Re: Venting about difficult obligations

[Guest guest]

Wow, Irene. You definitely sound overwhelmed. I am an only child as well so I

definitely know how it felt to be responsible somehow for you nada's life. Even

though her and my fada were perfectly capable to help themselves, it made me so

angry that I was tangled in this web. But you also deserve a life and need to

free yourself from these obligations you put on yourself. Like Dr. Phil says " We

do what works for us. " So what are you getting out of it? If nothing, walk away.

First of all, do you want to escape from it? If so, it will take fierce changes.

Because she is so used to you doing everything for her, it will be difficult to

undo everything that has been done. However, if you do decide to, it will be

completely freeing and liberating.

Is it possible to hire someone to help out, like a nurse? Can you put her in a

24 hour nursing facility? Do you have any support system at all to help you?

Just because your nada isolated herself, doesn't mean that you cannot reach out

for help. Even if its a close friend to say " Hey I need to get away for a while.

Can you do _______? "

Second, if you do want to break away, you need to decide to take your life back.

You do not deserve to be treated like a slave. I know how you feel being an only

child, but she is not your responsibility. She CHOSE to be alone. She CHOSE to

complain about everything and have no friends/family. Don't reward her. Set

boundaries. If you can't go see her because you are on vacation, then you can't

see her! If she calls, don't answer if you are out to dinner with your hubby.

Don't jump everytime she gets " sick " .

AJ

>

> I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

>

> Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every little

frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting. Then I

had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did her

usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him how

good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her medical

record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was finished

she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I refuse to step

in and cover for her.

>

> The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

>

> When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for a

week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop while

my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stink and it's hard to be there.

>

> I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

>

> OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

>

[Guest guest]

Irene, I love your posts. It sounds like you are about 10 years or so my

senior. You are living what I am starting to see as my near future. I have

been trying to figure out how to prepare myself for it since I have lived out of

state for 26 years. I'm afraid she will have to come here, and when I say here,

I mean to my home. We can't afford to put her up somewhere. She doesn't have

anything to live on. I don't know how to do it. Meeting you and the other

people here are already making me feel stronger and capable to deal with her.

I'm afraid I'll lose my husband. I just can't imagine him putting up with it or

with the me I become when she stresses me out, which is anytime I have to deal

with her. I really feel that with the moral support that you guys give me, I

just might not get all crazy like I use to.

As much as your situation scares me, it gives me hope and strength. Hang in

there. We are here for you.

>

> I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

>

> Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every little

frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting. Then I

had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did her

usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him how

good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her medical

record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was finished

she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I refuse to step

in and cover for her.

>

> The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

>

> When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for a

week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop while

my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

>

> I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

>

> OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Irene, Please don't diminish the weight of your day. Though these

experiences can seem like nothing compared to what some others might be going

through, I'm sure it has taken years of incidents such as these to reach this

point of exhaustion. Not to mention the incessant worry about the future and

overwhelming sense of responsibility you feel. The day that you described sounds

absolutely infuriating and utterly exhausting and I can absolutely relate!

A.Js advice sounds spot on to me. You are not responsible for her well-being. Do

what you can to relieve some of this burden on yourself and allow yourself the

freedom and happiness you deserve.

I wish you all the best with this.

With warmth,

Lynda

>

> I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

>

> Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every little

frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting. Then I

had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did her

usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him how

good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her medical

record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was finished

she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I refuse to step

in and cover for her.

>

> The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

>

> When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for a

week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop while

my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

>

> I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

>

> OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing about it. I think my mother is going to be this way too.

Lately she cries alot and puts on the pitiful act way more than she used to. I

confronted her again about setting some limits tonight and she made the assinine

charge that *I* am causing her to have 'stress and worry' by continuing to

insist it's her responsibility to set boundaries about how her own property,

meaning her house, is treated by my brother and SIL.

It is definitely helpful to hear from people who are not NC. Alot of times I

feel guilty for even posting since I am not NC and alot of times my posts don't

get responses and I just delete them. I'm dealing with two crazy parents, a

borderline SIL and having to worry about a child's welfare every day, so I feel

alot less alone knowing there are KO's out there who for whatever reason haven't

gone NC yet. I don't have any desire to 'be there' when this stuff happens with

my parents. I did it for my grandmother, who was a saint, but I don't feel I

'owe' them this. Some of my other siblings can have it.

