Re: Guilt, guilt and more guilt

[Guest guest]

Also, what's a KO?

>

> Hey. I haven't posted here in a long time. My mother's never been officially

diagnosed with BPD, but the book Understanding the Borderline Mother really made

a lot of things come together for me, so I'm convinced she has it.

>

> Anyway, I've spent the last 20 years trying to make her happy. I've spent

nights up worrying about her. I've spent thousands of dollars and thousands of

hours taking care of her.

>

> Recently, I hit a wall. I decided I was done. She keeps calling, and mostly I

don't answer the phone. For awhile, I was really happy about my decision and I

felt great.

>

> Now, though, I feel so terribly guilty, and yet I still don't pick up the

phone when she calls. (Thank goodness for caller ID!)

>

> Now, this inner struggle is overtaking my life.

>

> She always manages to con other people into helping her, driving her to

appointments, etc., until she pisses them off and alienates them completely.

She's getting old, and I feel like she's my responsibility, but I just hate her

so much at this point that I can't stand the thought of seeing her or talking to

her ever again.

>

> Anybody else going through this?

>

[Guest guest]

Kid Of a BPD

> >

> > Hey. I haven't posted here in a long time. My mother's never been officially

diagnosed with BPD, but the book Understanding the Borderline Mother really made

a lot of things come together for me, so I'm convinced she has it.

> >

> > Anyway, I've spent the last 20 years trying to make her happy. I've spent

nights up worrying about her. I've spent thousands of dollars and thousands of

hours taking care of her.

> >

> > Recently, I hit a wall. I decided I was done. She keeps calling, and mostly

I don't answer the phone. For awhile, I was really happy about my decision and I

felt great.

> >

> > Now, though, I feel so terribly guilty, and yet I still don't pick up the

phone when she calls. (Thank goodness for caller ID!)

> >

> > Now, this inner struggle is overtaking my life.

> >

> > She always manages to con other people into helping her, driving her to

appointments, etc., until she pisses them off and alienates them completely.

She's getting old, and I feel like she's my responsibility, but I just hate her

so much at this point that I can't stand the thought of seeing her or talking to

her ever again.

> >

> > Anybody else going through this?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You mirror my life, except for the part my mother can be so wonderful, so loving

to outside people, they will do anything for her! Yet, the major stuff still

falls on me. She feels it's okay for her to yell and scream, and express her

feelings, but if anyone else does the same, they are being disrespectful.

I'm struggling with " what to do " as well. I frequently get the crying phone

calls, the accusations of abandonment, the tirades about how she wishes she

never had me, followed up with the fact she does not believe anyone loves her.

It's frustrating.

>

> Hey. I haven't posted here in a long time. My mother's never been officially

diagnosed with BPD, but the book Understanding the Borderline Mother really made

a lot of things come together for me, so I'm convinced she has it.

>

> Anyway, I've spent the last 20 years trying to make her happy. I've spent

nights up worrying about her. I've spent thousands of dollars and thousands of

hours taking care of her.

>

> Recently, I hit a wall. I decided I was done. She keeps calling, and mostly I

don't answer the phone. For awhile, I was really happy about my decision and I

felt great.

>

> Now, though, I feel so terribly guilty, and yet I still don't pick up the

phone when she calls. (Thank goodness for caller ID!)

>

> Now, this inner struggle is overtaking my life.

>

> She always manages to con other people into helping her, driving her to

appointments, etc., until she pisses them off and alienates them completely.

She's getting old, and I feel like she's my responsibility, but I just hate her

so much at this point that I can't stand the thought of seeing her or talking to

her ever again.

>

> Anybody else going through this?

>

[Guest guest]

KO is Kid of (a borderline parent). I can relate to alot of what you posted. God

love you for doing what you do, only you can decide if it's worth it to continue

or not, if you are like most people you have probably gone above and beyond. Get

more information about what resources are available to her like help getting to

stores and appointments, and things like that, and that might help you make a

decision that is healthy for you and still know her needs are met.

>

> Hey. I haven't posted here in a long time. My mother's never been officially

diagnosed with BPD, but the book Understanding the Borderline Mother really made

a lot of things come together for me, so I'm convinced she has it.

>

> Anyway, I've spent the last 20 years trying to make her happy. I've spent

nights up worrying about her. I've spent thousands of dollars and thousands of

hours taking care of her.

>

> Recently, I hit a wall. I decided I was done. She keeps calling, and mostly I

don't answer the phone. For awhile, I was really happy about my decision and I

felt great.

>

> Now, though, I feel so terribly guilty, and yet I still don't pick up the

phone when she calls. (Thank goodness for caller ID!)

>

> Now, this inner struggle is overtaking my life.

>

> She always manages to con other people into helping her, driving her to

appointments, etc., until she pisses them off and alienates them completely.

She's getting old, and I feel like she's my responsibility, but I just hate her

so much at this point that I can't stand the thought of seeing her or talking to

her ever again.

>

> Anybody else going through this?

