Re: Crying over my lost childhood

[Guest guest]

Hi , I can relate to how you're feeling as I have spent many days crying

over a lost childhood too. And I've asked myself many of the same questions you

wrote. Why couldn't my mother have just looked within herself and thought enough

of my sister and I to get some freaking help? I guess that is the crux of BPD,

though, their refusal to get help.

It does get better, I think.

Maybe you could write out all of your feelings in a journal. This has helped me

a lot.

Hope you feel better and know you're not alone.

Crying over my lost childhood

Hi All,

I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not a

care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

allowed to thrive and grow.

Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only my

nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

fly!

After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I am

embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

Why why why could she not have been my mum?

Why did she put us kids through hell?

Why is she like a child?

Why does she sleep around?

Why does she love drama?

I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

fun, I so want to let go.......

[Guest guest]

Thanks .

It cuts like a knife doesnt it?  I am sorry that you too also have to go

through

the same as me, but I am glad that I am not alone, and that I have support from

the likes of yourself.

I hope that in time I will come to learn to really accept that my mom will never

be the mom that I want her to be, I know this sounds horrible and god forgive me

for saying this, it would be so much easier if she had passed away, at least

then I could really deal and grieve with the loss, but knowing that she is half

hours drive away from me and there is so hard.

Thanks again for your kind words of advice, I am glad that I am not alone.

Hugs x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, July 18, 2010 6:13:09 PM

Subject: Re: Crying over my lost childhood

 

Hi , I can relate to how you're feeling as I have spent many days crying

over a lost childhood too. And I've asked myself many of the same questions you

wrote. Why couldn't my mother have just looked within herself and thought enough

of my sister and I to get some freaking help? I guess that is the crux of BPD,

though, their refusal to get help.

It does get better, I think.

Maybe you could write out all of your feelings in a journal. This has helped me

a lot.

Hope you feel better and know you're not alone.

Crying over my lost childhood

Hi All,

I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not a

care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

allowed to thrive and grow.

Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only my

nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

fly!

After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I am

embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

Why why why could she not have been my mum?

Why did she put us kids through hell?

Why is she like a child?

Why does she sleep around?

Why does she love drama?

I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

fun, I so want to let go.......

[Guest guest]

, I have thought that many times too...if my mother had followed through

and killed herself like she had threatened, I would have maybe had a chance at a

normal life. I don't know if that's a stretch or not. But since BPD's never

emotionally develop (normally anyway), I think we're always struggling to fill

in the missing pieces that you're mother is supposed to fill for you. I have

this void in my life that I have always felt only a mother can fill.

Unfortunately, I have to find some other way, whether it be through my faith in

God or through acceptance that I will never have that void filled in the way

that I want. I guess that's part of what this group and therapy is all about --

learning to fill that void.

Crying over my lost childhood

Hi All,

I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not a

care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

allowed to thrive and grow.

Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only my

nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

fly!

After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I am

embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

Why why why could she not have been my mum?

Why did she put us kids through hell?

Why is she like a child?

Why does she sleep around?

Why does she love drama?

I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

fun, I so want to let go.......

[Guest guest]

Awww , I could not have said that better myself, I feel the exact same way,

my nada put me through hell as a child, I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of

her father due to my nada, I have always felt that something inside me is

missing, like a void that you just mentioned, I totally understand what you

mean.

I never ever felt like a daughter, I always felt like either my moms private

counsellor, or her friend, then her mother, everything other than what I was

supposed to feel.

I dont know about you but my mom is very histrionic, she would graphically tell

me intimate details about my own step father private parts, urghhhh, like I

hadnt gone through enough already, she would tell me about her affairs that she

was having with other men, and be so happy that she was having them, she would

send me to the local bar when I was a kid to fetch my drunken step father, wow,

the things that come back to me like it was yesterday.

Sadly I got a few of her BPD fleasm eeek, but I am working on those, better make

sure I get extra strong flea powder hehe!!

Are you NC from your nada?  I have been NC from my nada for over a year now, I

am getting married in two weeks, and I called nada just the other week to test

the water so to speak, and well things just seem to have gone from bad to

worse.  Wait for it..............she has now left my step father, and is living

with another man, whom she says is her " soulmate " , and whom she will

marry................hmm seems to me like a little bit of mirroring going on

there.

The whole conversation revolved around her, and how she has finally found peace

and happiness etc, I asked her if she had found peace and happiness through

therapy etc, you know what she said????? " Oh , the past is in the past, I

dont need therapy, therapists do not understand, I have a new man now, and a new

life " , yeah mom for the time being until he does not conform to your high

impossible standards lol!!

So my nada has not changed and she never will, I am still NC and im afraid and

sad to say that it is going to remain that way atleast for the foreseable

furture anyway.

