Re: When does it ever end??!! / phine

[Guest guest]

" I guess in some sense we all need to be mirrored as good in our parents eyes

and if we have personality disordered parents they know this and know there is

ample benefit to be had for them to refuse to do so. They use mirroring us bad

as a way of manipulating, conning, abusing, exploiting, wounding, whatever...it'

s an incredibly effective tool at pulling the strings. "

phine: this is a keeper!!! I'm keeping this.

You captured the essence of my internal struggle. Perfectly. I want my mom to

tell me how good I am; what a blessing I am. When I go LC with her and she

bristles, it's hard for me to tolerate that tension.

Thanks for your insights.

> >

> > I feel utterly at the end of my tether and don't know how I can keep having

the strength and resilience to keep working through this. Surely I will just

snap at one point and need to be hospitalised! It is so hard to keep this from

effecting my family too, as it effects me so much. I am trying really hard to be

indifferent and switch off, so I can enjoy my precious time with my baby and

partner, but it's so hard!

> >

> > Sorry for the " negative nancy " type of perspective, I am just feeling so fed

up right now!

> >

> > I had decided on no more contact with her after two horrible rages and an

attempt on my part to try L.C which she couldn't play along with and another

ensuing string of angry text messages where she said I obviously had no time for

her any more and that I was free of her and her mother and to scrap my crappy

childhood.

> > But she doesn't let me call the shots!

> >

> > Last night I received a text message asking me how I was and did I want that

t.v back that I had leant her. I replied simply " no thank you " . When she moved

recently, I took an old t.v over to her place as she was waiting for hers to be

delivered. I had no idea that it could have become burdensome for her.

> > She then said " thanks. another job for me. thanks for the lend " . I replied

that I would organise a charity to collect it if she liked, that I didn;t know

it was a burden on her.

> >

> > Five messages followed where she said it wasn't good enough for vinnies,

would I want to buy it and take it home?, she was going to carry it to the tip

and shout out to all the gossips that she was my mother, she was happy that my

baby had spanish blood (go figure?!I think she was referencing Spain's victory

in the World Cup, but we have very obvious anglo heritage, so not sure what

that's about)), , she would leave the key for me to get it because it is my

responsibility, that I should call the police, they are welcome to read her

outbox (I have recently asked her to read her outbox after she has attacked me

and even said that if someone else was abusing me like she had that I would

probably have to call the police- part of my vain and clearly fruitless attempt

to try and get her to realise the extent of her actions ), thank you for being

my daughter.

> > I only replied twice to say no thank you and that I could organise for it to

be collected.

> > Then this morning I get- " I just love you Lyndy (my affectionate name). I

don't want to argue.

> >

> > What???!!!!

> >

> > I replied that I wasn't arguing, that I had just received angry, sarcastic

messages from her and had another evening upset.

> > Then, she framed it like this: " I did not send any angry messages. I

believed you wanted t.v, vinnies don't take things not working (it worked a

month ago),I gave you an option to leave key because you haven't forgiven me and

then she went on to say that June, July and August are hard for her because they

are the months that her mum was sick before she died.

> >

> > Now I'm not putting a time frame on grief, but Nana passed away about 8

years ago and might I add that mum also had trouble all through May because that

is my Nana's name!!!

> >

> > So then I told her to read her outbox and that I wasn't making it up.

> > Then she said she would leave me alone. She keeps saying that, but she

doesn't!!!!

> >

> > I really don't know what to do. I have recently felt much stronger in this

and like I was really moving on, but now I just feel helpless.

> > If I have full contact, she stresses me and my partner out, if I try and

have L.C, she gets resentful because I'm pulling away, and if I decide no

contact, then she just contacts me out of the blue with seemingly innocent

inquiries into my well-being and then angry outburst follow soon after.

> >

> > Do I need to tell her outright that I don't want to see her any more?

> > I didn't ever think I would be able to entertain the idea of this.

> > I know this behaviour is desperation on her part. I haven't been accepting

her excuses for her behaviour, giving in and calling her because I've been

worried and carrying on like nothing has happened. She doesn't know the new

rules. I have taken her power away and she doesn't like it. I'm not trying to

win. I'm not wishing to hurt her, but simply to protect myself and my family.

She has pushed and pushed me and this time has gone too far. I have answered her

incessant question. How much do you love me? Well not this much. Not so much

that I will let you continue to abuse me.

> >

> > I'm sorry, it just feels on top of me today.

> >

> > Thank you for reading this massive outburst.

> >

> > With warmth,

> > Lynda

> >

>