>

[Guest guest]

I am going through exactly the same thing at the moment. I have never ever

contemplated the idea of having no contact as I am the only child and she has

more or less raised me as a single parent. I have always felt so responsible for

her!! Living in a different state to her allowed me to manage in a sense as I

didn't have day to day contact, but still had to deal with intense visits a few

times a year, which would take me months to get over each time.

Now by a strange turn of fate, we are back in my home town and I have just had

my first baby. In short, she has been a great help cooking, cleaning etc.

However since she had the inevitable " blow up " about three weeks ago and I have

had space to reflect, I realise just how nervous and unsettled I have been

throughout all of our interactions, even the seemingly good ones. She is just

always pushing boundaries and making everyone uncomfortable, even when she is

being seemingly innocent and excessively helpful.

Anyway, I feel like I have had an awakening of sorts, where I can no longer

excuse her recent attack, accept her skewed excuses and carry on. I no longer

frame her as being this wonderful, soft and loving, person who is just full of

anger and hurt from her tough life. I no longer think that by nurturing and

encouraging these " good " qualities in her, the anger and hostility will

disappear and she will be " cured " .

I now see absolutely ALL of her behaviour as manipulation- the good and the bad.

It had been incredibly confronting to admit, but strangely liberating as well.

I tried to maintain L.C with her, but she could sense me withdrawing and that

just lead to another attack from her. At this point in time, I feel utterly fed

up and like I don't ever want to see her again. In fact, as hard as it is to

admit, the idea of seeing her makes me feel sick. So I have decided not to

contact her and I just let the phone ring now in case it is her. I have never

felt this strongly that I want her out of my life. I feel such a strong need to

protect myself and my family.

Having said that, I consistently have doubts, especially because the wall I am

trying to put up feels entirely contradictory to the type of person that I try

to be. I am struggling with the idea of keeping her out of my life, because I am

afraid of becoming hard hearted and losing my compassion, because in a sense I

need that " hardness " to not get pulled back into the cycle again.

Also, the very fact that she is my mother and there are the shared memories that

no one else has, there is a fondness and a closeness that we do have at times

(though this manifests as intense, over-bearing, hero-worshipping love for me on

her part)and that attachment is hard to dismiss.

I can relate so much to the concern that you feel for your mother's well-being.

I have only just let go of feeling responsible for my mother and despite what

she has always had me believe, I realise that her life will carry on more or

less with or without me in it. She is not old, but acts like an elderly person.

She has had a back injury for years, which I can never get my head around

because her descriptions are so strange, doesn't work and has more or less been

isolated from family and friends ever since I left home.

I now truly understand that I can't fix her and that has helped me to remove

myself somewhat.

I think it good advice to find out some community services that can help with

your mother's situation. Recently, I chatted to my mother's G.P and church

pastor because I knew that I had to withdraw and I wanted her support network to

have a greater understanding of her situation. I also hoped that if her doctor

understood the bigger picture then she might eventually get the right treatment.

I found a lot of great support services out there for me too, once I started

looking.

I am working through my guilt by telling myself that her behaviour and situation

in life are not going to change no matter what I do and I simply can't put up

with the abuse any more. I also tell myself that allowing her to control me does

not help her either, so it's mutually beneficial to put up strong boundaries.

Well, I'm sorry I don't have any answers so to speak, but just thought it might

help you to know others are going through a similar experience to you.

Please keep in touch about this if you find it helps. I really hope this has

helped at least a little.

Stay strong.

With warmth,

Lynda

> >

> > Hey. I haven't posted here in a long time. My mother's never been officially

diagnosed with BPD, but the book Understanding the Borderline Mother really made

a lot of things come together for me, so I'm convinced she has it.

> >

> > Anyway, I've spent the last 20 years trying to make her happy. I've spent

nights up worrying about her. I've spent thousands of dollars and thousands of

hours taking care of her.

> >

> > Recently, I hit a wall. I decided I was done. She keeps calling, and mostly

I don't answer the phone. For awhile, I was really happy about my decision and I

felt great.

> >

> > Now, though, I feel so terribly guilty, and yet I still don't pick up the

phone when she calls. (Thank goodness for caller ID!)

> >

> > Now, this inner struggle is overtaking my life.

> >

> > She always manages to con other people into helping her, driving her to

appointments, etc., until she pisses them off and alienates them completely.

She's getting old, and I feel like she's my responsibility, but I just hate her

so much at this point that I can't stand the thought of seeing her or talking to

her ever again.

> >

> > Anybody else going through this?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone.

I can really relate to " the idea of seeing her makes me sick. " Boy, can I

relate!

And also not wanting to turn into a hard-hearted person like her! Exactly! The

way she interacts with me *forces* me to behave like a person I'm not! I *never*

have the kinds of arguments with other people that I do with her, because other

people can be reasoned with. Not that I argue a lot, I don't! But if I do have a

disagreement with my husband or a friend we can have a rational decision and

come to some sort of agreement.

Not mother. With mother, what she says goes, or I'm the all-bad child.

I get so *tired* of having to say, " Yes, mother, you're right. The sky is

orange. " and if tomorrow she insists the sky is green, well, then, that's what

we're all expected to go with.

Bull! My sky is blue, dammit!

