Re: Nada is trying to pounce

[Guest guest]

This is absolutely chilling. My Nada did the " 19 year old daughter in undergrad "

version of that. Everything from the " I'm going to pick a husband out for you

(ooo, look at that red head over there), and I'm going to live right next to you

and play with your kids ALL DAY " to " you're transferring schools; I'm going to

choose one for you. " When I started high school (I started halfway through the

year at a private school) I had to take a bunch of placement tests, and she

tried to forge my language placement test to get me into a higher level even

though I protested not only the language, but her insistence that I cheat.

She demanded access to my college student account (email, tax forms, classes,

evaluations/grades, etc) and so on and so forth even though I signed her up for

the " parent access " feature (limited info, but plenty of privileges). She would

take spontaneous trips up to " visit " me and ransack my room, go through my

computer files, and insist on meeting my friends. I " moved out " as soon as I

turned 18, you could say...I just stopped going home over school breaks. I

secured a place for my first summer alone, and on one of her spontaneous visits,

she demanded to be allowed to see it (about a month before I was supposed to

move in). I told her no because, well, it was weird and my housemates didn't

know about it and I had only been given 3 hours notice that she was coming up

(because that's how long the drive took). She had the address so she drove us

there, told me to wait in the car and physically forced her way in. I got an

angry call from the housemate who sort of sub-leased the rooms after that, so I

ended up scrambling for another housing situation and settling for an awful

place, an hour-long walk from the nearest bus stop or grocery store, literally

two days before school housing closed.

If I were in your situation, I would be dead scared of doing what I'm about to

suggest, but this is my gut instinct (keep in mind that I'm only 19 and don't

have nearly as much experience with the ways of the world as many people on this

board seem to have). I would start a separate bank account, and empty the ones

you have into that new account (financial independence). Move before your

parents come up, and DON'T give them the address. Moving and money timing will

be awkward because, from the sound of it, I wouldn't put your parents past

freezing the bank account or putting a fraud alert on it or coming up early if

they find out changes have been made to the bank account. As for names and such,

what you *can* do with the new school is introduce yourself and " go by " your

last name and more often than not people will NOT associate you with your

current legal name if anyone asks. Also, aren't schools supposed to keep your

info confidential once you're no longer considered a dependent?

I don't quite know how to express what I'm feeling, but your story hit close to

home, and I would really love to hear how things turn out because I've got my

fingers crossed for you. Hmmm... I guess " I've got you in my thoughts, but in

the non-creepy-stalker-ish way so many of us are used to " might be a good way of

saying it.

Good luck,

Frances

>

> I'm in the process of changing my name and nada knows something else and she

is trying SO SO hard to get control this might actually be the worst she's ever

been because she's so desperate.

>

> Here's the short background: I was forced into my career and I finally had

enough and left to pursue my real passion, which is business. nada and fada are

going crazy because I *Have to do medicine (old career), because that's what

they said and they can't believe I'm choosing my own career.

>

> At this point, they've tried to forge an application for me to force me back

in, they've randomly flown in to try to coerce and pressure me, they've tried to

blackmail me, and now they're just back on straight pressure. They have gone so

off the deep end they are no longer trying to make me look for medical jobs in

my area- they are trying to force me to move home, live with them, take whatever

job they give me, and marry some random boy they picked out for me (most of this

is not as cultural as you think, they have been in the US for 40 years and their

friends are nothing like this).

>

> I am moving to go to business school and am trying to coordinate changing my

name so that no one at my new school knows about my old name. I'm finally hiring

a lawyer because the court said it would take 8 weeks which would put me at one

month into the semester. I'm working on that as best as I can, but even if my

name hasn't changed I'm still tempted to change my number, email etc when I move

because I just can't take this anymore.