Wow , sorry I got carried away there, your probably falling asleep reading

this reply, I just find once I start typing I cannot stop hehe, my apologies.

Hope to hear back from you, its good we can connect and talk about our nadas,

while in my nadas case, she is staring in a new novel of mills and boon

lol......

xx

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, July 18, 2010 7:47:25 PM

Subject: Re: Crying over my lost childhood

 

, I have thought that many times too...if my mother had followed through

and killed herself like she had threatened, I would have maybe had a chance at a

normal life. I don't know if that's a stretch or not. But since BPD's never

emotionally develop (normally anyway), I think we're always struggling to fill

in the missing pieces that you're mother is supposed to fill for you. I have

this void in my life that I have always felt only a mother can fill.

Unfortunately, I have to find some other way, whether it be through my faith in

God or through acceptance that I will never have that void filled in the way

that I want. I guess that's part of what this group and therapy is all about --

learning to fill that void.

Crying over my lost childhood

Hi All,

I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not a

care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

allowed to thrive and grow.

Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only my

nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

fly!

After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I am

embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

Why why why could she not have been my mum?

Why did she put us kids through hell?

Why is she like a child?

Why does she sleep around?

Why does she love drama?

I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

fun, I so want to let go.......

[Guest guest]

,

I can totally relate to everything you said. I was sexually abused by my

mother's uncle, who she brought into our house to babysit me after she and my

dad separated. And my mother would tell me details about her sex life, she told

me my father was impotent (I didn't even know what it meant) and about my father

having affairs on her and on and on. Things a child didn't need to know.

Mostly, my whole life was all about making her happy...after all she was the

MOTHER.

And yes, I was always the one emotionally taking care of her. She was deathly

afraid of lightening and we lived in Florida, where it storms daily in the

summer. She went into dramatics threatening suicide while I was trying to

comfort her. Ri.dic.u.lous. This went on throughout my life in a variety of

circumstances where she was concerned.

Anyway, I did go LC, but never NC. She died in 2007 of emphysema at age 62.

Funny what your mom said about therapy because my mom said similar things. For a

very short time when I was around 11 she went to a psychologist. She could not

have gone more than a handful of times but she claims she was cured. Then she

would make sure to let all of us know we were the crazy ones. She had serious

crazy-making behaviors and she really, really had a way of making everyone else

feel like they were the ones with the problem and she was the normal one.

I have BPD fleas too. I'm sure we all do to some degree. I guess that's why I

keep paying so much for therapy, though, lol.

Crying over my lost childhood

Hi All,

I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not a

care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

allowed to thrive and grow.

Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only my

nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

fly!

After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I am

embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

Why why why could she not have been my mum?

Why did she put us kids through hell?

Why is she like a child?

Why does she sleep around?

Why does she love drama?

I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

fun, I so want to let go.......

[Guest guest]

,

I am so sorry to hear what you went through as a child, hugs to you, and i

appreciate you sharing that with me.  Wow our moms sound like they could be

sisters, its amazing the likeness nadas have isnt it?

Are you in therapy at all? I am, and it is unreal how much of my childhood i

seemed to have blocked out.  All i seem to remember is the negative, which got

even worse as i grew up.

And i dont know about you, but she practically destroyed every personal

relationship that i have had..........luckily thank god i went NC before she

could try it with my hubby to be!!

Did you feel that your mom tried her level best to live through you?

x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, July 18, 2010 9:44:56 PM

Subject: Re: Crying over my lost childhood

 

,

I can totally relate to everything you said. I was sexually abused by my

mother's uncle, who she brought into our house to babysit me after she and my

dad separated. And my mother would tell me details about her sex life, she told

me my father was impotent (I didn't even know what it meant) and about my father

having affairs on her and on and on. Things a child didn't need to know. Mostly,

my whole life was all about making her happy...after all she was the MOTHER.

And yes, I was always the one emotionally taking care of her. She was deathly

afraid of lightening and we lived in Florida, where it storms daily in the

summer. She went into dramatics threatening suicide while I was trying to

comfort her. Ri.dic.u.lous. This went on throughout my life in a variety of

circumstances where she was concerned.

Anyway, I did go LC, but never NC. She died in 2007 of emphysema at age 62.

Funny what your mom said about therapy because my mom said similar things. For a

very short time when I was around 11 she went to a psychologist. She could not

have gone more than a handful of times but she claims she was cured. Then she

would make sure to let all of us know we were the crazy ones. She had serious

crazy-making behaviors and she really, really had a way of making everyone else

feel like they were the ones with the problem and she was the normal one.

I have BPD fleas too. I'm sure we all do to some degree. I guess that's why I

keep paying so much for therapy, though, lol.

Crying over my lost childhood

Hi All,

I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not a

care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

allowed to thrive and grow.

Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only my

nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

fly!

