Re: Does anyone else feel like a human dry-erase board?

[Guest guest]

The cool composure is very unique! I'm used to seeing raging, and extreme

emotional displays. Are you still interacting with her?

On Wed, Jul 14, 2010 at 3:31 AM, josephinebl67 wrote:

>

>

> I wrote a long post but I lost it when my computer rebooted. But no matter

> what my identity is, no matter what the truth is, my mother can just take

> the eraser and scrub it all out and write what she wants the truth to be

> right on top of the now blank me and then that is what I am and how it went

> down. I am not what I am, I am what she needs me to be, which is apparently

> whatever negative emotion she is feeling at the time that she can't cope

> with. All the things that have happened to me don't count, but her suffering

> is real and tragic. My father's abuse of her and her daughters in law

> (verbal) is horrible but his lifelong abuse of me didn't happen, happened

> because I deserved it, or happened only in response to MY abuse of HIM. I am

> coming to the conclusion all she sees in me is a blank slate on which to

> project her negative emotions and conclusions about life. What makes it

> harder is she never loses her composure, she never gets emotionally

> overwrought, she never even raises her voice. In fact she gets quieter, more

> still, and more in control when she is doing this projection/deflection

> thing that she does to me. I on the other hand get so frustrated about

> having my existence and reality in general invalidated that I want to

> scream. And there is this little voice that tells me I am making something

> out of nothing because all mothers are supposed to drive their adult

> children crazy, that is their job. And it's nothing out of the ordinary.

> Probably because she is so un-hysterical and emotionally undemonstrative

> when she is doing the invalidating. It makes me feel nuts.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

phine,

Your description is so accurate- yes I do feel that way. I am almost 52 and

still finding who I am - not who nada says and or wants from me. I actually have

a wonderful therapist who is helping me find my identify- based on what I feel

and know about me.

You are in there-and the real you sounds like it is tired of being erased-

so you will emerge- outside of nada's world.

Remember too- you are not crazy- but dealing with crazy on a regular

basis- can and will make you feel that way.

Take care,

Malinda

>

> I wrote a long post but I lost it when my computer rebooted. But no matter

what my identity is, no matter what the truth is, my mother can just take the

eraser and scrub it all out and write what she wants the truth to be right on

top of the now blank me and then that is what I am and how it went down. I am

not what I am, I am what she needs me to be, which is apparently whatever

negative emotion she is feeling at the time that she can't cope with. All the

things that have happened to me don't count, but her suffering is real and

tragic. My father's abuse of her and her daughters in law (verbal) is horrible

but his lifelong abuse of me didn't happen, happened because I deserved it, or

happened only in response to MY abuse of HIM. I am coming to the conclusion all

she sees in me is a blank slate on which to project her negative emotions and

conclusions about life. What makes it harder is she never loses her composure,

she never gets emotionally overwrought, she never even raises her voice. In fact

she gets quieter, more still, and more in control when she is doing this

projection/deflection thing that she does to me. I on the other hand get so

frustrated about having my existence and reality in general invalidated that I

want to scream. And there is this little voice that tells me I am making

something out of nothing because all mothers are supposed to drive their adult

children crazy, that is their job. And it's nothing out of the ordinary.

Probably because she is so un-hysterical and emotionally undemonstrative when

she is doing the invalidating. It makes me feel nuts.

>

[Guest guest]

What a great analogy!! Yes, that's exactly what it feels like--she seems to

have this ability to erase and write/re-write anything she wants about my

character, motivation, words, actions, etc. And, like you said, she can

re-write events and come up with stuff out of thin air!! All deftly explained,

so as to be easily believed.

Sheesh.

My nada was the same as yours. Typically, when she did this, it was very calm,

calculated, and peaceful. She was completely reasonable (in her manner and

speech) and articulate. That made it so much harder to sort out.

Who am I? She seems so convinced. And she seems so sane! Crazymaking at its

most precise and effective.

In fact, this is one of the things I've been trying to sort out lately. My nada

is very intuitive with people. She sees more about people (including me, when I

wasn't NC) than you would believe. Its a necessary part of manipulation and

shielding the truth, so she's good at it as a functional BP.

When she talked about me, she was absolutely right 85% of the time. (Let's not

forget her enmeshment and intrusiveness--she would snoop into anything I owned

or knew). She was always eerily insightful. How was I supposed to know that

15% of the time--when she was MOST confident about her insights--she was

completely BP insane?

It's been really hard for me to sort out what was real, because she was so

convincing when she was re-writing for her own crazy BP needs.

