weekend with nada

[Guest guest]

We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six months.

Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was really not

looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things considered

- bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because nada is

doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - she is

less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is barely

functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less.

In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much the

entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from nada I've

begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or what is

causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not attach the

anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I was just

generally anxious without really knowing why.

As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety being shed

from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was feeling

pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300

miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this strong

of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor health.

I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past visits -

though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now.

I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some progress,

but obviously have a long way to go.

MY