Re: my mother is drivinig me crazy today. I don't even have a name for it.

[Guest guest]

I would say that flip-flopping, twisting and distorting what you say sounds

very much like BPD.

My mom is also normal at times with normal responses and other times has

just plain inexplicable behavior/speech. I think it is the unpredictability

that drives me crazy and has me constantly on edge when I am with her.

A lot of my mom's behavior is quite subtle and only folks who are around her

a lot pick up on it and even then many are still fooled into thinking she is

a sweet wonderful woman even after a long period of knowing her.

I don't know if this is what you mean by flip flopping, but when we recently

visited my mom she said she was tired and maybe our kids could go play at

their cousins for a while. This was a relief to me as it was an invitation

to leave rather than me telling her we would be out for a while which I was

already planning on doing since kids are obviously too much for her in long

doses. However, I had the feeling that she would not end up liking being all

alone. And sure enough when we got back, she answered the door looking

slightly worried saying " Where did everybody go? " I simply said, " We went to

[cousins] house to play, remember. " She said " But where is [your husband]? "

(He had stayed to rest and work while she was napping.) I said, " Maybe he is

outside. " (which he was). She said something like " Well, I woke up and

everybody was gone. "

This was not a result of her not being able to remember we were at the

cousins. She simply wanted us all to be there when she wanted us to be there

(and to not be there) rather than when we decided to come back.

I don't know....it's hard to describe, but I feel like I experience lots of

little things with my mom where she says one thing, but either does the

opposite or ends up mad that you did what she said she wanted.

MY

On Sat, Jul 17, 2010 at 6:21 PM, josephinebl67 wrote:

>

>

> I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

> histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is

> bizarre. Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should

> be. The angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an

> angry fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

>

> Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting them

> away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

> in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily

> and know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed

> out some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of

> them, 'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says

> things like this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what

> kind of behavior this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete

> flip flop and distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad

> as possible about myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her

> out. I am ONLY doing this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because

> it was one of the things she said was driving her crazy, the kid's

> ridiculous amount of toys being all over the house. So far I have siphoned

> off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they are being stored on the porch.

>

> Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

> She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues.

> She flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day

> long. She pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good.

> I am really having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if

> they hardly ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to

> imagine what a normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing

> that, I really appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal

> responses. Of course, that's what makes it hard, if she was completely

> psychotic all the time I would have walked away years ago. It's just

> attempting to revisit the 'good' mother, and get her to come out. I used to

> think she was multiple personality.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. I think one of the best ways to describe BPD behavior is that it's

sometimes very subtle to the point that you wonder if YOU'RE the one who has

something wrong with you. That's what makes it so hard.

>

> >

> >

> > I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

> > histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is

> > bizarre. Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should

> > be. The angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an

> > angry fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

> >

> > Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting them

> > away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

> > in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily

> > and know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed

> > out some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of

> > them, 'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says

> > things like this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what

> > kind of behavior this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete

> > flip flop and distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad

> > as possible about myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her

> > out. I am ONLY doing this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because

> > it was one of the things she said was driving her crazy, the kid's

> > ridiculous amount of toys being all over the house. So far I have siphoned

> > off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they are being stored on the porch.

> >

> > Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

> > She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues.

> > She flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day

> > long. She pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good.

> > I am really having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if

> > they hardly ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to

> > imagine what a normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing

> > that, I really appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal

> > responses. Of course, that's what makes it hard, if she was completely

> > psychotic all the time I would have walked away years ago. It's just

> > attempting to revisit the 'good' mother, and get her to come out. I used to

> > think she was multiple personality.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

wow, I can really relate to that, it sounds just like something she would do.