Anyway, excellent analogy. Thanks for posting--

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I wrote a long post but I lost it when my computer rebooted. But no matter

what my identity is, no matter what the truth is, my mother can just take the

eraser and scrub it all out and write what she wants the truth to be right on

top of the now blank me and then that is what I am and how it went down. I am

not what I am, I am what she needs me to be, which is apparently whatever

negative emotion she is feeling at the time that she can't cope with. All the

things that have happened to me don't count, but her suffering is real and

tragic. My father's abuse of her and her daughters in law (verbal) is horrible

but his lifelong abuse of me didn't happen, happened because I deserved it, or

happened only in response to MY abuse of HIM. I am coming to the conclusion all

she sees in me is a blank slate on which to project her negative emotions and

conclusions about life. What makes it harder is she never loses her composure,

she never gets emotionally overwrought, she never even raises her voice. In fact

she gets quieter, more still, and more in control when she is doing this

projection/deflection thing that she does to me. I on the other hand get so

frustrated about having my existence and reality in general invalidated that I

want to scream. And there is this little voice that tells me I am making

something out of nothing because all mothers are supposed to drive their adult

children crazy, that is their job. And it's nothing out of the ordinary.

Probably because she is so un-hysterical and emotionally undemonstrative when

she is doing the invalidating. It makes me feel nuts.

>

[Guest guest]

I can COMPLETELY relate to feeling like a human dry-erase board! I just went

through that this morning with MY nada!

For two previous phone calls I had Donna and the last two I had

increasingly Attila The Hun the bitch from hell.

I am the BAD daughter. I am a leech. Her 'real daughters' are Pam and Kathy

who are only NEIGHBORS who are down there to do her bidding, I am grateful for

them helping because if they didn't, I'd have to move and do it I suppose but

still.

It's difficult to deal with regardless of what anyone says. We are not to blame

for anything other than being 'selfish, inconsiderate blobs' because we don't

cow tow to them and wait on them hand and foot. We are BAD and we deserve what

they did to us (on the RARE occasions that she admits she did anything wrong

which is seldom and if she does, it is so watered down that it is a slap on the

wrist and not the punch in the mouth it really was. I was there. I know how

much abuse there was and how often - she has selective amnesia aod totally

forgets all of it.

We are only responsible for ourselves and not our nadas' behavior and not their

lives. They made choices and did what THEY wanted to which is their right in my

mind as everyone has the right to as long as it doesn't hurt someone else, but

the truth is they DID hurt someone else - NUMEROUS someone else's and continue

to do so. It will only end with their deaths I'm afraid.

In the meantime we have to struggle as best we can and do only what we feel is

right. We are entitled to our own lives and to our own health and peace of

mind.

[Guest guest]

daily. I realize now she can't be angry because she is pitiful and powerless.

Being angry and powerful makes her feel guilty and she can't handle those

emotions, it's easier to be weak and all shriveled up and nothing.

>

> >

> >

> > I wrote a long post but I lost it when my computer rebooted. But no matter

> > what my identity is, no matter what the truth is, my mother can just take

> > the eraser and scrub it all out and write what she wants the truth to be

> > right on top of the now blank me and then that is what I am and how it went

> > down. I am not what I am, I am what she needs me to be, which is apparently

> > whatever negative emotion she is feeling at the time that she can't cope

> > with. All the things that have happened to me don't count, but her suffering

> > is real and tragic. My father's abuse of her and her daughters in law

> > (verbal) is horrible but his lifelong abuse of me didn't happen, happened

> > because I deserved it, or happened only in response to MY abuse of HIM. I am

> > coming to the conclusion all she sees in me is a blank slate on which to

> > project her negative emotions and conclusions about life. What makes it

> > harder is she never loses her composure, she never gets emotionally

> > overwrought, she never even raises her voice. In fact she gets quieter, more

> > still, and more in control when she is doing this projection/deflection

> > thing that she does to me. I on the other hand get so frustrated about

> > having my existence and reality in general invalidated that I want to

> > scream. And there is this little voice that tells me I am making something

> > out of nothing because all mothers are supposed to drive their adult

> > children crazy, that is their job. And it's nothing out of the ordinary.

> > Probably because she is so un-hysterical and emotionally undemonstrative

> > when she is doing the invalidating. It makes me feel nuts.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

phine,

that's such an incredible word picture. You nailed it.

Yup, I feel this way too.

>

> I wrote a long post but I lost it when my computer rebooted. But no matter

what my identity is, no matter what the truth is, my mother can just take the

eraser and scrub it all out and write what she wants the truth to be right on

top of the now blank me and then that is what I am and how it went down. I am

not what I am, I am what she needs me to be, which is apparently whatever

negative emotion she is feeling at the time that she can't cope with. All the

things that have happened to me don't count, but her suffering is real and

tragic. My father's abuse of her and her daughters in law (verbal) is horrible

but his lifelong abuse of me didn't happen, happened because I deserved it, or

happened only in response to MY abuse of HIM. I am coming to the conclusion all

she sees in me is a blank slate on which to project her negative emotions and

conclusions about life. What makes it harder is she never loses her composure,

she never gets emotionally overwrought, she never even raises her voice. In fact

she gets quieter, more still, and more in control when she is doing this

projection/deflection thing that she does to me. I on the other hand get so

frustrated about having my existence and reality in general invalidated that I

want to scream. And there is this little voice that tells me I am making

something out of nothing because all mothers are supposed to drive their adult

children crazy, that is their job. And it's nothing out of the ordinary.

Probably because she is so un-hysterical and emotionally undemonstrative when

she is doing the invalidating. It makes me feel nuts.

>