Re: Final letter when going NC?

[Guest guest]

I was also worried that my Nada would try and find me, and I *d8d* end up

sending a letter, but it was a few weeks (maybe a month) after I went NC. I

didn't write one until I was all set up with my new life: house, job, etc. I

kept the letter short and brief (no emotions or hopes for the future). Quite

literally: I'm not coming home, I'm doing well, our relationship has been

strained lately (something she agreed on), I won't be contacting you, please

don't contact me. I went over it with my therapist a few times before sending

it. I sent it by snail-mail so she wouldn't have the opportunity to send an

immediate nasty reply via email.

It gave me closure, and she DID respond to it (by email) which irked me, but I

had proof that it was a CLEAR boundary violation, so I couldn't make myself

crazy about it. She's sent me a total of 3 or 4 emails since going NC, but I've

ignored them all and there's been more space between each of them. I refuse to

reinforce her behaviors, and I think she's getting the message. Also, because

she knew I was doing well (which she referenced) she had no excuse for

craziness, no reason to call the cops, etc... it would just make her look

bad/crazy and even harder to get to me (since I would have more proof/evidence).

I'm curious as to how you envisioned the letter? I know that I had to write out

several mean, nasty, accusatory, angry letters in my journal just to process the

fact that I probably wouldn't ever get an apology or acknowledgement from her.

By comparison, what I sent Nada was more of a memo or " check-in " and I think

that it's depersonalized matter-of-fact tone helped. This is why I suggest

working with your therapist on it... get a 3rd party to read it and try and find

things for her to attack.

Also, it goes without saying that there should NOT be a return address on the

envelope... or you should send email from a different email account... make sure

there are NO ways to trace you from the contact... it'll make YOU feel safer!

-Frances

>

> For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think it

was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

>

> As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

>

> I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

>

> I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Frances! You have been very helpful! Even though nada ended up emailing

you, are you glad that you sent the letter?

I am envisioning a similar letter to what you sent- I'm fine, you don't need to

worry, and no signs of hope (I have to figure out how to say that). The other

reason I wanted to send her a letter is that we jointly own property but I had a

lawyer draw up documents so I've waived my rights to everything. I wanted to put

that in the letter so she wouldn't have a " reason " to find me although I don't

know when that would occur to her. I will definitely run this by my therapist as

well, but I really value all of your opinions too! And I already set it up with

a friend to mail the letter from Paris. Nada knows it has been my life-long

dream to move there

> >

> > For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think

it was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

> >

> > As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

> >

> > I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

> >

> > I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I was VERY glad I sent the letter. When it all came down to it, I chose to send

the letter to gain closure for myself. Yes, fear of Nada played into it, but

ultimately it was one of the first things I did for myself. The first few emails

terrified me, and I overreacted which alerted me to how traumatized I was, which

sort of bolstered my resolve to remain NC. This is part of why I suggested to

give yourself time to recuperate after the crisis stabilizes... you want to be

in a safe place if any communication attempts come by.

Be prepared for ANY kind of response, nasty, rude, friendly, charming. I got

pseudo-apologies ( " I'm sorry YOU might have thought that of me " kind of things)

and just charming updates ( " Hope you're doing well, I'm going back to school let

me know if you wanna visit " ). FOr me, the charming ones were harder to deal

with. I kept her nasty emails, so whenever I got a charming one, I could look

back and say " I know this cycle, and I'm not being pulled into it again. "

Writing the letter also helped me ease some of the " what kind of daughter would

cut off contact with her mother " guilt. Rather than keeping her in the dark, I

let her know what was going on in words that (I thought) she would be able to

digest without going nuts. It was also practice setting boundaries... I wrote,

" I will not be contacting you at least until the end of the summer, and I will

ask you to do the same. " I put summer because, well, I *am* a penniless

19-year-old college student at a college that is incredibly unhelpful with

dependency overrides. Also, I thought Nada would be nicer if she could look

forward to any communication, but my statement was still non-commital enough for

me ( " at least " ). I might send her a letter at the end of the summer more clearly

extending NC indefinitely.