She's been leaving messages on my machine saying that she's been walking to the

grocery store. Her car hasn't worked for months and she can't afford to have it

fixed. Translation: " I have once and for all completely pissed off everyone who

was giving me rides, and even though I'm terribly sick (hypochondriac) I'm

somehow now able to walk to the store even though I haven't been able to walk

that far in 20 years. "

I just can't call her. I waited on her for 20 years. I can't do it right now.

She's going to have to figure things out herself for awhile. Maybe forever.

I'm just trying not to take out this self-imposed anger and depression and guilt

on my own beautiful child.

[Guest guest]

Honey, please please please do not feel guilty.  It aint your guilt, your mom

sounds so similiar to my mom, and probably many others on here will agree. 

Your

are not your moms mommy, you have your own life, and your own child to look

after, you sound like you have spent too many years looking after your moms

needs before your own, and as hard as it is, because you are a nice person, its

time to STOP and put yourself and your own family first.

I am coming to the realisation that my mom will never ever change, she thinks

that there is nothing wrong with her, and that everyone else is wrong or bad,

and poor her etc, I am just too tired out of playing her games, and looking

after her like im the mom.

I know its hard, but you will get there in the end, life is so so short, please

try and live it the way that YOU want to and not the way that your mom wishes

that she should have lived hers, dont let her live through YOU.

Best wishes

x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, July 16, 2010 7:21:22 PM

Subject: Re: Guilt, guilt and more guilt

 

Thanks everyone.

I can really relate to " the idea of seeing her makes me sick. " Boy, can I

relate!

And also not wanting to turn into a hard-hearted person like her! Exactly! The

way she interacts with me *forces* me to behave like a person I'm not! I *never*

have the kinds of arguments with other people that I do with her, because other

people can be reasoned with. Not that I argue a lot, I don't! But if I do have a

disagreement with my husband or a friend we can have a rational decision and

come to some sort of agreement.

Not mother. With mother, what she says goes, or I'm the all-bad child.

I get so *tired* of having to say, " Yes, mother, you're right. The sky is

orange. " and if tomorrow she insists the sky is green, well, then, that's what

we're all expected to go with.

Bull! My sky is blue, dammit!

She's been leaving messages on my machine saying that she's been walking to the

grocery store. Her car hasn't worked for months and she can't afford to have it

fixed. Translation: " I have once and for all completely pissed off everyone who

was giving me rides, and even though I'm terribly sick (hypochondriac) I'm

somehow now able to walk to the store even though I haven't been able to walk

that far in 20 years. "

I just can't call her. I waited on her for 20 years. I can't do it right now.

She's going to have to figure things out herself for awhile. Maybe forever.

I'm just trying not to take out this self-imposed anger and depression and guilt

on my own beautiful child.

[Guest guest]

Amen!!!  Thanks for the post.  I learn so much  for these.  The part about

not letting nada live through you really hit home. 

Subject: Re: Re: Guilt, guilt and more guilt

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 16, 2010, 8:12 PM

 

Honey, please please please do not feel guilty.  It aint your guilt, your mom

sounds so similiar to my mom, and probably many others on here will agree. 

Your

are not your moms mommy, you have your own life, and your own child to look

after, you sound like you have spent too many years looking after your moms

needs before your own, and as hard as it is, because you are a nice person, its

time to STOP and put yourself and your own family first.

I am coming to the realisation that my mom will never ever change, she thinks

that there is nothing wrong with her, and that everyone else is wrong or bad,

and poor her etc, I am just too tired out of playing her games, and looking

after her like im the mom.

I know its hard, but you will get there in the end, life is so so short, please

try and live it the way that YOU want to and not the way that your mom wishes

that she should have lived hers, dont let her live through YOU.

Best wishes

x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, July 16, 2010 7:21:22 PM

Subject: Re: Guilt, guilt and more guilt

 

Thanks everyone.

I can really relate to " the idea of seeing her makes me sick. " Boy, can I

relate!

And also not wanting to turn into a hard-hearted person like her! Exactly! The

way she interacts with me *forces* me to behave like a person I'm not! I *never*

have the kinds of arguments with other people that I do with her, because other

people can be reasoned with. Not that I argue a lot, I don't! But if I do have a

disagreement with my husband or a friend we can have a rational decision and

come to some sort of agreement.

Not mother. With mother, what she says goes, or I'm the all-bad child.

I get so *tired* of having to say, " Yes, mother, you're right. The sky is

orange. " and if tomorrow she insists the sky is green, well, then, that's what

we're all expected to go with.

Bull! My sky is blue, dammit!

She's been leaving messages on my machine saying that she's been walking to the

grocery store. Her car hasn't worked for months and she can't afford to have it

fixed. Translation: " I have once and for all completely pissed off everyone who

was giving me rides, and even though I'm terribly sick (hypochondriac) I'm

somehow now able to walk to the store even though I haven't been able to walk

that far in 20 years. "

I just can't call her. I waited on her for 20 years. I can't do it right now.

She's going to have to figure things out herself for awhile. Maybe forever.

I'm just trying not to take out this self-imposed anger and depression and guilt

on my own beautiful child.