Pretending you are doing something TO her when in reality you are doing

something FOR her. Many times that was HER idea. It is designed to be

crazy-making and exasperating. I don't know if it's a power trip to keep people

jumping through hoops or that repressed trauma that always is on hand as an

impetus to say to people 'you hurt me, you hurt me, you hurt me.' Mine is very

calculating as to whom she shows this stuff to, so I can relate about most

people thinking she is just the sweetest thing and good as gold. For instance

since she has been having so much trouble with SIL we have been encouraging her

to assert her boundaries. She steadfastly refuses. This situating is literally

killing my dad, who has a heart condition and is living on borrowed time. Since

we are not willing to listen to her complain anymore because she won't assert

herself and say the word 'no', she is angry at us, or at least at me, and is

going out of her way with these hurtful comments and invalidating behavior. She

just wants to sit there and whine and be pitiful while SIL destroys her house

and her marriage and my dad's health. Tonight it almost seemed to me she was

being nicer to SIL than anyone else.

She's completely hopeless. I don't know if she's a nada but I get tempted to

refer to her as my martyr instead of my mother.

>

> >

> >

> > I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

> > histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is

> > bizarre. Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should

> > be. The angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an

> > angry fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

> >

> > Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting them

> > away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

> > in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily

> > and know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed

> > out some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of

> > them, 'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says

> > things like this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what

> > kind of behavior this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete

> > flip flop and distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad

> > as possible about myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her

> > out. I am ONLY doing this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because

> > it was one of the things she said was driving her crazy, the kid's

> > ridiculous amount of toys being all over the house. So far I have siphoned

> > off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they are being stored on the porch.

> >

> > Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

> > She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues.

> > She flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day

> > long. She pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good.

> > I am really having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if

> > they hardly ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to

> > imagine what a normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing

> > that, I really appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal

> > responses. Of course, that's what makes it hard, if she was completely

> > psychotic all the time I would have walked away years ago. It's just

> > attempting to revisit the 'good' mother, and get her to come out. I used to

> > think she was multiple personality.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I thought my mom had " only " BPD too, but her doctor (family, not psych) said

that he thought Multiple Personality because she's not aware that she

switches.  It's  like this minute she doesn't know what she said or did last

minute.  I had been under the impression that MPD personalities didn't change

often, but he said he'd seen them switch several times in the space of a

sentence (my Mom does this).  He said that awareness was a key.  BPD folks

change to manipulate and protect their realm of illusions, and they're aware

that they do it, although they blame someone else for 'forcing them into that

position'.  MPD doesn't know that there's been any change, so they assume that

someone else must have made things up.  He also feels that he's seen BPD

characterisitics in several of my mom's alter personalities...so, apparently it

can be both.  -Leslye

>

>

> I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

> histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is

> bizarre. Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should

> be. The angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an

> angry fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

>

> Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting them

> away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

> in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily

> and know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed

> out some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of

> them, 'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says

> things like this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what

> kind of behavior this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete

> flip flop and distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad

> as possible about myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her

> out. I am ONLY doing this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because

> it was one of the things she said was driving her crazy, the kid's

> ridiculous amount of toys being all over the house. So far I have siphoned

> off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they are being stored on the porch.

>

> Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

> She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues.

> She flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day

> long. She pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good.

> I am really having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if

> they hardly ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to

> imagine what a normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing

> that, I really appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal

> responses. Of course, that's what makes it hard, if she was completely

> psychotic all the time I would have walked away years ago. It's just

> attempting to revisit the 'good' mother, and get her to come out. I used to

> think she was multiple personality.

>

> 

>

[Guest guest]

phine,

Right!! when I read your original post, I thought, " that sounds like my mother,

too " but couldn't put my finger on the word either.

You nailed it: MARTYR!!!!

My mother's like that, too. Even if I'm doing something nice for her, she'll say

something like " it's so good to have someone help a lonely person like me " OR " I

know your husband and family need you more than I do. "

It's maddening.

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

> > > histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is

> > > bizarre. Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they

should

> > > be. The angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in

an

> > > angry fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

> > >

> > > Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting

them

> > > away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

> > > in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily

> > > and know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I

pointed

> > > out some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one

of

> > > them, 'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says

> > > things like this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what

> > > kind of behavior this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete

> > > flip flop and distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as

bad

> > > as possible about myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her

> > > out. I am ONLY doing this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because

> > > it was one of the things she said was driving her crazy, the kid's

> > > ridiculous amount of toys being all over the house. So far I have siphoned

> > > off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they are being stored on the porch.