I know what it is like to have that feeling of no relief in sight when it comes

to caretaking, I tend to have that feeling alot lately with my nephew...he is an

innocent child which makes it easier but he has sensory problems which make his

behavior extraordinarly difficult sometimes, sometimes many times a day. And the

bpd whom I despise more every day, is around too so that makes it worse. Every

day is like this, 5 days a week anyway. On the weekends I just don't go in there

because both parents are around and I refuse. The bpd is such a rotten parent

that I take the 2 year old out every day and try to give him some fun time. But

still it is not my child and not my responsibility, but if I don't do it no one

will. It wears on you. And it's my belief that care-taking in general of adults

is depressing just by default. I can't imagine if my grandmother had been a

difficult personality. She was stubborn but she was not difficult.

>

> I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

>

> Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every little

frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting. Then I

had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did her

usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him how

good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her medical

record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was finished

she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I refuse to step

in and cover for her.

>

> The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

>

> When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for a

week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop while

my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

>

> I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

>

> OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Wendi,

I know right where you are.  My bpd nada  whom constantly relied and drained

me,  went to a nursing home 4 yrs ago.  My brother and I tried to keep her in

her rental home for 2 yrs.  I knew if I moved her in with me it would ruin my

marriage and my health.  As the counselor told me as I was going through the

guilt of not being a " good enough daughter "    that my moral obligation to nada

was to see she had  food, shelter, meds.  I visit once a week, hear about

every neg aspect of her life, because I can't fix all for her. (I tried for

several years. since age 8  when she and dad divorced)  I learned at my coda

support group  the 3 C's  I didn't cause it,  I can't control it, I can't

cure it.  this has helped me so.  For 50 years I have felt responsible for a

situation which I had no control over.  If I could just make nada happy she

would be the nada i wanted.  and boy did i try.    No more  I am LC and I

do not engage.  When she

starts in on how miserable she is (always has been this way)  instead of

trying to solve her problem.  I listen.  I learn so much from these posts. 

It just helps to know I am not crazy and in this alone.

Blessings,

Subject: Re: Venting about difficult obligations

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, July 15, 2010, 3:40 AM

 

Irene, I love your posts. It sounds like you are about 10 years or so my senior.

You are living what I am starting to see as my near future. I have been trying

to figure out how to prepare myself for it since I have lived out of state for

26 years. I'm afraid she will have to come here, and when I say here, I mean to

my home. We can't afford to put her up somewhere. She doesn't have anything to

live on. I don't know how to do it. Meeting you and the other people here are

already making me feel stronger and capable to deal with her. I'm afraid I'll

lose my husband. I just can't imagine him putting up with it or with the me I

become when she stresses me out, which is anytime I have to deal with her. I

really feel that with the moral support that you guys give me, I just might not

get all crazy like I use to.

As much as your situation scares me, it gives me hope and strength. Hang in

there. We are here for you.

>

> I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

>

> Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every little

frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting. Then I

had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did her

usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him how

good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her medical

record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was finished

she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I refuse to step

in and cover for her.

>

> The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

>

> When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for a

week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop while

my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

>

> I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

>

> OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

>

[Guest guest]

I tried really hard to almost train my mother into decent behvaior. Maybe that

sounds crazy, but I wanted her to get the hint and she never did. Like, if she

would start in with her " I am a victim " behavior, I would suddenly have to go. I

would leave or hang up, whichever....and I did it for awhile, but she never

seemed to catch on. I did the listening thing like you did, but it only seemed

to make her worse and in her eyes, when I listened, I was agreeing with her and

she'd go back to other family members (especially whoever she was complaining

about) and tell them I was on her side. She did it to me regarding other people

too. She'd tell me how " appalled " the neighbor was that I was her daughter and

so rarely came to see her, etc....

I told my therapist last night that in so many ways I wish my mother were alive

and physically healthy because now I feel like I HAVE control and I have the

ability to set limits and boundaries with her. Had I known when I was 20 what I

knew now, I'd have hit the high road long before I did and not suffered most all

of my 20's through her drama and stress and let her manipulate me the way she

did.

When I tried to set limits with her when I was in my 20's, she went ballistic

with her drama, threats, suicidal behaviors, depression, and manipulation, and I

caved in.