After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I am

embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

Why why why could she not have been my mum?

Why did she put us kids through hell?

Why is she like a child?

Why does she sleep around?

Why does she love drama?

I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

fun, I so want to let go.......

[Guest guest]

,

I know exactly how you feel. I don't have any kids, but after I went NC for the

first time a couple years ago, one day my husband and I (we were only engaged

then) spent the afternoon at his parents house for dinner. His 4 year old nephew

was there, and since he's the only grand kid in the family, he gets a lot of

attention (which I think is a good thing!).

He and his grandpa and his dad were romping around on the floor, playing,

laughing, just having fun.

I was just sitting there watching them. And it was like a light came on.

When I was a kid, none of that stuff happened. My nada said children were to be

SEEN and NOT HEARD. When we had family gatherings, I was supposed to shut up and

be quiet unless I was spoken to or asked to do something. There was no playing

with the adults, and even if the kids played together, we had to do so quietly.

Laughter, pure and simple was considered an interruption to my nada, and really,

the whole family.

I still think of that day when i saw my now nephew just playing with his dad and

granddad and how much fun he was having, how he was enjoying life, the way life

is supposed to be.

I wish that I had that. I think i did have that on my dad's side of the family,

but after the divorce (and probably before) my nada took care of that really

quick, even though she said she tried to make sure they were in my life. But

they weren't.I don't think it was all their fault.

I think maybe you can make up for your lost childhood by making sure your son

has an awesome one. It looks like you are already doing a great job at that. And

hey, even though we missed out on some stuff growing up, I still prefer being a

grown up.

This may sound weird, but sometimes when I do certain things, I think to myself

" Man, it's so much better being a grown up than to be a kid!!! " My nada was so

strict in raising me....and i had no privacy. When i do something that I know

nada wouldn't approve of, I think of that all the time. And none of it is truly

bad stuff. Things like closing the bedroom door when I want to be alone, or

laying down on the couch, or wearing my favorite pair of pants even though nada

didn't like them. Simple stuff.

I hope that today has helped you heal in some way. I know the tears are not

always what we want....I wish I could cry about some of this stuff...but I can't

find the tears anymore.

~Sara Jo

>

> Hi All,

>  

> I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood.  They just

> came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not

a

> care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

> allowed to thrive and grow.

>  

> Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only

my

> nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

> does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

> herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

> fly!

>  

> After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I

am

> embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

> me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

>  

> Why why why could she not have been my mum?

> Why did she put us kids through hell?

> Why is she like a child?

> Why does she sleep around?

> Why does she love drama?

>  

> I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

> to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

>  

> I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

> fun, I so want to let go.......

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, my gosh yes. It's terrifying for me to think about, but in my mother's eyes,

I think I was just an extension of her! It was crazy weird. She had this weird

view of loyalty towards her, so if I had a friend or a boyfriend, she did her

best to ruin it. She would either go off and try to have her own relationship

with the person who was MY friend or boyfriend, or she would just sabatoge it by

not allowing me to see the person, etc. And believe it or not, I let her do this

to me well into adulthood. If I knew what I knew now, there is no way it would

have happened! I was engaged to this man who was a homicide detective. My

mother would page him (this was in the early 90s before people had cell phones)

and she would talk bad about me to him. He ended up breaking up with me, which

tore my heart out, but his exact words to me were that my mother scared him to

death.

Thankfully my husband now loved me enough to not let my mother do that, but she

did her fair share of trying to sabatoge my relationship with him too.

And yes, I've been in therapy for about 2 years. In some ways therapy has helped

and in other ways, it has really hurt me because it has brought up so much I had

blocked out.

Hugs to you too, . And feel free to email me personally if you ever want

to chat! It certainly sounds like our nadas might be twins.

Crying over my lost childhood

Hi All,

I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not a

care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

allowed to thrive and grow.

Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only my

nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

fly!

After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I am

embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

Why why why could she not have been my mum?

Why did she put us kids through hell?

Why is she like a child?

Why does she sleep around?

Why does she love drama?

I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

fun, I so want to let go.......

[Guest guest]

, my nada was the same way. If there was a friend or boyfriend with whom I

was close to in my life, she all of a sudden hated them, and tried to make me

feel guilty when I spent time with them.

She even accused my husband of BRAINWASHING me (this was before we were

married).

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, eh?

~Sara Jo

>

>

> Oh, my gosh yes. It's terrifying for me to think about, but in my mother's

eyes, I think I was just an extension of her! It was crazy weird. She had this

weird view of loyalty towards her, so if I had a friend or a boyfriend, she did

her best to ruin it. She would either go off and try to have her own

relationship with the person who was MY friend or boyfriend, or she would just

sabatoge it by not allowing me to see the person, etc. And believe it or not, I

let her do this to me well into adulthood. If I knew what I knew now, there is

no way it would have happened! I was engaged to this man who was a homicide

detective. My mother would page him (this was in the early 90s before people had

cell phones) and she would talk bad about me to him. He ended up breaking up

with me, which tore my heart out, but his exact words to me were that my mother

scared him to death.

