She died on July 2

[Guest guest]

I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief, but I don't. I am still

stressed and even having a disturbing reoccurring dream that she didn't die, but

got better, but is still sick and needing me. The burden and strain I feel in my

chest in the dream is exactly how I felt in real life. I had to deal with her

house and things immediately, so that is causing stress too. To her credit, she

set up a living trust to make things easy on me. I hired people to do an estate

sale so things are moving fast and smoothly. But I still feel her disapprovement

(is that a real word?) in every move I make. I am still worried about upsetting

her and she's dead! It doesn't feel real. Before she died she was overly

concerned with her funeral plans and what we were going to do with her ashes.

She changed her mind several times and the last time we talked about it she said

she decided she wanted me to spread her ashes somewhere pretty where I live.

Then she wanted me to order a headstone for the plot she bought in her hometown.

So I was planning on doing that. Now I get this email from my cousin, who was a

total enabler of my mom and just hearing her voice stresses me out. She's

telling me " the right thing to do " is bury her in that plot next to her mom and

grandma and scattering her in the ocean is cold and lonely and not right. I want

to tell my cousin to shove it and kiss my ass. Sorry, I feel like I am always

crude on this website but it's the only real place I can vent. But now she's got

me scared that my mom's (I can't bring myself to call her nada now that she's

dead) last plan is not what she really wanted and b/c of that she won't be at

rest and will haunt me. I realize how asinine this sounds. It has always been my

belief that the body is nothing once you die, your spirit has left the building

so to say, so it's not a big deal. Now I don't know. I can just see spreading

her ashes and bad energy to forever roam the earth and haunt me. Please don't

think I am crazy- I feel so stupid writing this. She's gone yet she still has a

hold over me. I had a phone appt, with my T, and she said she still has a hold

b/c I am LETTING her have a hold. I see the truth in this. I don't know how to

shake it. Plus it has only been a little over a week and it still hasn't really

hit me that she's gone. I watched her die for 5 days- Hospice telling me it

would be any minute the whole time. I swear even until the last breaths it was

dragged out. She would breathe and then be still for a long time and you would

think that was it, and then she would breathe again. I wanted to scream it was

so nerve wracking. But I was there for her and held her hand and I am glad I

did. I still don't feel any love for her right now, but I do feel depressed and

numb. I thought I would feel that she was finally at peace and healed. But I

don't. I hope that comes.