Re: Venting about difficult obligations

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, July 15, 2010, 3:40 AM

Irene, I love your posts. It sounds like you are about 10 years or so my senior.

You are living what I am starting to see as my near future. I have been trying

to figure out how to prepare myself for it since I have lived out of state for

26 years. I'm afraid she will have to come here, and when I say here, I mean to

my home. We can't afford to put her up somewhere. She doesn't have anything to

live on. I don't know how to do it. Meeting you and the other people here are

already making me feel stronger and capable to deal with her. I'm afraid I'll

lose my husband. I just can't imagine him putting up with it or with the me I

become when she stresses me out, which is anytime I have to deal with her. I

really feel that with the moral support that you guys give me, I just might not

get all crazy like I use to.

As much as your situation scares me, it gives me hope and strength. Hang in

there. We are here for you.

>

> I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

>

> Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every little

frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting. Then I

had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did her

usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him how

good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her medical

record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was finished

she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I refuse to step

in and cover for her.

>

> The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

>

> When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for a

week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop while

my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

>

> I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

>

> OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

>

[Guest guest]

Irene - Call your county's Senior Services agency and get all the information

available about home health aides, senior day care centers, " respite care "

agencies, and anything else available through the government, churches, United

Way agencies - anything, anything at all that could provide a patchwork of

support for your parents. Give your parents the information and tell them that

this network of support will enable them to live independently. The alternative

is that they sell most of their possessions and move into a nursing home

together. That's it. You being their slave is no longer an option.

Then, book a flight, leave the country, hike in Scotland. Turn the cellphones

off. What's the worst thing that could happen? They break a hip? One of them

dies? If you've left behind instructions and information about their

hospitalization insurance, etc., you are free to go. Being in town wouldn't

change a thing. While you stay trapped in a self-imposed prison, the years you

have left with your husband are sliding by. All things change, you know? So I

say optimize your opportunities for joy.

My mom is also elderly and is trying her best to suck me back into the vortex

(I'm the only kin left). My son is nearly grown enough that my husband and I

could have a few years of " quality time " together - and Nada wants to put

herself in the center of my life again.

So I'm telling her doctors, the home aides, the psych nurses, anybody who will

listen - NO. Her behavior toward me fits the criteria for BPD, diagnosis

notwithstanding. They can intercede for her or not - but don't assume for a

minute that she gets to heap her crap on what's left of my life. I'm not mad,

I'm just done.

There are people who have decided to work with the elderly as a way of making a

living. They have training. They are getting paid for this. I say we let 'em

do their job.

> >

> > I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

> >

> > Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every

little frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting.

Then I had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did

her usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him

how good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her

medical record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was

finished she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I

refuse to step in and cover for her.

> >

> > The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

> >

> > When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for

a week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop

while my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

> >

> > I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

> >

> > OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wendi - if you live in the U.S., there are federal and state programs that

provide for indigent elderly people - SSA, SSI, Medicare, Medicaid - it takes

some doing to thread through the maze of programs, but there is help for

housing, health care, home help, and finally, nursing home care. Your country

probably has a senior services agency with people who can help provide

information - maybe find her a safe, clean, ADA-accessible apartment somewhere

within reasonable driving distance (but not TOO close!!). If you live outside

the U.S., from what I've heard, the services and amenities might be even better.

Don't immediately assume that the only place your mother can live is in your

house. That should be the very last option, if she's BPD.

> >

> > I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today wasn't

actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no friends,

my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do something to

help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says. But I'm still

so tired.

> >

> > Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every

little frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting.

Then I had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did

her usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him

how good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her

medical record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was

finished she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I

refuse to step in and cover for her.

> >

> > The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

> >

> > When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there for

a week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop

while my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

> >

> > I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

> >

> > OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A huge thank you to all of you that wrote and encouraged me. I'm not sure why I

was so weak and whiny yesterday. Certainly there have been worse days but it all

seemed so BIG to me and I melted. Today I'm doing fine, ready to do battle

again.

Lynda - thanks for your patience and understanding. My brain knows it's not my

job to meet her every need and demand but it never seems to stop. Every time I

go over there she has a list of things that " bother " her. If we fix them, she's

thrilled. If we forget or ignore them, she'll get all cranky a few weeks later

that we didn't help her with things that were important to her. Yeah, a certain

color night light bulb to keep her dog happy is a real crisis. Buying a new

water hose nozzle is life changing.

