipulation in absolutely all of her behaviour- the kind gestures, the constant

gifts, the appraisals often in the form of hero-worshipping me.

I have begun to think back to many events from my past and wonder if things

really were as they have been presented to me. For instance, I don't remember my

Nana being the horrible, nasty person that mum told me she was. That is hard to

face, especially since I was so close to my nana, but mum's relationship with

her effected how I viewed her to a certain extent.

Since I have had a bit of space from her, I have had constant flash-backs of her

behaviour over the last six months, where she has been the picture of a loving

caring mum, helping me with my first born baby cooking, cleaning, not putting

any pressure on me etc. However, I am not recalling this " help " fondly. Instead,

I am acknowledging just how on edge I have felt during every interaction with

her, that her seemingly innocent comments and behaviour have been so

antagonistic and undermining the whole time.

In the past I would have remembered these helpful gestures and felt guilt. I

would have contacted her and forgiven her for the horrible things that she said,

because I sincerely thought that she couldn't help it.

I feel like I have had a massive awakening and it feels liberating. As hard as

it is to say, as much as I love her and I really do wish the best for her, I

feel like I don't want her anywhere near me. I don't know how long that

feeling will last for and what our future relationship might possibly entail,

but for now I just feel utter relief about the prospect of not having her in my

life.

I have also let go of the overwhelming sense of responsibility that I have

always had for her well-being and that also feels really good!

I have moved through sadness and now I just feel angry, which I am trying to

find balance in. I feel I need to hold onto it to stay strong, but need to let

go of it to move forward. I have been reading some great posts about this and

have come to understand that I am in a fairly elementary place in the healing

process.

So my world has been turned upside down, but it kind of feels good.

I feel like I am finally illuminating and facing up to the truth, which has

previously been too much to bear.

Thanks for reading.

With warmth,

Lynda