> > >

> > > Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

> > > She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues.

> > > She flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day

> > > long. She pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and

good.

> > > I am really having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline

if

> > > they hardly ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to

> > > imagine what a normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing

> > > that, I really appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal

> > > responses. Of course, that's what makes it hard, if she was completely

> > > psychotic all the time I would have walked away years ago. It's just

> > > attempting to revisit the 'good' mother, and get her to come out. I used

to

> > > think she was multiple personality.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Read chapter 3 in " Walking On Eggshells " . You will see a list that includes this

behavior.

>

> I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the histrionic

behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is bizarre. Her

reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should be. The angrier

she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an angry fashion, she

does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

>

> Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting them

away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake in

her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily and know

which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed out some

today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of them, 'well,

I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says things like this to

me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what kind of behavior this is.

It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete flip flop and distortion of

reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad as possible about myself and my

motives, even when I am trying to help her out. I am ONLY doing this for her

benefit. I ONLY started doing it because it was one of the things she said was

driving her crazy, the kid's ridiculous amount of toys being all over the house.

So far I have siphoned off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they are being stored

on the porch.

>

> Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day. She

did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues. She

flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day long. She

pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good. I am really

having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if they hardly

ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to imagine what a

normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing that, I really

appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal responses. Of course,

that's what makes it hard, if she was completely psychotic all the time I would

have walked away years ago. It's just attempting to revisit the 'good' mother,

and get her to come out. I used to think she was multiple personality.

>

[Guest guest]

thanks Wendi, I am hoping to be able to start buying the books soon, I know that

I need to read them and I will be able to identify more of what she is doing.

Lately it's been so bad that even tiptoe-ing around doesn't help. Their

situation is really straining them but she isn't willing to do anything but

enable the abuse, she can't assert herself because, in my opinion, it puts her

in the position of remembering her childhood trauma. So she won't go there, but

she has to but everyone else around her to blame for her spinelessness, like her

accusation the other day that I was causing her 'worry and stress'.

> >

> > I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the histrionic

behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is bizarre. Her

reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should be. The angrier

she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an angry fashion, she

does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

> >

> > Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting them

away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake in

her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily and know

which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed out some

today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of them, 'well,

I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says things like this to

me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what kind of behavior this is.

It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete flip flop and distortion of

reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad as possible about myself and my

motives, even when I am trying to help her out. I am ONLY doing this for her

benefit. I ONLY started doing it because it was one of the things she said was

driving her crazy, the kid's ridiculous amount of toys being all over the house.

So far I have siphoned off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they are being stored

on the porch.

> >

> > Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues. She

flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day long. She

pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good. I am really

having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if they hardly

ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to imagine what a

normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing that, I really

appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal responses. Of course,

that's what makes it hard, if she was completely psychotic all the time I would

have walked away years ago. It's just attempting to revisit the 'good' mother,

and get her to come out. I used to think she was multiple personality.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jo,

I found some of the ones I bought on Amazon.com used for like 6 bucks. Eggshells

is a really good starting point. It helped me so much to understand some of the

why's of the behavior. Try not to let her statements make you feel you need to

change or do something different. You just keep doing your best at the things

you feel you need to do for you first. Then you get to decide what is your

responsibility. you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't fix it.

someone else said that in an earlier post, or something like it. The harder

you try, the more frustrated you will feel. When she complains about something

like the toys, get her to tell you exactly what she wants you do to help. Don't

guess, don't assume. Don't feel like every problem she whines about she expects

you to fix. always make people tell what they want from you, then you decide if

it's something you want to do. Sometimes people just need to voice everything

that comes to mind, it doesn't mean you have to do anything about it.

> > >

> > > I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is bizarre.

Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should be. The

angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an angry

fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

> > >

> > > Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting

them away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily and

know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed out

some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of them,

'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says things like

this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what kind of behavior

this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete flip flop and

distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad as possible about

myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her out. I am ONLY doing

this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because it was one of the things

she said was driving her crazy, the kid's ridiculous amount of toys being all

over the house. So far I have siphoned off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they

are being stored on the porch.