I like your Paris idea! Actually, I have a funny story about NC and travel. This

involves a tiny bit of family history. My grandma and grandpa split. My grandma

doesn't talk to my grandpa. They had two children, my Nada and my Aunt. My Aunt

talks ONLY to grandma and occasionally (rarely) to grandpa (no Nada). My Nada

talks ONLY to grandma and grandpa (no Aunt). Ok, so, I phoned my grandma

yesterday, and apparently my grandpa (elderly, mentally ill) " saw " me at a bus

stop in Toronto (we're all from Canada/ Ontario/ Toronto). He told my Aunt who

told my grandma. He also told my Nada who told my grandpa. So since I'm only in

contact with my grandma, and we've agreed to keep our contact secret, my Nada's

side of the family all think I nipped up to Canada instead of staying in Western

Mass, where I go to school. I'm quite happy with that assumption =P

I don't know what to say about the documents, but my policy with Nada has been:

I won't give them to her until I have to (or ask for them from her until I have

to). Then again, my documents all revolve around things like citizenship, birth

certificates, and taxes. When I sent my letter I wanted to send as little as

humanly possible for her to reply to/about.

Good luck,

Frances

> > >

> > > For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you

think it was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of

you who didn't, do you wish you had?

> > >

> > > As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

> > >

> > > I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason

for sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't

worry about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional

and first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

> > >

> > > I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all the information, Frances. It will give me a lot to think about

when/if I write a letter (I'll be sure to keep all of you posted).

It's so funny that you mentioned fake apologies- I just got off the phone with

nada and fada for our weekly phone call and that's entirely what it was. NOW my

they have finally calmed down after six months from hell. Amazing. I just had an

*almost pleasant conversation with them but thank god it was still littered with

snippets of crazy so I don't delude myself that they're actually supportive.

I was actually able to convince them we need to see each other at the end of Aug

(instead of June 30 when they were insisting) but we still can't make definite

plans- we'll see how long this will last. (I will be long gone by early august

so if I can keep it like this, that would be amazing). I wouldn't be surprised,

though, if next sunday when we talk everything changes.

I had a decently rational conversation with fada- I texted him this week that I

was taking out loans (he was wondering why I was trying to access *my* accounts)

and nada and fada really freaked out bec the only thing they have to control me

is money. I'm glad I had such a business-like convo with fada because when I'm

gone they're going to realize, the one child who did everything they wanted (my

brother) is completely incompetent and that's how I would have been if I had

listened to them. I feel like while they have me in their life, even if I'm the

bad child, they can think/say that they raised a doctor.

Nada was also acting supportive, although her version of supportive is she has

to come help me move (even though I told her i didn't want her to) and come see

my school and where I'm living and how to get there from their house.

This is probably not fair but I provoked nada a little just to make sure she was

still, in fact, crazy. I told her I'd likely see her at the end of Aug but if

that didn't work out then sometime between Sept and Nov. Wow. That set her off-

then it was no longer, " ok we can work w your schedule " , she kept screaming she

absolutely had to seem me in aug no matter what. And I kept repeating to her

" just because you want to see me doesn't mean that i'll be free " . and then she

finally said " fine then I guess we'll just go to India and who knows if you'll

ever see us " . Sigh. so glad she tested crazy.

This is as close to normal as they've ever been and when I got off the phone I

had to remind myself- the best case scenario is they'll leave me alone for a few

months until they start trying to arrange my marriage again and control my

(future) kids.

Random point: In Hindi, my (actual) name means obedient. That's what they named

me at birth. The name I'm changing it to means play, joyful, so I'm actually

very excited about that change!

I think the thing I feel the most guilty about is creating such an elaborate

detailed lie to keep them away. I really hate lying but my T has said the reason

I hate lying to nada and fada is because they have demanded knowing absolutely

everything all the time. It's not really from a place of morality as it is from

a place of conditioned behavior. Phew! It helped writing all that out. I've been

preparing myself so much for the worst that I haven't prepared myself for them

actually improving their behavior...

> > > >

> > > > For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you

think it was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of

you who didn't, do you wish you had?

> > > >

> > > > As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC

and couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of

course). At first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut

out BPD friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any

contact no matter how hurtful it may be to them.

> > > >

> > > > I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason

for sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't

worry about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional

and first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

> > > >

> > > > I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm

still curious about everyone's experiences!

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

nope, no letter, no nothing at all...I just stopped calling and writting..

Jackie

For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think

it was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you

who didn't, do you wish you had?

As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of

course). At first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to

cut out BPD friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want

any contact no matter how hurtful it may be to them.