Adrienne - It would be nice to go NC but I'm not comfortable ignoring an 81 year

old woman that is alone. Yes, being alone is her doing but I don't want to be

like her. I want to do the compassionate, kind thing and keep my sanity. Maybe

I'm expecting too much from myself. LOL But feeling good about helping is what

I get out of it. When she does die, I'll have few or no regrets.

Wendi - My parents lived away from us for years. I just about had a breakdown

when I heard they were moving to our area. The fear and anger just bubbled up in

me. Then I had to remind myself I'm an adult now and she does not have the right

to terrorize me and lay on the guilt to control me. Easier said that done but it

helped. And that was before I learned about BPD. Now it's just my Mom since my

Dad died almost 2 years ago. My hubby and I would like to move to a smaller

house with less upkeep. But we won't. As long as we live here with all the

stairs, she can't move in. She can't handle stairs. Heh-heh. This home is fine

and we'll sacrifice. :-) Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Shirley - We've been in touch with Senior Services and yes, they offer so much

aid. But she refuses to consider any of it. She won't allow people into her

home. Is she afraid they'll rob her? No, not so much. She thinks they're going

to rape her. Whatever. I can't seem to convince her otherwise. One time we wrote

a letter to her doctor (this was when she was accusing us of trying to take her

money). We explained what we've been through the past 2 years and how we've done

all we can to protect her and some of the things she's been doing. Never heard a

word in response. I understand HIPAA and privacy is an issue but I was nervous.

After having to deal with Adult Protective Services (we called them to deal with

her accusations), I was worried that her doc would show her the letter and what

we said. But he never did or the **** would have hit the fan. All I'm trying to

say is we're not getting any support from the doctor.

phine - I don't want my complaints to discourage you. I got a late start on

this. I never realized her behavior was considered abnormal. She's the only

family I've ever known. No contact with aunts and uncles to speak of, no

grandparents. And with her multiple marriages and boyfriends, we moved a lot and

I didn't have friends of my own. Besides, she doesn't like kids at all. Little

did I know my nada was far from normal.

You have a head start. Your future doesn't have to bumble along for 57 years

before you understand what's happening. I have so many regrets in regard to my

Dad (step Dad). He seemed like a nice guy, I got along with him just fine. But

her lies about him really colored my thoughts of him. Now I realize that's all

it was - just one lie after another and I can't go back and tell him how special

he is to me. I allowed my kids to be pushed aside by her so the " grownups " could

visit. I was so afraid of her I didn't even stand up for them. It makes me sick

now. You go forward and fight for yourself and your family.

[Guest guest]

Irene - I hear you. My mother wants to control all aspects of her life, too -

and it's far past time she was in a more controlled environment (like a nursing

home) - so trouble is brewing on my horizon as well. In regard to your mother

not wanting anybody in her house - I would point out that when her " staff " quits

(that would be you), she might just change her mind - especially since she will

transfer the " painted white " or " painted golden " attitude to whoever comes in

and does her bidding. You're likely to become the worst daughter in the world,

and the new caretaker will be her BFF. The caretaker will know it's nonsense,

you'll know it's nonsense - so who cares what Nada thinks, as long as she's safe

and cared for?

When my son was 2, we were having a terrible time potty-training him. Finally,

the daycare director asked us if we were using those disposable pull-up diapers.

We said yes, and she explained that as long as we continued to let him do his

business in his pants, then clean up his mess, he'd have no motivation to

control himself. We put him in " big boy " cloth underwear and didn't rush to

clean him up when he messed himself. It took one weekend.

I'm just sayin' - there are parallels.

>

> A huge thank you to all of you that wrote and encouraged me. I'm not sure why

I was so weak and whiny yesterday. Certainly there have been worse days but it

all seemed so BIG to me and I melted. Today I'm doing fine, ready to do battle

again.

>

> Lynda - thanks for your patience and understanding. My brain knows it's not my

job to meet her every need and demand but it never seems to stop. Every time I

go over there she has a list of things that " bother " her. If we fix them, she's

thrilled. If we forget or ignore them, she'll get all cranky a few weeks later

that we didn't help her with things that were important to her. Yeah, a certain

color night light bulb to keep her dog happy is a real crisis. Buying a new

water hose nozzle is life changing.