> > >

> > > Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues. She

flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day long. She

pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good. I am really

having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if they hardly

ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to imagine what a

normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing that, I really

appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal responses. Of course,

that's what makes it hard, if she was completely psychotic all the time I would

have walked away years ago. It's just attempting to revisit the 'good' mother,

and get her to come out. I used to think she was multiple personality.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jo,

I found some of the ones I bought on Amazon.com used for like 6 bucks. Eggshells

is a really good starting point. It helped me so much to understand some of the

why's of the behavior. Try not to let her statements make you feel you need to

change or do something different. You just keep doing your best at the things

you feel you need to do for you first. Then you get to decide what is your

responsibility. you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't fix it.

someone else said that in an earlier post, or something like it. The harder

you try, the more frustrated you will feel. When she complains about something

like the toys, get her to tell you exactly what she wants you do to help. Don't

guess, don't assume. Don't feel like every problem she whines about she expects

you to fix. always make people tell what they want from you, then you decide if

it's something you want to do. Sometimes people just need to voice everything

that comes to mind, it doesn't mean you have to do anything about it.

> > >

> > > I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is bizarre.

Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should be. The

angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an angry

fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

> > >

> > > Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting

them away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily and

know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed out

some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of them,

'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says things like

this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what kind of behavior

this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete flip flop and

distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad as possible about

myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her out. I am ONLY doing

this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because it was one of the things

she said was driving her crazy, the kid's ridiculous amount of toys being all

over the house. So far I have siphoned off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they

are being stored on the porch.

> > >

> > > Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues. She

flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day long. She

pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good. I am really

having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if they hardly

ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to imagine what a

normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing that, I really

appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal responses. Of course,

that's what makes it hard, if she was completely psychotic all the time I would

have walked away years ago. It's just attempting to revisit the 'good' mother,

and get her to come out. I used to think she was multiple personality.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Check your local library as well.  If your branch doesn't have it, often they

can get it in for you just to get you started. -Leslye

Subject: Re: my mother is drivinig me crazy today. I don't

even have a name for it.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, July 18, 2010, 10:16 PM

 

Hi Jo,

I found some of the ones I bought on Amazon.com used for like 6 bucks. Eggshells

is a really good starting point. It helped me so much to understand some of the

why's of the behavior. Try not to let her statements make you feel you need to

change or do something different. You just keep doing your best at the things

you feel you need to do for you first. Then you get to decide what is your

responsibility. you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't fix it.

someone else said that in an earlier post, or something like it. The harder

you try, the more frustrated you will feel. When she complains about something

like the toys, get her to tell you exactly what she wants you do to help. Don't

guess, don't assume. Don't feel like every problem she whines about she expects

you to fix. always make people tell what they want from you, then you decide if

it's something you want to do. Sometimes people just need to voice everything

that comes to mind,

it doesn't mean you have to do anything about it.

> > >

> > > I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is bizarre.

Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should be. The

angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an angry

fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

> > >

> > > Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting

them away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily and

know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed out

some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of them,

'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says things like

this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what kind of behavior

this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete flip flop and

distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad as possible about

myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her out. I am ONLY doing

this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because it was one of the things

she said was driving her crazy, the kid's ridiculous amount of toys being all

over the house. So far I have

siphoned off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they are being stored on the porch.

> > >

> > > Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a day.