>

> In this process I examined the bank accts nada and fada had set up for me

because I need to list assets on my loan application for school (which nada told

me to do). I found one very large account that I can freely touch and I'm

planning on closing that account out right before I leave. Nada and fada have

been trying to come with me to look at apts so they know exactly where I'm

moving to and how to get there etc and I made up a ton of weddings so they

wouldn't be able to come.

>

> I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts from nada that basically said:

don't touch that account, we'll find out (they received notice I changed the

statement address), we're coming this weekend you said you were in a wedding,

too bad you're going to have to cancel to see us, and give us the address to

your new place, we're going to go see it so we know where you're living.

>

> My new lease actually starts this week so I could move before the end of the

month when they said they're coming. My building security absolutely will not

let them up under any circumstance anyhow- I've alerted my manager to some of

the problems. I don't know what to do and I can't believe I'm a physician,

almost 30, and am being treated like a 12 year old with no rights, no desires,

and no personhood.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

wow. this is stunning.

I am afraid your account might be empty by the time that you get to it. I sure

hope not. I will be thinking about it, I hope that all goes well and you are

able to 'take the money and run' so to speak. I really wish you had some form of

protection around you, like a body guard or something. I hope they don't try to

pay someone to kidnap you, sorry to sound dramatic but it sounds like they are

completely off their rockers.

>

> I'm in the process of changing my name and nada knows something else and she

is trying SO SO hard to get control this might actually be the worst she's ever

been because she's so desperate.

>

> Here's the short background: I was forced into my career and I finally had

enough and left to pursue my real passion, which is business. nada and fada are

going crazy because I *Have to do medicine (old career), because that's what

they said and they can't believe I'm choosing my own career.

>

> At this point, they've tried to forge an application for me to force me back

in, they've randomly flown in to try to coerce and pressure me, they've tried to

blackmail me, and now they're just back on straight pressure. They have gone so

off the deep end they are no longer trying to make me look for medical jobs in

my area- they are trying to force me to move home, live with them, take whatever

job they give me, and marry some random boy they picked out for me (most of this

is not as cultural as you think, they have been in the US for 40 years and their

friends are nothing like this).

>

> I am moving to go to business school and am trying to coordinate changing my

name so that no one at my new school knows about my old name. I'm finally hiring

a lawyer because the court said it would take 8 weeks which would put me at one

month into the semester. I'm working on that as best as I can, but even if my

name hasn't changed I'm still tempted to change my number, email etc when I move

because I just can't take this anymore.

>

> In this process I examined the bank accts nada and fada had set up for me

because I need to list assets on my loan application for school (which nada told

me to do). I found one very large account that I can freely touch and I'm

planning on closing that account out right before I leave. Nada and fada have

been trying to come with me to look at apts so they know exactly where I'm

moving to and how to get there etc and I made up a ton of weddings so they

wouldn't be able to come.

>

> I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts from nada that basically said:

don't touch that account, we'll find out (they received notice I changed the

statement address), we're coming this weekend you said you were in a wedding,

too bad you're going to have to cancel to see us, and give us the address to

your new place, we're going to go see it so we know where you're living.

>

> My new lease actually starts this week so I could move before the end of the

month when they said they're coming. My building security absolutely will not

let them up under any circumstance anyhow- I've alerted my manager to some of

the problems. I don't know what to do and I can't believe I'm a physician,

almost 30, and am being treated like a 12 year old with no rights, no desires,

and no personhood.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you both for your replies. Frances, wow, from your other posts I thought

you were much older (i.e. you're very wise).

Thank you for the advice, I am trying to go over every detail possible. I

finally was able to meet with a fantastic lawyer today- she was out of the

office until tomorrow but wanted to start working on my case *today so had me

meet with her partner. I am so so glad she understands how important even 24hrs

is. I'll keep you all posted on how the name change goes, so far so good. At

least I have *one* thing off my plate.

