Re: Advice on setting boundaries

July 14, 2010

I want to thank everyone who gave me advice and support on this thread.

My wedding took place two weeks ago. I stuck to my decision not to invite nada,

and I kept the event a semi-secret to avoid gatecrashing.

The event was a huge success - relaxed, fun, full of love and support from

friends and his family. I didn't spend any time on the day feeling sad thinking

about my absent family - it was such a whirlwind and there was so much positive

energy that there really wasn't the time. The whole nada situation seemed an

irrelevance. I would advise anyone in the same position to do the same.

Now returned from honeymoon I feel a bit vulnerable and seem to have gone

backwards in my healing process. I do not regret the decision not to not invite

and to go NC generally - far from it, I wish I had done so sooner. However, the

dramas around my wedding precipitated my finding SWOE and having the lightbulb

moment, and so the two are linked for me emotionally. Does anyone have any

advice to solve this? (I don't expect to stop feeling angry about nada - I know

this will take more time - I just want to de-link those feelings from my

wedding memories. They don't belong there.)

Kate

>

> Dear Kate,

>

> Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Your posts are lovely and lucid,

and I know that the event will be beautiful no matter what happens.

>

> I have been learning about bpd and posting for about six years now. Weddings,

births of grandchildren and funerals (in that order) are the times that nadas

most intensely exhibit their borderline traits. It is likely because these

events force them to face actual abandonment or separate being from their

children. Wedding horror stories are probably the single most popular topic

that has been posted on this board over the years.

>

> As hard as all of us try, I don't know that there is ever a point that we

reach where nadas' actions no longer make us uncomfortable and anxious. Rest

assured that no matter how it happens, if she is allowed to come to the wedding,

she *will* attempt to make it 'all about her' and make you miserable in some

way. The unpredictability of HOW she will do this is very difficult, I know.

She might do it in a way that only you can see--from her use of the emails

though, it sounds like she might be on the raging side, or might be a

scene-maker.

>

> Your decision is to determine, as best you can, what will cause the least pain

to you and your fiancee. Is it less painful to you to have her there than not,

putting up with whatever discomfort she is CERTAIN to cause the child in you,

and embarassent she is certain to cause the adult in you? If you are leaning

towards inviting her and are not sure why, it may be because your psyche is

telling you that you have something to learn from this event. Often when we

first have learned about bpd, we are still drawn to our nadas for quite some

time, as we learn and confirm our impressions. But I must warn you that what

you will learn in this situation is most likely that your nada is willing and

capable of making your wedding the worst day of your life.

>

> That is what my nada did to me. I had known about bpd for some time, but I

chose to include her anyway in my wedding--my choice was based on the idea that

my wedding was a time for the entire family, and I did not want to make the

*other* family members feel weird or uncomfortable by excluding her. Knowing

what I do now, I dont' think I would make that same choice again. My wedding

was the single most painful day of my life, and I am unable even to look at the

pictures. My best friends were all extremely uncomortable at how nada and my

narscissist father treated them. Less than immediate family members, cousins

etc, seemed baffled at how verbally abusive nada was all day, and it sullied the

event. Looking back, knowing that the event would have been sullied anyway

without her presence, I would choose to either skip the reception entirely and

have a party with friends later, or, at the very least, to not invite nada.

>

> But that is your choice to make. Just know that at this time, nada honestly

'feels' like she has a hot iron poker pointed at her face, and the only way to

get rid of it is to attack YOU, and get a 'rise' or reaction from you--and also

to get other people to agree with her that she is 'good' and a victim and you

have wronged her.

>

> Hope this is helpful and best wishes again!

>

> Charlie

>

July 14, 2010

-

Congratulations on your marriage - how wonderful! And I'm so glad you were able

to truly celebrate the day, without constantly looking over your shoulder for

trouble, or trying to placate your mother over some perceived slight or other.

Yes, it's sad that you're not able to have your mom at such an important

occasion - but it would have been far sadder if you'd let her disrupt your joy.

So although I think we KO's often second-guess our decisions, over time I've

found it gets easier - I just tell myself that Nada and her illness deserve

compassion, but they don't deserve top billing in my life, all day every day -

and when others are involved (a spouse, children, friends and co-workers) - it's

even more important not to inflict Nada's inability to control herself on

unsuspecting innocents.

So I have to say that enforcing these boundaries gets easier over time, as the

good memories pile up and the predictable Nada-related chaos is averted.

> >

> > Dear Kate,

> >

> > Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Your posts are lovely and lucid,

and I know that the event will be beautiful no matter what happens.

> >

> > I have been learning about bpd and posting for about six years now.

Weddings, births of grandchildren and funerals (in that order) are the times

that nadas most intensely exhibit their borderline traits. It is likely because

these events force them to face actual abandonment or separate being from their

children. Wedding horror stories are probably the single most popular topic

that has been posted on this board over the years.

> >

> > As hard as all of us try, I don't know that there is ever a point that we

reach where nadas' actions no longer make us uncomfortable and anxious. Rest

assured that no matter how it happens, if she is allowed to come to the wedding,

she *will* attempt to make it 'all about her' and make you miserable in some

way. The unpredictability of HOW she will do this is very difficult, I know.

She might do it in a way that only you can see--from her use of the emails

though, it sounds like she might be on the raging side, or might be a

scene-maker.

> >

> > Your decision is to determine, as best you can, what will cause the least

pain to you and your fiancee. Is it less painful to you to have her there than

not, putting up with whatever discomfort she is CERTAIN to cause the child in

you, and embarassent she is certain to cause the adult in you? If you are

leaning towards inviting her and are not sure why, it may be because your psyche

is telling you that you have something to learn from this event. Often when we

first have learned about bpd, we are still drawn to our nadas for quite some

time, as we learn and confirm our impressions. But I must warn you that what

you will learn in this situation is most likely that your nada is willing and

capable of making your wedding the worst day of your life.

> >

> > That is what my nada did to me. I had known about bpd for some time, but I