She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues. She

flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day long. She

pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good. I am really

having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if they hardly

ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to imagine what a

normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing that, I really

appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal responses. Of course,

that's what makes it hard, if she was completely psychotic all the time I would

have walked away years ago. It's just attempting to revisit the 'good' mother,

and get her to come out. I used to think she was multiple personality.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

phine - A resounding " YES " to Wendi's message below. It occurred to me

(when I started reading this thread) that when your mom whines and carries on,

she has your full attention. Think about it - instead of living alone with her

husband, she is now living with two tiny children (one with special needs, if I

read it right), a crazy, out of control daughter in law, her grown son who won't

- or can't - do what's required to get his family out of her house, a husband

in failing health, and ALL of these people create a demand for attention that

takes her out of the center spotlight. So who will give her attention? You,

that's who. And she can't just come out and say, " I'm angry that my final years

with my husband are being taken away from me. I'm angry that the home I've

created is being destroyed. I'm angry that my son married a lunatic. I hate my

daughter in law. I love the kids, but I've already raised mine. I want some

peace and quiet. I want these people to move out and leave me alone. " That's

assuming she's sane and normal - if she has some kind of PD or other mental

illness, there's no telling what's going through her brain. But the fact

remains, YOU are the only person who will concentrate on her and her well-being.

So she is creating little scenarios to keep you focused on her. It just so

happens that the technique she's chosen is crazy and self-defeating.

So, yeah, what she SAYS is that there's XYZ problem. What she WANTS is for you

to commiserate and listen to her - not to fix the problem. If the problem gets

fixed, you'll be free to focus on the kids, or the mess, or - gasp!! - living

your own life, and that would leave her alone in the midst of this huge mess.

So she won't let you fix whatever it is, because she just really wants your

attention. Now, in a normal situation, you could try to change this by giving

her ways to get positive attention from you - " Mom, let's go get pedicures and

lunch today. " " Mom, let's just you and me go to a movie. " - But there are so

many competing demands that she can't let herself move out of the martyr role

long enough to go do something she'd enjoy. So she whines. What she really

wants is to be the center of attention once in a while, IMO. That may or may

not be BPD or some other problem.

If your parents won't stand up to your brother and his hideous wife, and tell

them to leave, this situation is not going to improve. So, as with all of us,

you have to ask yourself, how long will you play this role in the FOO? How many

more years of your life are you willing to sacrifice? I know the little boy

needs help. I know your dad's ill. I know it would be a hardship to move. But

if the alternative is putting yourself at the mercy of your brother's family for

the REST OF YOUR LIFE, is that something you're willing to do? Because they're

not going to change anything unless somebody stops enabling them. You have NO

authority over any of them. To me, that means you also have NO responsibility

to throw yourself at their feet.

> > > >

> > > > I have read and read and read these posts and my mother lacks the

histrionic behavior that I read about so much here. But her behavior is bizarre.

Her reactions to things are the opposite of what I feel they should be. The

angrier she gets the more she does this. But she doesn't do it in an angry

fashion, she does it in a poor pitiful fashion.

> > > >

> > > > Like she has been whining about the baby's toys so I have been putting

them away, the ones they don't play with. I am childless and don't have a stake

in her issues but it's one thing I can do, because I watch my nephew daily and

know which toys he plays with and which ones he never touches. I pointed out

some today that are soon going to 'disappear' and she said about one of them,

'well, I got him that one for christmas, that's my fault.' She says things like

this to me multiple times a day. I don't have a word for what kind of behavior

this is. It doesn't make any sense to me. it's a complete flip flop and

distortion of reality. She always wants to make me feel as bad as possible about

myself and my motives, even when I am trying to help her out. I am ONLY doing

this for her benefit. I ONLY started doing it because it was one of the things

she said was driving her crazy, the kid's ridiculous amount of toys being all

over the house. So far I have siphoned off about 4 trunkloads of toys and they

are being stored on the porch.

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone know what this is called? She does this multiple times a

day. She did this to me throught my childhood, albeit on much weightier issues.

She flip-flops and twists and distorts everything I say sometimes all day long.

She pretends my motives are bad, when they are both selfless and good. I am

really having a hard time with this, how can someone be a borderline if they

hardly ever raise their voice. I tried today, for the first time, to imagine

what a normal mother would have said to me. " Thank you for doing that, I really

appreciate it. " Yet sometimes she is normal and has normal responses. Of course,

that's what makes it hard, if she was completely psychotic all the time I would

have walked away years ago. It's just attempting to revisit the 'good' mother,

and get her to come out. I used to think she was multiple personality.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>