I also met with my therapist after posting here to discuss options for when nada

and fada come. Here's what we came up with:

- I can move asap and not be here when they come

- I can wait until I'm comfortable to move (a few weeks after their visit) and

spend that weekend with a friend, and have building security prevent them from

entering: phrased as, " you can come if you want, but I will be busy and will not

see you, even for an hour. " I can play their own card back to them and state my

opinion as fact without any explanation.

I'm leaning toward the second choice because I'm not set up to move, switch bank

accounts, switch numbers, and do everything else that will entail. I guess

another option is to move but keep in touch with them for a while so they don't

suspect anything but I don't really like that option.

The main issue is when I move I'm going to have to close all my accounts and

either that or changing my phone number and email will alert them that something

is going on. Thank you both for your concerns about my finances- I have put

blocks and passcodes on every single account I have and have alerted bank

managers to the situation. I'm not too concerned that they'll move the money I

want to take with me- they have zero access to my personal account here which I

check on daily. The other account that has a massive amt of money is also soley

under my name, and if they try to move it the bank will notify me immediately.

I spent a lot of the day on the phone with the school registrar, IT, and housing

to ensure that every person was aware of how manipulative nada and fada will be

to get information. I'm going to call campus police tomorrow and I have their

number on speed dial.

I think I've set myself up pretty well but the one thing I can't control is them

just showing up at school...which they will do . All of my grad school classes

are contained in one building so that won't be too hard to figure out. Any

suggestions??? The only thing I can think of is sending them a letter saying I'm

safe, they don't need to worry, and if they contact me even once that will give

me enough evidence to file a restraining order (they won't know that's not

true).

And truly, my only backup plan if they do show up is to call the police and

actually file a restraining order. Have any of you done this?

I cannot believe how ridiculous they're being, and the only positive thing to

come out of this chaos is they constantly re-affirm that I'm not overreacting-

that they really are that crazy.

I'm going to talk to them on Sunday to let them know I will not see them under

any circumstances so I'll definitely have an update then...Thank you all for

your concern and I truly appreciate you acknowledging how crazy they are!!

> >

> > I'm in the process of changing my name and nada knows something else and she

is trying SO SO hard to get control this might actually be the worst she's ever

been because she's so desperate.

> >

> > Here's the short background: I was forced into my career and I finally had

enough and left to pursue my real passion, which is business. nada and fada are

going crazy because I *Have to do medicine (old career), because that's what

they said and they can't believe I'm choosing my own career.

> >

> > At this point, they've tried to forge an application for me to force me back

in, they've randomly flown in to try to coerce and pressure me, they've tried to

blackmail me, and now they're just back on straight pressure. They have gone so

off the deep end they are no longer trying to make me look for medical jobs in

my area- they are trying to force me to move home, live with them, take whatever

job they give me, and marry some random boy they picked out for me (most of this

is not as cultural as you think, they have been in the US for 40 years and their

friends are nothing like this).

> >

> > I am moving to go to business school and am trying to coordinate changing my

name so that no one at my new school knows about my old name. I'm finally hiring

a lawyer because the court said it would take 8 weeks which would put me at one

month into the semester. I'm working on that as best as I can, but even if my

name hasn't changed I'm still tempted to change my number, email etc when I move

because I just can't take this anymore.

> >

> > In this process I examined the bank accts nada and fada had set up for me

because I need to list assets on my loan application for school (which nada told

me to do). I found one very large account that I can freely touch and I'm

planning on closing that account out right before I leave. Nada and fada have

been trying to come with me to look at apts so they know exactly where I'm

moving to and how to get there etc and I made up a ton of weddings so they

wouldn't be able to come.

> >

> > I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts from nada that basically said:

don't touch that account, we'll find out (they received notice I changed the

statement address), we're coming this weekend you said you were in a wedding,

too bad you're going to have to cancel to see us, and give us the address to

your new place, we're going to go see it so we know where you're living.