>

> Adrienne - It would be nice to go NC but I'm not comfortable ignoring an 81

year old woman that is alone. Yes, being alone is her doing but I don't want to

be like her. I want to do the compassionate, kind thing and keep my sanity.

Maybe I'm expecting too much from myself. LOL But feeling good about helping is

what I get out of it. When she does die, I'll have few or no regrets.

>

> Wendi - My parents lived away from us for years. I just about had a breakdown

when I heard they were moving to our area. The fear and anger just bubbled up in

me. Then I had to remind myself I'm an adult now and she does not have the right

to terrorize me and lay on the guilt to control me. Easier said that done but it

helped. And that was before I learned about BPD. Now it's just my Mom since my

Dad died almost 2 years ago. My hubby and I would like to move to a smaller

house with less upkeep. But we won't. As long as we live here with all the

stairs, she can't move in. She can't handle stairs. Heh-heh. This home is fine

and we'll sacrifice. :-) Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

>

> Shirley - We've been in touch with Senior Services and yes, they offer so much

aid. But she refuses to consider any of it. She won't allow people into her

home. Is she afraid they'll rob her? No, not so much. She thinks they're going

to rape her. Whatever. I can't seem to convince her otherwise. One time we wrote

a letter to her doctor (this was when she was accusing us of trying to take her

money). We explained what we've been through the past 2 years and how we've done

all we can to protect her and some of the things she's been doing. Never heard a

word in response. I understand HIPAA and privacy is an issue but I was nervous.

After having to deal with Adult Protective Services (we called them to deal with

her accusations), I was worried that her doc would show her the letter and what

we said. But he never did or the **** would have hit the fan. All I'm trying to

say is we're not getting any support from the doctor.

>

> phine - I don't want my complaints to discourage you. I got a late start

on this. I never realized her behavior was considered abnormal. She's the only

family I've ever known. No contact with aunts and uncles to speak of, no

grandparents. And with her multiple marriages and boyfriends, we moved a lot and

I didn't have friends of my own. Besides, she doesn't like kids at all. Little

did I know my nada was far from normal.

>

> You have a head start. Your future doesn't have to bumble along for 57 years

before you understand what's happening. I have so many regrets in regard to my

Dad (step Dad). He seemed like a nice guy, I got along with him just fine. But

her lies about him really colored my thoughts of him. Now I realize that's all

it was - just one lie after another and I can't go back and tell him how special

he is to me. I allowed my kids to be pushed aside by her so the " grownups " could

visit. I was so afraid of her I didn't even stand up for them. It makes me sick

now. You go forward and fight for yourself and your family.

>

[Guest guest]

That was a wonderful example about the potty training. You're right - as long as

people are willing to jump in and clean up the mess so to speak, the person

never has to be held accountable. We have a son-on-law that's like that now. His

Mom does everything for him and expects our daughter to do the same. That's

another story.

On one hand my husband and I are content to help with the big issues: scheduling

someone to paint her house, fixing a leak in the faucet, hauling junk to the

dump - things she can't do for herself. But all the stupid little things she

dreams up, we try to ignore. Otherwise we would have to be there every day to

jump through her hoops. There are two reasons we don't respond: 1. we don't have

the time and 2. she's beginning to see how much my Dad did when he was alive. He

told us years ago that she never stops her demands or complaints. This was

before I understood her BPD nature. But he was right. I figure if she gets

uncomfortable enough, she'll do these little pissy things herself or let them

go.

One last note and then I'll get on with my life. . . . hubby and I want to take

a short trip for a few days, just to the coast. But we aren't going to tell her.

She has cataract surgery coming up in 2 weeks. If we tell her we want to go away

for 4 days after her surgery, I'm thinking she'll do something to sabotage the

healing process. Kind of sick to think that way but she's done this before.

Usually fake illness and a wasted trip to the ER but it still screws up our

plans. Just like her doctor keeps telling her to stop rubbing her eyes because

it scratches them. But she'll sit there and scrub her eyes real hard, to the

point that I can hear the eyelids popping and snapping from across the room.

That seems weird and twisted to me.

