Re: Meeting my estranged fada for the first time in 15 years

[Guest guest]

Whew! Well, gird your loins, is all I can say. If he was narcissistic and

alcoholic and unpleasant when he left you, he's probably going to be like that

now, seeing that he hasn't made any big changes (the drinking, for instance).

I'd suggest sitting right next to BF at the restaurant, and if you start

agreeing to be a caretaker, or do stuff for your now-sick old dad, you get a

swift kick in the ankle or some kind of coded message that means, " Shut up,

you're being scammed. " And if he shows up drunk, or with liquor on his breath,

I'd be outta there. Alcoholism is a whole 'nother chatroom...

And - whatever it is you do to make yourself feel better after Nada encounters?

Set that up for immediately after the lunch date. (I'd have to find a pool or a

lake these days, to swim off the anger and cool down - but a few months ago, it

would have been a spoon and a half-gallon of Reece's Ice Cream.) Whatever

works.

>

> Anybody have any tips?

>

> I just don't know how to feel right now. My fada is a NPD alcoholic and mostly

abandonded his 3 children around the time I was in Junior high school, a few

years after the divorce.

>

> Recently he's been calling and wanting to meet, I agreed cautiously. Nothing

much has changed, he is still drinking and is 70 years old now. Rumor has it

that he's sick. It makes sense, that would explain the sudden phone calls. I am

no longer angry, hurt, or needing anything from him whatsoever. It is what it is

and I have accepted reality however sad it may be.

>

> Fada is not able to make the 8 hour drive to see his 3 adult children because

he doesn't have a car and has no money to fly/bus. Fada has made two attempts at

coming out here but can't muster it. My bf is driving to my fada's city to see

his own father, and I figured since i'm going anyway I would allow a short visit

with my fada.

>

> To be clear, my fada is decent on the phone, and doesn't behave abusively

towards me, never has other than the abandonment. He's biazarre at some points,

probably a bit brain damaged from all the alcohol abuse by now, but mostly

tolerable. Bf and I will see my father for a lunch in a public restaurant this

weekend.

>

> I guess what i'm asking is has anybody else experienced something similar? If

so how did you handle the mixed emotions? Why do I feel like I can't share the

visit with my nada (I am LC); she and fada were like two rabid dogs towards

eachother, more drama than a 'Dynasty' episode. The hatred that still exists

between them is shockingly hilarious. BPD/NPD dynamics are so lame. Infants,

both of them. Anyway....

>

> Any input here would help a lot, and thanks KO crew

>

[Guest guest]

just remember, he hasnt changed...he will be the same NPD alcoholic fada who

abandoned you....he wants a meeting with you just to make HIM feel better...

Jackie

Anybody have any tips?

I just don't know how to feel right now. My fada is a NPD alcoholic and

mostly abandonded his 3 children around the time I was in Junior high

school, a few years after the divorce.

Recently he's been calling and wanting to meet, I agreed cautiously. Nothing

much has changed, he is still drinking and is 70 years old now. Rumor has it

that he's sick. It makes sense, that would explain the sudden phone calls. I

am no longer angry, hurt, or needing anything from him whatsoever. It is

what it is and I have accepted reality however sad it may be.

Fada is not able to make the 8 hour drive to see his 3 adult children

because he doesn't have a car and has no money to fly/bus. Fada has made two

attempts at coming out here but can't muster it. My bf is driving to my

fada's city to see his own father, and I figured since i'm going anyway I

would allow a short visit with my fada.

To be clear, my fada is decent on the phone, and doesn't behave abusively

towards me, never has other than the abandonment. He's biazarre at some

points, probably a bit brain damaged from all the alcohol abuse by now, but

mostly tolerable. Bf and I will see my father for a lunch in a public

restaurant this weekend.

I guess what i'm asking is has anybody else experienced something similar?

If so how did you handle the mixed emotions? Why do I feel like I can't

share the visit with my nada (I am LC); she and fada were like two rabid

dogs towards eachother, more drama than a 'Dynasty' episode. The hatred that

still exists between them is shockingly hilarious. BPD/NPD dynamics are so

lame. Infants, both of them. Anyway....

Any input here would help a lot, and thanks KO crew

------------------------------------

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

and the SWOE Workbook.