> >

> > My new lease actually starts this week so I could move before the end of the

month when they said they're coming. My building security absolutely will not

let them up under any circumstance anyhow- I've alerted my manager to some of

the problems. I don't know what to do and I can't believe I'm a physician,

almost 30, and am being treated like a 12 year old with no rights, no desires,

and no personhood.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ooo, ooo, I have a suggestion for them comping on campus. I did this with my

Nada right as we were going NC because she kept sending threats that weren't

quite enough for a restraining order.

Talk to campus police about filing a " No Trespass " order against them. This

order plays out one of two ways:

1. The order is sent by mail in such a way that the school is notified of the

order's reciept. After it's been recieved, your parents are forbidden from

trespassing on campus, and if they are found on campus, anyone can call the

police, and it becomes a criminal offense... so if the BPD tries to ignore THAT

boundary, well, you've got the law on your side.

2. The order is filed, but not sent, so your parents remain unaware of your

actions. You can ask that it be sent whenever you like (if timing is a concern).

Regardless, if they come on campus before it's been served, you can call campus

police. They pick up your parents, physically serve them the order, and then if

your parents don't leave campus, it becomes a criminal offense.

I had to go with #2, but luckily Nada's hasn't come to campus (yet). I heard

from my grandmother that she is in a sticky financial situation, so she would

need to focus on paying rent before she could even *think* of renting a car. It

sounds horrible for me to say it, but I feel much, MUCH safer knowing that her

main weapon (money) is something she can't be trusted with (reckless spending;

unreliable job), so right now I'm safe from her/her money.

You generally have to talk to campus police, but sometimes you also have to talk

to the Dean of Students. I'm assuming all schools have orders of trespass, but I

don't know for sure, so CHECK FIRST!!! It sounds like you're taking a lot of

really great steps to protect yourself, so stay strong! When I was in the middle

of going NC I was also on the brink of a move. Because of everything going on at

once, it was like being in *extreme* crisis mode 24/7. Make sure you leave

yourself time to crash, relax, recuperate after this is all over... just in

case.

-Frances

> > >

> > > I'm in the process of changing my name and nada knows something else and

she is trying SO SO hard to get control this might actually be the worst she's

ever been because she's so desperate.

> > >

> > > Here's the short background: I was forced into my career and I finally had

enough and left to pursue my real passion, which is business. nada and fada are

going crazy because I *Have to do medicine (old career), because that's what

they said and they can't believe I'm choosing my own career.

> > >

> > > At this point, they've tried to forge an application for me to force me

back in, they've randomly flown in to try to coerce and pressure me, they've

tried to blackmail me, and now they're just back on straight pressure. They have

gone so off the deep end they are no longer trying to make me look for medical

jobs in my area- they are trying to force me to move home, live with them, take

whatever job they give me, and marry some random boy they picked out for me

(most of this is not as cultural as you think, they have been in the US for 40

years and their friends are nothing like this).

> > >

> > > I am moving to go to business school and am trying to coordinate changing

my name so that no one at my new school knows about my old name. I'm finally

hiring a lawyer because the court said it would take 8 weeks which would put me

at one month into the semester. I'm working on that as best as I can, but even

if my name hasn't changed I'm still tempted to change my number, email etc when

I move because I just can't take this anymore.

> > >

> > > In this process I examined the bank accts nada and fada had set up for me

because I need to list assets on my loan application for school (which nada told

me to do). I found one very large account that I can freely touch and I'm

planning on closing that account out right before I leave. Nada and fada have

been trying to come with me to look at apts so they know exactly where I'm

moving to and how to get there etc and I made up a ton of weddings so they

wouldn't be able to come.

> > >

> > > I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts from nada that basically said:

don't touch that account, we'll find out (they received notice I changed the

statement address), we're coming this weekend you said you were in a wedding,

too bad you're going to have to cancel to see us, and give us the address to

your new place, we're going to go see it so we know where you're living.