>

> Irene - I hear you. My mother wants to control all aspects of her life, too -

and it's far past time she was in a more controlled environment (like a nursing

home) - so trouble is brewing on my horizon as well. In regard to your mother

not wanting anybody in her house - I would point out that when her " staff " quits

(that would be you), she might just change her mind - especially since she will

transfer the " painted white " or " painted golden " attitude to whoever comes in

and does her bidding. You're likely to become the worst daughter in the world,

and the new caretaker will be her BFF. The caretaker will know it's nonsense,

you'll know it's nonsense - so who cares what Nada thinks, as long as she's safe

and cared for?

>

> When my son was 2, we were having a terrible time potty-training him.

Finally, the daycare director asked us if we were using those disposable pull-up

diapers. We said yes, and she explained that as long as we continued to let him

do his business in his pants, then clean up his mess, he'd have no motivation to

control himself. We put him in " big boy " cloth underwear and didn't rush to

clean him up when he messed himself. It took one weekend.

>

> I'm just sayin' - there are parallels.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for the reply. I was planning on doing some research into that very

possibility. That would definately be the prefered solution. It will have to

wait until she is really hit rock bottom because she is a horder and a has MANY

animals that could not survive without her, even though half the time she can

barely feed them and vet care is almost nil. She's determined to sell the place

she has now and move back to her favorite town. With the reverse mortgage loan

she has there will be nothing left to move with. I'm just biding my time while

it all plays out. No one could ever tell her what to do or give any real

constructive advice and I'm not about to start now. At this point I don't feel

that I have any responsibility for her or her situation, but I know the time is

soon that will change. I'm not an only child, but I'm the oldest and as a

recovering codendant, still feel responsible for the world. I do have the best

support system in my family. The family that I have been blessed with; husband,

daughter, son, grandchildren, are my strength and will always be there with me

to deal with this. My siblings are not in as good a position to deal with her.

Also, I have you guys! Your understanding and advise are the most healing force

I have ever experienced to date. Thanks again.

Wendi

> > >

> > > I've had difficult years with my nada, horrid days and moments. Today

wasn't actually one of them but it wasn't great. I'm an only child, she has no

friends, my step-Dad died almost 2 years ago and I feel like I have to do

something to help her. I've set my limits, I tune out most everything she says.

But I'm still so tired.

> > >

> > > Today she talked non-stop, faster than normal to make sure I knew every

little frustration, pain, annoyance, etc. that she was feeling. How uplifting.

Then I had to take her to a dr. appt. She'll be having cataract surgery. She did

her usual inappropriate behavior. When the young doctor came in, she told him

how good looking he was. He was polite and said thank you. He went over her

medical record, did a quick exam, talked a bit about the surgery. When he was

finished she said she wanted to kiss him. He didn't respond to that. And I

refuse to step in and cover for her.

> > >

> > > The rest of the day kept going like that. The doctor's office called me at

home this evening (why not call her?) and scheduled her pre-op appt. and surgery

and follow up dates. All I can think of is being around her over and over again

while she goes through this. I came right out and asked " will I have to spend

the night with her after the surgery? " The nurse kind of hesitated and I added

" Please say no.' She said it would depend on how she's doing, whether she was

independent or needed hand holding. Well, sh*t, we all know the answer to that.

> > >

> > > When my Dad was dying, my husband and I spent days and nights over there

for a week. I thought I was going to explode listening to her complain non-stop

while my Dad laid there in pain. The house is filthy, stinks and it's hard to be

there.

> > >

> > > I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I shouldn't look ahead too far. Just

take it one day at a time and get through it. My husband and I would like to

travel but we feel trapped. She keeps saying that one day she'll die and then

we'll be free to travel. Well, heck, what if she lives for another 10 years?

We'll be too old then. Who wants to go hiking around Scotland when they're

almost 70? But you can bet if we scheduled a 10 day trip, she would have a

crisis of some sort. If she had to, I think she'd even do something to hurt

herself. She was doing this falling crap for awhile. We never saw any injuries

or bruises, just heard her version of things. Until the day she actually did get

hurt. That stopped that.

> > >

> > > OK, enough. I need to go to bed, get some rest and start again tomorrow. I

won't be seeing her until next Tuesday with her pre-op appointment. I should be

thankful for that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't the biggest problem in the

world of BP parents but I'm just wiped out.

> > >

> >

>