Re: What if she's right? / phine

[Guest guest]

Thanks, phine.

If it was up to me, my mother would know nothing about our personal lives.

But I have 2 youngish kids who like to share a lot of info with her.

I feel awful, really awful asking them not to say anything, b/c I feel like I'm

asking them to be deceitful. But, I have no other choice.

I asked my older daughter to not mention her trip w/her dad to the national

park. She didn't get it; which, in a way, I'm glad that she hasn't had to, as a

12- year old, feel the need to develop that kind of " don't tell mom " thinking.

I was thinking that way from very early on.

My other one is 5, and asking her not to tell is the same as ordering her to!

LOL!

btw, you're not being intrusive at all. I appreciate your input. You're

completely right. It isn't any of her business. I need a good standard answer

for when (not if) she assaults me and makes me feel like a negligent mother.

Something like " my husband and I feel this is the best way to go. " And just keep

saying it over and over like a robot!

Thanks again.

> >

> > I am really anxious lately.

> >

> > My daughter is 12; will be 13 in October. She wants to walk to the store by

herself. She wants to walk to the library by herself. She wants to go to the

movies with her friends without me there.

> >

> > All of which I truly understand. I vividly remember the intense desire to do

stuff without being watched and monitored. I do get it.

> >

> > Our neighborhood isn't the safest--a lot of transient people. Plus, we live

on an intersection with 4 lanes of traffic. Even if it were " safe, " I'm sure I

would still feel just as anxious. It's hard to let go, and it's hard to talk to

her about being aware of her surroundings and keeping the iPod volume low--she

gives me the rolling eyes.

> >

> > Anyway, on top of my own anxieties, my mother compounds it all with her out

of control hysteria. My daughter told her that, while visiting my husband's sick

uncle in the hospital the other day, my husband let her go to the cafeteria on

her own. " Your husband let her go to the cafeteria in the hospital?? By

herself?? do you know how many wackos there are out there that could drag her

into a room??? blah blah blah.... "

> >

> > I've already thought about all this stuff and am not sure I would have let

her go to the caf. My mother's throwing more on me is not helping.

> >

> > The thing is, I'm realizing, my job as a parent is to prepare her to leave.

I can't keep her. I can't demand her loyalty as has been demanded of me. I don't

want to, either.

> >

> > And I'm at work while all this is going on. Even if I wanted to, I can't

control what my husband does and does not allow her to do. He's a great dad and

has good judgement. I have to accept his decisions as he does mine.

> >

> > When my mother lit into me this morning about the caf incident, my immediate

reaction is fear, fear, fear. Fear of her. Fear of the possibility that she's

right and my husband is wrong. Fear of my daughter's growing up. I was

automatically on the defense, trying to explain, and then catching myself....why

do I need to explain to her??

> >

> > My husband and daughter are visiting a national park in August with a tour

group. I'm filled with fear. Fear of my mother finding out. Fear that my husband

will tell my daughter it's ok to go visit Old Faithful on her own.

> >

> > They're both not understanding why I don't want my mother knowing. And to

not mention that my daughter is home alone for an hour each day while my husband

drops my other daughter off at her day camp (she doesn't want to have to get up

so early, so he lets her sleep in). I feel like I'm talking to martians. And I

am. They don't get what I have to deal with, what I would be dealing with while

they're away.

> >

> > I feel like my husband thinks I'm overreacting in expressing reservations

about these things.

> >

> > I feel like my mother thinks I'm UNDERreacting. she thinks I'm allowing my

husband to " run the show. " (Hidden message -- " you should be letting ME run the

show! " )

> >

> > And now I'm sure she'll have my brother, her flying monkey, call me to knock

sense into me. He's always giving me parenting advice when he has no kids and

can barely take care of himself!

> >

> > I just feel so pulled and drained from the whole experience.

> >

> > How do those of you with kids around this age handle it? I'd love your

feedback.

> >

> > And I just need general feedback re: not feeding into my mother and

automatically trying to explain myself, my marriage, everything to her.

> >

> > Thanks everyone!

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>