> > >

> > > My new lease actually starts this week so I could move before the end of

the month when they said they're coming. My building security absolutely will

not let them up under any circumstance anyhow- I've alerted my manager to some

of the problems. I don't know what to do and I can't believe I'm a physician,

almost 30, and am being treated like a 12 year old with no rights, no desires,

and no personhood.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

your parents are batshit crazy. Good for you for making a break for

freedom. A warning, don't take anything from them ever, ever again. Whether it's

a peace offering, money, correspondence, whatever. *Anything* you take will be

used against you in the future. If you have to starve, don't take anything. It's

not worth it.

Good luck in your business endeavors, sincerely.

PS: Do you feel like you are entering the witness protection program? My god,

you're parents are loons!

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your support, you all truly make me feel like I'm not

alone although I'm voluntarily orphaning myself.

Frances, thank you for your advice on the " No Trespass " order. I still think I

might wait until they appear in person because I really don't want to alert them

that anything is going on, but I'm really glad to know about it now!

And HFB, it helps to hear you think my nada and fada are crazy since I know you,

and everyone here, truly knows what *crazy* is!

I think I've done a good job with setting myself up with protection and help and

I'm currently focusing on selling everything possible and starting to pack so I

can leave as soon as needed. I decided I'm going to first tell nada this Sunday

that if she comes on June 30, I will not be free to see her, and I WILL NOT see

her. Regardless, I am staying with a friend that weekend and have alerted

building security to not let her upstairs. (I will be moving just a week after

that but it will be too too rushed to move before)

Here are all the safeguards I've put into place:

- My current building: All of the staff and security have been alerted to not

allow my family upstairs. They have also been told to record every interaction

(phone calls, in person) in writing so I can keep that for orders of protection.

- 4 lawyers: 1 real estate lawyer to handle the condo me and nada jointly own, 2

lawyers who specialize in name changes (I have two so if one is busy one day the

other can work on my case so no time is lost), and 1 domestic violence lawyer

who checks on me daily and offers me help with the details. (luckily 2 of the 4

lawyers are working pro bono so it's not *as expensive as it sounds)

- cell phone: have worked with my phone carrier to block my number through their

server so it will be untraceable- they will open me an entirely new account when

I change my number and I have passcodes on my current account.

- Two bankers: they have helped me figure out where my finances are right now,

which ones I can touch, set up online accts to which only I have access and that

will alert me to any movement, and have helped me figure out how to keep my

money safe when I move

- One social worker: to help me with a safety plan and any details I may not

have thought of

- The admissions, housing, registrar, IT, my grad school building: I have

restricted as much information as possible so it doesn't even look like I am

enrolled there and they have all been alerted to the crazy scenarios nada and

fada will come up with to gain access. I have flags all over my account so if

anyone pulls up my information who doesn't know the story, they will at least

assess there is a confidentiality issue

- One campus detective: My school put a campus detective on my case and I have

given him pictures, handwriting samples, and full profiles of nada fada and

brother. He has distributed pictures of them (and me for protection) to all

campus police and he will stay with me throughout move in. He will also check in

with me daily (in person) for the first several weeks when I alerted him things

will be really bad.

I'm sure I'm missing some people (including friends who will house me at any

time), but I'm feeling more confident that I have a very solid plan in place. I

am scared, nervous, anxious, and excited, all at once. I know I won't be not

scared for a while because I'll be waiting for retaliation, but I'm still really

excited for that day to come

If any of you have advice, details I haven't thought of, etc, I would love your

input.

Thank you everyone for your support and in giving me a chosen family

>

> your parents are batshit crazy. Good for you for making a break for

freedom. A warning, don't take anything from them ever, ever again. Whether it's

a peace offering, money, correspondence, whatever. *Anything* you take will be

used against you in the future. If you have to starve, don't take anything. It's

not worth it.

>

> Good luck in your business endeavors, sincerely.

>

> PS: Do you feel like you are entering the witness protection program? My god,

you're parents are loons!

>