I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't

worry about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely

delusional and first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried

about me, and second, of course she's going to try to find me.

I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

[Guest guest]

I went LC when it was towards the end of my mother's terminal illness. I think

if you send a letter you might be setting yourself for a couple of things. One

is, would she retaliate in some way? Like, reply to the letter or try to contact

you and verbally attack you. Two, she might turn it all around into her being

the victim....my mother would have shown the letter to everyone in the family

and had everyone take her side to prove what a horrible daughter I am.

So I think it's up to you, but maybe consider also how she's going to react to

it and whether just doing it and saying nothing would be better.

Just some thoughts.

Re: Final letter when going NC?

nope, no letter, no nothing at all...I just stopped calling and writting..

Jackie

For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think

it was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you

who didn't, do you wish you had?

As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of

course). At first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to

cut out BPD friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want

any contact no matter how hurtful it may be to them.

I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't

worry about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely

delusional and first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried

about me, and second, of course she's going to try to find me.

I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

The first time I went NC, I did not write a letter or anything like that. I have

tried communicating with my nada in that way before, and it always had bad

results. I think because nada's HAVE to have the last word. A letter to them

does not allow this.

If you do decide to write...do so with these things in mind.

Do not be surprised at a retaliation. She might send you a letter back or write

you an email just filled with venom. A defense mechanism I've seen my nada use a

lot is that SHE needs to " abandon " YOU first. Not the other way around.

Also, if she has other members of the family on her side, dont be alarmed if you

hear from any of them. I experienced a LOT of that the first time I went NC.

Make sure if you do this, that is for yourself, not for your nada. Don't worry

about her worrying about you.

If you can handle the retaliation without any problem, and aren't afraid of it

(like i have been) then go for it.

I was NC with my nada for over 2 years. Then I went to LC, and a little over a

week ago, I've had to go NC again. She's just too damaging to me.

Good luck, keep us posted!

~Sara jo

>

> For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think it

was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

>

> As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

>

> I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

>

> I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I didn't sent a letter - just stopped calling and stopped responding to email.

I considered writing, and thought about two possible aims for writing such a

letter: first, to ask nada to stop contacting me, second, to help me with my own

healing.

I thought that the first was unlikely to be successful. My nada would not have

understood a letter asking her not to contact me - or, if she understood, to

respect my boundaries. It would just have provoked more hate mail from her,

raging about some aspect of the contents of the letter or about some other topic

- real or imaginary. My nada likes to have an enemy at all times and any

letter from me would have swung her lazer beam back to focusing on me as the

enemy, rather than whatever is her current focus.

On the second objective, I didn't think it would help me mentally. I felt that

writing, even for a last time, would have been continuing to engage with her.

It would have made me feel angry when what I am trying to feel about nada is

nothing. My aim in going NC was to give up trying to reason with nada, to

remove nada from my life and also from my thoughts - and I wanted to start

straight away.

I may have been wrong about the second one. I haven't got closure and continue

to suffer thoughts about nada a year on (although I have made progress.) I'm

not sure if I would be any further forward if I had written. I would be

interested to hear your experiences whichever you decide to do.

Kate

>

> For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think it

was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

>

> As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

>

> I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

>

> I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I sent a letter because I knew without it there was no way my fada would stop

contacting me. The initial results were upsetting - he just showed up in my

town called as if nothing had happened and expected me to meet him for lunch. I

said did you *get* my letter. He said he had but basically wanted to forget

about it. Like I had been a child having a tantrum. I told him I meant every

word and ended the call and that did work for many many years.

No offense to anyone who has chosen a different path but I think you have to

send a letter if you plan to drop off the planet as far as a parent is

concerned. Otherwise they'll feel compelled to involve the police or third

parties, why wouldn't they? It would be incomprehensible to them that you'd

just want them out of your life for " no reason " .

I think it's best to keep it short, to the point, it's an announcement not the

start of a discussion or way to get your last words in to them. It's also

evidence in case you ever need to file a restraining order and prove that you

once upon a time made you wishes clear to them.

>

> For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think it

was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

>

> As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

>

> I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

>

> I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My thoughts: No matter what is in that letter, nada will most likely see it as

a wide-open invitation to connect with you at any cost. Or, more appropriately,

nada will see it as a red flag in a bullfighting arena.