>

> Thankfully my husband now loved me enough to not let my mother do that, but

she did her fair share of trying to sabatoge my relationship with him too.

>

> And yes, I've been in therapy for about 2 years. In some ways therapy has

helped and in other ways, it has really hurt me because it has brought up so

much I had blocked out.

>

> Hugs to you too, . And feel free to email me personally if you ever want

to chat! It certainly sounds like our nadas might be twins.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Crying over my lost childhood

>

> Hi All,

>

> I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

> came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not

a

>

> care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

> allowed to thrive and grow.

>

> Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only

my

>

> nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

> does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

> herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

> fly!

>

> After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I

am

>

> embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

> me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

>

> Why why why could she not have been my mum?

> Why did she put us kids through hell?

> Why is she like a child?

> Why does she sleep around?

> Why does she love drama?

>

> I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

> to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

>

> I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

> fun, I so want to let go.......

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG Sara my nada has also accused my husband to be of brainwashing me too. 

Thankyou for the lovely message, I will reply in detail tomorrow as it is very

late here in th UK.

- Thanks  for your message also.  I think if you add me to your contacts

we can have person to person chat in real time on here........that would be

good!!!!

night godbless

claire xxx

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, July 18, 2010 11:21:35 PM

Subject: Re: Crying over my lost childhood

 

, my nada was the same way. If there was a friend or boyfriend with whom I

was close to in my life, she all of a sudden hated them, and tried to make me

feel guilty when I spent time with them.

She even accused my husband of BRAINWASHING me (this was before we were

married).

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, eh?

~Sara Jo

>

>

> Oh, my gosh yes. It's terrifying for me to think about, but in my mother's

>eyes, I think I was just an extension of her! It was crazy weird. She had this

>weird view of loyalty towards her, so if I had a friend or a boyfriend, she did

>her best to ruin it. She would either go off and try to have her own

>relationship with the person who was MY friend or boyfriend, or she would just

>sabatoge it by not allowing me to see the person, etc. And believe it or not, I

>let her do this to me well into adulthood. If I knew what I knew now, there is

>no way it would have happened! I was engaged to this man who was a homicide

>detective. My mother would page him (this was in the early 90s before people

had

>cell phones) and she would talk bad about me to him. He ended up breaking up

>with me, which tore my heart out, but his exact words to me were that my mother

>scared him to death.

>

> Thankfully my husband now loved me enough to not let my mother do that, but

she

>did her fair share of trying to sabatoge my relationship with him too.

>

> And yes, I've been in therapy for about 2 years. In some ways therapy has

>helped and in other ways, it has really hurt me because it has brought up so

>much I had blocked out.

>

> Hugs to you too, . And feel free to email me personally if you ever want

>to chat! It certainly sounds like our nadas might be twins.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Crying over my lost childhood

>

> Hi All,

>

> I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

> came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not

>a

>

>

> care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

> allowed to thrive and grow.

>

> Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only

>my

>

>

> nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

> does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

> herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

> fly!

>

> After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I

>am

>

>

> embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

> me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

>

> Why why why could she not have been my mum?

> Why did she put us kids through hell?

> Why is she like a child?

> Why does she sleep around?

> Why does she love drama?

>

> I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

> to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

>

> I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

> fun, I so want to let go.......

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I added you to my yahoo messenger.

Crying over my lost childhood

>

> Hi All,

>

> I have been very sad today, shedding tears for my lost childhood. They just

> came over me when I was watching my beautiful 6 year old son playing, with not

>a

>

>

> care in the world, so happy, so pure, and thriving, the way children should be

> allowed to thrive and grow.

>

> Whilst watching him I felt this sudden sadness come over me, thinking if only

>my

>

>

> nada could have just looked at herself, realised the way her behaviour was and

> does affect both my sister and I, and maybe just maybe she could have got

> herself into therapy of some kind....................yeah and pigs just might

> fly!

>

> After the sadness comes the anger, or sometimes it is the other way around, I

>am

>

>

> embarrassed to be associated with her, but at the same time there is a part of

> me that still yearns for that mothers love, which sadly she is unable to give.

>

> Why why why could she not have been my mum?

> Why did she put us kids through hell?

> Why is she like a child?

> Why does she sleep around?

> Why does she love drama?

>

> I could go on and on, I know the answers to all the above, but I want to start

> to be able to just " let go of the hope she will change "

>

> I want to let go of my pain, hurt, anger and I want to be me and live and have

> fun, I so want to let go.......

>

>