Any reasons you list out for going NC will only serve as something she has to

argue or clarify WITH you. One of those " yeah, but, lets talk so I can prove

you wrong and then you will still do what I want. "

I think the dream is this: nada will read it, respect your need for distance,

recognize her part in it, and give you enough space to get healthy. Which would

work great . . . if only she wasn't BP. In fact, the " she would worry about me

and wonder if I was okay " may even be a stretch for her. If she is BP, her

perspective will most likely be: " how dare she abandon me I have to go hunt her

down. "

I totally get the desire to send the letter. I just wish there was a way you

could get that kind of peaceful closure. It's just expecting too much of them,

I think.

Part of what hurt when I went NC was just leaving so many loose ends loose.

There isn't any mutual closure when you're dealing with this disease: you just

have to recognize their limitations adn move on with you own healing path.

Sucks, though.

Good for you for showing enough courage to do what is best for you. Above

anything, celebrate your newfound personal power!!

Blessings,

Karla

>

> For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think it

was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

>

> As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

>

> I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

>

> I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah one of my Nada's emails accused me of throwing a tantrum, but that was

because of contact that happened well before the letter. I think it's also

important to clarify taht when I say letter, I really do mean announcement

(thank you for phrasing it that way, it makes MUCH more sense!).

I think sending a letter *might* (this is just a guess) also depend on where you

are in your life. For example, I was a student and heavily (though not entirely)

reliant on my Nada's ability to pay the tiny bit of tuition/fees leftover after

grants/loans/scholarships. In her mind, she still had the right to demand

visits, especially when the dorms closed for shorter holidays. I didn't really

have the separation of having a permanent home away from Nada, and the

parent-child dynamic was still a part of our interactions (even though I ended

up fulfilling most of the damn parent rolls).

If I had been older or already securely set up, I probably wouldn't have felt

the need to send a letter. So definitely keep in mind where you stand and how

that might influence your choices for better or for worse.

-Frances

> >

> > For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think

it was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

> >

> > As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

> >

> > I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

> >

> > I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think those of you who do send the letters are very brave. My mother would

have used all knds of things against me had I done it...victimizing herself,

lying about it, using other family members to side with her and on and on.

Re: Final letter when going NC?

Yeah one of my Nada's emails accused me of throwing a tantrum, but that was

because of contact that happened well before the letter. I think it's also

important to clarify taht when I say letter, I really do mean announcement

(thank you for phrasing it that way, it makes MUCH more sense!).

I think sending a letter *might* (this is just a guess) also depend on where you

are in your life. For example, I was a student and heavily (though not entirely)

reliant on my Nada's ability to pay the tiny bit of tuition/fees leftover after

grants/loans/scholarships. In her mind, she still had the right to demand

visits, especially when the dorms closed for shorter holidays. I didn't really

have the separation of having a permanent home away from Nada, and the

parent-child dynamic was still a part of our interactions (even though I ended

up fulfilling most of the damn parent rolls).

If I had been older or already securely set up, I probably wouldn't have felt

the need to send a letter. So definitely keep in mind where you stand and how

that might influence your choices for better or for worse.

-Frances

> >

> > For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think

it was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

> >

> > As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

> >

> > I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

> >

> > I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thats just what my nada would have done too...

Jackie

I think those of you who do send the letters are very brave. My mother would

have used all knds of things against me had I done it...victimizing herself,

lying about it, using other family members to side with her and on and on.

[Guest guest]

See... i don't think I had a lot of the " strings attached " ... my Nada isolated

herself from ALL of her family... I was the last to leave her. She got back in

touch with her mother and father, but her father is mentaly ill, and her mother

has seen how " crazy " she is, so she contacted me and we've been cultivating our

relationship in order to cope with the effect nada has had on this. I didn't

have a family when I went NC to worry about... I got back in touch with family

afterwards and got lucky.

I don't know if I'd have had the courage to go NC or write a letter if I had to

worry about using other people. I guess the point of all of these posts is that

everyone is different, so it's really important to do a self-checkin and review

your situation and options =)

-Frances

>

> thats just what my nada would have done too...

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

> I think those of you who do send the letters are very brave. My mother would

> have used all knds of things against me had I done it...victimizing herself,

> lying about it, using other family members to side with her and on and on.

>

>